Incomplete
I knew being in a relationship with you wasn't going to be easy. I knew it, yet I tried to keep it going, despite all of the unanswered questions. I tried to ignore everything you never told me. It was hard, but I was able to deal with it. Sure it broke me inside to pretend I was okay, but I did it for you. How you managed to smile through all the pain you were going through, I'll never know. But still, I wish you would've let me go through it with you. Why couldn't I be like you? So I kept a smile plastered on my face and soon I feel for my own facade, but you didn't. You wouldn't. You always were able to notice things that people wouldn't. You noticed things nobody could, said what others couldn't. I respected you for it because I knew I would never have the guts to do anything like it. So, even though I believed everything was fine, you knew better. You told me what you saw under the smile and I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want us to end, I loved you! At least, I think I did. But what was I supposed to do next? I had just spent the last few years of my life with you. What was going to happen to me? How would I function without you?
For the first few months after it ended I put up a wall. Again I pretended things were okay. With you the only problem I had was you being distant, keeping me from knowing what was hurting you. Now there was no cure for it. You and I weren't anymore. So, I did the only logical thing I could think of at the time. I pretended you were only a figment of my imagination. I pretending like the last few years of my life were nothing more than a confusing dream I had about one of my old schoolmates. But the more I tried to carry on, the harder it became to actually do so. After a few months of pretending my world came crashing down and I could do little more than lay in my bed praying for the pain to go away. Hoping against all hopes that this was only a silly joke you pulled on me for some opposite...something. Maybe, possibly you was in her flat waiting for me. Wondering what I had been doing for the last few months away from you without sending as much as an owl to tell you where I was. I knew I was stupid for thinking something like that, but it kept me going for a while. I didn't know how I was going to move on from you. You were my love, my life, my everything. Nobody ever came close to you in my mind. You were the only one that ever mattered.
In my head I knew I was crazy, knew I shouldn't do it...but I did. I sent you an owl. I didn't need to mention that my feelings for you were still strong, you would know. It would be too obvious to you since you've always been outstanding at reading between the lines to get the deeper meaning. You got it alright, and didn't try to conceal anything like I did in my letter. You apologized for the hasty break up and told me that I wasn't ready for you and didn't think I ever would be. You even wrote "Love, Luna" at the bottom of it. I knew you still loved me but did you have to write it? It only gave me false hope! Because you never use to L-word lightly, even to sign letters. So again I went into denial and made up a bunch of hidden meanings for your letter. Maybe you thought you messed up in breaking up with me. Maybe you were waiting for me to make the first move to bring us back together. I knew you knew we had something going on. It lasted three years (not including the times before we were living together)!
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was crazy. It was obvious you still loved me, but not in the way I wanted you to. I knew it was over, but I didn't want it to be. There was still a tiny speck of hope that we'd get back together and forget all of this. It was foolish, I know. I wanted desperately to get over you, but it was so hard! I didn't know how to go about it. I still don't really. A year's past since we broke it off, well you broke it off, and I still find myself drifting back to thoughts of you. Still loving you, forgiving you for causing me all of this pain. I have heard a lot that you never really get over your first love. I believe they were right.
Incomplete