Dear Jerk!
Guess who I bumped into at the club last night? A girl named Paula. She had some very interesting things to tell me about you. You remember Paula, don't you? You should since it seems you were sleeping with her at the same time you were living with me. If you want to spend time with some vapid bimbo in a wonder bra and press-on nails that's your prerogative. Just don't plan on spending any more time with me when you get back from where ever the hell you are!
I can't believe I bought that story about you going on an 'important and dangerous mission for your country'. You're probably on a beach somewhere having some scantily clad native girl rub suntan lotion all over your sorry ass.
I sent most of your things back to the university, what I didn't toss on the curb that is, and changed the locks--so don't even bother coming back to the apartment. Oh, and I may have accidentally slipped and mentioned to them that you slept with Paula. Your university has a rule about teachers sleeping with students, don't they? Well, don't worry, I'm sure that your impending meeting with the ethics committee will go swimmingly; and if not, there are plenty of other cushy academic jobs out there, right?
When you get back, don't you dare call me, Kavanagh, you swine! I sure as hell won't be calling you!
Malinda
P.S. You know that classic little green Porsche of yours? Remember how you made me take off my high heels before I could get in it so I wouldn't scuff the carpeting? Well, I was so upset after meeting Paula that I 'borrowed' it and had a little 'accident'. You'll be able to pick up what's left of it at the police impound lot. There is a $300 towing charge and a $15 per day storage fee. Don't worry about having to decide whether to pay a big bill or relinquish the wreck--I mean car--when you get back, though. I gave them your credit card number so they could bill you monthly. That reminds me--the bank called, your account is past due.
Inspired by a letter in "Kiss-Off Letters to Men" authored by Muara Johnston & Erica Dankoff.