Author Manic P
Disclaimer I do not own, oh Lordy how I do not own.
Author's Notes hangs head in shame yeah… four months later. I am really truly sorry! I really AM! But it wasn't my fault for once, I promise. Nope, it was computer troubles. You see, I started university in the fall, and as soon as I plugged my laptop into their crappy system… you guessed it. Virus. Only it wasn't just one, oh no, it was over A THOUSAND! So I took it into Staples… bad idea. Incompetent boobs wouldn't know a keyboard from their mother's asshole (sorry) and it took them SEVEN WEEKS (WTF?!?!) to get it fixed. And how did they fix it, you ask? BY ERASING EVERYTHING I HAD! Including a brand spankin' new chapter. I only just got back my (precious) laptop, and I had no real way of letting people know what was going on. So… long story short… I'm not dead! YAY!
So here's the next chapter. It's getting good now (I think so anyway). Grossness at the end. Slight fluff before that. SNUGGLES TO THE REVIEWERS! (PS- that new C2 Coke… yeah, ½ calories and ½ carbohydrates… yet it's making me hyper)
Germanus
Cold has crept into my limbs like a snake's most vicious venom. It is almost poetic, in a way. Now the outer part of my body is just like the inside. Frozen. Unable to feel. My tears have long since stopped and I have remained in my position against the wall, rocking slightly. I am unable to even think about what happened tonight, too overwrought to deal with it now. Instead, I shut my mind off to everything and focus instead on my rocking and the numbing cold. My head pounds rhythmically, providing just that much more discomfort. It is like I am being struck repeatedly in the head and I deeply wish I could escape the pain. I feel as though my sanity is about to slip as I wait for each painful throb to assault me again and again.
I am like a child once more, frightened and lost in the dark. Only this time, I have no Mother's warm embrace, nor Father's kind eyes. I have no teasing Lancelot; no sweet Gawain. I have only the cold as my comforting companion. My eyes have fixed on the wall in front of me and have barely moved since then. Anything to keep from feeling; to keep from remembering. I am not aware of just how much time has passed but it seems like an eternity and more. I feel as though I have aged just as much.
Suddenly, the pounding in my head seems to be replaced by a very odd thumping. I wince as the pain increases and can't help the whimper that is torn from my aching throat. I frown after a moment, the thumping becoming louder and much more insistent. My mind begins to thaw just enough for me to understand that there is someone at my door, begging for entrance. I turn my head slightly, reacting to it without thinking, and I wince once more as my neck protests the movement. The thumping is quickly joined by a soft, almost regretful voice. I let my eyes drift shut in misery as I recognize the voice of Gawain as he says, "Kate? Kate, please, let me in." I want to respond, but for a few moments I am unable to.
"Kate?" he questions, his voice vibrating with just a touch of alarm now. With a slight amount of amusement, I wonder if he thinks I have hurt myself, or worse. Shaking my head slightly, I hoarsely call back, "What is it Gawain?" His voice is relieved now as he says, "Let me in. I want to see you." Sighing deeply, I mumble to myself, "Go away." Out loud, however, I numbly say, "Leave me be Gawain. I am not in the mood for company."
"I don't care." He replies stubbornly, hitting the door once more to accentuate his words. I raise an eyebrow as he continues, "If you don't open the damned door I'll…." He falters here, apparently summoning up his will before continuing, "I will have this door in splinters, so help me." The threat surprises me, but I have no doubt that he would carry through with it. Exhaling sharply, I slowly get to my feet, my body announcing my aches all over again. I walk over to the door, feeling lightheaded and a little dizzy. When I open it, my eyes fall on the sight of Gawain, axe hefted over his head as he is about to break in my door.
"Gawain!" I yelp, rushing towards him. He pauses in mid-motion as I close my hands around his wrists and gives me a slightly sheepish grin. I can't help but laugh at his expression, and I release his hands, shaking my head at him. He sets aside his weapon and wraps his arms around me. As soon as I feel those warm, friendly arms close around me I feel better. I lean into his embrace, feeling my walls crumble all over again, and whisper his name. My voice carries with it a distinct amount of pain, and he shushes me gently, murmuring, "I know."
"It isn't fair…." I whisper, my voice becoming more heated as I repeat, "It isn't fair, Gawain." I feel his hand in my hair and I relish the touch as he makes a low noise of agreement. After indulging in the embrace for just a second longer, I pull back slightly to say, "Don't accept the mission. You could leave-"
"And be hunted down like a dog, Kate?" he questions, and I don't miss the note of bitterness in his voice. I hadn't expected him to agree, yet disappointment washes through me. He sees it on my face and curls a hand under my chin to force me to look him in the eyes once again. For a moment, silence reigns and we are locked in a world of our own. It doesn't last, as Gawain quietly says, "I will do this last thing. But not for them." After searching his eyes once more, I nod, murmuring, "I understand." It is no lie, as I think about things from his point of view; from their point of view. There is no life when Rome has a bounty on your head. Desertion is worse than murder in some men's eyes, and nothing would be spared to recapture them.
"Are you alright?" he asks me, breaking into my heavy thoughts easily. I shrug slightly, moving out of his arms fully now as I motion for him to enter my room. I flop down onto my bed while Gawain moves about the room, building a fire. I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands as I lowly say, "I will be." Guilt is written all over Gawain's features as he stands, the flames of the fire lighting his face in an almost eerie way. He opens his mouth to say something, more than likely an apology, but I hold up a hand, effectively cutting him off.
"Don't Gawain. I understand why he said what he did, I really do." I pause for a moment before admitting, "I'm not saying that it didn't hurt… it did… but I see why he feels that way. I would feel the same, if it were me." Gawain shakes his head as he sits on the corner of my bed, his voice slightly angered as he insists, "He had no right to talk to you that way. Even if that was the way he felt, he shouldn't have said so." I give a wry smile and joke, "Well, Galahad isn't exactly known for his restraint." Gawain chuckles at this; seemingly relieved that I haven't taken offence to what his friend, and in many ways brother, had said.
"He is sorry, though." He presses after a moment and I nod in acceptance. Gawain pauses for a second before blurting out, "I didn't know you felt like that, Kate. Had I known I…." I look up at him and smile reassuringly, touched by his concern. Impulsively, I reach out and place my hand over his as I tell him, "Your being here for me now means more than anything you could have done then. Thank you." He smiles back at me, though I still see some traces of guilt on his face, and takes my hand into his. I watch as he brings it to his mouth and kisses it gently before sweetly saying, "I wanted to be sure that you were okay."
"I am." I tell him, my voice strong and clear. Hearing the renewed spirit in my voice he relaxes, and I am pleased to see some of the tension ease away. Some of my own heartache is washed away, and I marvel at Gawain's unfailing ability to make me feel better, not for the first time.
"You should go." I tell him quietly, and he looks at me. I am surprised to see hurt flash briefly in his eyes, and I hasten to add, "You need rest for your… for tomorrow. I daresay you won't be getting a good rest for some time." He sees the wisdom in my words and stands. I blush rosily when he leans over me and presses his lips to my forehead in a tender gesture that brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. Willing away the tears, I stammer, "G-goodnight." There is an unspoken agreement between the two of us that we won't say 'goodbye'. I watch him walk out the door and know without a shadow of a doubt that no matter what happens, I will always and forever cherish this memory.
My body heavy with exhaustion, I manage to fall asleep despite the continuously warring emotions within me. Just before I lose myself to dreams, a thought occurs to me. Why did Gawain come, but Lancelot did not? I feel a stab of hurt in my heart for only a brief second before I push it away, feeding myself excuses on Lancelot's behalf. I scold myself for being selfish as well, though a tiny voice inside of my heart rebelliously declares that I have the right to be angry with him.
I wake with the sun in my eyes. At first, I am confused and bewildered, knowing that something important is to happen today, but the actual name of the event escaping me. I sit up slowly and my eyes trace my room slowly, lingering on the fireplace for a moment before moving on. They fly back after only a second, the memory of Gawain building a fire for me last night returning, and with it all my memory. Growling out a low curse I vault myself out of bed and, after hastily fixing myself up, I hurry outside. I'll never forgive myself if I've missed them, I think to myself, but even as I do I know that could never happen. Vanora would never let me sleep through something as important as this.
The air is fresh and crisp, as it usually is with the beginning of a new day, and I find my spirits lifted somewhat by it. I know where to go almost immediately, and as I step into the stables, I am instantly bombarded with the intense stares of several of the knights. Missing from the group is Arthur, probably gone to attend to some last minute business. I can feel the overwhelming injustice and anger coming off of the men in waves, and I pause at the door, unsure if I am welcome.
There is an uncomfortable silence, and I am painfully reminded of the exchange I had with Galahad. He is now atop his horse, which seems skittish and fully aware of the tense atmosphere. I am just about to leave when Galahad steers his horse towards me. He refuses to look me in the eyes, but he does mumble, "Good morning Kate." I know that this is his way of apologizing to me, and though it seems unsatisfactory, I am more than willing to accept it. Galahad is a brother to me, and I am aware of his temperamental nature. He is quick to anger and slow to apology, and the mere fact that he is trying to apologize so soon after our falling out is somewhat of a phenomenon. His eyes flicker towards me briefly and I know he is waiting for a response.
"Hello Galahad." I say to him, my voice soft. He looks at me again, trying to judge my mood and I smile at him as soon as our eyes connect. He pauses at it, and then returns it. In this brief encounter, we have settled all. It has never taken many words to satisfy anger between us, something which has baffled many outsiders. But the knights understand it well, knowing my nature as well as Galahad's. He spurs his horse back into a light trot and I walk away, heading towards the benches where some of the others have gathered. Bors greets me with a slight nod of his head, which I return in kind. Tristan looks up from his inspection of his sword to give me a similar greeting as I sit next to Gawain.
"Feeling better?" he asks me discreetly, nudging me with his leg. I nod and murmur, "Thank you Gawain, for last night, I-" A snort from behind us alerts me to the fact that I am speaking slightly louder than I had wanted to and I flush, making Gawain laugh aloud. I smack him lightly on the arm and hiss, "You know what I meant!" He nods, his blue eyes twinkling at me merrily. I open my mouth to continue when a voice calls out, "Kate!"
"Lancelot!" I call back, happy that he is here so I can say goodbye to him properly. He looks as calm and cocky as ever, his hug boisterous as I approach him. He sets me down on my feet and gives me a silent once-over. I sigh softly and snap at him, "I'm fine." He raises an eyebrow at me but doesn't press the issue, instead opting to join the others on the benches. As he absently begins to check his weapons, looking up at me briefly to tease, "So what's this I hear about you and Gawain?" I blush again out of reflex even though I can tell he doesn't really believe it and make a face at him that sets him laughing.
"Oh I hate you all." I say, crossing my arms over my chest and giving them all a very dark look. It does little but make them all smirk at me, knowing that what I say could never be true. Throwing up my hands in mock disgust I sit back down with a huff just as Arthur comes striding into the room. Usually when this happens, he is greeted with friendly words and gestures. Usually there is a smile on his face. Today, he is greeted with cold looks and tension. It is as if any joviality that had occurred just now has been sucked out of the room, and I shiver at the abrupt shift. I don't miss the stare-down that he and Galahad share as Arthur approaches us. I stand to greet him, and he spares me a tense smile as I do. I hug him briefly, moving my mouth to his ear to whisper, "Give them time."
He nods, and we break apart, just as the Bishop and his weasel enter the stables, accompanied by several Roman guards. Barely suppressing a sneer at the sight of them, I sit down, trying my best not to look at either of them. I cannot, however stop my grin when I hear that the Bishop has decided to send Horton with the knights. He claims it is as a representative of the church, but I know better. Horton is going as his spy. I look up to Gawain and we exchange a knowing grin. I doubt the man will last a day. Sadistically, I silently hope that they will make it as hard as possible for him.
"Godspeed as you fulfill your duty to Rome." The Bishop tells Arthur, and I look up to see the forced smile on his thin lips. I glance at Arthur as he steely returns, "My duty is also towards my men." In his words is an underlying threat that I am sure nobody else has missed. The Bishop, intimidated, yet not wiling to admit it, responds, "Then get them home." The vicious part of me simply wants to seize a nearby weapon and plunge it into the man's chest, but the rational part of me forces me to remain calm.
He then leaves the room, and for what seems like the thousandth time, I am faced with another farewell. I can only hope it isn't the last. I surprise myself with my own strength as I bid each one of the knights goodbye, lingering with each one. When I hug Lancelot, he squeezes me extra tight and murmurs in my ear, "I'll be back soon." Holding him back just as tight, I waveringly reply, "You had better." I feel his lips press to my cheek, dangerously close to my mouth and I feel my cheeks redden for the third time today. The next thing I know he is gone and in his place is Gawain. Strangely, Gawain is far less emotional in his goodbye. Instead of hugging me tight and going through our usual motions, he simply stares at me and stammers out, "I-I'll see you soon." He takes a step forward as if to embrace me but stops when I move to do the same.
Finally, he seems to abandon whatever had been holding him back and kisses my cheek, much in the same way Lancelot had. I stare at him with a puzzled frown as he sprints away from me and mounts his horse. I spot him shaking his head at himself slightly, his lips moving just slightly to show that he is muttering something to himself. I cock my head to one side, worried about the knight. I shout out a final good luck call as they spur their horses out of the stables and away from me. My heart contracts at the sight and I rub at the corners of my eyes furiously to stop the tears. Above the sound of pounding hooves I tell myself over and over that they will be fine and return to me happy and well.
I shut my eyes briefly when I can no longer hear them, and then force myself up and out of the stables. I head towards Vanora's first, knowing that she cannot be in the best state right now and will probably need my help. As soon as I enter her home, I know that my assumptions are true. She looks entirely hassled and near-tears when she faces me, relief following soon after. I find my arms full of her baby a split second later and her youngest daughter latches onto my leg soon after. I find myself standing there in the middle of chaos as Vanora chases down two of the older boys, yelling something unintelligible after them. For once, I find myself thankful that I have no children as they finally just run out the door, taking several of their brothers and sisters with them.
As soon as they have left she flops down, and I can see the strain on her very clearly. I stay silent as she gives me a tired look and says, "I hate that man." I nod, though both of us know she doesn't really mean it. She brings a hand to her pale cheek and continues, "They're gone then?" I nod, shifting the baby in my arms slightly, surprised to see that he is fast asleep despite all the commotion. She notices the movement and holds out her arms, smiling wanly as I hand her the boy. I motion towards the girl and raise an eyebrow and she nods at me, giving me a grateful look. I look down to the little girl and say, "Would you like to join me today?" She gives a little squeal of excitement and releases me, dashing off to grab something. I can't help but grin when she shows me her very own healing bag, not entirely unlike mine, filled with a haphazard collection of things.
"He got it for me." She says proudly, and I look up at Vanora for confirmation of my suspicions. When she nods, I find my respect for Bors increasing. I straighten up and feel my smile increase when the little girl grabs hold of my hand instantly. I can only hope that today's healing expedition will be far less eventful than the last.
Thankfully, the day is fairly uneventful. I spend more time showing the little girl the right medicines to use and how to use them properly than I do actually helping anybody. Because she is with me, I receive far more treats than I normally do, and for once I don't have to eat the food I brought with me. I return the little girl to her mother before dark when no other jobs arise and, though she seems reluctant to return, she thanks me for the day.
As the sun begins to set, I find my thoughts returning to the knights yet again. I had found myself preoccupied by them throughout the day, and more than once the little girl was the one to return me to the task at hand. Sadness creeps into my heart and I find myself wandering towards the round table that has held so many memories, some of them happy, others sad. The room seems so empty and quiet as I enter it, that for one frightening moment, I imagine that it might remain like this forever. I wrap my arms around me and will the thought away, a shiver traveling up my spine.
I wonder where they are now and pray to the gods that they are safe. I take a moment to remember those who have been lost, this room reminding me of them more than any shrine or burial mound could. Just as I am in the midst of my memories, a voice cuts through my private thoughts, startling a cry out of me. I am no less ill at ease when I see the Bishop standing in the doorway, a strange look on his face. He is still clad in his decadent robes, his corpulent form unconcealed by them. He strides into the room, full of confidence as he unapologetically says, "Did I startle you… Kate, was it?" I nod and dully say, "I was just leaving." I head towards the door, but pause when he reaches out, wrapping thick fingers around my wrist.
"You know, those knights aren't at all what I expected." He says by way of conversation, and I find myself fidgeting as I nervously respond, "Y-yes?" He nods slowly and then lowly says, "I wasn't expecting you either." I suppress the urge to sigh and simply nod, not daring to look back to see the expression on his face. My skin crawls where he is touching me and I wish he would let me go. Just as the thought enters my mind, he does so, but something commands me to stay where I am. He comes up behind me, and for a moment, he is so close that I can feel his breath on the back of my neck, hot and rather foul. He places his hand on my shoulder and says, "I have never seen a woman such as you."
"N-necessity breeds change." I say, trying my best not to show him just how rattled I am by his presence. I feverishly wish that the knights were here as he leans in even closer. His voice is a low, silky purr as he continues, "I have to admit, you intrigue me." My entire body then goes completely still as I feel his fingers on my breast. Fear and absolute panic immobilize me as his hand cups my breast fully, his thumb and forefinger brushing my nipple absently. This finally provokes a movement from me and I wrench myself away from him, bringing my arms up to cover myself as I stare at him in horror. To my disgust he brings his hand to his nose and inhales deeply, smiling at me guilelessly as he does so. With a silent promise, he strides out of the room, leaving me trembling and with bile rising up into my throat.
Next chapter
Kate fears for her safety and suffers a devastating attack.