Ch 6

Sarah

I stand at the window, looking after him long after he is gone. Finally I return to my spot on the couch and try to calm my frantic heart. My mind whirls as I try to comprehend what had just happened. I touch a finger to my lips, still swollen from his kiss. He kissed me. Why? I ponder this question endlessly, coming up with no answer to satisfy me.

Would he kiss me if he did not love me? That is the question whose answer I fear most. Could he love me? No, you stupid girl, you rejected him, how could he love you? I try to push that thought aside as I remember the look in his eyes before he left. I could have sworn I saw true emotion in those strange, beautiful eyes. If I didn't know better, I would say I saw love in his eyes.

But I do know better. He could never love me. I do not know what he was doing here, why he came, why he kissed me. Perhaps I will never know, perhaps I'll be doomed to never see him again and be left with these damnable questions in my head. Perhaps he was simply playing with me, how am I to know? Oh, if only I'd spoken up when I had the chance! But how could I, with his eyes staring into mine, hypnotizing me. What could I have done but nothing?

I close my eyes in frustration. These questions are getting me nowhere. I decide to simply go to bed and allow the night to work its magic, hoping it brings clarity and resolution to my situation.

But as I lie here in bed, sleep is not coming easy. I cannot let go of the thoughts that continue to make themselves known to me. He must love you, why else would he come? But then why would he leave? Why didn't he speak to you? Why didn't you speak to him? And the kiss. I welcomed any thought into my mind, except thoughts of that kiss. Thinking of that kiss would send my mind into a tailspin of emotional destruction. I know I cannot handle thinking of that for now, so I choose to set it aside.

Oh, but how stupid of me. Everyone knows that when you try to set something aside in your mind, it is always the first thing to appear. I sigh, damning my mind for doing this to me. I lie here, trying to will sleep to come, but all I can do is picture him in my mind, picture him as he was kissing me. What did it mean? I fear I may never know. But as my mind is running through every possible meaning for that kiss, I finally, slowly drift into a restless sleep.

Now it is morning, and I don't bother to get up. I continue to lie here in bed, because there is no point in getting up. My dreams had been filled with him, some nightmares, but some good. I curse the fact that morning had brought with it no new insight, just the same questions running around and around my head.

I fear I may go mad if I allow this to continue. I thought I was obsessed before! That was nothing until now. Obsession is frightening, and I do not want to be obsessed with him. How can I get him out of my mind? What am I supposed to do?

I curse my loss of ambition. If there was still ambition, the ability to dream, left in me, I would be okay. I would get out of bed and force myself to do…something, anything but lie here and wallow in self-pity. But I have no ambition, he has taken that with him, and I don't know if I will ever have it back.

I know that the only way to clear my head is to see him again. Only he can give me the answers I crave. But if seeing him once has done this to me, what will seeing him again do? I shudder to think, but I believe I have no choice. I need answers, I need resolution, and so, before I lose my nerve, I call him. I need to tell him the truth.

"Jareth."