Chapter 12: Don't Go

Sasuke was at a loss for words. He hadn't thought about what to say when he had burst into Kakashi's apartment. When he had seen his former sensei kissing his wife, all he had wanted was to get her out of there. After all, she was still his wife.

He looked at her. She was standing against the wall with a defiant expression on her face, daring him to say something. Sasuke cleared his throat and calmly spoke, "I saw you crying in the woods. Are you that unhappy with me?"

"N-no!" she stammered, obviously surprised by his question. "I don't know… it's hard to answer this, Sasuke."

"You were smiling at him," he said abruptly.

"What?"

"Ever since we were married, you haven't smiled like that, Sakura." She stared at him in surprise, but didn't say anything. Sasuke hadn't realized it until he had spoken those words out loud. With his cold demeanor Sasuke had destroyed her smile. Somehow that thought saddened him. He reached out to brush some strands of her pink tresses from her face. "I liked your smile," he said honestly and her eyes widened. He pulled back his hand. "I realized that when I saw you with him. He made you smile and he made you laugh. All I ever did was make you cry. I realized that I was not good for you."

Finally she managed to speak. "What… what are you saying, Sasuke?"

He had thought about it for a long time, and actually had decided otherwise. But now the words just flew out from his lips and he couldn't stop himself. "You're free, Sakura. I'll leave the village so you can be happy again."

"S-Sasuke, no…"

He shrugged as if it were nothing to him. "I tricked you into this marriage. I asked impossible things of you and yet you kept your promise. I appreciate that, but what I did wasn't right. I was using you from the very beginning. I want to make it up to you. Stay in the apartment for as long as you want. I won't come back for a while." He turned around, facing the door.

As he reached for the doorknob, she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed herself against him from behind. "Wait, Sasuke-kun," she said and rested her cheek between his shoulder blades. He could feel the warmth of her breath caressing the back of his neck. "I've made peace with the fact that you don't love me. But I still do, even though I don't know why. You just proved to me, that I was right about you. You have a good heart. I want to stay with you. I want to fulfill your dreams."

For the first time in an eternity something touched his heart. He felt unshed tears burning in his eyes and his hands were trembling. He longed to take her into his arms. Finally, he understood how she felt. Perhaps in time, he'd be able to return these feelings. He bowed his head and whispered, "Thank you, Sakura."

She softly placed a kiss at the base of his neck and then released her embrace. "I want to move in with you again, Sasuke." When he turned around, she was smiling. It was a beautiful sight and it was only for him.

Something came to his mind and he reached into his pocket. "Uh, Sakura…" He wiped it off on his pants and handed it to her. Sakura stared at the item, stunned.

"My wedding ring! Where did you find it?", she exclaimed.

He avoided her gaze. He hadn't planned to confess that he had climbed down to the river embankment to search for the ring. Glancing over his disheveled appearance and dirt caked sandals, it was easy to guess that he had sifted through the mud to locate the missing gold band. "Uhm… you have it back, that's what you wanted, right?", he mumbled.

She put the ring back on. "Thank you very much, Sasuke-kun." Before the silence could get uncomfortable, Sakura added, "I suppose I should call Kakashi and tell him not to worry." He watched her silently as she went over to the telephone.

He was well aware that she no longer called Kakashi "sensei". Sasuke hated the fact that she allowed him to kiss her. There was a stinging pain in his chest, an emotion he could not quite place yet. In any case he decided to keep Sakura away from Kakashi from now on. After all, adultery wasn't part of his plan. The plan… Sasuke shook his head. He had almost ruined his own plan. What was he thinking? Since when was something as useless as "her smile" more important to him than his own future?

Annoyed he retreated into their bedroom and undressed, while Sakura called that man. Sasuke wasn't sure why he suddenly disliked Kakashi so much, but he didn't take it as a good sign. He wouldn't get too attached to Sakura either. It was dangerous. When she finally came back, he suppressed the urge to ask what had taken her so long.

Sakura changed into her nightgown and crawled under the sheets, snuggling into the warmth of her husband. When she was comfortable, she reached for his hand and entwined her fingers with his. He resisted the urge to pull away. "I'm so sorry that I kissed him," she whispered, "It wasn't about him. I was just… looking for…" she paused, choosing her words carefully, "Warmth. Compassion. Something tangible, you rarely showed me."

"Hn." He squeezed her hand slightly while his other hand reached for the ring he always wore on a necklace. Sakura was much stronger than he'd thought. But nevertheless, it had been a mistake to stay. She wouldn't be able to bear with this forever. His wish to rebuild the clan was stronger than the faint awareness that he'd made her unhappy.

O

It was dark and at first he was unaware where he was. His own scream was still ringing in his ears and he doubled over. He felt the blanket beneath his fingers and he inhaled the familiar scent of fresh linen. He was at home, in his bed. Safe. It had been just a dream, the recurring nighmare that tormented him every single evening.

The lights were switched on and he closed his eyes tightly. "Sasuke-kun? Are you alright?", he heard her say. Sakura. He had completely forgotten about her. She was here. She was still here. She came closer and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Like a wounded animal he flinched and hissed "Don't touch me!"

Startled, she pulled back and stared at him wide-eyed. He breathed in and out a few times, until he had somewhat calmed down. But he still wasn't able to get rid of those images from the dream. The darkness and those voices, which kept telling him that he was a murderer and that it was his entire fault.

Sasuke turned his head to look at her. She was here. She was alive. She was oblivious of the pain he was in. She didn't know what he was going through. How could she? And yet he despised her at that moment for everything she had and for everything that he had been refused; for her ignorance, her innocence, her purity. She had never witnessed the murder of a loved one. How could she try to understand what he was going through? She couldn't.

"What's wrong with you, Sasuke?", she asked sadly. "You wake up screaming almost every night and then you always look at me like that… what's going on?"

"Nothing," he said calmly. Nothing you could even remotely understand. He pushed away the blanket and got up. Angrily he slammed the door and stood in the living room.

Why was she still here? Why had she stopped him when he'd tried to leave her? He hated her and yet somehow he couldn't be without her any more. Why was she still there looking at him with those big, green eyes of hers, as if she could find the answers to her questions in his eyes? Why did she have everything when he had nothing? Why were the dreams still haunting him even though he was about to rebuild the clan? WHY?!

In his frustration Sasuke reached for the first thing in arm's reach, a glass vase, and threw it against the wall with all his strength.  The vase shattered, spraying a mist of glass and water on the floor. He had put so much force into the throw that he stumbled forward and fell to his knees.

He closed his eyes in despair, instantly seeing an image of his brother. Sasuke's fingers closed around the kunai he kept with him even in sleep and pulled it out of the holster. Was he still alive? He, the only one who had survived the massacre of the Uchiha clan? It seemed like he was unable to feel anything at all.

When the blade of the knife dug deeply into the flesh of his left arm, he suppressed a scream. Blood, Uchiha blood, was dripping from the fresh wound on his arm and onto the carpet. The blood flowing in his veins and the pain was proof of his existence.

Angrily he pulled the kunai out of the gash and threw it across the room. I'm still alive! I'm alive! His fist hit the ground, hard. Then why don't I feel alive? Why can't SHE even help me?

O

In the bedroom, Sakura was pressed against the door, where she had listened to his outburst quietly. For what seemed like an eternity, she didn't dare to leave the room.

When she heard nothing for a long time, she gathered her courage and carefully opened the door. Sasuke was sitting in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the ground with blood running down his arm. She looked around the room. There was a wet spot on the wall where Sasuke had thrown the vase against it.

Sakura felt utterly helpless. She didn't understand what was wrong with Sasuke. She left the room to get a towel and some bandages. Without saying a word because she was afraid it might enrage him again, she knelt down next to him. He raised his head to look at her blankly. "Forgive me," he muttered without really meaning it. She wrapped the makeshift bandages around the wound.

"Come back to bed," she said. "I will not ask any questions."

He nodded and stood up. She stared at the pieces of broken vase and decided that she would clean that up tomorrow. Sakura followed Sasuke to the bedroom and sat down beside him. He seemed confused, unsettled even. But she was shaken as well. Was he the same man who had told her he liked her smile just a few hours ago? Who had been ready to leave the village for her? Every now and then he allowed her to see how agonizing his existence really was. She saw his pain, his guilt, and his anger; it scared her. It hurt her that she was unable to help him; she couldn't bear to see him like this. And she didn't understand.

Was the way he acted normal? Was HE still normal?

As if he had read her thoughts, he looked at her and said, "I didn't want you to see me like that." She wasn't sure if he really meant it or if it was just another empty apology.

Shyly, she placed her hand on his right arm. When he didn't back away from the light touch, she wrapped her arms around his neck and embraced him. "I wish I could help you somehow, Sasuke-kun," she whispered. Until just now, she thought that with his words earlier he had saved their relationship. Sakura realized they were breaking apart; it was obvious to her now. With all her heart, she wanted to help him, but she couldn't.  Sakura feared that over time she'd start to hate him or he would pull her into his personal hell, where there was no happiness, only emptiness. Maybe today was not a new start, but the beginning of the end.

Kakashi was right. Sasuke would never be happy, not even a family would bring him any happiness. Sakura pulled away, but her hands remained loosely on his shoulders. She looked at the man she loved and decided to leave him if things didn't get better. She tenderly kissed him on the lips and he let it happen without a reaction. For her, at that moment, it was not a way to express her love but more of an apology for not being able to help him.

Sakura attempted to lie back down, but when her hands left his shoulders, he placed an arm around her waist. She gave him a puzzled look, but then gave in once more and leaned against his chest. Why couldn't it always be like this? She closed her eyes and enjoyed this precious moment of serenity. Even though the room was still illuminated brightly and the thoughts of breaking up with him tormented her, she fell asleep in his arms.

O

"Try to attack me," Sakura told her pupils and smiled. Five young shinobi in training had gathered around her. They were in their last year at the academy and she had volunteered to practice with them. "I want you to show me what you've learned." She had brought them to the place where Kakashi had held his weird exam with the bells years ago. Of course, Sakura's pupils were not ready for that yet, but she wanted to see which of them would be able to use what they had learned at the academy in a real fight scenario. She stared at them seriously and said, "Okay, let's begin. Hide somewhere and try to hit me."

All of them disappeared into the forest and Sakura remained in the middle of the clearing. She didn't have to wait for long. A series of shuriken were thrown at her and she closed her eyes to hear where they were coming from. At the very last moment, she dodged them. She could already hear footsteps as one of the kids was running towards her. When the child was close enough, he/she tried to hit her with a kunai. Sakura blocked the attack effortlessly and brought the adolescent out of reach with a light kick. This was just how Sasuke, Naruto and she had reacted back then. They, too, had attacked on their own instead of trying to work as a team.

"If you attack me directly, you have no chance!", she chastised her students. "I thought I taught you that a good fight needs good tactics. We know that I'm stronger than you. That's why you need to find an advantage to use against me!" She was hoping they'd understand what she meant.

She sensed someone coming, but this time it was different. She couldn't tell, where they were coming from. Strange. Was one of her pupils that good at hiding their presence yet? She searched the area, until she noticed movement from the corner of her eye. Someone was standing right behind her. Incredible! This couldn't be one of her pupils. She spun around, ready to block an attack… and gasped in shock.

Standing solemnly in front of her with his backpack in hand was her husband. "Sasuke!", she yelled. "God, you scared me!"

"You should take your own advice and take care of your defense. I could have killed you easily."

She frowned at him. "They're just kids, there's no need to be so serious with them yet. So, what do you want? You better get out of the way before they attack you too."

"I was assigned to an important mission," he explained. "The leader will be Hyuga Neji." She nodded, although she wasn't sure why he was telling her this. "We're about to leave. The mission is…" He stopped mid-sentence and raised his head, as if he sensed something. Then Sakura heard it too. The sound of shuriken. Sakura attempted to dodge them, but when she looked into his eyes, she realized that while she was with him she had nothing to fear. The shuriken came flying at them and instead of dodging the projectiles; Sasuke raised a hand and caught all three. He stared at where they had come from and said, "You should teach those kids not to mess with an Anbu." He carelessly threw the shuriken back and a scared shriek came from the hiding place. Before Sakura could start to worry, Sasuke spoke, "Well, if you get the chance, you should release your pupil from the tree."

"We should talk elsewhere, the kids…."

"I don't have time for that, Sakura. Just listen to me for a second," he said and she could tell that it was important to him. "This mission is dangerous. I'll be gone for some time. If something happens to us, the village might be in danger too. If that happens, I want you to be extremely careful. Never leave the village and stay close to Naruto. He'll keep you safe until everything's over." She wanted to say something but he grabbed her by the shoulders and placed a kiss on her lips. "I just wanted to say goodbye."

Sakura was at a loss of words, before she could bring herself to say something, two of the kids broke out from the bushes and launched themselves at Sakura and Sasuke. Before they could even come close to the couple, Sasuke created visible chakra around himself. The young shinobi were thrown backwards without having the chance to even touch Sasuke. Sakura realized the gap between herself and her husband. He didn't even have to avoid an attack. He had indeed become strong and that thought made her feel a little better. Maybe that was the reason why he had come here all along. Perhaps he wanted to show her that there was no reason to worry. He let go of her and she said, "Come back safely."

"Don't worry," he replied and disappeared as quietly as he had arrived.

Still a little shaken, Sakura walked over to her pupils to help them up. "Damn, what was that?!", one of them hissed.

Sakura smiled proudly. "That was the true power of a shinobi. He's a Jounin and Uchiha. Maybe it's good that you saw what someone like him can do. You must never underestimate the enemy."

"Shit," the other one muttered. "We should go and help Mina-chan… she was pinned against a tree with her own shuriken…"

O

His team was already waiting for him when Sasuke returned to the meeting point. "Okay, we're complete," Neji said. They were all holding their masks in their hands. "You know what expects us this time." The others nodded. Neji looked at Sasuke, "Are you ready, too?"

He just nodded. One of his teammates asked, "Have you said goodbye to your wife?"

"Why should I?", he said defiantly. His private life was none of their business.

"You know very well that this is a suicide mission. Chances are, that some of us are going to die."

Indifferently, Sasuke put on his mask. "I don't think we have the time for this. Neji?"

Neji nodded. The others put on their masks as well and Neji, the head of the team, started to move. Sasuke HAD said goodbye to Sakura, just in case. He had warned her, because he knew it would get dangerous for the village if they didn't succeed in this mission. However, he didn't plan to get himself killed.

Uchiha Sasuke was not going to see Konoha again for a long time.

...tbc...

Well, some words for now. I DO know where this story is heading. I can't do any better than that, though I appreciate the critics I received, I don't know what to do better. I WILL explain why Sasuke acts the way he does, LATER. A good story needs some time. so for god's sake try to wait until chapter 15.

BTW I finally found a beta-reader and I'm sooo glad! I like this chapter a lot, especially with the changes my beta-reader made! Thanks to EmberMaxximus for making this chapter so much better!!!