Chapter 11: 21 days

Abby had been able to finally nurse Eryn and the bonding process between mother and child was going well, although Eryn tired out fast and spent most of her time sleeping that didn't deter Abby from sitting in a rocking chair in the NICU rocking her daughter.

She was 21 days old now not much bigger than the day she was born having only reached 5 pounds 14 oz. But every little ounce that she gained was rejoiced for it made her that much bigger and the much stronger for the impending surgery that they knew was bound to come.

Abby was sitting there now getting ready to put Eryn back into her little well decorated bed. Stuffed animals had multiplied when they weren't looking little gifts from the staff downstairs who had come up to take a peak at the newest member of the ER family.

She carefully laid her down making sure that all the wires and tubes were where they should be, moving Eryn was still difficult and trying not wanting to pull anything lose and have the barrage of monitors start beeping and she really did not like the nasal canula that was in her nose. When Eryn got the chance she liked to removed it.

She had also gotten quite proficient at kicking the little pulse ox monitor off her toe too. They were going to have to find somewhere else to put it as it was now taped into place so that she couldn't wiggle out of it, giving everyone heart attacks when she started beeping. When she had finished tucking her in Abby turned around to come face to face with Dr. Winters and Simmons as well as a doctor she hadn't met before.

"Abby how are you guys doing today?"

"We are both doing well." Abby replied with a smile, "she just ate and is happy sleeping again."

"That's good to hear." He said, "why don't we go over here and talk." Dr. Simmons said holding out his hand, "get some coffee?"

Abby nodded and followed the physicians into a little room where they could all sit and talked, wondering if she should get Carter up here for this. The way that the three doctors looked she was getting this feeling that something heavy was about to be dropped on her and she didn't know if it was something that she wanted to hear alone.

She took the cup of coffee that was handed to her by Dr. Winters as they all sat down. It was Dr. Simmons who spoke first.

"Abby as you know we've done a series of echocardiograms on Eryn's heart and what we had hoped to see by now hasn't happened."

Abby didn't know what to make of that, if it was bad or good, while the medical jargon was not so difficult to understand she was far from an expert in cardiology and not an expert in the pediatric department. Abby nodded, "and that means?"

"We are going to schedule her for surgery here in the next few days. Eryn all things considered is doing remarkably well and we believe that we need to proceed with the next step."

Abby sat there for a minute taking in what he said, "if you think that's what needs to be done." She would never say no knowing that it could seriously jeopardize her daughter's health to do so.

"We do," he said looking at her with sympathetic eyes, "this is Dr. Steven Wright; he's one of the best pediatric cardiology surgeons that we have."

Abby looked at him, "Abby Lockhart, Eryn's mother." She said out of habit. Surgeons had the worst bedside manner out of all the physicians that Abby had worked with and she really didn't expect much more from this man.

"As you know," he started in, cold just as she thought he would be, "any surgery carries risks and I won't lie to you or sugar coat things in any way. The procedure that Eryn needs to have done carries a high mortality rate."

Abby heart hit the floor right there and then. Those were not the words that she wanted to hear, far from it that was not what she had been lead to believe all this time and while she knew that nothing in medicine was ever black and white this was not good news to have to sit and hear. "How high?" Not that she wanted to know but she found herself asking.

"There is a 40 survival rate."

Abby felt her heart break into two then and there. Those were no good odds and she didn't like them, she thought about telling him for a moment that they were not going to do this, that surgery was just to risky.

"But with out surgery your daughter's condition is fatal."

Oh that wasn't good either. They either had to take the risks of the surgery or they would certainly lose Eryn. All Abby could do was nod, they didn't have many options right now and the decision was not difficult, she wanted to give Eryn every fighting chance she had.

The surgeon started to explain the procedure that they were going to do to Abby. A Stage One Norwood to begin to reconstruct Eryn's heart so that it could carry blood better and oxygenate her body. The second stage a Hemi-Fontan would then be done between the ages of 3 months to 10 months to complete the second part of Eryn's heart's reconstruction and the third and final stage the Fontan would be done between 18 to 24 months. He also went into all the complications that they could possible expect ranging from increased cyanosis to arrhythmias to sudden death. None of which sat well with Abby but she knew that this right now was the best option that was facing them.

"Will you be able to explain all of this to Carter when he comes up?" Abby said, "he's working in the ER right now." With all the information that Abby had just taken in she didn't know if she could relate it to Carter the way that it was supposed to be relayed.

"I know it's a lot to take in Abby." Dr. Winters said, "I'll make sure that Dr. Carter is informed of everything that we have talked about. I can go down there when we are finished here if you would like."

"Yeah please." Abby said. She could feel her body going numb and right now all she wanted to do was to go back to her rocking chair and rock her baby.

"I'll do that." Dr. Winters said as they all stood up, he put his arm around Abby knowing that this was a difficult time for them and while the news was not horrible it wasn't the greatest either. They were facing some difficult odds now, "it will be okay, have faith, and she's a strong little girl." He said as they reached where Eryn was sleeping.

Abby picked Eryn back up and sat with the pillow in the rocking chair where she had already spent so many hours. She just nodded holding the baby close to her heart as she rocked needing her there with her in her arms right now. They all backed away giving Abby the space and the extra time that she needed with Eryn as the tears again began to fall. Abby was terrified of everything that could go wrong; she just prayed that they would all be strong enough to make it through this.

She had to have been sitting there for almost an hour when she heard Carter's voice talking with one of the nurses before he came over to where Abby was sitting her eyes still wet from all the tears that had fallen but holding Eryn was comforting to her and gave her something immediate to focus on.

"Hey," Carter said softly as he pulled another chair over so that he was sitting near them, gently touching the baby's head before placing a small kiss on her forehead. He could clearly see how stressed out Abby had become over all of this and he didn't blame her.

"On a break." Abby asked softly.

"I'm off." He said, "I got someone to cover the rest of my shift so that I could come up here and be with you two right now."

"Do you want to hold her?" Abby asked.

"Do you want me to take her for a little bit?"

Abby just nodded as the two of them changed places and it was Carter who was in the rocking chair now with the baby girl in his arms. The conversation that he had with Dr. Winters downstairs, those words were still echoing in his head as he looked down at the face of the sleeping of his sleeping child there in his arms.

There was this empty feeling one that there were no words for that they were both feeling right now. Despair might have been what it was but neither parent was willing to give up the fight for that little girl right now. Doing what was best was never an easy choice and all decisions came with a high price for Eryn that price could very well be her life. As doctors they were responsible for making decisions about other people's lives on a daily basis sometime the outcomes were good and other times the patient died and it was the family that had to learn to cope with the loss. Here they were responsible for this little tiny person's live but this time it was they who would have to personally deal with the outcome good or bad, they needed to both go into this feeling that they were making the right decisions so that there was no looking back with regret if god forbid something should happen.