The Persistence of Memory
By
Deborah J. Brown

A Wild Arms III Alternate Universe story: Wild Arms III is copyrighted to RPG Dreamers and Sony.

Chapter 6: Past Pains, Future Fears

The horse beneath Janus shifted nervously, its tail flicking a fly away from its rump. He really didn't know why he was waiting. One traveled faster than five, especially when one of that five had places to go and people to be. It would be easier, he thought, to just run off. He had a human form again, had as much of a life as he was likely to have. He could leave Virginia and her concerns for him behind, could escape the memories that seemed only to bring him more pain.

He could. He didn't want to. He'd been alone in a crowd, the only one with any memories whatsoever of the past except for three mad beings masquerading as formerly respected masters. Even his creator had been changed, become the man that he strongly suspected Pete had wanted to be. He'd accepted it, let the Prophets convince him that there was no choice in the matter, and had even befriended the man Pete had become. They'd been partners, helping the Prophets' plans and slowly being twisted up inside by the betrayals that had required. He couldn't quite remember what had happened next, but he knew losing Pete's new self had been the final straw for him, the last shove over the precipice into amorality.

Despite that past, though, he was becoming friends with these four. Though still something of an outsider to the group, they'd accepted his presence without complaint and treated him as an equal. Somehow, he simply couldn't let go of that easily. "Took you long enough t'catch up," he told Virginia mildly as she brought her horse to a halt beside his.

She sighed. "My horse was in a mood. He wanted to play." Janus knew perfectly well that she'd delayed on purpose, giving him a moment to recover from the latest set of memories he'd absorbed. "Are you all right? Ka Dingel had to have been hard on you."

"Well now, I won't say I'm feeling one hundred percent. Getting beat up by a girl was bad enough. Getting turned into a demon" Janus rubbed at his chest ruefully and shoved those thoughts aside. Instead, he looked out onto the grassy plain that had somehow survived Yggdrassil's crash. It wasn't a hundred percent, either. The thick grass that had come up to his waist was gone, leaving behind a short, tough, scrub grass that - while attractive - held nothing of the beauty that had been. To their south, sunlight gleamed gold upon the sea of sand, flickering light reminiscent of the sea that had been there long ago. If he squinted he could almost see the past. Almost. "Guess it's time to look at the map again. Decide where to go next."

To his surprise, Virginia put a hand on his arm. Shook her head. "Janus, this isn't making you any stronger than you were. It's tearing you apart." At his expression she tried to smile and failed. "Please. The only memories we know how to find are the ones where you and I fought. We already know about that."

It seemed impossible to disagree and he was too stubborn to accept. "What's the matter, Ginny? Afraid I'll revert?"

.oOo.

It was becoming easier and easier to predict. Those moments when Janus felt pressured, uncertain or outright scared. Virginia glanced back at Ka Dingel, remembering his desperate effort to keep her from seeing just how much the memories left there had hurt him. Those particular bits of his Self were from the moment the Prophets had sacrificed him to their plans, had made him into the demon that still hid within his cells. She couldn't blame him for hurting and she said as much, ignoring his question.

Startled eyes glanced her way, then quickly hid their vulnerability by rolling with overdone impatience. She couldn't blame him for that either. His life, lately, had to feel rather like a mine cart without a driver, rising and falling and completely out of control. If there was anything she knew about Janus, it was that he hated not being in control of the situation. "Or did you like it?" she asked, carefully keeping her eyes ahead of them. "It turned you into something powerful, made you nearly invincible. Practically a God."

He made a peculiar sound, half frustration, half amusement. "How do you do that?" At her curious expression, he continued, "Your the most naïve woman I ever met, and I've met a few in my time. Even if I don't remember them."

"And?" They'd already established that Virginia was naïve, so she saw no point in fighting over it further.

"Yet you still manage to figure me out when I can't figure myself out." Janus sighed, looking at her. "Yeah, it was a rush. Right then, it felt like I could do anything. Like I could take on the world, even the Prophets, and make it be what I wanted it to be. I was wrong."

Turning to look at him, Virginia asked, "I won't argue if you want to keep this up," she told him. "I still think it's only going to hurt you. And it isn't just because I'm afraid you'll revert. I am, but I'm going to trust you." At his raised brow, she smacked him. "But not any further than I can throw you, Cascade. You go all megalomaniac on us again, I'll personally turn you back to your component nano-machines and toss you in the Abyss."

He started to laugh, her glare only making him laugh harder. "There is no talking to you," she grumbled. "Let's go to the inn and decide where to go next."

.oOoOoOo.

Clive's map of Filgaia was so big it had to be propped open with four beer mugs. At its center was the Inner Sea, dwarfed by the sheer size of the map and the other land masses. Clive's traced their travels since leaving Little Twister. "We've been to the Unclean Mark, Lunatic Garden, Serpent's Coils and Ka Dingel. The only other places we've met Janus are the Jolly Roger, Ruins of Memory, the Sand Canal, Fortune Gear and Infinitum."

"Boot Hill," Janus corrected. "And the train where we first met." He paused, "Though I don' think we'd get much from that. Anything of me from that meeting is probably scattered hither and yon." The memory was strangely precious to him, that moment when he'd first seen Virginia and been both awed and enraged by the innocence and determination of the rookie Drifter. "Which is a pity, because I think that was one of m' favorite memories." He laughed, "Well, that and watching you take on the Guardians. Don't mind saying I was sort of rooting for you."

All four of the others made a startled noise and he frowned. "What?"

"You were there? When we were tested?" Virginia stared at him, her blue eyes bewildered. He didn't know why she was so surprised. Surely she'd known he was there, watching them from the heights. She had to be, right? It was the only way he'd have those memories. The realization hit him as Virginia said, "I didn't know you were watching us. And we haven't been there since we met you. Unless you had been there before that?"

It was such a tiny thing, a memory that - if he were simply a clone picking up old memories as he went along - should not have been his. As tiny and fragile as the flowers that Virginia's mother had favored. Tiny, fragile and at the same time the source of hope. Janus looked at the others. "I wasn't," he said finally. Then he smiled, "You know, I don't think we need to be getting' any more bits and pieces of me right now."

Virginia blinked at him and he continued, "Your right, Ginny m'love. Every one of those bits we know of were from times when we were hurting each other. I got enough memory of 'em to know that. I don't need more of the same to know about that."

Big hands tugged at long, wavy locks as Gallows glared at Janus. "Then why the hell have we been running around all over the place visiting old territory?"

"Just lucky, I guess," Jet answered dryly. "Whatsa matter, Gallows? Homesick?"

Rather to Janus' surprise, the big Baskar paused. Frowned. "Y'know, that isn't a bad idea, actually." At the other's confused looks, he explained, "Granny might have some thoughts on the matter. Not to mention little brother. We always went to them when things were confused. Maybe that's what we should be doing now?"

Virginia summed up Janus' - and most likely the others thoughts for them - putting a hand on her large companion's arm. "Gallows, that's the best idea you've had all week."

The Baskar shaman looked like he wasn't sure if that was an insult or a compliment.

.oOoOoOo.

"Sit still."

"That hurts!"

"The more you wiggle around, the more it's going to hurt. Now sit still."

Virginia forced back a grin as she watched Gallows' grandmother march slowly around Janus. The pale haired Drifter was sitting uncomfortably in the center of the room, eyeing the old woman as she moved, flinching every time she poked him with her stick and muttered some words. Little flares of magical energy would accompany those pokes, though, so Virginia was fairly sure that Granny wasn't - entirely - doing so to be irritating.

At last the old woman stopped and stepped back. "Well, that's about it." She walked over to the edges of the chalk circle she'd drawn around Janus. "He's about as alien to our kind as the Elw were. In the opposite way." It took Virginia a moment to remember the story she'd been told about the Elw, about how the natives to this world had fought with the humans who had come later and had finally become allies, but too late to prevent the world's slow decay. They were part of Filgaia, unlike the nano-machines that made up Janus' body.

Virginia couldn't help but sympathizing with Janus' grumble, "We told you that." Her new companion climbed to his feet and brushed off his pant legs before leaning against a wall and watching the old woman. "That's not why we're here."

"What do you want me to do, boy? Wave my staff and make you human? You're as human as you're going to be. Plenty human enough to live in this world." The old woman stopped fussing with the by now cleaned up chalk and glared up at Janus. "You don't need my permission to be alive. Go out and live. Enjoy it. Stay out of trouble for once."

The protest escaped Virginia's lips before she could stop it. "But what about the other Janus?"

"What about him. Let him go do what he wants. Deal with him if he bothers you. Haven't you children had enough yet?" Somehow the question seemed unfair, considering that everything they'd been through until then had been partly at her instigation. "Aren't you tired of being tricked?"

"You're the one that's afraid, aren't you?" Virginia demanded, suddenly understanding. "You're afraid that anything you or Shane see of the future will be another Dream demon trying to manipulate you."

Oddly, it was Janus who came to the old woman's defense. "You can hardly blame her. Look at what nearly happened. Clive told me all about Beatrice. Told me all about how she used everyone. No one wants something like that to happen again. Not even the Prophets. Not even Siegfried."

It was all wrong, yet articulating what was wrong about it seemed impossible. Still, Virginia had to try. "If Granny hadn't sent us out at all then the Prophets would have won. Siegfried would have turned this planet into a war machine. Sure, we were manipulated. Sure, Beatrice could have destroyed everything in her desire to recreate the world in her image."

Two pairs of eyes watched Virginia, neither owner speaking, both waiting for her to come to some conclusion. "But we can't live our lives doing only the same safe things. We can't stand at the precipice, unable or unwilling to choose another path away from it and too scared to take a step forward and fly. You two can hide in a cave if you want. I have better things to do with my life."

.oOo.

Very slowly, Janus clapped his hands. It was a talent, he reflected. That ability to face the unknown and be willing to leap into it, trusting fate, trusting self. Burned and burned again, but still leaping into that fire without thought. Without fear. How can she bear to?

Virginia's cheeks were bright red but there was determination in her expression that said that, no matter how he responded, she had made her choices. Naïve, trusting and ultimately, everything that had been taken from him. And everything I desire. He couldn't speak, not without showing her how strongly he felt that, afraid to lose her by one wrong word.

"I know," she said quietly. "I'm too innocent. Too ignorant of the world. I don't understand and in a lot of ways I don't want to. I can't make the world in my image. I don't think I should. But I don't want to give up what's most valuable to me, my ability to trust, just because there are people I can't trust out there. Remember what I said before, Janus? You don't have to be all selfish or all selfless? Well you don't have to be all trusting or all distrusting, either."

There was a moment of silence and Janus was almost sure that everything he felt, everything he wanted most was written clear on his face. "You're right. You are too innocent." Before she could protest angrily, he added, "But you know? I've already tried another path down from the precipice. I don't have wings. So this time, I guess I'll just have to borrow yours." He turned to look at Gallows' grandmother, ignoring Virginia's startled expression. "In any case, it seems you have a problem. Care to explain?"

The old woman's eyes narrowed as she gazed at Janus, as if she were trying to make him uncomfortable enough to drop the subject. The trouble was, she wasn't his grandma and he didn't have any training that had taught him to respect the elderly, so he just gazed back at her, raising his eyebrows and waiting. Two can play this game, Granny.

At last, with a sigh, Granny said, "Shane won't dreamsee anymore. He's afraid of being manipulated again. My own abilities aren't strong enough anymore - I'm too old. I can sense something wrong but no details." She sat on a nearby rock and shook her head. "It's a small thing right now, but so was the Prophets' experiment. Filgaia is afraid, but she is not sure what it is she fears."

Determination filled Virginia's voice as she spoke. "Then we need to talk to Shane."

.oOo.

"I'm telling you, I can't!"

Gallows' little brother was pacing up and down in the tiny living area of their house, his pale blue eyes scared and unhappy, the dark circles under them stark against the pallor of his skin. His arms were wrapped around his skinny frame and he was refusing to meet anyone's eyes, refusing to let even his brother touch him.

"Shane," Virginia began, but Gallows stopped her. At his questioning look, she nodded. This was more his area of expertise than hers, after all.

Taking Shane by the arm, Gallows forced the boy to sit down and sat on the floor beside the small shaman. "Shane," he said softly. "Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. Are your dreams telling you something terrible? You look like you haven't been sleeping well."

"NO!" Shane shook his head. Shuddered. "No," he said more quietly. Then, tone ashamed, "I'm not dreaming at all. I haven't dreamed since you destroyed Beatrice. No prophecies. No warnings. No dreams whatsoever. Not even real dreams."

Dark eyes frowning, Gallows eyed his brother. "Can't? Or won't?" The question surprised Virginia. Not because it was something she wouldn't have asked. She already suspected she knew what was wrong. No, it surprised her that it was Gallows asking. Thinking about it, though, it occurred to her that Gallows' talents were more on the intuitive side. It made sense. He always did lead with his heart.

Again the boy shuddered. Then he sighed. "I screwed it all up. If I hadn't let Her trick me"

"She tricked older and wiser heads than yours, kid," Janus pointed out in a tone that sounded like he was trying to be comforting, "Bryant wasn't an idiot and he still betrayed Yggdrassil and the Council to obey her." Shane shot him an agonized look and Gallows glared at him. "Uh. I'll shut up now."

"Good idea, Janus," Gallows growled at him. "Let me handle this." He turned back to his brother and said quietly. "Yeah. She tricked you. She tricked us all. But you know, even if you hadn't listened to her, she would have found another way to put a spoke in the Prophets' wheel. We might never have been involved at all and we'd never have had a chance to stop her. She used us all as her weapons and we turned in her hand. You included."

Virginia nodded to herself as Shane's expression relaxed. She'd been right in thinking Gallows could handle the boy. His little brother looked small and fragile and, physically, he was. But beneath that apparent weakness was a strong spirited young man who chafed at his bonds and longed for adventure. Janus' attempt at kindness hadn't helped because, to Shane, it was too close to the coddling he must feel he got entirely too much of.

"I I did dream a few things a week or so back," Shane admitted. "It scared me, so I fought them. He looked at Virginia. "A dragon. A dragon burning a garden. But that's impossible. There's no garden like that in the world." At Virginia's puzzled expression, he continued, "It was full of plants, all flourishing. Plants don't grow that way anymore. It was something beautiful and it was being destroyed."

The realization hit hard. Shane was wrong, there was a garden of the sort he described. One such garden left in all the world. Florina's garden, in its tiny corner of the world. She looked at the others, fear rising. As Jet ran out the door, she and her old companions followed behind, barely keeping up.

Behind them, Janus called out plaintively, "Hey? Where are you going? Hey!"

.oOoOoOo.

"so you see, we have to get there. Maybe we'll be too late, but that garden is one of the only things that might help save Filgaia."

Janus tightened his knees as his horse leapt over the chasm. He couldn't even pretend to understand the situation. He did, however, have faith in Virginia's ability to find people who needed her to save them. It was, he thought, a talent of hers. Too, even if he didn't understand how such a garden could exist, he did understand its significance. Trouble was, there was a faint scent on the air that he didn't like. The acrid scent of very distant smoke. "How far away is this garden," he demanded as they galloped around an impossibly thick forest.

Clive glanced his way. "About ten miles," he answered. "And yes, I know what that means." He sniffed the air, then shook his head. "We may be too late, Virginia. Jet! Slow down, you'll injure your horse."

The call was useless. For some reason Jet seemed to take the danger to the garden and its young mistress personally. He hadn't stopped his headlong race for a moment since they'd left the Baskar colony. By now he was far ahead of them, quite likely too far for him to hear Clive at all.

With a shrug, Janus spurred his horse again, keeping the animal moving. There obviously was no point in trying to talk to the kid. "Just ride," he said coolly. "He isn't listening."

They raced along, wind tearing at them, and the smell grew stronger. An ugly, bitter smell that mixed - oddly - with other, more pleasant odors that reminded Janus of the scent of the Baskar Shamans' incense. Beneath that, though, was another odor. The scent of burning fuel. Virginia made a startled sound and he glanced her way.

"Now I understand," she whispered. "Shane said it was a dragon that attacked the garden. That smells like Lombardia's flames. But why why would she"

With a shrug, Janus jumped his horse over a swath of charred ground. There was no smoke left, which meant the attack had been a bit ago, a week perhaps? "No idea, Princess. Let's cross that bridge when we come to it." The damage was getting worse as they closed in on the garden. It was impossible now to avoid and Janus hoped the ground was stable. Last thing he needed was for the animal to falter.

Then they reached an impossibility. Right at the center of the horrifically burned landscape was a building. Surrounded by a circle of greenery, it gleamed like a jewel amid the scorched earth. At the center, two figures stood beside a flourishing garden. Jet and a small blonde girl wearing a demure dress and a straw hat. Jet was holding her by the shoulders, looking into her eyes. At their approach, both stopped and looked at the others.

Janus brought his horse to a halt. "Marielle?" he said, disbelievingly.

.oOo.

"Marielle?" The name startled Virginia. She could vaguely remember reading a book about the Elws, however, as well as the name of the last of those mythic creatures. She wanted to protest that the girl's name was Florina but it suddenly made sense. Her skill with plants. Her seeming attraction to Jet. The Elw were close to the earth, nearer to it than any other living thing on Filgaia except perhaps Jet. She would have sensed his nature, even when he hadn't known it himself.

The girl pushed Jet behind her, expression stern, the grimmest Virginia had ever seen it. Nor could the young Drifter blame her. Florina, or Marielle if that really was whom she was, must have had a terrible time. "Are you all right?"

Ignoring Virginia, Marielle gazed levelly at Janus. "Haven't you done enough damage here? Didn't you learn your lesson?" As they all stared at her, she raised her hand, a pale green glow forming around it. "Shall I teach it to you again, monster?"

She didn't even have to stop to think about it. Virginia spurred her horse forward to block whatever it was Marielle planned to do. "Get out of the way!" Two voices spoke simultaneously. Marielle's and, from behind Virginia, Janus'. "Don't protect that thing!" "I don't need you to protect me."

Feeling as grim as Marielle, Virginia shook her head. Behind her, Janus was trying to move his horse so that she was no longer shielding him. At the same time Marielle was trying to get around so she had a better shot or whatever. Looking at the landscape, Virginia was pretty sure that the Elw girl could hurt Janus badly, considering that she was apparently strong enough to fight off the dragon that had attacked her land. "Stop it. Both of you."

"He destroyed acres of land. Centuries of effort. He would have destroyed my garden if I hadn't stopped him." Marielle moved again and Virginia shifted her horse to keep Janus blocked from her view. "Girl, why do you protect him. Don't you have any idea what he is?"

"I know exactly what he is. He didn't do this." Virginia was beginning to realize what must have happened. "There's another one of him out there. We don't know which one's the real one, if either are, but this Janus Cascade is not the one who attacked you. He's been with us all this time."

Jet put a hand on Marielle's shoulder. "Florina, she's telling the truth. Even if you don't trust him, and Guardians know you have no reason to, trust us. Trust me."

For a moment Virginia thought the Elw would push Jet aside and ignore him. Then she sighed. "Come inside. We will talk."

.oOo.

Janus shifted uncomfortably, very aware of the dislike with which the Elw girl was regarding him. Even being told the story of their recent adventures, Marielle wasn't - quite - willing to warm to him. Not that he blamed her, considering what that other Janus Cascade had done to her.

"I had had dealings with him before, when he was helping the Council. He had been trustworthy enough then, for all his alien nature. I did not know he had changed." Marielle glanced Janus' way then looked back at Virginia. "He came with Lombardia, who had been your trusted companion against Siegfried and against Beatrice. I thought him your friend."

Biting at the tip of a gloved finger thoughtfully, Virginia gazed off into space. "You fought him off a week ago, you said. And Dario and Romero said that they met him - sick or injured - in Laxisland. You must have hurt him."

Janus couldn't help but push Virginia's hand away from her mouth. "Stop that," he told her. "It's childish." He turned his attention to Marielle, ignoring Virginia's grumble. "Did he just go off and attack or did he have some point to being here?" He was betting on the latter, pointless violence of this sort would have been noticed by a lot more people, especially when one considered that his other Self apparently had control of one of the most powerful weapons on Filgaia. That and, if the other one really was Janus, or even an incomplete copy, pointless violence wasn't their style.

Tones cool, Marielle kept her eyes on Virginia as she answered Janus' question. "He wished my entire crop. Everything that I had grown and stored since you had helped me find those lost plants. When I refused, he ordered Lombardia to attack."

Virginia's fingers rose towards her mouth before she glanced at Janus and lowered them. A quick glare at Clive followed, for the big man was fighting down a grin. "You be quiet," she told him before asking, "How did he get control of Lombardia, I wonder? And how can we free her? I can't imagine her wanting to do something like this."

The idea that a creature built for war might not want to fight ought to have been a difficult one to wrap one's mind around, but somehow, Janus understood it. Everything Virginia had told him about the metal dragon had made it clear that - after centuries of being only a tool, a weapon - Lombardia had wanted nothing more than to live quietly and at peace with the world. He felt a certain sympathy with that sentiment. It wasn't that he didn't want to fight anymore, but that he didn't want to be anyone's tool ever again. "Maybe there's a chance we can break her free of him, then. If she isn't a willing participant."

Apparently his proposal startled Virginia. "Are you saying we should rescue her? You?" He wasn't sure if he were more amused or hurt by the implication of her question and his wry smile seemed to make Virginia realize how little faith she was showing in him. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's a reasonable reaction. I'm still a pretty selfish bastard. And I'm not being selfless in this anyway," Janus grinned at her, deciding to be amused because he didn't want to examine his feelings too deeply. Virginia had already gotten entirely to far under his skin for his comfort. He leaned back. "Lombardia's the biggest, meanest n' most powerful dragon on Filgaia. Now part of that's 'cause she's the only dragon on Filgaia. On the other hand, she wouldn't be the last survivor if she weren't stronger than the rest."

"Granted," Clive agreed. "So you're worried that the other Janus will use her as a weapon? I think you're right." He leaned forward in his chair and looked at Virginia, "Leader, he may force us to hurt Lombardia. Even kill her. Yet we should still go. It is obvious that he is planning something and I don't think it's to anyone's benefit."

"Except his own," Jet said quietly.

To Be Continued...