Lily's Patronus
Author's Note - A random Harry Potter one-shot, because I felt like it. Marauder's Era, Lily's point of view. I could continue this AN for a long time, but I won't. Enjoy! Don't forget to review! Constructive criticism is welcome!
Disclaimer - I don't own Harry Potter or any characters from Harry Potter.
Roll call again. I allowed myself to fall into a sort of stupor: mounds of homework had kept me up all night, and it had been hard to stay awake all morning. A mere three hours of sleep was simply not enough, and there were seven names before mine.
Much too soon for my liking came a voice from the front. "Lily Evans?"
"Here," I called, momentarily sitting upright as Professor Levana looked up at me. As soon as his eyes turned away, however, my head was again resting in my hands, my elbows turning red from prolonged contact with the wooden desk. For fifteen more names I could allow my mind to be blissfully blank, something that was becoming even more rare than usual as N.E.W.T.s approached.
Maybe during lunch I'll go take a nap, I thought, opening my eyes to stare out a window. It was raining again, water falling in sheets to the grounds. It seemed like it had rained six inches so far this week, and if it kept at it the lake was likely to flood. Hopefully it wouldn't rain Saturday so everyone would be on the grounds. It was hard to sleep when the whole House was in the common room, and I knew I'd still be tired when the weekend came. If only the teachers would lay off a bit on the homework...
I looked away from the window to see how much more time of mindlessness I had left. Remus Lupin had just been called. Ten names to go.
Blinking furiously to avoid dropping off to sleep, I allowed my eyes to wander. Inevitably, they rested on the back of James's head, a row ahead of me.
Hogsmeade is next weekend, I thought, unable to help looking forward to it. After asking me out twice a week since fifth year, I had finally told him yes. Partially because it was getting really annoying, I reminded myself. For a few seconds my mind was blank, and then I realized what I had just thought. PARTIALLY? I mentally squashed the word into a pulp. Entirely was a much better word. ...Right?
The truth was that I wasn't sure what to think about James... he was certainly nothing like he had been in fifth year. Much less self-centered. Much less arrogant.
I hope the weather's better next weekend, I thought vaguely.
At the name "Anna Young" I forced myself to pay attention. The lesson had begun, and Defense Against the Dark Arts, though I was good at it, was no laugh this close to N.E.W.T.s. I couldn't afford to sleep through it.
"We'll be starting something new today," came Professor Levana's voice from his desk by the window. "It's very difficult, and I don't expect many of you to succeed at producing it. However, it is bound to come up in your N.E.W.T..."
"Will he just tell us what we're supposed to do already?" came a murmur from behind me. Several people ahead turned to nod in agreement.
Acting as though he hadn't heard, Professor Levana continued. "... at least in the theory, if not practical, portion. Though it would be much harder to perform in an out-of-classroom setting, if you can't do it here you certainly won't be able to with a dementor staring you in the face."
There was a collective intake of breath from the whole class. "Patronuses?" I whispered, unable to suppress awe. Patronuses were difficult... I had tried it once before, having read about them, and failed.
"A true Patronus Charm will take the form of an animal and act as a protector against a dementor. A feeble Patronus, which I expect most of you to make before the end of class, is indistinct and misty. But let's see how far you get! Think of something happy! The incantation is 'Expecto Patronum.' You may begin."
Chairs scraped as everyone stood. I racked my brains for something happy. The first thing that leapt to mind was when I had received my O.W.L. results, and finding that I had passed everything. Recalling the feeling of glee and mild surprise, I murmured "Expecto Patronum!"
Only the palest, most insubstantial mist erupted from my wand tip. I had to squint before I even saw that it was there. Looking around the room, I noticed that everyone else was doing verbal spells too. Professor Levana wasn't yelling, though, so I assumed he had decided not to make it more difficult than it already was.
Most of the class was just standing there, wands poised, their eyes darting around the room to see what other people were doing. It seemed most of them hadn't even tried. I heard one girl whisper, "What was the incantation again?" Others seemed to be trying to think of something exceptionally happy. The row ahead was shrouded in thick mist. For a second I thought I could see a deer-like head, but I blinked and it was gone. "Nice one, Prongs," I heard Sirius mutter to James. James grinned in reply.
I felt my head tip forward and jerked it up again. I couldn't fall asleep! Not in such an important lesson!
I thought hard, trying to summon up another happy memory. My first day at Hogwarts! I remembered being overjoyed to feel like I belonged. I had made friends almost immediately, and lessons were so much more interesting than they had been before my letter came.
Concentrating on the feeling of happiness, I again whispered the incantation.
Again I got only feeble mist. I tried three more times. I was starting to get frustrated, even though I knew Patronuses were supposed to be extremely hard. Never had any charm caused me this much trouble before. Hadn't I achieved an 'Outstanding' in my Charms O.W.L. two years before? Hadn't I gotten one hundred thirty-eight percent on one Charms exam? And it was a Charm that I was trying and failing to produce!
I closed my eyes in an attempt to calm myself -- big mistake. I had to grab the desk and pinch myself to avoid falling asleep on the spot. I would certainly be spending lunch in bed. I was beginning to dread how tired I would be this afternoon.
I forced myself to try again. A happy thought... I was running out of thoughts I considered happy enough to choose from. Again I felt my eyes drawn to James as though he was a magnet. Get a grip, I told myself. Why do you keep looking at him, anyway?
Hogsmeade next weekend, I thought again, almost dreamily. I imagined myself walking through Hogsmeade with James at my side, talking and laughing. This time I couldn't deny that I had said yes for another reason, other than feeling sorry for him or sheer annoyance. But I still wouldn't let myself think about that reason. He's James, I reminded myself. James, the arrogant jerk who could never stop showing off.
However, the fact remained that I had thought that in past tense. He wasn't like that anymore.
This is almost as bad as sleeping in class, I scolded myself. I'm not doing anything productive.
Something happy... But all I could think of was Hogsmeade. Well, maybe it's happy. It's worth a try.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Much thicker mist came from my wand. I thought I could almost see the shadow of an eye, and a neck, but then it lost all form. If it had any. It was mere mist, just like my last tries.
But I was pleased with that one, and felt much less frustrated when class ended. I groaned along with the rest of the class when we were told to practice as homework.
I was the first one out the door, running in the opposite direction from the rest going to lunch, and heading off to my dormitory and BED.
I sat on the end of the four-poster minutes later, panting. I should practice now, I thought. Get it out of the way so I can sleep as soon as lessons end this afternoon.
Summoning a happy memory from years before, I tried with all my might to concentrate on it. But just as I said the incantation, a mental image of James drove it out of my mind.
A huge, glittering creature erupted from my wand, circling the room in a breath's time. I gasped as it turned to face me, sleep-deprivation utterly forgotten and my hands over my open mouth.
It had four legs, hooves, and long antlers. A stag.
My mind flashed back to the lesson. Hadn't Sirius Black called him Prongs? Hadn't his Patronus been a stag, however indistinct? Hadn't I seen him countless times in the library up until fifth year, poring over books on Animagi?
I couldn't deny it any longer.
The stag was beginning to fade away, back into mist, as I sat frozen in realization. I was starting to feel quite faint. I hoped I wouldn't pass out, or I might miss Herbology.
Already the stag was nearly transparent.
"No," I whispered, reaching out as though to touch it, hold it, make it stay.
"James."