Author's Note: This contains an extreme amount of HP fanfiction cliches and is not to be taken seriously whatsoever! Cliches include, but are not limited to: Draco the manwhore, MPreg, everyone's gay at Hogwarts, everyone gets oads of arse at Hogwarts, Mary Sue-ish OCs abound, extremely OOC Voldemort, veela!Draco, etc...

Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom

Draco Malfoy stood before his wardrobe, pondering just which pair of leather trousers he was going to wear to Hogsmeade that day. Sure, they all looked the same--but that wasn't the point. There was his shagging pair, the pair he only wore if he were out for a good shag, there was his dating pair, you know--the pair he wore on dates (which didn't happen often as Draco liked his women--and his men--fast and no strings attached), and a whole host of other pairs for various events. After many minutes' speculation, Draco picked up his favorite pair--black, sleek, and perfectly arse-hugging. Draco smiled smugly to himself as he considered all of the various appointments he had set up for the day. Oh, yes. This Hogsmeade trip was going to be fun.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle, Harry performed a silencing spell on Ron's bed as Ron sat propped against the pillows, white as a sheet.

"What if someone walks in?" he whispered. Harry shrugged. He hadn't actually thought that far yet. "Well, we'd better hurry up, people are starting to set off to Hogsme-" Ron was cut off by Harry's mouthupon his, and Ron decided that this was a lot better than talking. He wrapped his arms and Harry's waist to bring him closer, and Harry brought his hands up to tangle his fingers in Ron's red locks. Ron ran his tongue over Harry's lips, and he opened them with a sigh and brought his--

"Oi, Ron! Harry! You comin' or not?" Seamus yelled from the doorway.

"Bloody hell!" Ron yelled, pushing Harry out through the curtains and zipping up his trousers, which had mysteriously come undone during the snogging session. Seamus looked confused.

"What were you guys doing in there?" Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

"Studying," Harry said.

"Playing Exploding Snap," Ron said, at the same time. Seamus looked at the two of them suspiciously, but shrugged it off and headed towards the Common Room.

Ron expelled a sigh of relief. "I knew we were going to get caught!"he yelled. "I knew it! I told you, didn't I?"

"Seamus is kind of cute, don't you think?" Harry said after a few seconds, completely changing the subject.

"What? Argh--Harry!"

Draco stood by the Shrieking Shack, smiling from the excellent snog (plus a little more) that he'd just had with that Ravenclaw girl--what was her name? MandyBrocklesomething.Ah, bugger it. It wasn't as though he was ever going to see her again, anyway. He was just about to go back to the Three Broomsticks to meet up with his next appointment when he saw Ron and Hermione ambling their way towards him, completely oblivious to Draco's presence.He was sickened, and he wished they would take their disgusting lovefest elsewhere. It's not that Granger isn't attractive, Draco thought, Merlin knows she's certainly filled out over the summer...and she had. Draco'd decided that he would've wanted a go at her if she wasn't a filthy Mudblood. And then there was that incompetent Weasley...while redheads weren't his taste, he definitely wasn't hideous...Draco sighed and cleared his throat when the two lovebirds threatened to step on his expensive new shoes.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Weasel and the Mudblood. Off to go make the Shrieking Shack really shriek?" Draco paused to chuckle at his own delightful sense of humour, and then quickly shut up. Merlin, he was becoming more and more of a queen by the second. Hermione rolled her eyes as Ron lunged for him.

"Oh, just ignore him, Ron. Besides, I took tai kwan doe over the summer, I could probably take him out loads better than you could." Draco snorted. No wonder she was so...built. Ron turned red from the tips of his hair downwards, which Draco decided wasn't a wholly unattractive look.

"You know, Weasley," he drawled, "if you didn't spend all of your time with Mudbloods, we could go investigate the... Shack." Draco turned a little so that the Weasel got a nice view of his arse.

"Er...I...er, what I mean is, er," Ron stammered. "I'm not a pouf!" Draco laughed.

"Who said I was?" Hermione stepped forward.

"Malfoy,sod off. You're being ridiculous, and you'd better stop before I reenact a particular incident fromour third year. Surely you rememberthat?"

Draco paled and turned back around, hiding his face from view. Damn her, that Mudblood wench! Damn her to hell! "It's really quite a shame that the only person who'll ever be stupid enough to want you is the Weasel, Granger." But before Ron had a chance to attack, Harry decided to make an appearance.

Harry'sinsides burned at seeing Ron's hand around Hermione's waist, and he knew the only reason Ron was letting Harry snog him was because he wasn't getting any from Hermione. But the burning in his insides soon melted as he took in Draco in that fabulous pair of leather trousers. Harry gulped and was very glad that he had chosen to wear his robes today, because his trousers were becoming increasingly tight.

Draco rolled his eyes. Oh, fantastic, it was the Boy-Who-Lived come to save him from buggering Ron up the bumhole. Not that he would have done it, anyway, he was just trying to have a bit of fun with the attractive little redhead. Draco snickered. Judging by the size of those feet, Ron was anything but little. Draco then noticed that Harry's green eyes had become dreamy as he stared at the Slytherin, and he smiled. Oh, the joys of being part-veela, he thought with a sigh. The fact that he was part-veela wasn't something Draco liked to tell often--he certainly didn't want anyone to know that he'd had a little genetic help in the girls-getting area of things.

He paused to look at Harry some more. Now that Draco thought about it, Harry was actually quite attractive, what with his sparkling green eyes and Quidditch-toned muscles...and as far as he knew, completely without a romantic attachment. Not that Draco had any qualms about shagging people already in relationships. It was just that it was between Harry and Ron, and Harry didn't come with an annoying (but attractive) Mudblood attachment.

"D-D-Draco," Harry stammered. Ron and Hermione were shocked. Had Harry just called Malfoy by his first name? Draco smirked again. Interesting Hogsmeade trip, indeed.