Up the Lifestream without a Chocobo

by FFferret1

Yuffie, Cloud and Tifa are in Mideel trying to get some supplies, but a certain chocobo type person in pink is making it rather difficult.

2. Day at the Shrinks

Ok, here we go again...
Disclaimer - I don't own any of the Final Fantasy characters, or any of the places in this story. They are all property of SquareSoft, or SquareEnix now... Although I wish I owned them, because I'd make them do all kinds of crazy things! Hee hee hee... rubs hands together evilly
Oh yeah I also don't own Tamagotchi, so please don't kill me.

Avalanche's Day at The Shrink's
Group Session #1

It's Tuesday, and Yuffie, Cloud and Tifa have made their way to the Psychiatrist's office for their emergency appointments. Upon arrival, they were surprised to discover that the other Avalanche members were there too, for various reasons.
They were all sat it the waiting room outside the Shrink's office. Yuffie sat down and let out a long sigh. Cloud went and sat down by Aeris, and Tifa by him.
"Hello Aeris!" Cloud beamed.
"What're you doing here?"
Aeris shifted uncomfortably in her chair.
"My real mother said I should get my head looked at cos I keep hearing her voice.."
"Oh."Cloud nodded his head pretending he understood. "Isn't your real mother dead?"
"Yes Cloud..." Aeris replied plainly.
Tifa looked at the floor and put her hand over her mouth to try to stop herself from laughing.

"Ok, can the next group please come in? Avalanche is it? Avalanche for group session!"
"Hey! We're not here for a group session!" Yuffie pointed out.
"Sorry but the secretary put you all down for a group session. This way please!" The Shrink pointed to a room with 10 chairs all in a circle.
"Aw, Gawd..." Yuffie followed the rest of the gang into the room.
They each took a chair.
Cloud sat down in between Tifa and Aeris. He looked at the illustrious woman in pink, then at the hot piece of ass in a mini leather skirt and suspenders.Then he got out his Tamagotchi... It's not like anyone esle was paying attention any way...
"Right, first of all we need to know each others names." The Shrink began.
"We already know each others $#' names Lady!"Cid stated.
"STICK TO THE PROGRAM!" Came a sudden and unexpected scream from the ginger haired woman.
The noise was unanticipated by the gang, and took them completely by surprise.
So much so that : Cait fell off Sith. Red burnt himself with his tail. Yuffie fell backwards on her chair. Vincent woke up. Aeris stopped her conversation with her dead mother. Cloud dropped his Tamagotchi. Tifa stopped drooling over Cloud. Barret stopped oiling his gun arm, and Cid threw his porn mag over his shoulder.
"Thank You." A few hairs had come out of place on her head.
"Could we please have a little warning before you do something like that again?" Red asked as he bandaged his wound.
"Right, carrying on with the schedule. My name's Gertrude, and I'm your psychiatrist for the group session!" Gertrude said cheerfully. "Mr.Sith?"
"Yes?" replied Cait.
"Could you please tell us who you are and why you're here today?" Gertrude pushed her glasses back up her nose.
"OK, My name's Cait Sith, and I can't seem to stop eating Tuna sandwiches." Cait looked at the ground in shame.
"Why is that such a problem? No, never mind that. Why are you even eating? You're a robot!" Gertrude tried to make sense of what Cait said, and failed miserably.
"I know!" Cait Sith cried. He got up and grabbed Gertrude's arm. "You gotta help me doc! Please! You just gotta help me!"
Gertrude tried desperately to shake Cait Sith off her person. "Could you please sit down Mr.Sith?"
Cait sat back down and dried his eyes.
"Ok.Next please." Gertrude was trying her hardest to stick to the program.
"My name is Red XIII, I am a research specimen." Red said solemnly.
"Very good! And why are you hear today?" Gertrude asked the lion creature.
"I'm depressed. I am a very intelligent being, but I am trapped in this bizarre lion type body.."
"And why is that such a problem?" Gertrude looked intrigued, all the while taking notes down on her clipboard.
"I don't even have hands!" Red broke down.
"I can't open doors, or even tie my shoe-laces!"
"I see. Then how did you put that bandage on yourself?" Gertrude scribbled out what she had written by Red's name, and replaced it with 'Fucking Mad'.
"I don't Know..! You See? Nothing makes sense anymore!"Red was clearly on the edge.
"Right. Moving on " Gertrude smiled nervously.
"I'm Yuffie Kisaragi, I'm Here because those 3 - she pointed towards Cloud, Tifa and Aeris - have driven me mad!"
Cloud looked up from his Tamagotchi.
"Tifa, could you please stop dribbling on me? It's distracting."
Tifa sat back down in her seat but carried on watching Cloud, as he wiped the slobber off his tamagotchi and returned to feeding it.
"But it says here that your problem is stealing things." The Shrink looked at her Clipboard.
"No." Said Yuffie vacantly. "That's not a problem."
"Not for you Goddammit! Barret roared. "Why, ever' pair of shoes I got, she always stolen the left one!" Barret gestured to his feet.
"Is this true Ms.Kisaragi?" Gertrude looked at Yuffie.
"NO! WHY would I want his stinking shoe?"
"It also says here that you have a problem with telling the truth." Gertrude looked at her clipboard again.
"BITE ME!" Yuffie crossed her arms.
"With pleasure!" Red said cheerfully.
" I wasn't talking to you Red.." Yuffie said shakily.
"Oh, I was talking to you though...!" Red jumped at Yuffie knocking her to the floor.
"AHHH!"
"Right, next please!" Gertrude decided to carry on despite the noise and the mess of Red chewing up Yuffie.
"Um..Excuse me?" Gertrude tried to get Vincent's attention.
No response.
"EXCUSE ME!"
Vincent woke with a start. "LUCRECIA!"
"Oh, hello..."
"Could you please tell us about yourself?"
" I am Vincent Valentine, I am a former Turk." Vincent's voice was plain and monotonous.
" I came here to atone for my sins."
"What sins are these?" It was an innocent enough question.
"You had to ask didn't you Lady?" Red muffled, as he still had Yuffie's arm in his mouth.
" Red, could you please let go of me now?" Yuffie sobbed. She had bite marks all over her body, and her clothes were torn to shreds.
Yuffie staggered towards the door. " Excuse me a second.."
"Sorry Mr. Valentine, we'll get back to you in a moment." Gertrude was curious as to why Red attacked Yuffie.
"Red, why did you just maul Yuffie?"
"It's elementary my dear Watson!" Red began.
"What is?" Gertrude was confused.
"She's an annoying, stubborn brat!" Red said defiantly.
"Here, here!" Came a shout from the rest of the group.
"Hey! I heard that!" Yuffie re-entered the room with bandages and plasters all over her. She sat in her place angrily.
"You lot may find me annoying, but I'm the only one here with even the slightest bit of sense!"
The rest of the Avalanche gang nodded their heads in agreement.
"And that's only because you stole our sense materia.." Cait chimed in, and then quickly shut up because he realized how stupid he just made everyone look.
Gertrude shook her head in disbelief.
"Mr. Valentine could you tell us why you're here?"
"I let the only person I ever loved be taken away..." As Vince was talking, Yuffie was moving her lips along with his speech. Yuffie had heard Vincent's story about his past a thousand times over, and she knew it off by heart.
Cloud looked up from his Tamagotchi and saw what Yuffie was doing.
"Hee hee hee!" Cloud giggled insanely.
"Cloud you is spending too much time aroun' Aeris... Only she giggles like dat!" Barret pointed out. Vincent stopped his speech and looked at Cloud.
"Hee hee hee heee heee! Funny! Hee heh hee!" Cloud was pointing at Yuffie and laughing so hard his sides hurt.
Vincent looked behind him to where Cloud was pointing.
"Cloud? What on earth is so funny about Yuffie?"
"She was copying you! Hee hee hee!" Yuffie shot Cloud a look that made him sit down and shut up.
"Is this true Yuffie?" His face expression-less.
"NO! Of course not! Would I ever do a thing like that?"
The gang just looked at Yuffie.
"Yuffie could I have a private word with you outside a moment please?"
"I guess.."
Vincent followed Yuffie out of the room. He closed the door behind them.
A loud roar followed as Vincent turned into Chaos. "Oh...Shi------!"
Screams and desperate cries of help could be heard from behind the door. The gang just exchanged looks, they didn't say a word...
They still didn't say anything as Vincent re-entered the room, dusted himself off, and sat in his seat.
"Where's Yuffie?" Aeris asked eventually.
"She'll be back in a minuet." Vincent replied coolly.

Tifa was getting bored of this.
"Guys, when Yuffie comes back in, lets just get this over with so I can get Cloud home and tie him up and..." Tifa didn't finish her sentence, she was drooling too much.
Cloud looked very worried, his eyes were wide with shear terror.
The gang all squirmed uncomfortably in their chairs at the thought of Tifa's sexual deviance.
Just then, Yuffie re-entered the room. Her leg was in a caste and she was using a crutch, she could only use one because her other arm was broken. There were more cuts on her face, and she had the biggest black eye Cloud had ever seen.
"Don't say a word..." Yuffie said as she limped over to her seat.
Vincent didn't even bat an eyelid.
"Where were we? Ah yes. Ms, would you care to tell us who your are and why you're here?" Gertrude chose to ignore the escalating amount of abuse being hurled at Yuffie.
"My name is Aeris, and I can't tell you my second name..."
"Why not?" The shrink inquired.
"Because the author of this fan fic can't spell it." Aeris replied.
"Alright then Ms. Aeris, why are you here today?"
"Because my mother told me to." Aeris blinked.
"Do you often do what your mother says?" The shrink started going down the Child Abuse 101 file.
"No. My mother's dead..." Aeris's expression was vacant. Like it was completely normal to be hearing dead people's voices.
Gertrude threw the Child abuse file over her shoulder. She picked up a quiz sheet entitled : 'How sane are you?'
"Ms. Aeris, would you mind filling out this quiz for me please?"
"Certainly! Do you have a crayon?" Aeris asked.
"Why do you want a crayon? Wouldn't it be easier with a pen?"
"No." Aeris replied blankly.
"Here I have one." Cloud handed Aeris a green crayon.
"I don't like green, do you have a pink one?" Aeris gave Cloud the sweetest look she could.
Tifa growled angrily and crossed her arms.
"Yeah! I gotta pink one!" Cloud took a packet of crayons from his pocket.
"Why the hell are you carrying around a packet of crayons!" Cid was shocked to see just how stupid Cloud could be.
"Just in case.." Cloud said.
"In case of what? In case you get a sudden urge to do some #£$' colouring! Cid shouted.
"You never know..." Cloud said as he handed Aeris a pink crayon. Cid slapped his fore head and swore.
"Thank You!" Aeris winked at Cloud making him blush. She then took the crayon from Cloud and ate it...
(WTF!) Gertrude thought.
"Uh.. Ms. Aeris?"
"Yeah?" Aeris replied with a half chewed up crayon in her hand.
"Better take this quiz instead.." Gertrude handed Aeris another quiz. This time it was entitled : 'How insane are you, on a scale of 1-100?'
"OK!" Aeris took the quiz and went and sat in the corner to do it.
"Um... Can I borrow a pen?" Aeris asked innocently.
"Yes, I have one." Red handed Aeris a pen.
"Red, why do you have a pen if you can't use your hands, or paws, or what ever they are?" Yuffie wondered.
"AHHHHH! I don't understand it! AHHHHHHHHH!" Red jumped off his chair and shuffled underneath it. Where he put his head in his hands, or paws, or whatever they were and proceeded to tell himself that he was human and it's ok to be 'different'.
"Ok..." Gertrude sighed. She wasn't expecting anything like this, not this early in the week anyway.
"You there! With the tamagotchi!"
Cloud jumped and looked up. "Me?"
"YES YOU! DO YOU SEE ANY ONE ELSE IN HERE WITH A +&£$! TAMAGOTCHI? Cid was seriously ticked off. He had better things to do that hang around in a shrink's office with a bunch of social retards.
Cloud looked around the room. "No."
"Then I must of been addressing you, mustn't I?" Gertrude adjusted her glasses.
"Please! Don't get so technical!" Cloud squealed.
"Never mind. Tell us who you are and why you're here."
"I'm Cloud Strife!" Cloud grinned from ear to ear. As if he had just done something he was really proud of.
There was a long pause...
"And?" Gertrude said eventually.
"And...?" Cloud repeated, an utterly confused look upon his face.
The Shrink was losing it. She rubbed the temples of her head to try to calm her raging head ache.
"You're supposed to say why you're here..." The shrink said through clenched teeth.
"Oh! OK!" Cloud said, still grinning.
"Actually, why am I here?"
"Cloud, do you remember the white chocobo back in Mideel?" Yuffie cut in.
Cloud remembered. He let out a small scream at the thought of the possessed pigeon. His eyes were full of fear.
"Do you remember all of the bad dreams you had after that about being chased by a giant chocobo?" Yuffie went on, thrilled at the amount of power she had over Cloud.
Cloud had begun to sweat.
"Do you remember all of the time you woke everyone up screaming like a girl?" Yuffie was loving it.
"Yuffie! That's enough!" Tifa had to stop Yuffie. Cloud had broken down in the middle of the circle. He was holding his head and shaking it back and forth. (The same was he does in the game).
"AHHH! The devil bird is here! It's here!"
Yuffie couldn't hold it in anymore.
"BWA HA HA HA HAAA HAAAA! Ow, ow ,ow - don't make me laugh - it hurts!" Yuffie held her aching side as she laughed hysterically.
Gertrude was dumbstruck. She had had clients similar to this before, but never so... so retarded.
"Hey does anyone know how to spell DNA?" Aeris asked, still trying to fill in her quiz.
Tifa wasn't going to stand for this.
"Yuffie, get over here now."
"No, I don't think so." Yuffie said defiantly.
Tifa got up and walked to a clear space in the room, away from all the furniture.
She gestured to the spot in front of her where she wanted Yuffie to stand.
"Come 'ere Yuffie." Tifa cooed. "Or are you too chicken?"
Yuffie was a lot of things, but chicken? She definitely was not. Yuffie got up and limped to the spot in front of Tifa.
"Yes?" Yuffie asked cockily.
"That, was probably THE most stupid thing you ever did..." Tifa drew back her fist, and launched it. Yuffie was sent flying backwards into the wall. Dust and debris fell everywhere.
"The next time you even think about upsetting MY Cloud again, you won't get off so easily." Tifa dusted her hands off and returned to her seat.
"THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Gertrude was livid.
"FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE ALL FCKING MAD!"
" You can't say that word in this story!" Cloud tried to protect the ears of the young readers. But Gertrude carried on...
"THEN YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA THIS YOUNG GIRL 3 TIMES!"
"Yeah!" Yuffie agreed.
"SHUT THE HELL UP! I'M TALKING HERE!"
" Yes Ma'am!" Yuffie shut up.
"AND IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH! YOU WREAKED MY OFFICE! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY WALL!"
"Can we go now?" Cid wanted out.
"GO?... GO?" Gertrude mocked.
"I WANT YOU ALL TO GET THE HELL OUTTA MY SIGHT!"
"Okie Dokie!" Cloud didn't need telling twice, he made his way to the exit straight away. The rest of the gang followed him out, Tifa was right behind Cloud, dribbling...
"Wait!" Aeris screamed.
"Wait! I finished my quiz!" Aeris shouted proudly.
"That's Great..." Gertrude had never been so sarcastic in all her life.
"Yeah!" Aeris mused.
"YOU'RE INSANE! I DON'T NEED A DAMN QUIZ TO TELL ME THAT!
Aeris blinked,"Ooh.."
"GET OUT!"
Aeris turned tail and fled, Slamming the door behind her. As she left, Aeris spoke with her mother (Yes her dead one!).
Aeris had gained a nervous twitch. She bashed the side of her head, trying to stop the voice.
"I told you mother! This was a bad idea!"

After Aeris had left Gertrude picked up her phone and dialed.
" Yes hello, it's Gertrude. I'd like an appointment with my Shrink ASAP! Thanks. Could I also get a side order of Tamazipan and Prozac? Ok thank you. Bye."

END

I know, I know... Even more insane than the last one eh?

Well lemme know what you think...