Ch. 53 It Used To Be A Playground

He opened the door just in time to see the heavy ball smash ferociously into the wall just inches from his face. The event caught him off guard and caused him to jump slightly in place. He took a step farther into the room and gave a quick look at the damage. The hurled object left a circular dent with a number of cracks within it on the wall. He turned to see what had caused it when he saw the woman leaning against Jason's treasure billiard table.

"Did I miss something?" he asked, getting her attention.

She spun around at his voice and attempted to shove away the emotions coursing through her veins. Courtney ran her hand through her hair, tucking it behind her ear.

"Hey." she said to him as he walked closer, hoping he hadn't been there too long. "What's going on?"

"Well, it looks to me like…" he began turning briefly to the damaged wall then back to her. "…like I should be asked you that question."

The dark haired man rubbed his chin as he looked down to the color. He wasn't sure what he'd come over for, but now he was sort of glad that he had. She was alone and obviously in need of someone. Whether or not he could be the someone to help, he knew he had to try.

"What happened?" he asked, lifting his gaze to her once more.

"That?" she asked, gesturing past him. "It was an accident. I, uh, I picked up the ball and I thought I saw a spider on it, so I freak and tossed it."

Sonny cleared his throat and shifted his weight on his legs. He bit back the reflexive response he normally had when someone attempted to lie to his face. He refused to let his short fuse get in the way of whatever progress they might be able to make. Taking in the story, he kept from getting aggravated by reminding himself that she had no reason to trust him.

"Can you do me a favor?" he began, putting his hands on the hips of his pants. "Can you, Can you not lie to me?"

The woman sighed and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She looked curiously at the man before her; the man that was supposed to be her brother. He obviously didn't buy the lie, so she decided to change the subject.

"What did you come here for?" she asked him.

"Honestly? I'm not sure." he admitted to her, taking a seat on the couch. He saw the doubtful look on her face as she sat down as well. "Yeah. I don't know what I'm doing here or what I expected."

"You sure it's not to check up on me?" she quizzed bitterly.

He shook his head being honest. The man hadn't come over with that in mind, he'd just shown up at the door. It was clear she didn't like the idea of people checking on her.

"So, uh, do you want to tell me what's wrong?" he asked folding his hands in his lap. After they were said, he heard his words and let out a dry chuckle. "Sorry, that's a stupid question."

The apartment fell into silence as the two sat. The man turned his head back towards the entrance and observed once again the mark left on the plaster. It was no innocent toss that had left it there. It had to have been thrown with extreme force to have had such an impact. After a few moments of awkward silence, he turned to her and spoke again.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked, getting a small nod from her. "Do you…are you alright?"

"Are you kidding me?" she asked, looking at her lap.

"Well, what I mean is…like, do you feel pressured or anything, you know, by us?"

"Pressured?" she repeated. "To remember, you mean?"

"Yeah."

She sighed and pulled herself up from the cushions. Wrapping her arms around herself, she walked over to the window. Standing before it, Courtney admired the view from the penthouse. Sonny rose as well and walked towards her. He stopped a few feet behind her to observe what she was doing, before continuing forward. Soon he was standing beside her, looking out the same window.

"I, uh, I do this." he said quietly, not taking his eyes away from the glass. "Just stare out the window, take in the view. When I've got too much going on or I feel like my head's going to explode, it calms me down; helps me think. I can always look out and just forget."

He stood in silence, wondering if anything would be said in return. Their relationship hadn't been the greatest before, but they'd started to get closer. They'd even been able to spend continuous amounts of time together without any voices raised or doors slammed. Now here they were again. He couldn't even call it square one, he didn't even know if they could see square one from where they were.

"It's beautiful." she said, causing him to turn and look at her. "The view; it's really beautiful."

"Yeah, it is." he nodded.

"When I first got here, after-after the hospital, I went out on the balcony. I was looking at all the buildings and places down there, wondering which ones I've been to or which ones meant anything to me." she explained to him, feeling his eyes on her though she kept hers ahead. "I tried to put names to places, but I couldn't. The more I tried, the more useless and angry I felt. And for a split second I wondered about just letting go, you know? I was right there; all these floors from the cement ground, not knowing who I was or if there was even anything to live for. But then I saw it; just past those buildings."

She lifted her hand and pointed at the glass to what she spoke of. Sonny looked in the specific direction to see what she meant.

"The water?" he asked, eyes catching it in the distance.

"Yeah." she said. "Just looking at the little bit I can see from here, I don't know. I like it; it helps me to try and think."

"That's good," he began, a thought popping into his head. "but you can't see it very well from here. Too many buildings in the way."

"I know." she said, finally turning away from the glass. "But something's better than nothing, right?"

Her brother nodded at her statement, realizing that they had something in common. Maybe even something they could use as headway into some sort of relationship. Either way, he was glad she was speaking to him about some of her feelings.

"You know my penthouse is across the hall and it, uh, it has a view of the entire harbor." he informed her, graciously. "The docks, the boats, everything."

"Yeah?" she asked amused.

"Oh yeah. The view was the whole reason I bought the place." he said with a smile. "You can, you know, you can come over to see it anytime."

"No, you don't have to say that." she told him with a thankful smile as she sat down.

"I mean it." he replied. "You know, if it makes you feel better even the tiniest bit, go for it. I want to help you, so if you're ever feeling overwhelmed or you just want to think, you know, just come over. "

"Yeah, but you've got a family over there, a growing one at that." she said.

"You are family, Courtney." she stated. "I mean you used to-"

The man halted himself as he heard the words in his head coming out of his mouth. He looked at his sister and hated himself for his slip of the tongue. He watched as the realization of his statement came over her face and her eyes hardened in front of him.

"Yeah, I used to do a lot of things, right?" she replied.

"I'm sorry." he began.

"Don't be. You can't help it, right? It's true." she said to dismiss his apology.

"Courtney-"

"Don't, Sonny." she said, standing up. "I'm not the person I used to be; everyone knows and pretending won't change that. So don't apologize or feel sorry for me because you were remembering something."

The man stood up and put his hand on her shoulder, slightly surprised that she let it stay there. He looked in her eyes; the place that used to give away her emotions was now unreadable. He couldn't see her like he used to.

"Courtney, we care about you and we want to help. It's just that we don't know how. You know, if we talk about what you were like before this happened, you might feel pressured to be who we remember. But if we ignore it completely, you might think we're trying to pretend everything's perfect when it's obviously not." he spoke, hoping everything was coming out as it sounded when he heard it in his mind. "I want you to know that we're here and you can come to us for anything. You can trust us."

"You want me to trust you, Sonny?" she asked. "But I can't. I can't trust you. I can't trust anyone or anything, least of all me."

"I know we haven't really spent time together since everything, but I want you to know-"

"No we haven't. In fact it's almost like you've purposely been avoiding it." she accused. "Hey I don't blame you. Why would you want to go through the constant pain of seeing a stranger wearing your sister's face?"

Sonny winced at her words, knowing their was a hint of truth to her accusations. He hadn't been the best support system. He took a deep breath and decided to explain himself to her.

"You're right." he confessed, catching her off guard. "I have kind of been avoiding you."

"At least you're honest. It's ok, you can go back to your life." she replied.

"Are you going to let me explain?" he asked, sitting her down before lowering himself next to her. She silently made the observation that, besides Jason, she usually put a fair amount of space between her and whoever was with her. The man cleared his throat before he spoke. "I, um, you remember, I was there when you-when you woke up, right? And I told you I was going to tell everyone you were up and you said-"

"Yeah, I remember." she said, hating that she did have the ability to relive the awful moment.

"Right." he said with a nod. "Anyway, when I asked you to look at me and if you knew me, I looked in your eyes and I saw fear. I hated it. You know, my sister was in front of me and I was scaring her. It freaked me out and it's real hard to shake that away."

She listened to his words and realized that he had good reason to want to keep from her. What she didn't say was that their first meeting in that hospital had left a mark on her as well. Fear. Shock. Disappointment. It was staring back at her when she looked into his dark eyes and didn't know him.

His phone rang and Sonny apologized to her before answering. She didn't pay attention to his apology or his side of the conversation. Courtney found herself thinking back to the day she wished she could forget.

"Courtney." she heard him say in a tone that sounded like he'd said it a few times.

"What?" she said in reply.

"I have to take care of something. You ok?" he asked, not wanting to leave the conversation.

"No different than I was before you came."

After he left, Courtney looked around the living room. Why did Sonny have to remind her? Why did he have to take her back to it? The hospital. The hospital room. She was starting feel crowded. Was the room getting smaller? She had to get out; she needed air.

With no destination in mind, Courtney opened the door and left.