HUGE IMPORTANT NOTE:
Hi, this is Spoofmaster. MBC's out of town for a day or two, or he'd be here to. As you may or may not have noticed, my PotC parody was recently deleted. Because my e-mail is broken, I can't know for sure why this happened. I have a suspicion, though, that it may be because of my review responses. And so, much as I regret to do this, I am taking review responses off of all my stories for the time being, just to be sure I won't get anything else deleted. They may or may not come back—it depends on what I find out when I get my e-mail back. IF this was the reason for the deletion, OOC Jack will probably be coming back as soon as my account is no longer frozen.
Oh, and speaking of frozen, that means no update this week. I can update again sometime next week. I will make an effort to use this extra week between updates to make a better and longer chapter than usual for this story and, if it is going back up, OOC Jack as well.
We have no authors' note!
...Except this one: Too bad it's late, sucks to be you, we've been busy with several entertaining activities, including:
-Painting a head
-Catching contagious diseases, and then lying around feeling bad
-Playing Pikmin 2
-Feeding corncobs to dogs
-Realizing how sick we are of writing this story
-Watching crappy movies
-Watching crappy TV shows
-Watching more LotR so we could actually write this chapter
-Wandering around
-Writing stupid lists of things we've done this week instead of working on the chapter
-Noticing that the last five items started with W
-Damn, that's just eerie, isn't it?
-Yeah, I thought so too
MASTER LIFE CLOCK: 7:28
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Frodo and Sam trudged along behind Gollum, who scampered ahead on all fours. He turned and stared back at them, seemingly disgusted at how slowly they were moving. Frodo took this as permission to sit down, and both Gollum and Sam groaned. Frodo had a habit of stopping for a break every fifteen minutes, and it was getting old fast. They had moved past that rocky (not as in Balboa) area, and were in a creepy-looking swampy (not as in...wait, that doesn't work here) area instead. Isn't Middle Earth great? You could take a camera and get a snapshot of any landscape, anywhere, and it would work as an image for a manna card in Magic.
Sam grudgingly sat down next to Frodo, and Gollum wandered off to find something to eat.
"I hate this place," mumbled Sam. "It's too quiet."
"Yes, no nice crunchable birdses, rabbitses, or fish..eses...eseses fishesssesst," lamented Gollum, trying to figure out how to apply his speech impediment to the word fish as he came back. In his hand, he held a wad of squirming night crawlers, which he slurped down one after another like living pieces of spaghetti.
Frodo got out an MRE, and since it was near time for their single daily meal anyway, Sam didn't yell at him to put it away. He let out a sigh, though, when he saw which meal it was. This was the third vegetarian meal they'd had! How many vegetarians did the elves expect to have in their military?! Apparently they couldn't eat anything with a face, but could easily put an arrow through a face. Stupid elves.
The hobbits split the cold food, and Sam prepared the chemical heater because Frodo was just too much of an idiot to work it. He had let Frodo do it once, and that was one incident Sam didn't want to repeat.
Feeling spiteful, Sam threw his dry, spread-less vegetable cracker to Gollum and squeezed the peanut butter directly into his mouth. Gollum picked up the cracker and took a large bite out of it.
Understandably, Gollum then gagged and writhed around on the ground for a bit before throwing the rest of the cracker as far as he could and puking. Dry bits of cracker and still-writhing chunks of night crawlers formed a disturbing little pile on the ground.
"It tries to poison us!" Cried Gollum. "Stupid fat hobbit!"
Sam made no reply, as Gollum's accusation was entirely correct.
"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERCH!" cried a Nazgul.
"Oh shit!" yelled Sam. He and Frodo hastily grabbed their food, Sam burning himself on the chemical heater, and they pulled their cloaks over themselves. Gollum dove under a large clump of grass, and they all tried to be inconspicuous.
Far above, Dexter the Nazgul rode on his mighty steed, Thomas the horrible winged monster. Where did his horse go? Well, Dexter didn't even have a horse to begin with. We've never even seen him before, remember?
"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" replied Thomas.
"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERCH!" screeched Dexter.
"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" retorted Thomas.
The two of them were actually having a nice chat about Gilligan's Island, but the hobbits didn't know that. And, since Gollum and the hobbits remained unseen, Thomas and Dexter just kept on going, completely oblivious. They might have remained oblivious anyway, though, since neither of them was really paying attention. Dexter figured that anyone stupid enough to cut across the Dead Marshes was never going to make across anyway, so why fret and search? Besides, there was no way for him to sense the Bra even if it was below him. All those pasty ghosts kept throwing off his evil senses. It was like wearing thermo goggles inside a furnace.
After Dexter had gone, the hobbits got back to their meal. They were shaken, though, and didn't even really enjoy the pound cake as they glanced around nervously at the sky. Gollum didn't come out at all until they were moving on. He'd been kind of tired, and what with lying under a clump of grass and all, he'd fallen asleep.
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"Look at all those lights," murmured Frodo, looking around at the swamp, which had come alive with hundreds of strange little tiki lantern things bobbing around in midair.
"Don't follow the lights," advised Gollum. "They leads you right into the water, and then the narsty ghostseses try to drown you when you jump in to try to eat their delicious corpses."
"What?" snapped Sam. "Damn, you're one nasty thing, you know that?"
Frodo, like usual, wasn't paying attention and was following a particularly attractive light. It had promised him French toast and jam, so he trusted it completely.
"Mmmm, light toast," drooled Frodo. Then he fell in the water.
"Whrrrrrraaaaaaaarrrrr!" commented the local ghost. "Heerrrrrrrrr issss yurrrrrrrrrr toasssssst and jaammmmmmmmmm!" It moaned, holding up a plate full of scrumptious-looking French toast and jam, which was somehow waterproof.
"AHH, A GHOST, A SCARY GHOST!" yelled Frodo realizing that he could somehow breathe in this freaky ghost environment. Then he realized that this ghost really didn't look very threatening, and was offering him French toast and jam. "But...okay! Thank you for this French toast and jam! Sorry I yelled."
"'Ss allrright," replied the ghost. "I jussssstt gett ssssso lonnnnnnely. It'ssss niiiccccce tto havvve commmpannny."
Just then, Sam's and Gollum's hands plunged into the water, gripped Frodo's shoulders firmly, and hauled him out of the water. Frodo emerged still clutching his French toast and jam.
"What did you do that for?" demanded Frodo. "That ghost was nice, and he gave me French toast and jam!"
"Really?" asked Sam.
"Yeah!" replied Frodo, holding up the plate of French toast and jam as evidence.
"Hey, that's pretty cool!" exclaimed Sam. "Let's go hang out with him!"
And so, both hobbits jumped back into the water. The ghost, who turned out to be an old dead soldier named Staff Sergeant Edward Tuttle, served them both lots of delicious foods and drinks, and told them about himself and listened to their stories in turn. Apparently, all the dead of the battle had decided to stick around the marshes and do the whole haunting thing. Back then, it had seemed like a cool idea, but after a few thousand years it just seemed like a very stupid one. I mean, one ghost can go off and haunt a place and be successful, but when you have thousands of ghosts in one place, people just start avoiding the entire area. Edward informed them that if they had fallen into almost any of the other pools, the resident ghosts would have just tried to strangle them. He, however, had been one of the main opponents of the whole haunting thing from the beginning, and enjoyed meeting new people. He advised them to stay away from the other ghosts, but suggested that perhaps they could mark his pool and come see him again sometime.
"Why do you stay here?" asked Frodo. "I mean, isn't there an afterlife you could go to?"
"I realllyy donnn't knnnnnoww," replied Edward uncertainly. "I knnnow therrre's onne sommmewherre. Affter the battle, sommme other ghostsss cammme up inn wagonnnss and sssaid they were goinnng to take uss there. Therre wasssnn't enough roommm, though, annd mmost of uss got lefft behinnnd. At ffirsst, we thought theyy'd comme back fffor uss. I guesss we ssshould havvve knnnownn better thann to expect civvilll ssservannntss to havvve a good wwwork ethic. Afffter allll, you rrrealy cann't expect mmuch mmore out of ssssomeone whho commmmitted sssuicide."
"You should leave and try to find it," advised Sam. "You're obviously not happy here."
"Mmmaybe I wwwilll," sighed Edward. "Thhhannnks fffforr brrinnginng mmme to mmmy ssennssess. You'd better gett going too. Thhhat quessst of yourrss iss pretty immmportant. Affter all, I died fffor it onnnce."
The hobbits thanked Edward profusely and climbed back up onto the bank. They'd actually spent two days down in the water with Edward. Luckily, Gollum had hung around, hoping that by some miracle, the Bra would come loose and bob to the surface. It was hard to say if he looked relieved or disappointed when Frodo and Sam clambered up out of the pool.
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Gimli examined a leaf that was dark with blood. He touched it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Yech!" cried Gimli, spitting the blood out. "Orc blood!"
"And you can tell by taste?" frowned Legolas. "How much blood do you taste on a regular basis?"
"Erm..." Gimli shifted uncomfortably. "Well, the thing about that is...."
"Shut up, both of you," commanded Aragorn, and the elf and dwarf fell silent. Listening to those two idiots was bad at the best of times. But having to listen to it while tracking hobbits through a creepy forest? No.
"These trees are very old," commented Legolas after a brief analysis. "And they're really pissed."
"What do trees have to be pissed about?" grumbled Gimli. "For that matter, what business do trees have feeling at all?"
"The elves woke up the trees a long time ago," lectured Aragorn. "The elves did all sorts of stupid shit like that. Way back when they weren't burnt out yet, they went around messing with everything."
"You elves really have a history of doing stupid things, don't you?" chuckled Gimli.
"Yea, well at least we weren't created by some upstart Vala who didn't have the patience to wait for Eru's real children!" spat Legolas.
"Don't you be talking about Aule that way!" roared Gimli.
"As a Numenorean, I'm better than both of you, so shut the hell up," interjected Aragorn.
"Yeah, and what happened to Numenor, huh?!" mocked Legolas. "Oh yes, it sank!"
"Whatever," sighed Aragorn, rolling his eyes. "Can we please just get back to tracking down the hobbits?"
Legolas and Gimli grumbled, but complied.
"I feel something," commented Legolas after a few minutes of silence.
"What is it now?!" snapped Aragorn.
"Feminine itch?" suggested Gimli.
"No, just a really badass wizard coming our way!" retorted Legolas. "It's probably that Saruman guy."
"Shit," said Aragorn. "Okay, everyone hide behind a tree, and when he comes by, we'll jump him. We gotta be fast, or he'll turn us into iguanas or something."
The three adventurers hid behind trees. Soon, a shining white figure walked into view.
"Get him!" yelled Aragorn, jumping out and slashing at the figure. Legolas and Gimli hopped out from their hiding places as well, and also attacked. The white figure held up a hand and force-pushed them all onto their asses.
"First you leave me to die, and then you try to jump out and kill me!" complained Gandalf, turning his shine factor down a ways so they could see his face. "What is with you people?!"
"Gandalf?" wondered Aragorn, staring up at him. "How? You died!"
"Thanks to you, yes!" growled Gandalf. "Anyway, Eru sent me back."
"How? Why?" asked Legolas.
"I'll tell you," replied Gandalf.
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SPIFFY FLASHBACK
Gandalf stood atop a mountain, having escaped from the cavern below. Unfortunately, the Ball-Rog had been a mommy, and he had been pursued by countless baby Ball-Rogs, each about the size of a normal dodge ball. He was killing them right and left, but they gradually pummeled him to death. Once they had killed him, they wandered off, leaving his body in the snow.
Gandalf's spirit traveled through space, time, and other flashy-looking places, and came finally to stand at Eru's feet.
"You wizards have a lot to answer for," rumbled Eru. "The whole reason you exist is to prevent what is happening now from ever occurring, and you never seem to do anything useful. You just wander around saying cryptic shit to my children."
"I've been trying!" protested Gandalf.
"You know when you should have been trying?" replied Eru. "You should have been trying back when you could have stopped it all without all this trouble. But no, you were spending that time getting high with hobbits!"
"But there were other wizards who were supposed to be working also!" cried Gandalf. "Saruman was the one watching Sauron, not me!"
"Yes, you're right," admitted Eru. "The sad part is, of all the wizards, you're the one that fucked up least! I mean, Saruman turned evil and Radagast is a daft bastard who spends all his time talking to birds! Why the hell would you talk to birds?"
"I have done better than the others, at least," smiled Gandalf.
"That's not saying much," frowned Eru. "The thing is, though, the whole world that I and my Valar spent so much time creating is about to go down to some half-assed former henchman of Morgoth, and that just pisses me off. I don't want it said that my creations were too weak to stand up on their own and had to be saved by the Valar themselves a second time! Do you know how absolutely annoying it is to know that my regulars can't even take out someone on their own level? Middle Earth is supposed to be self-sustaining!"
"But what can I do now?" demanded Gandalf. "I'm dead!"
"Here's what I'm going to do," replied Eru. "I'm going to send you back, and I'm going to give you Saruman's color. You know, white, the top rank. It isn't because you did a good job, though, and know this: it's your last damn chance. I'm going to give you better wizard powers, and you'd better give me some results."
Gandalf flew back through all that cool-looking universe and back to himself. He awoke in the snow, sat up, and headed off to find his party and get to work.
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"Wow, Eru's not what I expected," commented Legolas. "He sure has a foul mouth!"
"Yes, well you wouldn't expect the future kind to be a filthy pervert, now would you?" replied Gandalf, glancing at Aragorn. "I found Merry and Pippin, and they're fine, so you can stop worrying and get on to more pressing matters with me. Hopefully their presence here will make the ents get their shit together, because there's not much more I can do about that situation if they don't. Meanwhile, the four of us are going to Edoras. We've got to get the Rohirrim organized if we're going to win this thing, and Theoden King has demons in his head or something."
"What's an ent?" wondered Gimli.
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Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli stepped out of the shadows of Fangorn. Probably Hasufel and Probably Arod looked up from where they had been grazing, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli went to them.
Gandalf stood out in the open, and whistled.
Well, he tried to whistle, but whistling's hard. Eventually he just blew a big, wet raspberry.
Shadowfax, recognizing his master's call, ran up. His name would have been cool if it hadn't sounded like high-end office equipment.
"This is Shadowfax," explained Gandalf, stroking his horse's neck. "He's the kickassest horse that's ever been, and I got him from Theoden as a bribe to make me leave."
"How'd you manage that?" wondered Aragorn. "I've heard of this horse. "The whole damn world's heard of this horse! Why would he give him to you?"
"I used the same trick Han Solo used to get the Millennium Falcon," said Gandalf, waving a hand dismissively. "They said to take any horse, and I took the best."
"Who the hell is Han Solo?" asked Legolas. "And what's a Millennium Falcon?"
"We wizards know things others don't," replied Gandalf. "And sometimes we forget that others don't know them. Let it suffice to say that he was very tricky, and the Millennium Falcon was really good."
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MASTER LIFE CLOCK: 6:49