CHAPTER THREE

"Take my hand and tell me what you're feeling

Touch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you

Give your trust to me and look into my heart

And tell me, oh tell me what you're thinking

So sit on top of the world and tell me what you're feeling

What you feel, is what I feel for you

Take my hand and if I'm lying to you

I'll always be alone, if I'm lying to you"

Take My Hand, Dido

A deep depression settled over Padme like a shroud when she had to leave Luke and Leia behind on Alderaan. She deliberately did not allow herself to think about it but her mind felt paralysed anyway.

"I need work to do Obi Wan," she told him as they took off. Bail Organa and his wife, Owen and Beru were waving to them down below as they left from a grassy plain on the palace's land.

"The Rebel Alliance could probably use your help a great deal but if Darth Vader finds you, he would use a mind probe on you. Everything that the Alliance is doing would become an open book to him," Obi Wan said. "It's too dangerous."

"I could work on education programs to develop political leaders but diplomacy is no longer relevant in the galaxy it seems. What use is diplomacy in an Empire?" she said bitterly.

Obi Wan examined her profile carefully. "That sounds like a good idea to me, Padme. Except perhaps your diplomatic training and experience could be used to help educate young spies for the Alliance," he said slowly, thinking it through.

"Wouldn't that then be dangerous information for Darth Vader to have?" Padme asked, her voice still sounding a bit hard around the edges.

"You could develop general principles rather than specific strategies. That way, if Darth Vader does capture you, all he would learn is the skills education they are receiving rather than our actual plans," Obi Wan explained, still lost in consideration of the idea.

After a pause, Padme said, "it's an excellent idea." Suddenly, Padme felt a rush of hope. A sense of purpose had always been important to her identity. Now that was restored, she felt more like herself. "An excellent idea," she repeated with a smile.

"I'm taking you back to Naboo. Darth Vader's spies have already scoured the planet and left. As far as he knows, you haven't chosen your old home as a hiding place so for now, it is probably the safest place. We will probably still have to move you every three to six months," Obi Wan said.

Padme started in surprise. Anakin's spies had already been on Naboo? It had only taken a few days for him to start searching. Padme sighed, she should have known that Anakin would be ruthlessly efficient and waste no time.

"Where will you be, Obi Wan?" Padme asked curiously.

"I won't tell you for the usual reasons but I will in the same place as Luke, watching over him," Obi Wan said reassuringly.

Padme sighed with relief. "I'm so glad to hear that," she said. "Leia has wealth and power to protect her but Luke did seem vulnerable. I won't worry about him so much if I know you are near to him."

Obi Wan smiled. Padme's faith in him was touching but he feared that one Jedi may not be enough to stop the power of Darth Sidious and Darth Vader should they learn of Luke's existence. The whole might of the Empire would be brought to bear and not even Yoda could withstand that.

- - -

Padme gradually fell into a routine in her hillside apartment. She never settled down completely however, as she may have to leave at a moment's notice. She spent hours every day developing the training program for the young Rebel Alliance troops. Because of her military training as well as her political training, Padme was able to develop skill units for both fighting techniques as well as diplomacy. All diplomats were essentially spies anyway, she thought to herself with a small smile.

It was absorbing work and filled in her days easily. While she was working, she was content. She felt useful. When she had to stop at the end of the day, she was restless and listless. She often didn't sleep well and sometimes would go paddling in the lake late at night with only the light of the moon.

After her busy public life, the solitude was strange but a relief as well. It felt odd not to be on show 24 hours a day. She was learning the delights of not having to get dressed up every day and choosing her own routine. She could eat when she liked, sleep when she liked, exercise when she wanted to and work as many or little hours as she chose.

She thought of Luke and Leia most often because they were easier to think of than Anakin. Bail and Owen both sent regular holograms of Leia and Luke, almost every day. Bail's wife and Beru would usually report every few days on how the babies were going. Padme was relieved to realize that she would not miss as much as she originally thought. Still, she could not hold her own children and that was devastating. She would send back messages to the babies and the families generally but knew Leia and Luke were too little to do much more than recognize her voice.

Most of all, Padme concentrated on keeping her emotions under control. If they were the doorway for Anakin to enter her mind, the more balanced her emotions the better.

- - -

In his private apartments on the Command Ship, Anakin was trying once again to reach Padme through the Force. Again, his mental searches of the galaxy came back to him empty. His spies had reported rumours of Jedi sightings but they were unlikely to be true. He had told them to follow up any leads regardless. The search of Naboo had been fruitless. He had suspected her home planet was too obvious a place for her to hide.

He knew the few weeks since he last connected with her was an unrealistic timeframe for his spy network to have made much progress but the frustration was still extreme. He knew patience would eventually gain for him what he wanted but Anakin had never been patient.

He never stopped to question himself what he would actually say or do when he found her. Padme was his wife and should be with him - that was his only thought.

Of Darth Sidious, he had murderous thoughts. The Sith Lord had tricked Anakin into joining the Dark Side by playing on his fears for his wife, all the while knowing that it was Anakin's defection that would cause him to lose her. Then he had lied about Padme being dead. He knew he hadn't killed her that day of Mustafar. He was not such an amateur with the Force that he didn't know when someone was alive or dead. His sense of shame over the loss of his temper and lashing out at his wife cut him deeply. He leaned over the table in his private apartments and his breath rasped as the memory came back to him clearly.

He had never thought himself capable of harming a hair on her head. Padme's talk of Obi Wan had infuriated him and aroused his jealousy. Why would she listen to Obi Wan rather than himself? When he had tried to explain his reasons, she had sided with Obi Wan. Then to see Obi Wan standing in the doorway of her spaceship tipped him over the edge. Not only was she siding with his old Master but she had brought him with her. She had joined forces with Obi Wan against him, her own husband! Red had washed over his vision in an instant. He felt betrayed. He felt like his heart was being ripped in two by her duplicity. He didn't even remember when he reached out to choke her. He only knew when Obi Wan approached him, he had to let go in order to arm himself. He had known she was still alive when he let go.

Darth Sidious probably thought that telling him Padme was dead would eliminate his new apprentice's last vulnerability. Then again, Darth Sidious had never loved. It was not in him to love. This ignorance was a weakness in his psychological make up that Anakin suddenly realized he could exploit. He could not guess what Anakin's actions would be if he knew that Anakin had discovered his wife was still alive. He could not guess because he had never felt as Anakin now felt. Darth Sidious' knowledge was incomplete. He may know the Dark Side of the Force thoroughly but he didn't know the power of love.

- - -

Approximately one month after coming back to Naboo, Padme felt more than usually restless. She tossed and turned in her bed and with a sign of resignation, she got up to go for one of her occasional midnight swims.

It had been a hot day and the water was still warm enough to be pleasant. She set a small lantern on one of the rocks on the beach to orient herself by and then waded out into the calm water.

Her soul couldn't find a place to cling to tonight. Not even seeing Luke and Leia via hologram today had calmed her agitation. She had found a peaceful routine and some sense of purpose in her days but the future looked blank to her. What would she do with herself after the education units were finished? They would only take a year at the most. She didn't need to worry about money but where would she invest her energy for the rest of her life? She knew she would always be on the run, so she could not devote herself to a community again.

It was the horrible blankness of her future that bothered her. She could not see even the next step. She could not have ambitions and her love was lost to her. She did not even have a home now. She had nothing to cling to, not even hope.

A thought came unbidden into her mind. She wished Anakin's dream had been right. She almost wished she had died in childbirth. Anything was better than this terrible void before her. She didn't want to cry out there in the water. Staying afloat and crying worked at cross purposes to each other. She swam quickly back to shore and in the shallows, she cried for the first time in many weeks.

Inevitably, soon after her emotions scorched through her, she could feel Anakin as close as a breath away from her. For the first time, she didn't care. Let him feel whatever he wanted to. He knew by now that she was alive and she also knew he couldn't get into any part of her mind that she chose not to allow him into. It would do him no good to spy on her emotions, no good at all.

- - -

Anakin lifted his head suddenly. There she was again. He was sure she was crying. He recoiled from the strength of her emotions. He leaned against the wall of the corridor on the Command Ship. He had been on his way to the bridge. Tentatively he used the Force to see what he could find out. She was definitely in pain but from what? To his surprise, she didn't slam down her defenses immediately. He sensed resignation at his presence for the first time. He felt relieved. These days, he only seemed to live for these brief moments of contact. Ruling the Empire had almost lost its interest for him. To be shut out from her presence so quickly was worse than one of Darth Sidious' punishments.

He tried to enter her thoughts but they were still blocked from him. He sensed despair for the first time and a desire… a desire for death? "No," Anakin muttered to himself, nothing but a low sound emanating from his mask. Why would she want to die, he wondered in bafflement? If she no longer loved him then she had her wish, he was out of her life; at least, for now. If she did still love him, she only had to let him know where she was and he would be there as fast as any ship in the Galaxy could take him.

He concentrated fiercely on the tenuous link he had to her. He sensed a feeling of… blankness. She was in despair over her future, he suddenly realized. She seemed to feel that she had no future.

She could be an Empress, Anakin thought in amazement. Had she forgotten what he had said to her of his plans for them on Mustafar? She could rule the entire Galaxy by his side and make all the just and fair laws she wished. He would not interfere with her decisions. He was a Master of the Force, not a politician or a law maker. He would trust her with anything and everything in his Empire.

He noticed a sudden shift in Padme's feelings. He got the impression that someone had arrived unexpectedly, someone that Padme trusted. For a split second, her mind shield slipped a crack and Anakin suddenly realized that Obi Wan had arrived wherever Padme was.

Rage began to build like black cloud. He could feel it coursing through what was left of his veins. Why was Obi Wan visiting his wife? Why was Padme so glad to see him? How often did his old Master visit her? His fury was so great that he was no longer able to control his connection to Padme and he sensed that she had abruptly and powerfully felt his anger.

He nearly short-circuited his life support when he realized his greatest enemy could visit his wife whenever he chose and be welcomed but he himself, her husband, did not even know where she was. A few seconds later, one of his Generals found Darth Vader slumped on the floor struggling to breathe. He took him to the pressurized medical capsule immediately.

"Do you know how some of your circuitry came to be melted, my Lord?" the droid doctor asked.

"Yes," Anakin replied through clenched teeth.

"Well, well. I think it would be best to avoid whatever caused it in future," it said with its programmed bed-side manner.

"I agree," Anakin replied and promised himself that next time he crossed Obi Wan's path, he would kill him.

- - -

Padme saw Obi Wan's transport land on the sand of the beach. Quickly, she ran up to shore and pulled on her robe over her swim suit and waited to meet him. "Obi Wan! How are you?" she asked, grateful to see a friend's face. It had pulled her out of her despair. She was glad it was too dark for him to see that she had been crying.

"I saw your light on!" Obi Wan joked, pointing at the small lantern on the rock.

Padme laughed. "Come inside for a hot drink," she invited. Before she had taken two steps, she suddenly fell down in the sand and then put her arms up as if to defend herself.

"Padme!" Obi Wan said in alarm, reaching for his light sabre.

"It's Anakin, he's furious!" Padme said, fear coursing through her voice.

Immediately her defenses crashed closed and he was gone again. "I forgot for a moment that he had been hanging around again," she whispered, as the impression faded. "He wanted to kill somebody, I could feel it," Padme said, her eyes wide. "It's the first time I've felt his emotions."

Obi Wan did not like the sound of that development. "I daresay Darth Vader wants to kill somebody every five seconds or so," he said flippantly. "I don't believe the Sith value life very much."

Padme just stared at him for a few seconds. "Come inside for a hot drink," she finally repeated and walked slowly up the stone path to her apartment.

- - -

"What brings you here?" Padme asked, putting a cup of steaming herbal tea in front of Obi Wan. "Not that I'm not glad to see you or anything but I imagine watching over Luke takes up most of your time."

"Yoda sent me a message. He wants you to go back to the Dagobah system. He no longer believes Naboo is safe," Obi Wan said.

"Why didn't he contact me direct and tell me to go back?" Padme asked with a smile. "After all, I can fly too."

"He wanted me to accompany you. He prefers you to travel accompanied at the moment," Obi Wan explained gently.

Padme nodded. "Did Yoda say why he thought Naboo was no longer safe?" she asked.

"Just a feeling he has, I think," Obi Wan replied. "Nothing definite."

"It won't take me long to pack. I won't hold you up," Padme promised and went to her room to pack once again.

- - -

"Why did you bring me back here, Yoda?" Padme asked the ancient Jedi Master after she had settled in again and said good-bye to Obi Wan.

"Tell me things, the Force does. Not safe for you, Naboo is," Yoda replied. "Also, company you need. Brooding too much, not good for you. Peace you will find here with me. Come a time there may, when glad you are of the rest. Less likely it is, your emotions to overwhelm you here with me."

Padme knew Yoda was right.

- - -

Thus began the longest and most frustrating year of Darth Vader's life. He lost track of Padme completely. A couple of months after the circuitry in his life support was rebuilt, he sent another spy force to Naboo. This time they found traces of her, not in the Palace but on the other side of the lake in a small but comfortable hillside apartment. They brought back the few possessions they had found to Darth Vader and were gratified to be rewarded handsomely for their success.

Anakin had recognized the small stole with distinctive embroidery immediately and the scent of her perfume still lingered on the fabric. It had been found under the bed where it must have fallen unnoticed. She had obviously packed in a hurry. A beautiful filigree patterned pen had also been found on the floor near the table. He recognized it as one that she had been given by a diplomatic delegation from the Onshlogo system when she was Queen of Naboo. It was valuable and he knew she would be upset to lose it. He would return it to her when he found her.

He folded the stole carefully and kept it locked up with the pen with his own few personal possessions.

His spy system grew during that year but apart from the few traces of her from Naboo, they drew a complete blank. Anakin cursed himself for not making a thorough check of Naboo as soon as he knew she was still alive. He should have left a guard of spies there permanently too – a measure he had now taken.

The year passed with aching slowness. He wondered how many years he would have like this until he saw her again. He never doubted that he would find her. It was a possibility his mind did not accept.

Meanwhile, work continued apace on the Death Star. His time was full in over-seeing the construction and crushing any trouble spots in the Galaxy before they could grow into a real problem. Darth Sidious was still imparting knowledge to his apprentice but did not spend much time at the Command Ship or the Death Star. He left those projects in Darth Vader's capable hands. Darth Sidious' time was mainly taken up in over-seeing the military and defence forces for his Empire. It was work that took the Sith Lord all over the Galaxy. He kept in regular contact with his apprentice via hologram messages, as many as one every hour. Then for weeks, Darth Vader would not hear from him at all.

During the long evenings when Anakin could not sleep, he had plenty of time to contemplate the last days, weeks and months that he had spent with Padme. If someone had warned him on the day that Padme had told him she was pregnant that he would turn Sith and lose his wife, his limbs, his friends and his baby, he would not have believed them. It had all happened so quickly. His old life, the life he had wanted, had disappeared in a flash.

If he had his time over, would he have done things differently? He didn't know. He still didn't know whether Padme had been doomed to die in childbirth. Perhaps he had saved her life after all even at the cost of their marriage. Who knew? He believed he could get Padme back. If turning Sith really had saved her life then the rest of it didn't matter once she was back with him.

Or so he believed.

- - -

For Padme too, the year was a slow one. She was at peace with Yoda in the Dagobah system. The dim days filled with dark green shadows faded gently into the dark nights. She grew to love the quiet and solitude of the swamps. She could wander unmolested for miles on the trails through the murky waters. Generally speaking, Yoda preferred her to stay closer to him but she felt safe and certainly nothing happened during the entire year to alarm her.

Anakin's presence never once made itself felt. She began to relax as the months passed without incident. As Luke and Leia's first birthday grew nearer, she became more introspective and depressed. Had it already been a year since she lost so much? In some ways, it seemed like a much shorter time. In other ways, it seemed like decades. Time had lost its meaning in the swamps but the babies' birthday was re-focusing her mind on its passing.

"Luke and Leia, you would like to see?" Yoda said to her unexpectedly one evening.

Padme glanced up at Yoda sharply. How did he read her so clearly?

"Yes, Master Yoda," she said quietly.

"To see them, your heart yearns – yes?" he said wisely.

Padme nodded. "The holograms are wonderful but they are growing so fast and I never get a chance to hold them, to spend time with them," she replied with a sigh.

"This ache, it grows stronger," Yoda observed. "An unhealthy obsession, it must not become. To see the children again, it is time."

Padme looked at Yoda with shining eyes. "Is it really possible?" she asked breathlessly.

"Possible, yes. Dangerous it is but a risk that take we must. Arrangements, I will make. On their birthdays, prepare to see them," Yoda said calmly.

"Thank you, Yoda," Padme said gratefully. "I've been lucky in my friends," she added, suddenly reflective. "Sometimes I think too much of the things I've lost that I forget to appreciate what I still have. Good friends are certainly one of those things."

"In what you say, wisdom there is," Yoda said approvingly, sagely nodding his graying little head.