Harry Potter and the Cliches of DOOM.
"Ron, we need to stop doing this," Harry said from his kneeling position. Ron sighed and zipped up his trousers.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right. I've been an arse. I'm not even gay!"
Harry was bewildered.
"You're not? But I thought--I thought everyone here was gay!" Ron shook his head.
"Guess you thought wrong?" Harry nodded and laid back on Ron's bed. "So, I think Hermione's mad at me," Ron began. Harry waved his hand for Ron to continue. "Yeah, last night after that crazy fiasco with You-Know-Who in the common room-"
"VOLDEMORT WAS IN THE COMMON ROOM?" Ron nodded.
"Yeah, mate, it was right scary, but Hermione saved me after I fainted,and that's not the point of this story. The point of the story is that I nearly shagged Cho in the Quidditch locker room this afternoon!"
"WHAT?" Ron nodded miserably.
"She'd just come in from practice, and was all sweaty and gorgeous and everything, so I thought maybe I'd go and talk to her...I didn't know it would end up with us in the showers together! Please don't tell Hermione, all right?" Harry sat up.
"Why would I tell Hermione?"
"Erm...I dunno...because you would?" Harry rolled his eyes and flopped down on the bed.
"I wouldn't tell her because I have loads more important things to think about." Harry turned and looked Ron in the eyes. "I'm in love." Ron groaned inwardly. Great, this is the part where Harry would tell him that he was in love with him, and then Ron would have to politely explain to Harry that he wasn't gay. And that he would never be, for that matter. Poor misguided Harry!
"...with Draco Malfoy."
It took several seconds for that to settle in. "WHAT?" Harry sighed dreamily.
"Yeah...I didn't want to tell you this before, but I just can't contain myself! He's so amazing Ron, you should really give him a chance, and you should--"
"But Malfoy isn't gay!"
"I know. But it doesn't matter when you're in love!"
Mary Sue zoomed around the Quidditch pitch on her Firebolt, completely oblivious to the fact that Voldemort had stormed her common room hours earlier on a search for her. Since she was the new Gryffindor Quidditch captain, she was getting in a few extra flies before the first game versus Slytherin. She hovered in mid-air as she watched a short blond boy she'd seen in her Potions class walk onto pitch with his broomstick in hand. She flew down to meet him.
"Hey!" She shouted cheerily. Draco beamed at her, and then immediately stopped, but then started back up again. Why not let the world know that he'd just shagged the most excellent, shag-worthy boy in all of Hogwarts?
Because his father would kill him, that's why. Draco'sbeam immediately turned into a scowl, then turned right back into a beam when he remembered the excellent shag he'd had the night before, and his discovery that Harry's skills as Seeker translated into masterful skills in the bedroom. Or Prefects' bath.
"Hello!" He yelled. Mary Sue hopped off her broom. Hm, this boy was kind of cute, and those leather trousers he was wearing were probably a nightmare for flying, but they certainly made his arse look nice.
"I'm Mary Sue!" Draco's scowl returned as he remembered that this was the girl the Dark Lord had come looking for.
"The Dark Lord's after you, you know," Draco drawled. Mary Sue's huge blue eyes opened wide and she gasped in shock.
"How do you know?" Draco rolled his eyes. Must he be constantly surrounded by fools?
"He came into my dormitory looking for you, that's why!" Mary Sue curled up into a ball on the ground and started to cry.
"Oh, this is horrible! Just terrible! Oh, I'd better go back to my common room!" With that, Mary Sue hopped up andtook off for Gryffindor Tower, leaving Draco alone on the Quidditch pitch. Suddenly, Draco began to feel extremely naseous. Thinking that he wouldn't be able to hold back the vomit for long, he ducked under the stands just in case anyone was watching. It was terribly unseemly for a Malfoy to vomit in public, after all.
Professor Snape swirled the contents of the potion he was holding about inits jar, and handed it to Draco. "It doesn't look good, sweetie," he said with a sigh. It was a shame, really, for Draco was such an attractive boy...Professor Snape smiled to himself. Maybe he could give him detention? Yes, then he could have both Mary Sue and Draco for his pleasure that evening...but seeing the greenish cast of Draco's face, Snape decided against it.
"You mean...I'm pregnant?" Draco whispered. Snape nodded.
"'Fraid so, hon." Draco rolled over on his stomach and tried not to cry, but it was awfully hard. Falling in love with Harry Potter was sending him on an emotional rollercoaster.
"Please tell me who the father is," Draco wailed. Snape examined the potion's colours.
"Harry Potter...?" Draco sat up immediately.
"WHAT? Give me that!" He snatched the potion from Snape, and even though he couldn't decipher the meaning of the colors or the smell, he started to cry anyway.
"Didn't know you were gay," Professor Snape said after a few minutes.
"I'M NOT GAY!"
That evening at supper, Dumbledore stood up to give an announcement. "It has come to my attention that Voldemort has found a method of getting into Hogwarts. He was spotted in the Gryffindor Common Room yesterday evening--hey, everyone! Chill out! The prefects will now take everyone back to their common rooms, and I will give them further instructions from there." Everyone was indeed panicking, and it took Hermione three tries and four undone buttons, and a nice view of her cleavageto get the majority of Gryffindors to listen to her and head up to the common room.
Meanwhile, Dumbledore had summoned Mary Sue and she approached him fearfully. "Oh, what have I done wrong?" she asked.
"I know Voldemort is after you," he said, pulling out a large purple amulet on a string. "So take this. Your mother left it to you before she died, and it will protect you in any situation!" Mary Sue gasped and took the shining purple amulet from Dumbledore.
"Oh, my God you have no idea what this means to me!" She hugged Dumbledore and ran off the the Gryffindor common room.