Anxieties
A/N: This piece is a follow-up to my previous scene-filling piece, 'Sacrifices,' and JenniGellerBing's fic, 'Blissfully Blank'. However, it can be read without knowledge of the aforementioned works. This particular fic is a one-shot to be inserted after Tonks runs into Harry at Hogwarts during HBP. (So not long after Tonks hears the rumor about a werewolf attack.) Although it was never established, for the purpose of this fic, I'm assuming that, after Harry had proven to be the heir of the Black fortune, the Order began to use 12 Grimmauld Place as Headquarters again. Thanks to JenniGellerBing for the beta! Reviews would be greatly appreciated! Contains Spoilers for HBP.
Somewhere in the large, wretched Order headquarters, a grandfather clock chimed. Tonks paused in her frantic pacing to glance down at her watch, the metallic blue face shimmering beneath the rays of moonlight that illuminated the darkened house through moldy curtains. Merlin, she thought, is it midnight already? Remus had been due to check in two hours ago. Two hours ago! She felt delirious, every inch of her body burning with worry. Where could he be? With each mysterious creak of the old house she snapped her head around expectantly. Each time, she was left disappointed. She was always left disappointed.
While she waited, she allowed her mind to drift, causing her to focus on that wretched emptiness she felt - an emptiness that somehow left her gasping in pain, struggling for air. And he was the one to blame. Remus, with his fears and his supposed noble intensions and his god damn stubbornness. She wished she could hate him. Oh, how she wished she could hate him! But it's true – there's a fine line between love and hate – and even when she was angry with him, he was still there, in her thoughts, woven deeply into every crevice of her being.
She had been cursed with the gift of time ever since Remus left to live underground with the other werewolves. As an active guard of Hogwarts, she spent many hours patrolling the grounds and surrounding areas, and sometimes could not account for her wandering mind. It always landed on Remus and what had gone wrong – why her feelings weren't enough of an incentive to convince him to stay. She would often placate herself with elaborate schemes – subterfuges trapping him, hexing him until he couldn't stand to shy away from his feelings any longer. But while those thoughts served to somewhat ease the aching emptiness, the realization that they were merely thoughts, never to be acted upon, brought her tumbling back into the painful reality.
He had been right, the last time they spoke – she was changed now; mellow, saddened… war-weary. She remembered his last visit with a shudder. He had cornered her on Christmas, forced her to open up to him, sat across from her looking so sorry and just so lovable that she couldn't help but kiss him. Twice. But it wasn't enough to convince him to stay. No, Remus would insist until he was blue in the face that, by leaving, he was protecting her, when the truth was the only person he was protecting was himself. He was frightened, and the thought made Tonks want to both cradle him in her arms until he felt safe and shake him by the shoulders until he was dizzy and dazed and unafraid.
But it wasn't that easy. It was war, after all, and within the battle of good versus evil, anxiety was quickly triumphing over certainty. She was running low on ammunition.
Noises coming from the kitchen brought Tonks back to reality. With quickness worthy only of her Auror training, Tonks sprinted toward the source of the sound, just narrowly avoiding stumbling over a loose floorboard in the process.
"Remus?"
However, anticipation quickly faded into disappointment as she dolefully watched Molly clamber out of the fireplace. Tonks studied the older witch's features and mannerisms as she dusted the soot from her crisp, yet faded dress, searching for some sort of clue as to the most recent news. Molly's face was oddly evasive.
"What happened? Is he… is he hurt?" she croaked, desperately trying to remember how to breathe.
A moment passed before Molly met Tonks' eyes, a small smile, meant to comfort, forming on her lips. "We haven't heard from Remus yet."
"But the rumors – Greyback…?"
"There was an attack last night, yes, but Remus wasn't involved. It was a young boy," said Molly, her voice uneven. "The youngest of the Montgomery children. His mother refused to give the Death Eaters information on top-secret Ministry records… they sent Greyback to… well, get revenge…" Tonks didn't know what to say, so she just studied Molly as the tears flowed freely now. "I just think about my own children and Harry – the trouble they've gotten themselves into, the trouble I know they will get themselves into…" She sighed, conjuring up a handkerchief and dabbing at her wet eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm being silly…the children are fine…"
Tonks nodded, momentarily feeling the weight of Molly's words, realizing that the woman had not only a husband to worry about, but seven children, as well. Suddenly, she felt a rush of respect toward Molly. Through all of her worrying and puttering, she was strong and together and – well, quite the opposite of how Tonks felt at the moment. She wanted to ask Molly how she handled it – how she had survived the duration of an entire war and then some without going mad from the anxiety. But all she could do was stare at the woman in awe as an uncomfortable lump lodged itself in her throat.
"Arthur's there now, dealing with something or another," said Molly dismissively. "All I know is that he won't be home until late, or, more likely, quite early in the morning. And then he'll be off again to the Ministry; I don't know how he does it."
"Well, he's pretty incredible," came Tonks' quiet reply. The realization that she had been able to say anything at all shocked her and then only left her feeling worse.
Molly looked at her as if she'd only just realized Tonks was standing there. "Oh, dear… you're shaking…" she breathed.
Tonks tried to form the words, 'I'm fine,' but all that came out was a strangled sob. Quickly, Molly closed the distance between them and sat the young witch down, running soothing fingers through her mousy-brown locks. It was times like these, though very rare, that Tonks felt the weight of her years – or, rather, lack thereof. If she were older, like Remus, like Mad-Eye Moody, like Dumbledore, she would… probably be bitter, she realized with a start. After all, how much devastation can one withstand before giving into it all?
Molly's soothing, motherly touch was enough to subdue the shaking, and soon she felt as if she could even take a normal breath of air. She turned to find Molly watching her carefully. "You don't have to stay… I'll be fine. You should get some sleep."
"No, no, I don't mind at all… I can't sleep without Arthur home anyway. You get used to sleeping with a person next to you, you know, and it all just seems – obscene – without him there."
Tonks merely nodded because, well, she didn't really know. But she had a feeling that Molly was making light of the situation for Tonks' sake – that she, too, was scared for Arthur because he wasn't with her, whole and well and standing there beside her. "If you're sure…"
"Of course I am."
Tonks nodded, silent relief coursing through her body. The waiting was bad enough, but doing so alone only served to heighten her sense of dread. "How do you do it? How do you… stand it?"
Molly cocked her head to the side, regarding Tonks with a mixture of surprise and compassion. "I would be lying if I said it gets easier. It doesn't. You just learn how to repress the fears and – live, I suppose. That isn't to say I never worry," She laughed. "It's obvious that I do! But, well… I suppose, in a way, you have to choose your battles. Falling apart over every miniscule chance of danger will drive you mad, dear."
"I think it already has," Tonks mumbled, running a weary hand over her face.
"He's fine."
"You don't know that."
"No, but I have faith. After all, he's Remus, isn't he?"
Despite the current situation, Tonks couldn't help but smile. "That he is."
With that thought, she forgot her worries, just for a moment. Instead, she found herself lost in a world of pleasant memories. The smell of him enveloped her – tea and honey and a spicy scent that Tonks couldn't quite put her finger on – and she pretended that she was nestled safely in his arms, feeling the rumble of his chest against her cheek as he spoke low words of comfort.
Suddenly, a particularly violent gust of wind caused a branch to scrape against the kitchen window, startling Tonks out of her daze. Blushing profusely, Tonks re-focused her attention upon Molly. The woman merely smiled knowingly, causing an increasingly flustered Tonks to glare at the wooden tabletop.
"Oh!" she breathed. "You really do love him…"
"What?" asked Tonks, horrified. "No, I don't! I mean, we've never even gone on a bloody date, for Merlin's sake! That's not…" she trailed off, unable to bring herself to even say the word, as if uttering it would bring about unspeakable consequences.
"Whatever you say, dear." But Molly was still smirking.
Tonks slowly looked up at the older witch's face, studying her more intently than she ever had before. Her eyes traced the lines of Molly's face – were they caused by laughter or worry? It seemed almost indecent that there could be such a fine line between the two. But no matter what the cause of those wrinkles, this face was one of experience, of a caring mother, of a loving family. Would Tonks ever get to the point? Without Remus, it seemed entirely impossible.
She realized that if the tightening in her chest at the thought of Remus, the absolute need to be with him - the way not only her body, but her very soul craved him - wasn't love, then she wasn't sure that love existed at all. So she focused her eyes on Molly, wide and pleading and full of tears, and took a shuddering breath. "What if…" she croaked, the words rough in her throat. "What if I… love him?"
"Then I'm afraid you're in for a lot of heartbreak… but you made the right choice."
Tonks shut her eyes tightly, willing the weight of this revelation to lighten. She'd always imagined love to be sweet and tender and beautiful, but, at the moment, she felt as if someone had poured salt on her fresh and smarting wounds. What now? Life is often cruel to love – would she ever get the chance to tell him? She couldn't possibly live knowing that Remus had never heard the words.
Molly shifted closer to put an arm around Tonks' trembling body, but a rattling from within the fireplace startled them apart. Tonks watched in absolute terror as a dark silhouette climbed out of the soot, rising to full height and dusting off his robes. Frozen to her chair, she allowed Molly to rush over instead, to fuss over Remus as he tiredly leaned against the wall.
"Remus, you look positively exhausted!"
"It has been a long day," Remus agreed, the disgust apparent in his tone. "I was dealing with the aftermath of Greyback's latest attack."
Molly shook her head. "Nasty business. And the full moon was just a day ago… What can I do to help?"
"I'll be fine… with a few hours of sleep."
"Absolutely. But how about a spot of tea before bed?"
Molly lit a candle with her wand, causing the light to illuminate Remus' fatigued features. Tonks almost gasped when she laid her eyes upon him – he was even more haggard and thin than the last time she saw him. Although still in the dark, as the brightness didn't quite filter over to Tonks' end of the room, Remus' eyes flickered toward her spot, as if he had sensed her presence. Unconsciously, Tonks silently slipped off the chair, fixing her eyes upon Remus, poised like a cat ready to pounce.
"Oh!" cried Molly, as Tonks flung herself at Remus. His eyes widened in surprise and he stumbled a few steps backward before steadying them both with a strength he didn't look to possess. "Tonks, really!" admonished Molly. "He isn't well!" But she just hooked her arms tightly around his midsection and buried her head in his chest, breathing in the dampness of his worn robes until she thought she just might suffocate. And then she looked up to find him staring at her with a mixture of horror and what was that? Could it be love?
"YOU – BLOODY – GIT!" yelled Tonks, punctuating each word with a punch against his chest.
Remus mouthed wordlessly at her before sending Molly a startled glance. Molly merely shrugged with an amused look on her face in return. Hopelessly lost, Remus looked back toward Tonks. She almost felt bad for the man – completely confused and clueless – but then she remembered what he had done and just how angry she was.
"What?" he finally managed.
"You!" She poked him in the chest.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know what I've done to infuriate you so…"
"You don't know what you've done?" she asked incredulously. "Remus, that's the thing – you've done absolutely nothing!"
"And that is wrong?"
"I thought you might've been attacked!" she cried. "Do you know what it feels like not knowing if the person you love is still alive? I've been worried sick about you for hours and you don't even have the bloody decency to at least owl just to say you're all right!"
"I'm sorry, Tonks, but I was under the impression that I was supposed to check in with Arthur, not you," he said with a hint of bitterness.
"I know," she replied, hardly above a whisper. "I just thought you'd check in with me because – well... never mind..."
He inhaled deeply, a slight frown on his face as he studied her. "I did not know... that you would be so concerned..."
"Of course I would! You're quite daft sometimes," she mumbled, settling against his chest again. "Did you know that?"
"I have been told so much, on an occasion or two," he admitted teasingly. Tonks blinked rapidly against the tears in her eyes. After the night's events, the combined effect of their familiar, light banter and his steady hand on her shoulder was almost too much to bear.
Molly cleared her throat and Tonks blushed as she lifted her head to look at the other witch. "Well, I assume Remus will keep you occupied now," she said, looking between the two of them with a hint of amusement in her eyes. "Plus, Arthur must be back by now…?"
"Just before I left, he said he would not be much longer," Remus confirmed.
Molly nodded at them. "I'll be off then. Thanks for keeping me company, Tonks. Now, I trust that you'll let Remus sleep soon."
"Of course."
She fixed Tonks with a skeptical look before Disapparating, leaving Tonks feeling strangely nervous under Remus' gaze. Tonks idly picked at a thread on the hem of his robes before pulling back slightly to look at his face. His hands grazed the length of her arms as he took a few steps backward until he was leaning against the cold, stone wall.
"My apologies, Tonks, but I am feeling rather tired, so if you don't mind..."
"Walk me home," she blurted, completely disregarding his previous statement.
"I don't think that's particularly a good idea," said Remus carefully.
"It's dangerous for me to be going alone to my flat this late."
"You could Apparate."
"I could Apparate right into a trap, completely unaware of the dangers surrounding me…"
"I've a feeling you could handle it, Tonks. You are an Auror, after all," Remus reminded her wryly.
"Remus, can't you just accept that a woman wants you to walk her home?" she exclaimed.
There was a smile on his face, but sincerity quickly washed over his features, leaving him looking only resigned and regretful. "I don't think that would be a good idea."
"No, I suppose not. That's never stopped me before, though."
"Look – I'll just be going back underground in the morning, nothing has changed… I still cannot – " He sighed, running his fingers though his graying hair – "It still won't work."
"It's not that it won't work… it's that you won't let it."
"We cannot keep having this same conversation."
She smiled wryly. "I don't know; I am pretty stubborn."
"Please, Dora," he croaked. "Please don't make this harder, for either of us."
She looked into his eyes and saw the desperation there. It was obvious that his very soul was battling between what he believed was right and what he wanted. He was being so ridiculous – why couldn't he see that every time he pushed her away, he hurt her just a little more? But she wasn't going to give up on him; she could never give up. After all, she was an Auror and, as he continually reminded her, she was a damn stubborn one, at that.
"I know you're going to leave again," Tonks whispered. "I just want to spend some time with you… just a little time with you before you go. Can't you just give me that? Please?"
Remus sighed and she watched triumphantly as his face clouded over with emotion. Slowly, very slowly, he met her eyes, her plea momentarily prevailing over his internal battle. "All right," he replied tightly. "But we're Apparating to your flat together, I will be taking one look around your flat for any signs of –" He rolled his eyes – "danger, and then I am leaving."
Tonks nodded curtly, trying desperately to hide her smile. "All right," she said, before hooking her arm around his waist a bit tighter than necessary and Disapparating.
They re-appeared a few blocks down from her flat. Disoriented, Remus looked around for a few moments before fixing her with a confused glance. "Err, this isn't your flat."
"No..." Just a year ago, this would have been the perfect time to include a jab at Remus' ability to point out the obvious… but not now, not anymore. "Can't Apparate inside. New security measures for all members of the Order."
"Oh," he said, wearily passing a hand over his face. "I guess I've been away longer than I realized."
"You'll catch up."
He began to walk in the direction of her flat and, after a moment, Tonks joined him, swinging her arms slightly at her sides. The rhythmic sounds of the souls of their shoes crunching against the pavement lulled Tonks into a dream-like state. As they walked along the darkened street, she imagined that she hadn't guilted Remus into taking her home. She allowed herself to believe, just for a few moments, that they were returning from a date, that he would kiss her goodnight at the door and perhaps she would even work up the courage to invite Remus inside with the promise of tea and a tour of the flat he'd already seen on numerous occasions.
But then she found herself staring at her door, holding back tears as disappointment flooded her. With a sigh, she tapped her wand against the door, unlocking it, and he followed her inside the darkened foyer. With a flourish of her wand, the room filled with light and they both were forced to blink against the sudden brightness. Wordlessly, Remus swooped through the living room, glanced in the tiny kitchen, and checked inside all the closets of her bedroom before returning to her.
"All clear."
"Good. That's good. Thank you." He nodded in response. "Would you like some tea? Coffee? Cake?"
"No. That's very kind of you, Tonks, but I should, ah –" He gestured toward the door - "Go."
"Right. No, right, I know… just one more thing?"
"What?"
She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against his lips. It was just a simple, chaste embrace, a way for her to feel his skin against hers again. She could disagree with his reasoning until there were no longer any words to say, but she knew she had to respect his wishes... at least for the time being, until she could think of a way to get Remus past his anxieties.
Tonks wasn't surprised when he quickly pulled away, looking stunned, but she let out a gasp when his hands snaked around her waist as he walked her against the door. He only gave her a moment to register the look of pure desire written plainly on his face - the look that his skillful façade had, for so long, concealed from even her, the one living soul who knew him as well as he knew himself - before smothering her lips with his own.
While the other kisses they'd shared in the past had been passionate, filled with bittersweet longing, this one was different – completely different – and it stole Tonks' breath away. Never had she experienced such intensity. It was an embrace filled with sorrow and pain and desperation, and she could almost taste his love for her when his tongue slipped beyond her lips. His hands traveled from her waist up, palms grazing her ribcage and the sides of her breasts, before settling on her face, cupping her flushed cheeks softly.
In turn, Tonks' hands traveled down his shoulders on their own accord, finding their way to the buttons of his robes and trying to undo them. After a clumsy first attempt, she had finally popped two of the buttons when she felt Remus pull away with much effort. Although she was disappointed, the rational side knew that it was for the best – that making love now would only cause his absence in her life to hurt more. He leaned his forehead against hers, staring into the depths of her eyes as they flickered from blue to that startlingly dull gray that bore an uncanny resemblance to Sirius'. Remus' breathing sent erratic puffs of air against her face and she waited unflinchingly for his next move.
"Why do you do this to me?" he asked through gritted teeth, but she could tell by the way his eyes shut tightly and his face contorted in pain that he wasn't blaming her. He was blaming himself for not being able to fight against his feelings, for not putting Tonks' well being first. But didn't he know – couldn't he tell – that no matter what he did, she would still be hopelessly in love?
After a moment, he opened his eyes, fixing them upon her. "Is it true, what you said?"
"What?"
"What you said earlier, at Headquarters… is it true that…" He took a deep, steadying breath. "Is it true that you love me?"
She looked straight into his stormy eyes and knew that he would leave, no matter the answer. In fact, she realized that the truth would probably give him even more of a reason to keep her at arm's distance. But he had to know; she had to tell him, in the hopes that maybe, maybe, she would be able to get on with her life. Not get over him – that would never happen, she was sure of it – but at least maybe she could gain control over her life again. Maybe.
"Yes," she replied.
"You shouldn't."
"It wasn't a choice."
He sighed. "I know… I just… wish it didn't have to be this way. If I were younger -"
"If you weren't a dark creature... I know, Remus. Believe me, I know."
He had only explained his reasons to her twice before, but she had replayed their few conversations so often in her mind over the past few months that it felt as if he had let her down a million times already.
"I should go."
Tonks nodded, exhausted from her earlier anxiety and from trying to stay composed in front of Remus when all she wanted to do was collapse in his arms. Once more, she buried herself against his chest, his spicy scent filling her nostrils, soothing her mind. She wondered how long she would have to replay this particular memory before seeing him again and creating a new one.
"Goodbye, Remus," she whispered.
She couldn't tear her eyes from his figure as he opened the door, but then he stopped and turned to face her again. "For what it's worth… I love you, too."
She studied his face and noted the bruises that were beginning to show beneath a fading cover-up spell; the bags under his eyes; the way his robes hung loosely on his tall form. They were all tokens of those past few taxing months, she supposed. And then she was left alone in her flat, staring at the door, chipped white paint and all, as it creaked closed again.
Fin