Ch 4

Sarah

As I sit here, staring at the television but not watching it, I try to remember when I lost my dreams. I used to have ambitions, hopes, dreams, but somewhere along the way I seem to have lost them, and I didn't realize it until now. But now it's clear to me why my life is so dull, so meaningless; I have no hope anymore of making my life better. My dreams are gone.

Oh, how I used to dream when I was young! Daydreams and fantasies filled my days, and suddenly, I long for those days, when I was so innocent and full of hope. What has happened to me?

I don't want to answer that question, but my mind spits out the answer anyway. You fell in love. But that's foolish, I tell myself. How can falling in love put an end to my dreams? Unfortunately, my mind knows the answer to that question as well. You tried to shut your dreams away. That doesn't make sense, I try to tell myself. But deep down, I understand that it does.

When I realized I loved him, I did my best to put him out of my mind, although I admit that I failed dismally. He was my dream, my fantasy; for thirteen hours, fantasy had become reality. But I forced myself to put my dreams away, to hate him. I had spent so much energy hating him that I failed to dream any longer, perhaps for fear that dreams would hurt me as they had done in the past. I realize now that my downward spiral had begun the moment I left him.

So I sit here thinking of life and love and dreams, and my lack of all three. I am startled by a tapping at my window, and even more startled to see a lovely white owl perched outside my window, staring at me, hypnotizing me with its deep, mesmerizing eyes.

An idea approaches my mind, and I immediately dismiss it. No, this is just an ordinary owl, although what a coincidence it shows up as I am thinking of another owl! My foolishness is almost laughable. He will never come to you, Sarah.

But my mind is betraying me, and I lose my trust in the rationality of my mind as the owl is gone and the man appears before me. Although I never expected him to come, I am not surprised to see him. Part of me feels as though I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. He is silent, watching me, and I am aware that I am staring at him but there is nothing I can do to stop it. .

His eyes are like magnets; it is hard to tear my gaze away from him. I explore the face I had pictured so often, and discover that I had not glorified him in my mind, for the man standing before me possesses an ethereal beauty that my mind can barely comprehend, let alone display.

I feel something stirring inside me, and I struggle to push it down. But this feeling I haven't felt in so long refuses to be pushed aside, and against my will, hope emerges. Hope that he has come for me, hope that I can allow my dreams to surface, hope that he is as drawn to me as I am to him.

I stare into his eyes as he stares into my eyes, both of us waiting but not knowing what for. I feel my heart ache and my hope fade as I see a cold emptiness in his eyes. Oh, you fool, I tell myself, did you expect him to fall to his knees before you and profess his undying love?

I am almost fearful of the look in his eyes, those strange, beautiful mismatched eyes. I struggle to understand what his eyes are silently telling me, but I can't. He is a book I cannot read, no matter how hard I try.

He steps closer to me and I am scared, for his eyes are glittering so ferociously I have to look away. What is he thinking, what is he doing, what does he want with me?

He continues to step closer and I am frozen, unable to move, and then he is in front of me, only inches away from me, and then he is kissing me, kissing me so hard it hurts.

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