Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings or anything else that appears in this story.
To relieve the confusion of those who haven't read our stuff before, this takes place a few weeks after we wrote the Captain Planet one-shot in which they all died horribly, and is also a sequel to LotU: The Fellowship of the Bra. LotU stands for Lord of the Undergarments, and a lot of this would make a lot more sense if you read the first one first.
We know we promised a Metal Gear Solid parody next, but that turned out to be a lot harder than we anticipated and is currently on hold indefinitely. Usually with us, that means it will never see the light of day again, but rather fester on our hard drive next to our unfinished Futurama/Robot Wars crossover.
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The warthog rumbled up the familiar dirt road to Mort Rainey's cabin at Tashmore Lake. The two occupants stumbled out and stretched their legs blearily before walking right into the cabin without even knocking. They wandered around for a few minutes, and soon realized that Mort had split.
"Oh well," said MysticButtCrystal. "I'm sure the readers are tired of hearing about him anyway."
"I hope he didn't get hit by a car or something," said Spoofmaster, worried.
"Who gives a shit?" asked MysticButtCrystal. "We got what we came for: a nice quiet little cabin where we can write and have our sanity slowly and steadily deteriorate. Oh, yeah, and a place where those damn Planeteers won't find us. We never should have written that stupid one-shot."
"Well, we'd better get down to writing before we lose the attention of the readers who came in here looking for a parody," Spoofmaster reminded him.
"All right," agreed MysticButtCrystal. "Just let me go put a camo net over that warthog in case the Geocruiser does a flyby."
The two writers shuddered at the memory of their last encounter with the Planeteers, and had a convenient flashback before getting down to writing.
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FLASHBACK!
It had been some time around two in the morning when Suchi had climbed in through an air duct and into Spoofmaster's room. He had then proceeded to attempt to exit through the bedroom door.
Unfortunately for the butt-faced monkey, Yoshi, Spoofmaster's retarded dog, chose that moment to wake up.
Yes, she really is retarded. We're talking about a dog who gets cuts on her face from running into walls.
Yoshi did the one thing she always did when faced with nearly any situation. She made a bunch of noise and ran around pointlessly. This woke up Spoofmaster, who, upon seeing Suchi in her room, did the one thing she had always felt like doing while watching the show.
She got out her cheap blunt tanto and beat Suchi to death with it.
Ten minutes later, the Planeteers realized that the recon they had sent in was not coming back out and stormed the front door. By that time, Spoofmaster was down in the kitchen and busy making heart-healthy monkey shakes to surprise her brother with. Ma-Ti the buttmonkey found her there and burst into tears upon seeing one of Suchi's legs slowly sinking into the monkey goo in the blender. He just plain fainted when Spoofmaster added the ice cream.
MysticButtCrystal was roused (or perhaps aroused?) by Linka and Gi bursting into his room and obliterating half his door. Actually, that's not really what roused him. It was really the slapping that ensued after he began fondling them in his sleep.
Meanwhile, Spoofmaster had been found by Wheeler and Kwame, who had come to the kitchen after hearing the large thumping noise Ma-Ti had made as he fell over. They entered the room to find her stooped over Ma-Ti's unconscious body, scribbling the words "pygmy weiner" on his head with a Sharpie.
What then commenced was a clichéd chase scene, complete with a hallway lined with doors, despite the lack of such a hallway in the writers' home.
In the end, MysticButtCrystal and Spoofmaster escaped together and drove off in the warthog. Spoofmaster then offered MysticButtCrystal some of her delicious heart-healthy monkey shake, but he just grabbed the whole thing and threw it out of the vehicle in disgust.
They sped off into the night, and did not stop until the middle of the next day at the cabin.
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The Ball-rog bounced out onto the bridge behind the Fellowship, but was so heavy that it just went through the bridge and fell towards its doom. It reached out with all its fiery tendrils, trying to grab onto something, and grasped Gandalf for a moment, pulling him most of the way off the jagged edge of the broken bridge so that he was hanging on for dear life.
"Gandalf!" cried Frodo, turning to run back and help his friend.
"No!" said Aragorn, stopping Frodo. "We must go! It is what he would wish!"
"The hell it is! Save me, you bastards!" yelled Gandalf. "I don't want to die!"
And with that, the Ball-rog's weight caught up to him and pulled him off. The Fellowship turned and ran again, as some orcs shot at them. It wasn't really a threat since the orcs were so crappy, but they ran anyway.
Gandalf, meanwhile, fell through the air after the Ball-rog and whipped out his sword, figuring that he might at least take out his enemy before he died.
Strange that we have never seen this sword before and will never see it again after this.
He held it out as he descended towards the Ball-rog, anticipating a huge dramatic fight scene. Instead, the Ball-rog didn't even see him coming. The sword pushed deep into its rubbery hide, puncturing it. The giant ball squealed comically as it zoomed around losing air until it finally became totally flat and lifeless and snagged on a rock. Gandalf nodded to himself with grim satisfaction just before he fell into a large and unpleasant looking underground lake.
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Frodo awoke with a start. Dreaming real-life events with crystal clarity was always somewhat taxing, and he lay his head back against a rock, no more rested than when he had fallen asleep.
He and Sam were in a large, gray, rocky (not as in Balboa) place that was very ugly. Frodo looked around at his surroundings with distaste and got up.
"We should head on," said Frodo, nudging Sam with his foot. Sam continued to snore gently.
"Come ooooonn!" whined Frodo, bringing his leg back and delivering a vicious kick to Sam's ribs.
Sam, reacting like any self-respecting tough guy who had done his friend a favor by going on a horrible quest with him only to be kicked by said weenie friend for not instantly waking up (probably because he had been up half the night washing Frodo's clothes in a nearby stream and reading the field manuals for the elven gear they were carrying), got up and punched Frodo so hard in the face that he fell over backwards.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo," apologized Sam, helping him back to his feet, "But you really shouldn't kick people."
Frodo clutched at his bleeding nose and whimpered, staring at Sam with wide, hurt eyes.
"Oh, goddamnit," muttered Sam, pulling out a handkerchief and cleaning Frodo up. "You are such a baby."
The two continued toward Mordor for a few hours then, but came to a large drop-off that blocked their path and went in either direction as far as they could see. Sam got out some of the elven rope they had gotten in L-Forest, and tied it around a sturdy-looking rock. He gestured for Frodo to go first, which he did.
Frodo quickly reached the bottom, and stared up into the mist. Sam, who was hampered by having to carry almost all of their stuff (amounting to about half his bodyweight), had a bit of a tougher time and was having to take it slow for safety's sake.
"Hurry up!" moaned Frodo impatiently. He tugged on the rope for emphasis.
"No, Frodo, don't tug the rope!" yelled Sam. Frodo continued to tug the rope.
The rope, being magical elven rope programmed to untie itself when repeatedly tugged from below, let go of the rock. Frodo might have known this would happen if he, like Sam, had had the brains to read the field manuals. Sam fell the last fifteen feet and would have been seriously hurt had he not landed on a large pile of moss. Instead, he was just horribly bruised.
Frodo, abashed, quickly set about coiling the rope while Sam got up and resisted the urge to strangle Frodo for the fifteenth time in the last five hours. At this point, he was regretting volunteering to baby-sit Frodo. However, seeing that Frodo was his life-long friend and that the fate of the world was at sake, he really didn't see much of an alternative to going on. This made him feel trapped and helpless, and therefore very pissed off.
Frodo finished and jammed the rope into his own bag. He had the decency to be ashamed about what he had done, and avoided looking at Sam.
"Let's just eat lunch," sighed Sam, settling back down on the moss and taking his pack off. He reached in and pulled out a single elven MRE (one was generally more than enough for both halflings, since the meals had been designed to sustain full-size elves in combat).
"Vegetarian today," muttered Sam, opening the outer wrapper and dumping the contents out on the ground between them. "You know what that means. Hard vegetable crackers as dry as rocks and peanut butter."
Both hobbits made a face at the thought, knowing that they would have to eat it for the sake of the protein.
Frodo glanced down at the scattered packages. His eyes widened briefly, and his hand reached out with lightning speed and snatched something, which he put behind himself.
Sam caught the motion out of the corner of his eye as he was setting up the chemical heater for the main course.
"What did you just take, Frodo?" asked Sam.
"Nothing," lied Frodo. "Just some of those nasty vegetable crackers."
Sam looked suspiciously at his friend, and began rifling through the small pile of packaged processed super-food in front of him.
"Wait," growled Sam. "The vegetarian MRE has pound cake. Where's the pound cake, Frodo?"
"They must have forgotten to put it in," suggested Frodo, scooting back to hide the dessert under his buttocks.
"Now, Frodo," scolded Sam gently. "I think I've been putting up with your crap pretty well so far. The thing is, though, if you even think of keeping all of that pound cake to yourself, I might just give in and choke you to death with these vegetable crackers."
Sam smiled sweetly at Frodo, holding the horrid little brown squares up to show him. Frodo blanched and quickly handed the pound cake over. Sam removed it from its wrapper and tore it in half. He decided to save his share for last so that he wouldn't be tasting vegetable crackers all day, and accordingly hid it away under his leg on top of the MRE outer wrapper so that it wouldn't get dirt on it.
Frodo, on the other hand, scarfed his down immediately.
The hobbits ate the rest of their meal in silence, except when it came to the crackers. These they smothered in peanut butter, as they were supposed to, and choked down as quickly as they could (which amounted to about two minutes. Have you ever eaten MRE crackers with peanut butter on them? It's hard work!). They made little gagging noises, and almost choked a few times. Afterwards, they both washed the food down with copious amounts of water, since the crackers made their mouths feel dry and sticky. The rest of the meal was quite pleasant in comparison, especially for Sam, who got to savor his pound cake. Frodo stared at him with big puppy-dog eyes. Eating the pound cake in front of Frodo when Frodo didn't have any made it all the more delicious.
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Later that evening, however, the two hobbits were in a foul mood. They hadn't made much progress since lunchtime, having gotten lost and gone in a big circle for several hours. They spread their blankets, Sam muttering the whole time, and went to sleep.
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Gollum crept down the small cliff above the hobbits face-first at about four in the morning. His approach would have been absolutely silent, had he not been complaining to himself the whole way.
"Smelly hobbitses, think they can steal our precious, we'll show them!" hissed Gollum to himself. "What has the world come to, filthy hobbitses coming into our homeses and taking anything they wants!"
Gollum remembered with bitterness what had happened a few years after Bilbo had stolen the Bra from him. Another hobbit had stopped by his cave and stolen his stereo. It had been then that Gollum realized that the entire world was conspiring against him and left to go retrieve his possessions.
Luckily for the two hobbits, Gollum was a freaking idiot who constantly talked to himself when he should have been sneaking, and they woke up in time to kick his ass.
Sam punched Gollum, but despite his emaciated condition, Gollum was quite strong and knocked Sam aside. Sam, however, grabbed Gollum's foot and pulled him over on top of himself. Frodo then whipped out Sting and swung it toward Gollum, stopping just short of his throat. Gollum lay panting on the ground, his bulbous eyes fixed on Sting. Sam struggled out from under him, and was nicked on the face with the waving sword for his troubles.
"Ouch!" roared Sam, more angry than hurt. "Is it so hard to keep it steady?!" he bellowed, giving Frodo a non-too-playful shove that almost sent Sting into Gollum's throat. He stormed over to Frodo's bag and pulled out the rope, intending to tie up their adversary. Frodo, however, was an incompetent, and the rope had become a giant knot due to poor storage.
Sam sat down and began untying it. After about twenty seconds he realized how stupid he was being, stuck one of the loops on a nearby rock, and tugged on the other end. The rope obediently untied that segment, and he repeated the process until it was completely undone.
Sam then realized how stupid it would be to use such a rope to tie someone up, coiled it back up, and got out some crappy normal rope.
By this time, Gollum was getting kind of fussy, and kept wiggling around and making obnoxious moaning noises.
Sam tied the rope around Gollum's neck, and then around his wrists so that it formed a sort of leash. He set Frodo to hold on to it and watch Gollum while he repacked their stuff, figuring that they weren't going to get any more sleep and might as well move on. Gollum rolled around on the ground the entire time and made nasty little sounds like he was snorting up snot. They moved out, Frodo tugging Gollum along.
"Nassty elvish rope!" cried Gollum, standing still until he reached the end of the leash and was pulled forward onto his face. "It burns uss!"
"That rope isn't even elvish!" yelled Sam. "It's hemp, and I brought it from the Shire!"
"Oh," Gollum paused for a moment, looking thoughtful, then began in the same tone of voice as before, but louder. "Nasty hobbit rope! It BUUUURRRNSS uss!!"
"Oh, shut up!" wailed Sam.
"Hey," said Frodo, getting an idea. "He's been to Mordor, right? Maybe he could show us how to get there!"
"Yes!" agreed Gollum. "But not while we has this rope on. It buuuuuuuurnses."
"If we take the rope off, he'll probably just run off," grumbled Sam. "Or maybe he'll bite us and give us rabies, and then run off."
"But we'll swear!" protested Gollum. "We'll swear on the Precious!"
"Come on, Sam," said Frodo. "How else are we going to get there? Besides, look at him. He's cute!"
Gollum opened his eyes very wide and did his best to look cute.
"Aw, hell," sighed Sam. "This isn't a kitten we're talking about!"
"I like kittenses," interjected Gollum, grinning.
"I'll bet," replied Sam dryly, knowing just how Gollum probably liked his kittenses. Rare, no doubt. Although, Frodo was right. They really didn't have much of an alternative. He grumbled to himself, and untied Gollum, who did a happy dance, which caused Frodo to grin and clap with glee.
The three set out for Mordor, which Gollum warned them was "full of orcses, thousands of delicious orcses."
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Yea, we devoted, like, two pages to the hobbits having lunch! We're just like Tolkien! Hopefully it'll speed up a little later, or else part two will be enormous.
We wanted to get this to all you nice people on Saturday. Unfortunately, broke...again. Sorry for the inconvenience.