The Drinking Habits of an Average Smith Clone
A story inspired by a role play that was done by my friend and me.
Dedicated to my good friend, Jess Berry
oOo
On Saturdays, Agents often go to the pub. Many of them believe that the alcohol does not affect them because they're machines. The one big thing that many of the dumber Smith clones have thought is, that this claim is true. However, it is not true. Many machines do not appreciate having alcohol being poured down them, so react badly.
One Saturday, Smith watched on in disgust as Smith clones 1125 through to 1153 were having a drinking contest. He stood in the doorway to the smelly pub, watching some of the lesser intelligent Smiths having what they thought was a good time. What people don't realise is that clones of Smith really do need to have fun sometimes. In the lulls in activity, when the One is not present in the Matrix, they need something to occupy their time, rather than predict where the One will surface, and hide there. Smith passes the time by plotting ways to rid the Matrix of the One, and somehow become the almighty leader of the Matrix.
"Ignorami! Do they really think that that's good for them?" Smith said to Smith 1 who happened to be watching with a similar degree of horror.
"I believe so, little do they know that it will not help them catch the one at all!" said Smith 1, moving to onto the street.
"Drunk chasing 'The One' is a great offence according to the architect" said Smith, walking along the pavement.
"Well, you aren't going to be able to stop them" said Smith 1.
"Don't worry, there are more intelligent people to take the important jobs such as ridding the world of rebels" said Smith.
oOo
In the world of the Matrix, a new duo had been seen running amuck through the Matrix. This had angered Smith greatly, since they now had two lunatics clad in what appeared to be pirate uniforms foiling all of Smith's plans. However, they did not seem to take kindly to the One, even though they appeared to be on their side. It was strange to Smith, because these two strange characters had seemingly appeared over night. One evening, Smith was having a pleasant time plotting the demise of the One, when all of a sudden, the two people burst into the building he was in.
"Look, I told you. Barbossa's name is Hector!" said the first, a female. She was Caucasian, with a hint of brown.
"Ok, fine. Wait…where are we?" said the second, a male, who was Caucasian.
"Not on the Black Pearl, that's for…hey look! Smith!" said the female, clearly surprised.
What surprised Smith the most, however, was the fact that they were dressed in pirate costumes. Then he did a double take. Did the female just say his name?
"Who are you?" said Smith, looking suspiciously at the pair, searching for his gun.
"Boydell and my good Spanish friend, Berry. Rebels at your service…wait, is that what we want to be?" said Boydell, who turned out to be the male.
"Think so. Or shall we kick Neo's butt?" said Berry, who was considering.
"Nah, lets go as rebels. Zion sounds fun. See ya later, Smith" said Boydell.
With that, the two strangely dressed Rebels ran out of the building, and down the street. Smith, who was surprised by the whole event did not do anything but stare down the street, with a thoroughly confused look on his face. Had he been dreaming? No. They were real. All too real.
oOo
"Neo, we have little time. The Smith clones are growing restless, and the machines are searching out Zion. That spy almost showed them where it was. There is not much time until they actually find us" said Morpheus, gravely.
"I understand, but why must I be the One?" said Neo for the thousandth time that morning.
"Because it is held with in the prophecy. You must see it through. With help from all of us, especially from Trinity, you will be able to get through this" Morpheus replied.
"Ok, but who are those dudes?" said Neo, pointing over Morpheus' shoulder, at two people who had just appeared behind them, clad in black robes, and dark sun glasses.
"Like the new clothes, so comfortable" said the first, a Caucasian male.
"They suck!" said the second, a female Caucasian, with a hint of brown.
"No they don't" said the first, looking defensive "Just because Neo wears them"
"That's exactly what the problem is…dude…we're somewhere new" said the second.
"Who are you, and how did you get here?" said Morpheus, drawing a sword and levelling it at them. Neo got ready in full fighting stance.
"We're Boydell and Berry. Two new rebels. We arrived this morning from…somewhere" said the first, who turned out to be Boydell.
"We've come to help you. We saw Smith just now, he seemed a bit surprised to see us though" said Berry, looking in the pocket of her newly acquired robe, and finding a pistol, a role of quarters and some chewing gum.
"How did you get here?" said Neo.
"We found a space ship, and we told it to take us to Zion. And it did" said Boydell.
"What kind of space ship?" said Morpheus.
"I don't know, it was big, shiny, lots of buttons. And it had a cup holder, and this really cool coffee machine, that made all sorts of different coffees, and also this…"
"Shut up, Boydell. I apologise for him. Basically, we're here to be rebels and kick some agent ass" said Berry, winking at Boydell for some at the moment unknown reason.
"Anyway, we must be off. Things to do" said Boydell "We'll call you"
Back in the space ship, Berry set the thing in motion, back to the Matrix, and Boydell appeared with a latte.
"Can you believe that they fell for that?" said Berry
"Yep. I can. Only problem is, we introduced ourselves to Smith as Rebels" said Boydell
"True, true. We'll blackmail him. We know where Zion is, he doesn't" said Berry, scheming.
"Good plan" said Boydell, sipping on his latte "Coffee's good too"
oOo
"Smith?" said a voice behind him. Curses, it was those blasted new people.
"What is it?" Smith said, lurking in the shadows.
"We made a mistake earlier" said the female, Berry.
"What was that?" Smith said.
"We introduced ourselves as Rebels, if you remember" said the male, Boydell.
"I do, quite clearly. What was this mistake then" Smith said, still suspicious.
"Well, just that. We're not. We're on the agents side. We've just been to Zion" the female said.
"I don't believe you" said Smith. Was this his lucky day? Or were these numbskulls just having a laugh?
"Well you should. Right here is a lock of Neo's hair that we managed to get just before we left" said Boydell, holding up a small plastic zip bag.
"So it is…" said Smith "Although how do I know that I can trust you?"
"You see those Agents out there?" said Berry, pointing at a load of drunk Smith clones.
"Yes…" Smith said uncertainly.
"We closed the bar. They're drifting now. They'll sober up, ready for the One to surface" said Boydell.
"How do you mean, closed the bar?" said Smith.
"See for yourself" said Berry, who opened the blind a bit more.
"What the hell did you do?" said Smith, shocked. What he saw was a large black crater in the ground, where the pub he had been earlier was.
"We set fire to it" said Boydell simply "Even we didn't expect it to, well, explode"
"I see" said Smith "You two may turn out to be very useful"
"We may indeed. If you'll excuse us, we have things to be getting on with" said Berry. The two of them left.
Back on the space ship, Berry set the ship in motion, and set it to orbit the Matrix Earth. Boydell appeared through the Bridge door, this time carrying a cappuccino.
"Every one is a winner" said Boydell, smelling his coffee.
"You've got to hold off on that stuff" said Berry, pacing around "What are we going to do?"
"Wait for a rebel appearance I suppose. If Neo appears then we follow" said Boydell, taking a sip of his cappuccino.
oOo
A few weeks later, the Smith clones had managed to find a new pub. Once again, they were having their drinking competition, and once again, Smith and Smith 1 stood in the doorway, watching the chaos in front of them.
"So tell me. What of these two new people?" said Smith 1. He had heard about what had happened in the pub from Smith 1123, who had seen it all happen.
"They are on our side, although I have not seen much of them recently. The last time I saw them, the female was running around in Tokyo, cleaning out the noodle bars. The male appeared to be following with a lot less enthusiasm" said Smith.
"Sounds odd" said Smith 1. They walked inside the pub, and sat at a table. This pub was a lot less smelly, and more airy. All in all, it was a more pleasant place to while away the hours, plotting revenge on the One.
All of a sudden, the infamous Berry and Boydell suddenly appeared in the door way of the pub.
"Look, I told you that the potato powered Buick was a hoax, but noooo!" said Boydell, to a slightly irritated Berry.
"Shut up Boydell, and stop quoting Matrix piss takes, they aren't that fun…oh hey Smith" Berry said, waving at him.
"Miss Berry, nice to see you" said Smith rising from the table.
"Indeed, hello" said Berry.
"Hey Smith, how's the hair line?" said Boydell. He had been teasing Smith mercilessly about that for a long time, ever since that rebel crew made a film including a man that looked remarkably like Smith. Smith growled in response, and bared his teeth as he does when he is angry.
"Mr Boydell, good to see your putting on a little weight!" Smith said.
"Old joke" said Boydell, completely unaffected "Anyway, why are you here?"
"I was watching these stupid ignorami drinking that's what" he said, seemingly irritated that his come back had failed so miserably.
"Oh, well Berry and I were just about to join them" Boydell said. Smith snarled and stormed off.
"Well that got rid of him" said Berry, spying a noodle bar just across the street.
"Be right back!" and she ran off. Boydell sighed, and followed, for he knew only too well that it could be a while.
oOo
Smith was walking along the pavement of the Matrix City. It was one of his favourite past times, walking in the Matrix City, and he enjoyed it. Life for Smith was fine. No rebel attacks, no architect or mum to bother him, and the idiot machine king was attacking the rebels at their homes. He turned a corner and came into the street where he had wanted the final battle to take place. Unfortunately, due to a glitch in the matrix, the final rain soaking battle had actually been a dream, and he was still here in this machine created world, seeking out The One. Quite why he was doing this, he was not sure, but he was anyway.
He continued walking, and eventually came across the noodle bar which Berry and Boydell frequented. He walked in.
"Ahh Smith" said Berry, looking up from her bowl.
"Ahh Choo" said Boydell, smirking at the joke he just made.
"Bless you" said Smith, falling right into the joke.
"Thanks Smithy pal" said Boydell, causing Berry to giggle.
"Anyway, I was wondering what happened to your rebel seeking duties. You're going to have to do double rebel watching now…my clones are just too out of it" said Smith, his features darkening as he mentioned his other clones.
"No problem, Smithy" said Boydell, causing Smith to growl with obviously displeasure.
"We'll be on it. You do the southern hemisphere, we'll do the north" said Berry.
"Oh and Berry, I heard that there was a rebel concentration around Japan" said Smith.
"Really?" said Berry her eyes lighting up "Any chance you could get us there Boydell?"
"Don't see why not" said Boydell.
"See ya Smithy boy!" said Berry, giggling despite herself.
"Good bye, and good luck" Smith said, rolling his eyes. These two were almost worse than his clones. At least they weren't drunk.
oOo
A few days later, Berry and Boydell found themselves in Tokyo again, sampling the noodle bars of the country. Soon enough though, they were distracted by the following conversation of a group of very strangely dressed people who entered the bar:
"Look everyone, I said that we needed beer" said the black guy with cool glasses.
"And I said Waffles, so what the hell are we doing here?" said the other, who was wearing what appeared to be a dress.
"Look Neo, I wanted some damn noodles ok?" said a women, in very tight leather.
"Fine Trin" said the guy in the dress.
"Well, if you're Trin, and he's Neo, then what am I?" asked the guy with the cool shades.
"Morphy?" said the girl in tight leather.
"No" said the cool guy.
"Morph?" said the girl.
"Yea ok, so its Trin, Neo and Morph" said the cool guy.
"Sounds like a load of gays" said Boydell, who had walked up to the table, Berry behind him.
"Who might you be?" asked Neo.
"The waiter" said Boydell smoothly "What can I get you?"
"Plain hot soba all round" said Trinity.
Berry and Boydell walked to the kitchen of the café before speaking.
"Are you mad!" Jess said incredulously.
"What? This is the perfect opportunity" Boydell said calmly, preparing the noodles.
"To do what?" asked Berry, suspiciously.
"Poison them of course" said Boydell, simply.
"Why?" asked Berry, confused.
"Smith wants them dead doesn't he?" Boydell replied.
"Yea I suppose. What are you going to use?" Berry asked.
"Dunno" Boydell said, thinking.
"Nothing if we can help it" said Trinity, pointing a gun at him.
"Pith" said Boydell saying piss with a lisp.
"Ditto" said Berry.
"Ditto? Ditto you provincial putz!" said Morpheus, coming at Berry with his Katana. They fought, Katana's clashing. Berry was clearly the better fighter of the two, despite her occasionally not-quite-with-it demeanour. They fought, and Berry managed to cut Morpheus' arm.
"NO! What will Naomi think of me now!" he yelled, staring in horror at his arm.
"Come on" said Trinity, tugging his arm. The three rebels ran like the wind down the road. Boydell and Berry remained in the café. They shrugged, and Berry placed her katana on the table.
"Boydell, Berry. Hello" said Smith, coming in to the café.
"Hi Smith" said Boydell.
"I detected rebels. Did you get them?" Smith asked.
"Not entirely" said Berry.
"Its ok. They've gone back to Zion. They wont last long there I don't think" said Smith, thinking.
"Well since we know where it is now, it won't be long until we find them" said Boydell.
"You two indeed have been useful. More useful than these drunks I can call my clones" said Smith, gratingly.
"Lets go to the pub, I need a drink" said Berry, brightly. Smith growled, snarling almost, but reluctantly agreed and followed them back to where this story started in the near distant past.
Authors Note:
To explain, my friend and I did a series of role plays, which initially started in the Harry Potter world, then went to Lord of the Rings, then Pirates of the Carribean, and ended up here in the Matrix. Each on was a follow on from the last, hence the reference to the Black Pearl earlier. In these role plays, we also mixed characters from the different stories, for example Sirius Black and Commodore Norrington would be fighting along side myself (Boydell) and my friend (Berry) against the evil that is Neo, Trinity and Morpheus.