Chapter 15: It Wasn't Your Fault

Sakura felt different when she woke up.  At first she couldn't believe that she really was awake. She was warm and safe, it felt like a dream. The unmistakable scent of her first love was in the air. His hand gently rested on her head and he was softly stroking her cheek. There was an unfamiliar sound that she couldn't quite place yet, but it was comforting. Sakura realized that it was the lull of Sasuke's heartbeat.

In her confusion, she sat up. The hand that had been caressing her pulled back. Sakura's intentions had been to stay awake and take care of Sasuke, but she hadn't slept much lately. She looked at him, he was still sitting in their bed like before and she could easily tell that he had not found any sleep.

"Forgive me," she said shyly. He stared at her questioningly with his obsidian eyes. "I must have fallen asleep… I wanted to be here for you…" She took a quick glance out of the window and guessed that she had slept for about two hours or maybe three.

She wasn't sure if she was really awake. There was still the memory of his loving caress. Did that really happen? She had just fallen asleep, which was no surprise after what she had gone through, but she was shocked that he hadn't woken her. Now that she thought about it, his steady heartbeat had followed her to her dreams.

At least he was not trembling anymore. She wanted to feel his forehead for fever and when she did, a blanket she hadn't noticed slipped from her shoulders. She didn't remember getting a blanket for herself. All of this was strangely… surreal. She felt his forehead and was relieved to see that his temperature had gotten a lot better. His skin didn't feel as hot as before, but his complexion remained pale.

Sasuke tugged on her black shirt. "What were you up to?", he asked. She tried to think of something to say, but he was no fool. He wouldn't fall for any excuses. "Were you going to leave the village?"

"I wanted to go look for you," she answered honestly. A flash of pain crossed his features and she didn't understand why. "Sasuke… what happened to you while you were gone?"

He pressed his lips together, almost as if he wanted to stop himself from saying something she wasn't supposed to hear.

"Sasuke, please. Talk to me," she pleaded. "You were… scared, when you came here, weren't you? Scared of what?" His head turned to the side and he stared stubbornly at the wall. She traced a finger along a particularly long scar on his arm and asked: "They tortured you, didn't they? You and your teammate."

He nodded hesitantly. She didn't know what to do. Maybe it wasn't good to bring back these memories. But Sakura believed that Sasuke needed to talk about his experience. He couldn't just lock up his feelings inside himself. It wasn't healthy for him. She bit her lower lip and still wondered whether she should continue asking him these questions, when he calmly said: "I killed them."

"What?! Who?"

"The people… who had captured us." His fingers grabbed the blanket. "I used the curse to kill them all. When I came back to my senses, they were dead."

Hesitantly, she took his hand into hers and undid his grip on the sheets. "It's okay, Sasuke. You had to kill them to save your life and the life of your teammate!"

"No!", he yelled angrily. "I swore to myself that I would never use Orochimaru's power again! You saw for yourself what I become when it takes control!"

"If you came back to me thanks to that curse, then I am grateful that it exists," she said and she meant every word of it.

His head raised abruptly and he stared at her hatefully. "You have no idea what you're talking about!" He pulled his hand from her grip. Sakura felt that they had reached a crucial moment. If she continued to ask him questions now, the bond that still connected them might break. She couldn't stand those hateful eyes. But she also realized that he did not hate HER.

She decided to risk everything and took his hand once more. He tried to pull away, but she refused to let go. She was prepared for a rude reaction, she even expected him to push her away forcefully, when she bravely demanded: "Then explain it. Tell me what happened."

Depressing silence filled the room. She returned his gaze; his black eyes seemed to stare directly into her soul. Maybe it was her determination that made him talk at last. "Itachi…" It was just one word, but for her it meant the world.

Sasuke tentatively began to speak. "I used the curse to kill my brother." He pressed her hand and muttered: "I dream about how I killed him every single night. How my hand is resting on his chest and there is blood everywhere… my brother's blood…" He looked away, his eyes dull once again. "He did not fight back, Sakura."

"W-what?"

"He wanted me to kill him." She couldn't believe her ears. She had never met Itachi but from what she had heard, she wouldn't have imagined his death to be like that. Still, Sasuke said: "He provoked me. That's why he always said those things and made me relive my parents' deaths over and over again. All the time… all the fucking time he just wanted me to kill him. He was… smiling… when the curse spread over my body and I prepared for the final blow."

"But… why?", Sakura whispered, shocked. "Why, Sasuke?"

"He said, he killed our parents to set us free… to set ME free…", Sasuke stammered. "He said that they hated us; they feared us, because of our strength. I couldn't, no, I didn't WANT to believe it. I killed him! He just stood there and when I came at him, he made no attempt to dodge my chidori…" Sasuke fought hard to regain his composure. It took a while until he was able to go on. "My hand was still on his… his chest… he… was smiling at me and he said that he couldn't forgive himself for killing them. For what he put me through. He said, all these years, he had just waited for me to grow up and kill him. I was supposed to be the one to punish him." He doubled over and angry tears dripped down his face and onto the bedsheets.

Sakura's hands were trembling. She couldn't imagine what Sasuke must have gone through. It was a tragedy when he lost his parents. His own brother had killed them and no one could tell what it did to his soul. But to imagine that, in the end, he'd had to discover that his brother had regretted his actions, and after lethally wounding him… she just couldn't imagine it. But there was no longer the question, why his "revenge" had destroyed Sasuke. "Oh god, Sasuke…", she whispered and started to cry too. She embraced him and this time he did not push her away. He buried his face on her chest and fought the tears that kept coming anyways.

"I killed my brother. He killed our parents but I killed HIM! I killed my own brother. How… how could he do this to me?" His hands continued to tremble even as he held onto Sakura's shirt helplessly.

Sakura pulled him closer to herself and whispered: "You had no choice, Sasuke. You did him a favor, believe me. If he has been waiting for death all those years… it must have been horrible for him too. He loved you, in his own twisted way. You did the right thing. It's not your fault, none of it is your fault."

When he heard these words, something within him seemed break. Repressed feelings broke to the surface and he no longer held back the tears. Sasuke was simply crying and Sakura realized that he just needed to hear these words. That it wasn't his fault.

She waited patiently for him to calm down. And when he did, he finally found the sleep he had needed so badly. He fell asleep in her arms. It was the first time he slept without any nightmares in years.

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Two days after Sasuke had returned to the village, he came to the fifth Hokage's office with Sakura. Tsunade was rather surprised to see him. Even though she couldn't quite put a finger on it, something about the two seemed different. Sasuke was still wearing the usual blank expression on his face, and much to Tsunade's dismay, Sakura somehow had adapted that characteristic. She wasn't able to read the pink haired girl's face either. But what was remarkable was that both of them entered the office next to each other, instead of Sakura following Sasuke who usually wouldn't adjust his pace to hers.

"Sasuke, it's good to see you recovered so fast," she said cheerfully. "So, how do you feel?"

"Good," he replied briefly. "But that's not why I came here." He stared directly into the Hokage's eyes and once again she got the feeling that something was different about him. "I want to report you what happened back then when I beat Itachi." Tsunade couldn't believe her ears. Sasuke had always strictly refused to talk about that day. A smirk was playing on his lips when he cast Sakura a quick look. "And then I want you to seal up that curse once and for all." Sakura was still standing next to him, smiling proudly.

...tbc...

Actually I wanted to end the story here (has a LOT more chapters in german but, well, from now on it gets a little corny and fluffy and everything... and since english readers are a lot more critical than german ones... well.. naah...), but I feel that there's a need for an epilogue (actually, my beta-reader said so and I completely agree). But I haven't even written the epilogue in GERMAN, let alone translated it so this may take a while. Please be patient, I can't write under pressure at all.

Well, apart from that I wanna say that FFnet stinks. I wasn't able to upload the new chapters sooner, they banned one of my stories ('save me'). Isn't cencorship just SUCH a wonderful thing? makes me thankful that I live in germany where I can upload whatever smut or lemon I want without anyone complaining... muahaha! Ok, I'm gonna be quiet before I say something stupid that'll get me banned from FFnet and makes all americans out there angry at me as well...

What happened to freedom of speech?!