Author's Note: I laughed SO HARD when I was writing this chapter. It's just so completely ridiculous I can't even believe it. And for some reason, Voldemort ended up sounding like a Ringwraith. Just go with it.

Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom

Hermione took the silencing spell off of her bed as she watched Ginny button up her shirt. "I think Ron's shagging the new girl," she said forlornly. Ginny frowned.

"So? You're shagging me, aren't you?" Hermione waved her hand dissmisively.

"You don't count!" Ginny scowled again. It was really too bad that Harry had admitted to her that he was gay three weeks ago, because Ginny was certain he'd be a lot better in the sack than Hermione. Hermione ran away to go find Ron, leaving Ginny alone in the girls' dormitory. Soon after,the door opened and in walked Mary Sue, beaming like the sun.

"Ginny!" She said happily.

"Mary Sue..." Ginny said, a little less happily. It was hard for Ginny to be happy these days, especially when she was harboring such a big secret: that diary, the one she'd had when she was eleven, well...it had never really been destroyed. No, Ginny had placed a decoy in the Chamber of Secrets and was now conducting an extremely secret, extremely sexual relationship with Tom Riddle so that she could cope with Harry's homosexuality.

Mary Sue plopped down on Hermione's bed and drew her perfect, model-length legs up to her ample chest. "Ginny, can we talk?" Ginny shrugged. She had a date with her diary in ten minutes, but she supposed she could sparesome timefor the blonde beauty. Mary Sue turned her suddenlytear-filled baby blue eyes up to Ginny's, and wailed.

"Voldemort is after meeeeeee!" Ginny drew back at the mention of His name.

"You can't say that!" She hissed. Mary Sue began to cry huge elephant tears.

"That's why I came to Hogwarts! He tried to kill my parents and I tried to save them but then some of his EVIL powers transferred to me and now...now...I think I've killed your brother!" Ginny stopped. What? She killed Ron?

"WHAT?" Mary Sue nodded.

"I killed him! We were kissing, he's so cute, and then--and then--some lightening sparked out of me and he fainted! Oh, Ginny, what am I going to do!" So Hermione was right! Ron was shagging the girl! Ginny shook her head, trying to decide whether to laugh or growl, and at that very moment Harry burst into the room. Ginny looked up.

"Harry! What are you doing here?" Harry looked bewildered, and fled out of the girls' dormitory.

Draco smashed yet another expensive glass ornament against the wall of the common room, praying that Blaise wouldn't walk in. Merlin knew Draco didn't want Blaise to see him having a fit like this--not after Draco'd cried out Harry's name during the excellent shag they were having the night before. Draco flopped down onto his black silk sheets, frowning. He still hadn't replied to that owl his father had sent him--the one demanding him to join up with the Death Eaters...or else! Draco groaned and rolled over. He would never join the Death Eaters, not even if the Dark Lord himself offered him a golden palace filled with Harry Potter clones bent over and shouting, "Do me, Draco!" The door to the dormitory opened and Draco heard a raspy voice.

"Draaaacoooo...Malllfooooooy..." Draco sat bolt upright. He'd just been kidding about the Dark Lord thing! Just kidding! Peeking around his curtains, Draco's suspicions were confirmed: Voldemort was indeed standing in his room, prowling the area for Draco. Voldemort ripped open the curtains to Draco's bed.

"Wheeeere issss the giiirl?" Draco looked around. Girl? What girl? He was a flaming queer, there wouldn't be any--Draco stopped himself.

He.

Was.

Not.

Gay.

"Yessss you aaaaaare," Voldemort hissed. Draco squealed like a girl and dove behind his curtains. Voldemort frowned, and decided that for now he wouldn't AK the Son of Lucius. There were more pressing matters at hand, and obviously theannoying American girl was not here.

Harry speared a piece of carrot with his fork and gazed over at the Slytherin table, where Draco was sitting a little ways off from his friends. It was so unusual, to see him not surrounded by his usual gang of minions, that Harry wanted to cheer,stand up on the table and do a tap dance, but he didn't think Seamus would appreciate that much.

Across the Great Hall, Draco watched Harry eat with disgust. The little bugger doesn't have any problems at all, he thought to himself. Okay, well, except for the whole Dark Lord chasing him bit. And the whole dead-parents bit. And the fact that he lived with Muggles for the summer holidays, which was a punishment not evenWeasel and the Mudblood should have to endure.That must suck. Draco was tired of being hunted down by his father, and the recent episode with Voldemort in the dormitory had put Draco off of leather trousers for days now, even though he wasn't sure why. He spotted Mary Sue laughing and giggling with Lavender, feeling some slight pity that she didn't know the Dark Lord was after her. And from what he could see, she desperately needed a better dye job, a manicure,and a new pair of shoes while she was at it, or hey, why not an entire shopping spree? Draco's eyes lit up with the prospect of a shopping spree, and then the light immediately died down.

Draco.

Was.

Not.

Gay.

At.

All.

But he was desperately in love with Harry Potter.

Ron walked into the common room, hoping that someone had saved him some dinner. He was startled by a black, hooded figure sitting by the fire, twiddling his thumbs. The figure stood up, turned to face Ron, and...

"V-V-V-" Ron couldn't bear to say his name.

"Yessss, that'ssss meeeeee..." Voldemort said. He pointed his wand at Ron and cackled evilly. "Wheeeeere issss the giiiiiirl?" Ron blubbered and looked about, hoping, praying that Voldemort wouldn't Avada Kedavra him.

"I don't-I don't-I don't know what you're-" and then he fainted. Voldemort rolled his eyes and pointed his wand down at Ron, opening his mouth when-

"Expelliarmus!" Hermione jumped through the portrait hole (her breasts bouncing jovially) and Voldemort's wand flew out of his hand. Hermione bent down over Ron, cooing and cradling his face in her arms. She stood up. "HOW DARE YOU?" She screamed. Voldemort smiled and shook his head.

"Iiiiii've got you right where I waaaaant yoooooou," he said, before Disapparating with a pop. Hermione was shocked.

"You can't--you can't--you can't Disapparateon the Hogwarts grounds!" she said to the thin air.

Harry stopped crying as soon as he heard Draco step into the prefects' bathroom. "Oh my God, you've been crying!" Draco rushed over to Harry and looked into his sparkling green eyes, and then immediately snapped himself out of it. What was he, gay?

"Of course I haven't been crying!" Harry wailed. At that exact moment, Draco started to cry as he was overwhelmed by all that had happened to him. "What's that matter?" Harry asked soothingly.

"The-the-the Dark Lord came into my dormitory and he found out that I'm gay even though I'm not! And my Daddy wants me to join the Death Eaters and I'll probably die because he'll kill me when I tell him that I'm in love with Harry Potter!" Draco bawled into Harry's shoulder. Harry was bewildered, but brought his Quidditch-toned arms up around Draco to comfort him anyway.

"Voldemort got into Hogwarts?" Draco nodded and blubbered. "Oh no! I have to get back to the common room!" Draco stopped crying and pouted.

"But we haven't even shagged yet!"

"And we won't, not ever, not unless it's completely miraculous and can heal me of all the trauma I've suffered at the hands of Dudley!" Draco paused to think.

"Yeah, I can do that." Harry stopped and weighed his options. It was either go rescue his friends from Evil Lord Voldemort, or stay in the cozy prefects' bath and shag Draco. Wow, what a toughdecision.

"I guess I can stay here for a little while longer..."