CHAPTER 5: BEYOND REDEMPTION

You and me, baby,

Ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it

Like they do on the Discovery Channel

(Bloodhound Gang-Bad touch)

The next morning, I felt like I had one heck of a hangover. My head hurt terribly and I couldn't remember anything. I take a moment to stretch and shake off the sleep from my skinny, newly blemished limbs and I yawn, revealing a pair of sharper than your usual teeth. Sirius was next to me, still sleeping and I look around. I sensed the distinct odor of Firewhisky and…Lily! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?

Lily was in James's arms wearing nothing but his underwear, both drunk and on the floor. Peter was in bed with a couple of nude chicks and a dildo in his hand. On the nightstand, the alcohol was dripping from a knocked over bottle and next to it were some items that really freaked me out: Ecstasy pills. Realizing that we were all mostly naked, I get really pissed on my three idiot friends and on myself. I wake Sirius up with a strong knock over his empty head.

'Ouch! What was that for, sweetheart?'

'Don't you sweetheart me, you…you…drug dealer! Per…vert!'I started beating him with the pillow.

'Will…you…stop…that…Remus? Let…me…ex…plain…'

'Explain? Yes, that would be nice! Oh, let James and Peter help you!'

With a quick turn of my hand, the pillow lands in Prongs' face and a bra hits Wormtail in the head.

'What the…' the two chorused.

'OH, NEITHER OF YOU REMEMBER! LET ME REFRESH YOUR MEMORY! What was supposed to be an innocent 7th year dorm party turned into a fucking ORGY! Thanks to YOUR (to James) Ecstasy and YOUR (to Peter) dildo and YOUR (to Sirius) Firewhisky!'

'Well, actually…the Ecstasy was mine…' said Adora, one of Lily's friends from Wormtail's bed.

'And… the dildo is mine…' said Lily.

'WHAT? OH, FUCK ME!'

'Not a problem!' said Padfoot and everybody started laughing.

'C'mon, Remus, you didn't seem to mind "giving and receiving love" last night…'

'Oh, I think I'm going to be sick!'

'Ok, but not in front of the camera.'

'Camera? You mean we actually videotaped EVERYTHING that happened? Ok, that's it! Everybody out! And don't even think about touching that camera or the tape!'

'Awh…'

'I don't want to hear it! GET OUT!'

'Boy, you really know how to spoil everybody's fun! I really liked you better when you were high!'

'Ok! I KNOW you guys are mentally challenged and probably possessed by the Devil! So I'm not surprised you would pull off something like this. What bothers me is how the hell you managed to get me involved in all of this!'

'Ehem…you tell 'em James…' said Sirius

'Me? It was your idea!'

"Peter? A little help here?'

'You see, what they're trying to put on my shoulders is explain to you how THEY…slipped…something…in your…drink?'

'Ehehe! Kinda funny, don't you think?'

'Funny? I'll show you funny! You will be serving a week's worth of detention, cleaning up all the bathrooms in the school…with your toothbrushes! Hahaha! Now that's comedy!'