I am updating today in honor of the day my dear second-in-command, Jombles McFloobenheimen, was birthed. Jombles, known as Michelle to the less cool, is the creator of the new religion Hannaism. Hannaism is where we all worship me. We're still getting the details worked out, but so far, we have a Hanble, the book filled with rule sabotu worhipping me and fics and reviews and quotes and wit. My name, as the worshipee of the Hannaists, is Supreme Goddess of all Things Witty and/or Humorous. All the Hannaists must wear plaid, which is the official color of Hannaism (or maybe the colors are green, blue, and purple… or maybe the color is green, blue, and purple plaid. I don't really remember) and backwards baseball caps, except the cap is really a giant blueberry muffin with a brim. The muffin is partly because I'm Muffin and partly because you'll all look ridiculous. Anyone who wants to BECOME a Hannaist just review saying so and we'll add you to the list of me, Jombles, Izzpuppy, and hotplates23 who I don't know but Jombles added. Happy birthday, Jombles! Jombles is turning an impressive hrmmrmmmam today. Send presents.
Sorry this update took a bit longer than usual. For one, I was off having a life- well, sharing my MOTHER'S life. My social life has become tagging along with my mother while she has a social life. Two nights in a row I'm eating dinner with my mom's friends. But anyway, I've also been slightly at a loss of how to tie this story up. I seriously started singing to myself, "Where do we go from here? Why is the path unclear? Something something something we go hand in hand but we walk alone in fear!" And then I moved on to, "They got… the mustard… out!"
I think the world is divided into two different kinds of people- people who love my ranting and people who hate them. Which kind are you?
1. rant-lovers (are extremely fantastic and deserve many cupcake points)
2. rant-haters (have very large and pointy sticks up their butts)
Hey, you know I don't mean that. You know I just say stuff like that because I think I'm funny.
You know what I've realized is cool in a weird way? People mention me in their reviews for other fics all the time. It makes me feel all tingly when I see my name somewhere that it usually isn't. The person's like "...ranting like Muffin…" and I'm like HEY that's me! I get to be one of those people you COMPARE stuff to! Like 'crazy like Charlie Manson' and 'freaky like Michael Jackson' and 'fat like Shamoo.' I'm right up there with an insane murderer, a high-voiced 80s pop icon found innocent for molesting small boys, and a large whale! If that's not awesome, then I just don't know what awesome is. So all those people who do that are COOL. Feel my love. Aw, geez, now that was extremely dirty.
Okay, all of you as my reviewers have made my ego inflate to at least 127 times bigger that it previously was. I'm seriously in love with myself now. Every time I pass a mirror, I just want to jump myself. I mean, the only reason the shout outs are so long is that I get such fantabulous reviews. Practically ALL my reviews are long and rambling! I foster the ramblers, I have to REWARD the ramblers.
Bloodymary2: What's with the 'ow?' Am I so intelligent and witty that it pains you to write about? Like the sun is so powerful, you can't look straight at it. That's me. He's a total Greek god. Keep reviewing, because you make me love myself just a little bit more. I didn't even know it was possible.
Fairest Gold: Squeal! I made someone come out of their non-reviewing cage! I feel so special! Not a big rambler yet, ey? YET being the operative word. I'll transform you. I have the power. I've actually done it before- let me count- at least 6 times, I think it is. At least. By the end of this, your reviews will be a mile long…guaranteed! Or your money back! Yes, you paid money. You know… the money… that you paid when… you know. Geez. Can we say 'short attention span?' Come on, everybody say it. I know we can. Just say the words, it's easy. There we go! I knew you could say it. Short attention span. It wasn't that difficult to say, now was it? Good job.
Ruli: Hello there. Watch as I acknowledge you.
Beeba Baby: Why should I do this? We email. Heh, I can't believe you actually WROTE OUT the email for me when you couldn't get to a computer. That makes me feel really special. Um, hey, oy with the being reasonable about the hits thing. I detest reason. Stop bringing into my life, Moist Meg! Bleh. Hate the word moist. I read this thing on the internet once that said girls hate that word more than guys. Interesting, no? I refuse to watch Catscratch because the cats scare me. They're freaky looking. But I've seen the promos. My mouth dropped to the floor and I really did scream, "WHAT?" when I heard about a review LONGER than mine! How DARE they! So went on over to your reviews to witness this travesty for myself. It was Anwa! Now, see, I really love Anwa. But how dare she do that! Hey, if you're reading- I'm appalled! Overshadowed by a student? Student surpasses teacher? Unacceptable! But she did mention me in the review, so my anger dims slightly. But, agh! The one stable thing in my life currently- I give the longest reviews- TAKEN from me! I need routine, dammit! I feel lost. I feel weak. Get the smelling salts.
Kryss33: I can't believe you actually wrote down what you wanted to say to me. That makes me feel so important. I'm important enough to be on real paper! Gah, I saw Sleepover at this sleepover birthday party. I kept yelling about how bad it was while we watched, like, "Hey! Did you SEE that? That's insane!" And everyone kept telling me to shut up. It was very sad. No one appreciated my brand of comedic mocking. Heh, when I'm in geometry next year, they're gonna be all, "Okay, so let's recap what you learned last year." And I'll be like… nakedness plus daughter equals bad. I'll be so popular. 2 percent review! No, no, no, this is not acceptable! Love the length is growing. Review length, that is, don't make this dirty. Keep working and I'll have another review-protégé to add to my already growing list. Two hands, my friend, not just one now. To count on, that is.
Michelle and Egbert: Although I am very good at math (tightens imaginary bow tie because bow ties are scary and I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a real one. Except, you know, I'd be dead, so I wouldn't have too big of a say in the decision if someone felt the need to put a bow tie on a random dead girl. Though why they'd feel that need, I don't know), I didn't trust that statistic with my own skills. But a calculator is always wrong if you type the wrong thing in- I got the right answer for a completely different question. I've always thought percentages above me, so I never remember how to do them. I sat there for about 20 minutes, not saying anything, with a pouting and pondering look on my face. Thinking. And then I was like, "Hey! They're right!" So, you're right. I apologize.
Rusty my Rusty: People need to STOP being reasonable about the hits thing. I don't want to factor REASON into this! That's no fun! Hmmm… how many puppies can I have? I want all the puppies in the world. But you get to feed them. I HATE feeding my dog. Ugh, and picking up the… excrement? So gross. Once I picked it up really quickly (in a BAG of course) and ran over to the trashcan but then it wasn't in the bag anymore. I think it fell out somewhere. Congratulations to the person who finds it, heh.
Severien: You know what, the thing is, I actually AM Lorelai. The TV was getting much too cramped for me, so I leapt OUT of it and began wandering around the real world. Of course, I'm only a few inches tall because I'm on TV, so I can't get a real job. That's why I volunteered to write these author's notes. I mean, I have to jump from key to key to write, so all of it takes days, but it's worth it.
FanOfLOST: Blasphemous is a fun word. You can bring up the reviewing, but do indeed give me credit for my brilliant observation. I'm thanking you on behalf of everyone for the cookies. They were very delicious.
thePigster: I've created many a rambler! You are another to add to my long and growing list. I love that episode too- but, of course, you forgot about the best part of that episode…naked Kirk. No, just kidding. I meant the kiss. Love the story about you cracking up. I made the most disgusted face when I read that. And then I imagined it in my head. And then I made an even more disgusted face. And then I was like, "Wow, awesome." Ugh, it haunts me day and night- what was the Loner protesting? GAH! We will never know.
Izzpuppy: Your reviews are insane because you review EVERYTHING including the a/n's and shout outs, which I find kind of disturbing but fantastic all the same. You know, you asked me if I wanted to know the release of Season 4 but then you never says it. But I know, anyway, it's September 27th, I think. I LOVE sticking my fingers in candle wax. People are like, what are you DOING? Love the line about you being my puppy I got instead of a sex change and relieving yourself on your computer chair. Skimpy little doodads. Heh. I love my sex lines. I'm so incredibly smart, you know? I just am. I'm so great.
pOnDeReSqUe: I'm so disappointed in current Rory. I'm with ya on the orange-juice-bee-field thing. What is a bee field? A field of bees? How do you contain the bees in the field without dismantling the natural environment with walls and stuff? Do bees like orange juice? Heh, pseudo-wazoo roof. I love my proper, imaginative comparison and threat. I enjoy my story VERY much. Oh, here come Jess and young Johnny. Hello, boys. Heh, Girl Scout Luke. I sadly HAVEN'T watched Rocky Horror, through no fault of my own! My dad and I rented it to watch and then, he just randomly decided I couldn't watch it. Ugh. And we watched part of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and then my parents decided I was too young for it! Halfway through! I'm like, you can't do that now! I'm interested! But I'm young, I have more time. I bet you're older than me. You've got years on me. How is a one dollar whore better? It's worse! You pay less, therefore you get less quality whorage. I'd go for a three, four, five dollar whore! Actually, I have no idea. You could be right. I don't really know anything about whores or their prices. I'm just assuming. And you know what they say when you assume.
Anwa: Wow, you had that movie night? That's crazy! It's like linked minds, man. I know I reference her ahead of time, I actually put that at the bottom. And I'm pretty sure it's Nicole. Wow, active anticipation with a death wish. That's not something you see everyday.
Epona9009: Why would you want to HELP telling me I'm good? I mean… stop it, you damned Epona! Why in the world are you PRAISING me? I don't want to hear this! Terrible, terrible girl! Now go eat. I wouldn't want to be held responsible for you dying of starvation or anything.
Oywidapoodles: Heh, thank you! You're so kind. I'll let you in on a little secret… the reason you're addicted to my stories is that I put drugs in the stories, underneath all the words, to make you keep coming back. You're not weird for loving the a/n's! You'd be weird if you DIDN'T, my friend. But I'm bias. I wrote the things. That would be very Outer Limits-y. My sister and I say that all the time. I took billing over Young Frankenstein. I'm honored.
Lukelaiandroryndean: I can't believe you didn't know that was a song! It's such a good song. And I saw you wrote 'Video Killed the Radio Star' on your AIM profile and I started laughing. Ooh, and I remember in omnia paratus!
Lenina Crowne: Too adorable and hilarious? Sorry, I'll try to cut back on that pesky cuteness and humor. Squick. Heh. It was supposed to be a squicky sort of a situation, but not too squicky, which is hopefully how it came across. I mean, I could've made her come in earlier while her bare-chested mom was making out with Luke! I'm NICE! She did have to come home sometime! I know I'm SO spoiled and I love it. But I work for the spoilage! It's because I ask people for long reviews, and then they see the people with long reviews getting rewarded with long shout outs on the fic, and people start leaving longer reviews and more reviews to get appreciated by me and it's just BRAINWASHING! I am proud. That was a satisfactory amount of wittiness, thank you.
And thank you to all the people who reviewed saying 'fishsticks.' That would be LLJunkie (Write me a letter of recommendation for that writing job), spreeaholic1, Krys33 (I would laugh too. In fact, I did.), LukeNlorelaifan, c, Bloomin Daisy, Izzpuppy, anna, sarah, Justmeforever, orangesherbert7 (driver's ed…sounds like a party), scottjunkie, LittleGGLover, and politicaldonkey. Now I told you'd I'd appreciate the fishsticks thing! I never lie. Oh, and by the way, that damaged cherry tree over there? All me. Good old George for taking the heat for me.
Video Killed the Radio Star
Chapter Cinq: Just Press Play, Dammit
The interesting pair entered through the Gilmore front door- Rory, clean and perfect in her date clothes, and Lorelai, with a giant t-shirt and a backwards baseball cap over her messy, tangled hair- with their arms around each other's waists. "And so it didn't matter at all. We just ended up on the same side again."
"I can't believe boys. They can't think without us. What would they do if women didn't exist?"
"Nothing, of course. They'd simply be helpless rodents. Not even rodents. Just little protozoan."
"Ooh, like on Xenon? That famous singer guy?"
"No, as in the bacterial organisms."
"My second guess." Rory was sitting at the kitchen table at this point while Lorelai made coffee.
"I hate this dating thing."
"Well, it gets easier," said Lorelai, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard.
"I guess it's the only way, right?"
"Well, Luke says there's a gut thing. You know, you can tell instantly when you're comfortable around someone."
"Aw, you two crazy kids are already into the deep stuff and you only just got together!"
Lorelai filled the mugs and put them on the table, taking a big sip. "I think it makes sense. Luke said he felt it with me." She attempted to push back the sappy smile growing on her face. "Go with that if all else fails." She stood up. "Hold on."
"Where are you going?"
"Let's just say that when I come back, I'll be one penny short."
"Ah, right," replied Rory knowingly. "Love the spin on colloquial British phrases." Lorelai grinned and disappeared around the wall.
Rory circled the mug with her fingers, feeling the warmth seep through the ceramic into her fingers. She took a big gulp while it was still hot, the coffee burning her tongue. Then there came thumping on the stairs. "Lorelai?" Luke entered the kitchen wearing his tight gray undershirt and unzipped jeans with his blue plaid boxers showing through. "Oh, Rory," he said, nervously zipping up his jeans. "Wh-what are you doing here?"
Rory grinned. "So I heard you and Mom having wild sex upstairs."
"Not one for small talk, huh?" He sighed and sat down. He sat there for a few seconds, twisting his fingers around one another. "Look, Rory-" he started hesitantly.
Rory cut him off. "Luke, it's okay. I don't mind you guys being together. In fact, I think it's great. And even if I didn't, it's your and Mom's choice, not mine. I'm not a little kid anymore. But I happen to approve of the union. I just would rather not be around for the intimate details. There, I said it all. You can now leave without indulging in a large amount of meaningful conversation, which I know you hate."
Luke rose. "Thanks." Then he left the room, a wry half smile on his face.
Rory giggled as Lorelai came in. "What's so funny, honey?"
"Nothin', muffin. Just bonding with your boyfriend."
"Ah, yes, where is that delicious man?" She disappeared, coming back a few seconds later yanking the aforementioned man along, who was now wearing his flannel. Lorelai dragged her hand down the fabric. "Oh, I just love a man in uniform."
They both sat at the table. Lorelai made a face as she drank her coffee. "The java's cold, Rory."
"You guys are drinking coffee? It's 12:30." Stares. "In the morning." Raised eyebrows. "The time one usually sleeps, not hyping up their body with caffeine."
"Point, please?" demanded Lorelai, as she and Rory exchanged bemused glances.
"Why do I bother?" sighed Luke, leaning back in his chair.
"We don't know. We've been trying to make you see the error of your ways for years now," reminded Rory. She tilted back her head and downed the remaining coffee in her mug and stood. "I'm gonna get to bed now. Apparently making chit chat about urine mints to a random guy is pretty exhausting." She bent down and kissed her mom on the cheek, and, then, to their delight, kissed Luke quickly on the cheek too. "Night."
"Night."
"Night, babe."
The door closed and Lorelai turned to Luke. "So. Interesting evening."
"I can't believe Rory heard us," groaned Luke. "God, what a nightmare."
"Oh, relax, she's a big girl. Now, come on. Let's go. I want to do something with you."
"With Rory in the house? No way."
"Not that kind of thing. Boy, a little sex obsessed, aren't we?" Lorelai grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room.
"I seem to recall that we were in the middle of something before we got… in the middle of something else."
"After all this, you still want to finish the movie?" asked Luke, incredulous.
"Of course. Sex is dandy, but there's nothing more satisfying that watching a good movie." He raised his eyebrows at her. "Fine, maybe not, but with Rory here, a movie is the best option. Unless you want to learn how to polka in 7 easy steps. I have a book."
"On second thought, the movie is perfect." They both sat down on the sofa in the same positions as earlier- legs on the table, Luke's arm on the back of the sofa, the blanket over both of them. Lorelai went back to the menu and found where they were before, the girl scouts lying on a smashed table.
Lorelai smiled. "You know, you're allowed to drop that arm now. I won't ninja kick you."
"And you would have before?"
"There is a distinct possibility," said Lorelai. Luke shifted his arm down over her shoulder. "Much better." She turned and pecked Luke quickly on the lips once. Twice. Then she stayed there, her hand rubbing along the stubble of his cheek as they kissed.
"I thought you wanted to watch the movie," said Luke, pulling back a little.
"Movie?" questioned Lorelai, sucking on his ear.
"Yeah, movie… you know, moving pictures… in a particular order… that make a story. Or something amusing to watch." The words evaded him as Lorelai nibbled on his ear.
"Doesn't seem familiar."
"Actors… directors… cameras… scripts… ridiculously large salaries… box office…" He took a breath, the feeling of Lorelai's tongue in his ear slightly distracting. "Planes crashing into windows… people playing the piano... Elaine…"
Lorelai pulled back with a gasp. "You're taking about another woman while we kiss? Who is this Elaine?"
Luke sighed. "Forget it. Carry on."
"Carry on? Romantic," said Lorelai. "You've turned me off now. You're too late."
"Aw, come on."
"Sorry. The plane has flown and you weren't on it. You're at the bus stop but the bus left without you. The match you're attempting to light is underwater. Now we have to watch the movie."
"Ah, so you've heard of those before."
Lorelai rested her head on his shoulder, snuggling into his side, and pressed play.
A few seconds later, the movie paused and Lorelai's voice came. "Luke?"
"I knew you couldn't go for so long without talking."
"Will you go on a date with me?" She sounded nervous.
Luke was surprised, silent for a few seconds. Then he spoke. "I never thought I'd see the day where you asked me that."
"Offer an answer, please, you make a girl nervous when you answer a yes or no question with a cryptic and wordy response."
Luke smiled and kissed her head quickly. "Yes, Lorelai, I will go on a date with you." He savored the feel of the words in his mouth.
"Well. Good." Lorelai scratched his thigh with her hand and pressed play again- then pause again very suddenly.
"What now?" asked Luke, exasperated lightly (but not much, due to the fact that Lorelai Gilmore had just asked him out).
"Is my hand allowed to be here now?"
Luke smiled. Geez, he was doing that a lot tonight. "I insist upon it."
Lorelai grinned. "I was hoping that was the new answer." She slid her hand towards the inseam and pressed play on the remote again. No, not dirty.
They watched the movie in silence for a few minutes. As Elaine danced with a dying sailor, Lorelai paused the movie again.
"Do you want me to take that remote away from you?"
Lorelai grinned. "Hands off, buddy. I can't watch anything without having control over the remote."
"So you can stop the movie every five seconds for no apparent reason, just to annoy me?"
"No. I have something to say. Though the irritating you is a bonus."
"What do you want to say, Lorelai?" said Luke with a sigh.
"This is nice."
"This as in the movie?"
"This as in this. Us," replied Lorelai, motioning between them,
Luke internally scolded himself as yet another goofy smile appeared on his face. Lorelai mirrored his grin and pressed play again. A second later, Luke reached over to Lorelai's hand and pressed pause. "Lorelai?"
Lorelai turned with an enraged look on her face. "Luke! I am attempting to watch a movie. You are now officially interrupting my movie watching flow."
"This is nice," he admitted gruffly.
Lorelai smiled up at him, eyes glowing, and settled into his side. "I'm glad we agree."
So, there ya have it, folks. Fic number three brought to an end. I know there will be a lot of tears shed, but don't fret, dearies. I might be back. Either a short fic in the next twelve days, or some one shots. Or a whole lot of nothing until the end of August. Don't be shy about leaving reviews even though that the story's over, I appreciate them just as much as any other review, perhaps even more. And you'll get rewarded, I transfer shout outs from fic to fic. And it seems I was wrong about the statistics… it's not even 26, which is terrible. It's more like 3.8! Even sadder! (Thank you, Egbert.) So drop a line for every fic you read. We still love fishsticks. Say fishsticks to some other random writer. They won't understand. All the better. We like confusing people, don't we. Yes. We do. Anyways, fishsticks or not, I must be going. Try not to miss me too dreadfully. Oh, what the heck, miss me as much as you want.