Chapter 26: Yearning
Sakura was sitting on the small bed; her arms were wrapped tightly around her pillow. She had been crying all day and Ino had decided it would be better to leave her alone until now. Hours had passed and Ino was starting to worry, so she went into the room and sat down beside her sad friend.
"Sakura, stop tormenting yourself. You can't go on like that," she said carefully.
"Leave me alone," Sakura sobbed and buried her face into the pillow.
"You've been alone for too long already," Ino replied and placed an arm around her friend. "Please. Tell me what happened."
Sakura shook her head and wiped her face with the back of her hand. Nevertheless, she said, "I can't… have children…" she stammered, "I told him."
"He threw you out?" Ino cried. She would have never thought that someone even as cold as Sasuke would do something so cruel.
Ino was already thinking about who she could to hire to kill Sasuke, when Sakura said, "No. I left."
"What!"
"I've become useless to him. I can't help him any more."
"What are you talking about?"
Sakura cried out in frustration. "He only married me because he wanted to have kids to rebuild the Uchiha clan."
Ino was shocked. "I… I didn't know…" The entire village had known about how cold Sasuke had treated his wife, but she would have never guessed that this was the only reason why they had married. That was… so cruel. Sasuke was a cold-hearted bastard. Sakura didn't deserve to be treated like that. "He doesn't deserve you! It's good, that you got rid of him!"
"I would have thought so too," Sakura sobbed and then told Ino an unusual story about a mission during which Sasuke and Sakura had been separated from the rest of the team and had spent a night alone in some room. "He was so caring and sweet. I really thought he cared for me. And I was stupid enough to fall in love with him AGAIN!"
"If you're still in love with him, then why did you leave him? Did you even give him a chance to say something about this?"
"No. I didn't want him to throw me out," Sakura stammered. "I wanted to leave with him before he could leave me." She pressed her forehead against the pillow and said, "It hurts so much."
"Sakura… I promise, everything will be okay. Somehow, everything is going to be alright," Ino said and hugged her friend.
For nearly five minutes, someone was knocking against Sasuke's door, but he didn't open. He was sitting on the window sill and staring outside, lost deeply in thought. Naruto was outside, yelling, "OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW, SASUKE!" He didn't really feel like talking to anyone right now, let alone Naruto.
Sasuke hadn't had the time to think about what had happened. He hadn't found any sleep that night and since sunrise he was sitting here, brooding without having found any way out yet. Lost in thought, he played with his silver wedding band, the counterpart to the one he was wearing on a silver necklace; Sakura's wedding ring. He had found her wedding ring in the mail box this morning. It had hurt, when he had found it without any message from her.
It had all been overwhelming. What Sakura had told him was a tragedy. If she really couldn't have his children, then there was actually really only one solution, and that was to find another woman. He didn't care what the villagers might think about him. What he wanted was to revive the clan. But there was also something else. Sakura. He couldn't imagine waking up next to someone other than her. He loved her. But was that enough to give up his dream? If he stayed with her, the clan would die with him. He had to decide between the clan and Sakura. How was he supposed to make such a decision?
For hours, Sasuke been racking his brain, but he couldn't find an answer.
And there was also something else. Tsunade had visited him yesterday. As expected, the bodies of the assassins found in his apartment were Orochimaru's subordinates. They had worn the typical Sand-nin clothes and forehead protectors though, if Sakura hadn't killed them, it all would have looked like an attack from the Sand. Sasuke knew why Orochimaru did this. If they had succeeded in killing Sakura, Sasuke would have had a target for his hatred once again. And since he wouldn't have suspected Orochimaru at all, that would have directly led him to the Sannin in search for more power. Just like back then.
Orochimaru, that back-stabbing bastard was responsible for all of this. He had done this to Sakura, mutilated her and in doing so, he had taken away their chance to be happy. Sasuke hated Orochimaru almost as much as he had hated his brother. His nails dug deeply into his flesh and the pain and the promise he had given Sakura were all that kept him from leaving the village right then and killing the Sannin with his bare hands.
But he couldn't even take revenge if he wanted to keep his promise to her. Orochimaru had ruined everything and now all he could do was sit here and think about the whole situation. Sakura was still in danger, and so was he.
The unnerving knocking on the door had stopped and Sasuke leaned his forehead against the window. What now? What was he supposed to do now?
"Forgive me," the hoarse voice said and then there was this incredible pain shooting through her body. Sakura tried to scream but she couldn't. She broke down, pressing her hands against her stomach. She felt the blood pouring out between her fingers. Why… why was this happening to her?
She heard footsteps and when she raised her head, a woman stared down at her with cold eyes. Sakura realized that the woman was going to kill her. Two people, she thought to herself, the woman and behind me, a man. She watched as the woman pulled out a kunai. If she didn't do something, she was going to be killed.
Sasuke!
No! She wasn't going to die here! She jumped up, ignoring that pain that felt like her insides were torn apart, and grabbed the woman's kunai. Her opponent was too surprised to react, Sakura felt the cold metal in her fingers and without thinking, she stabbed it right into the woman's chest. She heard the man behind her scream and then the woman fell to the floor with a thud.
Sakura turned around and ran to the bedroom. It was dark and she was in so much pain, she felt like fainting. He was following her, she could hear his footsteps, and then he was in the room, trying to grab her, to hurt her. She tried to scream but she couldn't, she ripped her arm from his grip but fell backwards against the wall. His kunai was still dripping with her blood and he was coming closer. I can't leave Sasuke alone! I can't die here! And then she was screaming, everything was a blur. She didn't even realize she had used a jutsu, before she saw the man flying backwards and landing on the bed. She didn't know if he was dead or not, panicking she backed away from him until she was sitting in the corner beneath the vanity table. He didn't move. Sakura felt tears rolling down her cheeks. She was so scared and it hurt so much…
Suddenly, Sasuke was there. He was pulling her out from beneath the table. Tears were streaming down his face. He was crying…
With a start, Sakura awoke. Damn these dreams. She had this nightmare every night and it always scared her deeply. She reached for the pillow and hugged it tightly. Sasuke… thinking of him hurt, but she couldn't keep crying forever. She had to accept that she had lost Sasuke. Because she had been too weak to defend herself.
Ino wasn't at home, she had said something about getting something from the flower store and Shikamaru was still out on a mission. Sakura had the small apartment all to herself. Although, at the moment she didn't feel like being alone. Sasuke… Was there really no other way? Tsunade said that there was still a slight chance that she might be able to concieve. But that didn't really matter. She had thought that Sasuke's feelings for her had changed. When he had found her, bleeding and crying, he had held her in his arms and told her that he loved her. Was that a lie, or was Sasuke's love just not strong enough to overcome his wish to restore the clan? She sighed deeply. She didn't want to lie to herself. If he had wanted her back, he would have showed up here a long time ago. He was probably glad that she had made a decision before he could.
Frustrated, she threw away the pillow and stood up. She didn't want to cry any more. He wasn't worth it, she told herself. She opened the window and stared outside, her gaze drifted upwards to look at stars. This time she could think of a thousand reasons why she loved Sasuke so much, but also a thousand reasons why it couldn't have worked. Why they both had never really had a chance.
"Freedom… Sasuke… I wanted to be free…"
Sasuke opened his eyes and found himself in his bed. Shit, just another nightmare. But something was different. When his hand reached out to feel the other side of the bed, he realized that he missed her.
He sat up and looked at his alarm clock. It was 10 p.m. He hadn't been able to sleep for three days now. A part of him still hoped that she would change her mind and come back. Of course that was stupid. Sakura could be so stupid…
His gaze found the picture frame on his nightstand and he reached out to grab it. Sakura had placed it there. It was the only picture of them both that existed. It had been taken a long time ago. Back then, they had still been Kakashi's students and she had more or less tricked him to get the picture taken. Now he was glad that it existed. The apartment was empty again. He was alone once again, just like back then. At the same time, he had wished for this often after she had moved in with him.
With his thumb, he stroked the picture. Back then, she had still been able to smile so brightly. Just like on that morning when he had woken up from his fever. Her smile… something inside his stomach hurt and he realized for the first time that love could hurt too.
He put the frame back and he shivered. It was cold in here. Why hadn't he noticed that before? He considered trying to go back to sleep, but then he remembered the dream he had had. He didn't want to risk a repeat of that dream. What was it that his brother had said? Freedom… I wanted to be free…
"Freedom," Sasuke repeated thoughtfully. He had reflected on these words for a long time. Free from what? Free from the constraints and duties of their parents? Free from guilt? Or free from being an Uchiha? Sasuke stopped. "Being free… no longer being an Uchiha…" And suddenly he realized what Itachi had meant. The freedom to make his own decisions. Itachi had wanted that freedom for his brother too. And yet, Sasuke had tied himself to the clan. That was the only reason why he hadn't tried to get Sakura back. He had clung to the goal of rebuilding the clan.
He inhaled deeply. Freedom. The Clan was a prison. And she was freedom. Maybe for the first time in his entire life Sasuke made a decision that was entirely for himself. He jumped up and pulled off his shirt with the Uchiha crest.. He searched his closet and pulled out a simple black shirt. Suddenly he felt relieved. Confident in his decision, he left his apartment and headed to her parents' home.
…tbc…