PART FOUR: Sex And The Single German Teleporting Pseudo-Demon

A big thank you no-prize to Rivulet027 for my first ever review. Thank you, thank you, I'd just like to thank Tracey, the best beta reader in the university of London (what a cop out) and the usual gang of bemused hangers on. I'm sorry if you find Warren a bit too vapid and perhaps you ought to bear in mind that a) he's trying to do the big leadership thing Scott Summers does oh so well and b) he's in shock. Yes, we need more stories about the lovely twosome of J-P and Bobby and I heartily recommend Rivulet's less action packed but more interesting character wise adventures. Especially the one with a shopping mall. Yikes! That sounds like a "Friends" episode. (Sorry I am selling them short - they're fab, go read them)

It's lovely to hear from my lovely admirers. So have your five cents and leave a review.

Yes "lovely" is the most over-used word in my vocabulary.

"Get your hands off him you no good son of a bitch! We leave you out of our sight for five minutes and you're already trying to ravish Bobby! How could we have ever trusted you, you sick twisted…"

Bobby was the first to recover from this surprise development, "Erm, Warren, I had my hands all over him too!"

"Warren, calm down, I know this is a shock, well to you any way, aber you're really showing yourself up here. I thought you said you were going to be more non-judgmental. That was your New Year's Resolution. What if Fraulein Guthrie could see you now?" Kurt struggled to pull Warren back into the corridor and flashed his best don't-worry-he's-just-a-little-upset smile as Warren's wings got in his way and began to flap around quite alarmingly.

"I'm going to take my sword and I'm going to…"

BAMF!

"What a relief!" sighed Annie, "Where do you think Kurt's put Warren? I hope it isn't anywhere dangerous. I mean, sure he's being an ass, but it is a bit of a surprise and all and I'm sure he'll calm down; a bit; maybe."

"Mmmmm…" said Jean-Paul quite recovering his sardonic composure, "How about San Francisco. They'll just love him there. All that blonde hair, wings and muscles. I'm sure he'll find it quite educational. I'm pretty sure there's a gay mutant pride rally on. They sent me an invite for some reason. Can't imagine why."

Fortunately before Annie and Bobby could enlighten Northstar as to the fact that he was both gay and mutant and why the hell wasn't he there, the rally sounded just his sort thing, him being the tireless gay rights/ aids awareness/ mutant coolness campaigner he was, the Nightcrawler returned and thus prevented the ruination of this touching scene. That and they twigged that this might just be sarcasm, Jean-Paul not being in possession of Warren's stunning intellect.

BAMF!

Three pairs of eyes turned, neglecting their pre-emptive bickering, and stared at the blue furred mutant and more specifically at the sheepish grin plastered on his face. At least it would have been a sheepish grin if sheep had the sort of teeth normally only associated with a large fin sticking out of the water, as it is he just looked like a rather embarrassed shark.

"I just dropped him," said Kurt quietly, "in the lake."

"Well that'll cool him off," said Annie

"Hey, I wanted to say that!" cried Northstar indignantly.

"I could have done that!" cried Bobby icing up his hand.

"…but it was too obvious, not up to my usual high standard at all," said Northstar equally icily.

Annie glared at the Canadian mutant and spluttered as if she was about to say something and had then, quite rightly, thought better of it.

"I'm sure Warren's just in shock," said Kurt briskly aiming to cut short any name-calling.

"He is after you chucked him in that lake. The water's really cold. I froze it yesterday for the kids to go skating."

"…I'm sure he'll come to his senses soon…"

"I'm not so sure. That water's really, really cold."

"…this is the twenty-first century and all. He's just not taking it very well," finished Kurt as ever master of the understatement.

Northstar opened his mouth. Annie flinched only to find that she wasn't the target. "Talking of taking it very well," he began in a light airy tone which filled the others with a dread sense of foreboding, "You seem rather calm Nightcrawler."

"Kurt, bitte, it's not as if we're out on some mission of daring do saving a world that hates and fears us! What in heaven do you mean by that?"

"You're a Catholic. A very serious one. You go to Mass. A lot. You read the Catholic Herald."

"So?" said Kurt, "As far as I'm concerned you are just two people who have fallen in love. I grew up in a circus, remember?"

"What's that got to do with it?" said Bobby butting in.

"Well, about two thirds of the male population were only interested in each other. I never minded, it just meant all the more pretty little frauleins for me to romance."

"You're kidding! You dated your foster sister for years!" cried Bobby.

"So, she was the best of the lot of them. I prefer quality over quantity. Anyway, I didn't romance her, she romanced me!"

"Kurt dated his foster sister?"whispered Annie "And I was beginning to believe he was the only other normal well-balanced person in this whole insane madhouse of a school. Yuerk!"

"I really wouldn't ask" Northstar whispered back, "I think he just has this thing about sisters. I mean he really likes Scarlet Witch, and she's Quicksilver's twin sister, and he seemed really keen on my sister when he met her…"

"O God! Just one nice normal person with no hang ups, mysterious past, burning urge for revenge, alternate self, or weird sister fetish, that's all I ask for!"

"Erm… I hate to point this out but you're working at a school for super people. It isn't too late for a career change, you know."

"Thankyou for that so interesting revelation, Kurt, I must remember to tell all the girls that you like the woman to make the first move," said Bobby snidely.

"Bobby, you didn't switch brains when you were kissing Jean-Paul did you? Or is that Jean-Paul you didn't switch with Bobby did you? I think you were sucking hard enough. I swear you sound just like our supersonic speedster," said Kurt deciding to send diplomacy to the wind.

"Brain swapping?" said Annie totally losing the plot.

"So Kurt," said Northstar trying to get back in control of the conversation after his little tête-à-tête with Annie on the mating habits of the totally uncommon and certainly not garden Nightcrawler, "you're saying that your circus upbringing left you with the incredibly broad mind that you clearly possess today."

"Ja," said Kurt completely unable to discern what Northstar was getting at.

"And you're entirely unsurprised by the sudden revelation that Robert ici and I lust for each other and want to rip each others clothes off and make passionate love right here?"

"Hey steady on. Don't you think we might be taking things a teensy bit too fast?" whispered Bobby, poking Northstar in his not-quite-healed ribs.

"Ja"

Northstar was momentarily winded by being poked by the man he lusted after and wanted to divulge of his clothing, but then he recovered, took this as a good omen and continued, "This doesn't strike you as in the least way odd, out of character and you aren't contemplating that we might be under the influence of some mind altering substance, mechanism or person?"

"Not at all."

Northstar froze solid. Nobody ever told you what to do when this happened. Everyone gave advice on coming out or getting your boyfriend (perhaps he was taking things a teensy bit fast) to come out and dealing with hostile, angry and confused reactions from your so-called friends. Nobody gave advice on dealing with tranquil acceptance from friends whom you thought were clearly anti. Nobody gave advice… Northstar thought… perhaps there was a new book deal in this for him…

Kurt seized upon Northstar's silence as a need for a handy bite size explanation that most Catholics weren't hard minded bigots, "Northstar, I'm a member of a not terribly top secret super hero team that fights for the acceptance of a much maligned minority group. Surely, as such I would be very open minded and accepting to another much maligned minority group. At any rate, I learnt about the facts of life very early in life, two people meet, like each other, have sex and may produce babies, and I think if everyone did…"

"Hey Kurt! How early an age are we talking about here? Just curious," enquired Bobby eagerly snatching the chance to make this conversation more interesting and maybe put Annie into even deeper shock. (He had heard her little chat with Northstar and wanted to see how little a nudge it would take to push her over the edge entirely and if this didn't work, he suspected plastic spiders in the petri dishes just might. And if not that, Jubilee's tarantulas in her desk draw, now all that remained was to get the spiders.)

"Hmmm…" Kurt counted on his fingers, ran out, and resorted to thumb, "Funf."

"Five!" shouted Bobby just in case Annie couldn't count in German, "This is crazy! You don't explain sex to five year olds. Mummy bees and daddy bees maybe, but sex! Wait a minute, that's what you mean don't you? It's just your crazy German grammar that makes this sound odd and non-gender-specific!"

"Komisch," mused Kurt, "That's just what Kitty said when I told her. I mean I just walked in on my trapeze tutor and his boyfriend, the fire-eater, it's really easy to do when you all live in tents and caravans. And Sabu, you know he was really like a father to me, just explained everything to me and answered all kinds of questions."

Bobby stared at him.

"Funny, Katzchen went all silent like that too. Ich weiss nicht warum. I thought it was all ganz und gar normal."

Bobby recovered and his curiosity got the better of him, "What were they doing?"

"Oral sex," said Kurt in the same disinterested tone of voice he would have used had he said "knitting baby booties" or "playing ludo" or "singing the alphabet backwards".

Bobby stared. Annie had a faintly worried look on her face. (She was wondering whether Alex would talk to Carter about sex, because she suddenly felt rather inadequate). Even Northstar was silent.

When faced with a large shocked silence, it is man's natural instinct to fill it up. Kurt was no exception to this fundamental rule of nature, "Though looking back, it strikes me as rather dangerous, having oral sex with Feur, what with him really being able to breathe fire and everything. But that was Sabu! He just loved danger… I really think he was my role model in life, except for the bit about sleeping with temperamental fire eaters…"

"Kurt, have you ever heard the words Too Much Detail?" said Northstar recovering first, there was something very wrong about the sweet, charming and highly moral Nightcrawler talking about sex. This may be later shown to prove how little Jean-Paul Beaubier really knew the mutant known to all as the Nightcrawler.

(Except to certain young ladies, who knew him as Blueberry Muffin.)

"Feur. That man we met on the mountain? When your mother blew you and Chamber up and you were only saved by a blind teleport of ludicrous danger? He's gay? And I thought this day couldn't get any weirder!" said Bobby hamming it up for all he was worth in his epic plan to turn Annie into a gibbering wreck in revenge for the sheer toe-curling embarrassment of the bridal shower. (See Annie was right!)

"Ja. He really never got over Sabu's death. I'm glad he's found some peace with himself."

Annie gibbered and ran out of the room.

"Is she alright? Annie isn't ill is she?" said Kurt once again slipping into his perceived role as the caring half of the team leadership.

"Culture shock" said Northstar.

"That leaves one thing. How do we deal with Warren? How do we deal with the rest of the team?" said Bobby anxiously.