PART SIX: The shocking cliffhanger resolved

Wasn't that a shocking cliffhanger! How are Bobby and Jean-Paul going to prove themselves to be no threat to the team whatsoever? Tune in now for the exciting resolution of this traumatic dilemma!

Shadowkittracey, my beta reader extrordinare, this one's for you. Can you spot your idea?

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It is neither a well known fact nor one universally acknowledged that the mutant known as Jean-Paul Beaubier, the Northstar whose fame and fortune is sung of to this very day (at least in the National Enquirer and other such esteemed vehicles), actually has rather more people skills than many believe. This is not difficult, if the common estimation of Jean-Paul Beaubier's people skills is acknowledged, a recently dead mouse has more. For a dead mouse does not wear highly noxious aftershave (although in fact this was a gift from his twin sister), nor does it get into many fights, and when it gets into one of these fights in which it does not participate, it does not have to be forcibly pulled off its opponent by the ankles before the harm becomes somewhat permanent. However, what this theory fails to acknowledge is that no mouse is the leader of a large telecommunications multinational, a well regarded campaigner for AIDS charities, and the more tactful of two superpowered flying twins. (One might ask how one defines "more tactful"; the answer is simple: the twin who actually gives warning that he will punch.) In short, Jean-Paul Beaubier cannot be as arrogant, conceited and self-centred as he seems, since, firstly, no one could be as arrogant, conceited and self-centred as he seems, and secondly (and more crucially), if he were he wouldn't have survived so long. Being able to talk his way out of a situation was a survival trait.

Camouflage is also a survival trait, and like all good survival traits it is largely inherent and instinctive, going unnoticed even by its possessor, operating at such a fundamental level that to the casual observer it seems to be a natural part of him. And so, few notice that somehow, despite all the whinging and all the small misunderstandings, Jean-Paul Beaubier manages to get his own way more often than mere probability allows.

Jean-Paul Beaubier is aware of none of this, he knows not of how these things are coded into the very smallest units of his being; all he knows is that he has an uncanny gift for getting people to see things his way, in the boardroom it's simple and effortless, in his personal life things, well, get somewhat more complicated. Looking at the faces of those around him, at once hungry for information and confused beyond the point of rational thought, he takes a deep breath, and then the words, the perfect life saving words, pour forth from his mouth.

"I guess this is a surprise to all of you," he began staring pointedly at Kurt, "or at least to most of you, with the exception of those of us who were raised not only by the most powerful witch in all Bravaria but also by a gay French trapeze artiste who looked like he'd raided Freddie Mercury's wardrobe. And it was certainly a surprise to me. A pleasant surprise, sure, but still a surprise. If I got that sort of mouth-to-mouth every time I crashed, I'd crash a hell of a lot more often. How much of a surprise? Well, put it this way, I would have been less surprised if Jubilee became the face of Estee Lauder or we all found out that Kurt is a secret transvestite…"

POP! Jubilee's bubble burst as she interjected, "He is!"

As far as Annie was concerned this little talk was already paying dividends. It was all so clear, Kurt, lacking a normal maternal role model, was trying to make up this inadequacy by dating his (and anyone else's) sister and covertly running around in women's clothing. She was just beginning to wonder whether the idea of Kurt in a dress made anyone else in the room feel hot, thinking about it, it had to be Wolverine what with all that burly machimisio when her train of fault was sadly interrupted.

THUD! Kurt had fallen off the chair again. This time no-one laughed. "What do you mean? I'll fight any Schweinhund who puts about rumours that I wear ladies' undergarments! Just lead me to this Saracen Dog, since dear Jubilee it cannot be that such a fair maiden as yourself is responsible, and I shall fight him in a duel of honour for the sanctity of my good name!"

The more recent newcomers to this merry band were somewhat confused by this outburst. Logan smiled, "Now that's the Kurt I know back! Errol Flynn's greatest fan! Come on, Elf, let's go and find the son of a bitch and really buckle his swash for him!" With violence and adventure in the offering, the Canadian X-man suddenly became much more verbose.

"Erm, tell me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Errol Flynn gay?" whispered Annie to Paige.

"How the Hell am I meant to know? Darn it, I'm just seventeen" Paige whispered back.

"But Warren said you were eighteen" said Annie.

"Damn!"

"Whatever!" said Jubilee, "I mean Kitty-Kat just posted this picture on the school bulletin board system. Kurt just looked so fine in that can-can dancer outfit, although I'm not sure about the heels, I mean pink, with your colouring!"

"Scheisse! Doeppel Scheisse! Doeppel Scheisse mit eine Kirsche daruber!" swore Kurt.

Everyone stared. Not only was Kurt a secret transvestite, he was a secret transvestite with a sister fetish, a serious thing for frilly dresses, and a foul mouth. Most of them were still trying to work out what part of anatomy a Kirsch was, and thus declined to comment.

A silence filled the room. Kurt decided to carpe the diem and offer a quick explanation, "Well, as I'm sure you all know, or at least most of you know, well maybe some of you know, Excalibur took a little jaunt down the sidereal string, it wasn't all that little really we just kept on appearing in ever more ludicrous parallel earths, and you see there was this reality where America was the font of all civilisation and Britain was the Wild West, well Wild East, and populated with savage redskin accountants, and it transpired that we had to disguise ourselves in order to rescue Alastair, who had been tied to a totem pole and was about to be sacrificed to make the damn rain stop, and I was the only member of the team who fitted into that verdammt Robe except Rachel, who nobody was going to ask, and she went as Davy Crocket anyway, so I ended up, thanks to having nice slim Hufte, running away from the apache accountants in this big stupid red dress with lace on, and Kitty couldn't stop laughing, and insisted on taking my picture once we got back to the train, which we had liberated from our evil Nazi doubles."

Kurt stopped, gasping for breath, and muttering to himself that Kitty didn't look all too good herself dressed as a bear as she was.

"What is an Excalibur?" whispered Annie

"Don't let him hear you say that!" hissed Jubilee, "Or we'll never escape."

"Don't worry Kurt, we all have our own fashion disasters," said Paige returning to her normal sensible self. Warren couldn't help but admire her, there she was, his girl, taking command of the situation and helping those who cannot help themselves.

Northstar opened his mouth, and said the completely unexpected, unless, dear reader you are in the know regarding the survival traits encoded into his very DNA, "You see, we've all been in situations where we'd rather not be in. And to be frank…"

"What does Frank think about that? You appropriating his name like that." whispered Bobby.

"…to be frank, I'd rather not be in this one. While I really do love cher Robert ici, I can understand your suspicions and your worries. I'm the new guy here and I don't really know any of you as well as I should. I will, therefore, have to prove that my intentions are honourable, so what I propose is that we go on our first date with a chaperone. And if I might make a suggestion, it should be Kurt, firstly he is reliable and certainly won't want to be shown up again by being remiss in his duties and secondly, ladies and gentlemen, by merit of his incredibly bohemian upbringing he is unlikely to be terribly put out by having to baby-sit two guys who can't stop kissing each other."

Warren's brow furrowed slightly and then he smiled, "You know, that actually makes sense."

More questions answered that you never wanted to ask.

Kurt can be seen in a dress in part of the Cross-Time-Caper storyline in Excalibur. Quite possibly the longest multi-part story to ever appear in only one Marvel Comic. It weighs in at around twelve issues, I think, and I can't be bothered to work out which.

I'm quite sure you don't want to know what Nightcrawler was swearing, but anyway, for the terminally immature, it is "Shit! Double Shit! Double Shit with a Cherry on top!" People who know me will be unsurprised. A Kirsch isn't part of your anatomy, except in certain select circumstances, Annie isn't the only one who needs language lessons

Hufte are hips. Nice slim ones are kind of handy if you want to get into a very tight red dress, they are an absolute nuisance if you don't.