A/N: Yay for oneshots! As you are all aware, I do not own Degrassi nor do I plan on owning it in anytime in the future. However, the lyrics used in this fic are MINE. Do not steal them because I wrote them, and that would be rude of you to steal. However if you want to borrow them (and you MUST give credit where credit is due!) then feel free to review and tell me you're borrowing them. Thanks!
Confessions of the life I used to lead
hated all that was me
I sighed, digging the compass deep into my skin. Blood dripped out of the fresh wound but I didn't care. I closed my eyes, making another long scratch, more blood oozing to the surface. I grabbed a washcloth, getting it wet and running it over my arm. I winced. The blood kept coming, as it always does. I wiped it once more, and stuck on a couple bandaids. Satisfied, I rolled down my sleeves and regained my composure, walking back into my room.
I close my eyes, remembering that moment. It had been a couple weeks ago. Things had changed drastically since then. I'd gotten help. Right now, I'm in the guidance counselor's office. We talk regularly every week. Sometimes twice a week. I'm getting better, and I haven't cut. I haven't told my mother yet. She hasn't been sober for a day since dad left. I don't think I should tell her. She'll be drunk anyway. It's not like she'd care.
and I made myself bleed ...
Do you know it was all because of you?
In the past, I'd felt lost. Heck, I still feel lost. But at least now I have friends, here for me to hold my hand. Outlets of my pain and anguish, other than cutting. My mother is too stupid to realize what she's doing to me. Too selfish to see anyone else's pain but her own. She's blinded by the alcohol. I miss my old mom. The one with stars in her eyes. The one that had a smile that could light up the room.
I don't like the new mom. Boozed out mom. Passed out mom. I think it's unfair for her to do this to me. I'm having to take care of her. She's the parent. It shouldn't have to be this way.
I was talking to the counselor. I saw the understanding on her face. Understanding. Something I'd been seeing a lot lately. I smile, as she explains to me about my mother. She tries to explain about alcoholism being a disease. I don't believe that one bit. You don't bring diseases upon yourself. You don't drink yourself into a stupor because of a disease.
Meaningless memories is all they are,
fading away like a dying star
I don't want to listen to the counselor anymore. I plug my ears with my fingers. She walks up to me, pulling my hands away. She explains about therapy for my mother. About rehab. I tell her that's where my mom should be. I tell her my mom needs to get better. I tell her I want my old mother back. I am silent as she tells me about rehab and what they do there. I don't care about how they do it. I just want it done.
Our time is up, and I'm glad. I walk out of there gladly. I went through the rest of my day and then I go home. I see my mother on the couch and I sit there in the chair.
I tell her she needs rehab. She simply moans. I sigh, and pick up the phone. I take out the phone number Ms. Suave gave me. I call it. I tell them about my mother, about her problems. They say they'll come get her tomorrow. For me to pack some stuff she'll need.
but who wants to hear my confessions anyway?
I promise myself that I'll tell her when she's back. When my mom is sober, I will show her my scars. I will make her feel the pain she should have felt. I'll make her see what I saw. She'll realize it and she'll never touch a drop of alcohol again. And it will feel nice having that power. I smile to myself, glad that this will all be over soon. I go into my mother's room, taking some of her clothes and putting them in a bag. I grab some other necessities, and put them by the door. I turn off the lights, and retire off to my room.
Ignorant confusion fills the air
unable to go anywhere
I close my door and shut off the light, jumping onto my bed. I close my eyes, and I think.
I was in the bathroom. Everything had been going horrible. I couldn't take it, and I had to find a release. Scrambling into my backpack, I grabbed my compass. I dug it into my skin, and then I heard the bathroom door open. I picked up the compass quickly and stuffed it into my bag. Paige was standing there, and she smirked at me. She began prattling on and I didn't pay attention. I began to walk away, and she looked at my arm.
"Ellie, you're bleeding." She had said.
The memory flashes away. If it hadn't been for Paige, well...I don't know where I'd be. Not something I like to admit. But the girl is actually human. I know. It surprised me too.
We're actually friends now. She told me everything about her rape. About that jerk, Dean. She understands what it's like to want to die. I'd already knew what had happened to her, just not the details. I'm glad she told Ms. Suave about my problem. I'm glad I have help.
I don't know what's up
and I don't know what's down
I start to fall down...deep...sleep is coming. I welcome it with open arms. My dreams are pleasant. I dream of lollipop lands. I dream of Paige. I dream of kissing her. I dream and I dream. When I finally wake up, it is because of a knock on the door. I smile, walking out into the living room and opening the door. It's the people coming for my mother. She's passed out. They take her, and I watch.
Paige. She was my goddess. My savior. And I needed some way to thank her.
but I feel electricity all around ...