I just wanted to say 'thank you' to the reviewers who take the time to give so much encouragement. You've helped me keep the flame of this story idea alive. I truly appreciate it.
CHAPTER FIVE
"I still love you
I still want you
A thousand times these mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my head
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves
Eternities still unsaid
'Til you love me"
A Thousand Years, Sting
Padme felt as though she had been asleep for a long time. "I hit my head harder than I thought," she muttered upon waking. She was in the same place and the sound of mechanical breathing told her that her sinister friend was still hanging around.
But there was something else… this time she was sure. She sat up suddenly and looked quickly around the room, in every corner. Anakin was definitely there. She could feel his presence very close. She glanced at the black figure to see if he would give her some clue as to where Anakin was hiding but glanced away again when she saw he was simply standing still watching her.
But something made her look back. The figure was standing too still – unnaturally still. She frowned. Something was out of place but she couldn't quite figure it out. She sat motionless for a long time frowning and absorbed. He was definitely here but she couldn't see him. Why would he hide?
Anakin watched Padme carefully. He had spent hours by her bedside watching her sleep. She had been sleeping for a long time, overcoming the head injury. For nearly two full days, she hadn't stirred. Now she seemed to almost sense something was amiss. Did she sense he was here even though he looked nothing like his old self? The thought made him on edge. He wasn't ready to be unmasked yet. He had not anticipated how to tell her what had happened to him. He had been so focused on finding her that he had not thought about the vast changes that had taken place since that had last seen each other and how he would bridge them.
A thought slid sideways into Padme's consciousness. It was so implausible that she didn't believe it at first. She glanced back at the silent figure next to the bed. Then she stared at him intently. If possible, the ominous figure became even more motionless as though waiting uncertainly for her to say something. The tension was unbearable and suddenly Padme knew her sudden hunch was correct as certainly as she knew the sky over Naboo was blue.
"Ani?" she whispered finally, disbelievingly. Could her beloved Ani have become this dark, disturbing, silent creature before her?
Anakin's lips parted in shock behind his visor. She had recognized him behind the mask and armour after all. His body tensed. He had no idea what to say so he stayed silent.
Padme watched the strange figure carefully but he said nothing. The alteration in his breathing gave away the emotions that the camouflage hid.
Padme turned herself around so that her feet dangling over the edge of the bed facing him. She looked straight into the alien mask. "Ani, is that you?" she repeated gently but insistently, her voice still incredulous.
Anakin knew he had to answer her. He wanted to go up to her and touch her face gently but he was afraid that she would recoil under steel and leather of his new 'hands'. He wanted to talk to her softly but knew that his artificial voice would not respond to his wish. He looked, felt and sounded like a monster whether he wanted to or not. When he looked into Padme's large brown eyes, he cursed his new self. He had no option but to be blunt and harsh.
"Anakin is dead. I am Darth Vader," the disembodied voice said.
Goose bumps broke out all over Padme's skin. She had known it was him but having him state his identity so definitely broke the last tenuous hope Padme had that this unapproachable being was really someone else entirely and Anakin was still hiding somewhere close by.
Padme was silent for a few moments, absorbing the truth before her. "If you are Darth Vader then you are also Anakin whether you want to admit it or not," Padme contradicted flatly, her voice cool and gaze cool.
Anakin sensed her withdrawal from him with a stab of pain. "Do I look like Anakin?" he said bitterly, holding up his mechanical hands to display his new self.
Padme sensed the frustration under the question although the voice was emotionless. "No," she replied honestly. "Why are you hiding behind that mask?" she asked directly.
"This mask keeps me alive now," he said. "I have no choice but to wear it."
Padme frowned. "It keeps you alive?" she said incredulously. There was a long pause. "What happened to you?" she asked softly, gazing at him with a compassion that acted like a balm on Anakin's wounded mind as it always had.
"Didn't Obi Wan tell you?" Anakin asked resentfully. "Didn't my old master tell you what he did to his old Padawan?"
"No, he didn't. He wouldn't talk about it," Padme replied quietly.
Anakin was incredulous. He had not expected that. He was certain Obi Wan would have told her. After all, they had seemed to be in cohorts. "He did this to me! He turned me into this monster!" Anakin said angrily, shaking his clenched fists at Padme in frustration and beginning to pace agitatedly around the small room. His voice through the visor sounded frightening.
"On Mustafar?" Padme asked with a small frown, remembering that last encounter.
"Yes," Anakin said dully. "Now I can't live without elaborate life support. That's why I wear this mask and armour."
"I'm sorry, Anakin," Padme said with a sigh and a shake of her head, tears welling her large eyes. She couldn't believe her beautiful Anakin had become this dark thing. She was unhappy he had been so terribly hurt but in a sense, he had brought it on himself. It was no use to tell Anakin that though. He was prone to self-pity and blaming others for the misfortune he brought on himself. In that respect, he hadn't changed at all.
He looked so strange to her now, as though he really was a completely different person and yet… and yet underneath all that armour she could still feel her Ani. He was still there somewhere.
They were silent for a few moments.
"Now that you've brought me here, what are you going to do with me?" Padme asked simply.
Anakin frowned behind the mask. Do with her? What did she think he was going to do with her? She was his wife, she belonged by his side. That was all. He had no ulterior motive in finding her. He just wanted her here with him.
"What do you think I'm going to do with you?" he asked. Through his mask, the question sounded ominous.
"I don't know. Try and extract information, I suppose," she shrugged. She really didn't want to put ideas in his head.
He looked at her closely through the lenses of his mask. Did she honestly think he would subject her to torture and mind probes? Did she think he was that degenerate? That he had gone totally mad? He was silent for a long time.
The sinister breathing while she waited for his response made her shiver. He really was quite terrifying now.
"I won't use mind probes on you," was all he said eventually, a response delivered in the usual flat, unnatural tones.
Padme let her breath out slowly.
"It would be much better if you simply told me what I wanted to know," he continued.
Padme tensed again and looked at him warily. "I have no information that would help you find the Jedi remnant. They hid their location from me so that if you did capture me, mind probes would not work."
Anakin sneered behind his mask. Was that what the Jedi remnant thought of him? That he would treat his wife like that? He would certainly treat any of the Jedi remnants like that given half a chance, he thought furiously.
"I would assume a Jedi would be intelligent enough to take those precautions," he said, his sneer evident in his voice.
It was interesting, Padme thought, that negative emotions were carried on that mechanical voice but it would never be able to sound gentle or kind. It was a diabolical creation, designed to instill dread and intimidation. It worked very well.
Padme nodded but said nothing.
"Tell me about our child," he said suddenly.
Padme stiffened and glanced at him. It was hopeless trying to gauge what he was thinking or feeling from looking at him. His mask and armour gave nothing away. There were only the faintest hints from his strange new voice and body language.
"Our child is dead," Padme said flatly and without mercy.
Padme heard a strange gurgling noise and she realized he had just drawn in his breath sharply and the mask had distorted the sound.
"Dead?" he repeated and he seemed to almost stumble back against the nearest wall. He put out one hand to brace himself. "How?... How did that happen?" he asked.
It was the first sign of weakness Padme had seen Anakin display for a long, long time. It hurt her to see but she knew protecting her children with a lie was more important than sparing Anakin's feelings with the truth.
"Luke was stillborn," Padme said and then nearly bit her tongue. Why had she given Anakin the baby's name? If he ever happened across a Luke Skywalker at any time in the future, it was sure to make him realize his son was alive. She prayed he would forget. It was unlikely that Anakin would ever look for his son, believing him now to be dead but still… It had not been wise.
"A boy!" Anakin said, his breathing still uneven. "What happened? What went wrong?"
Padme knew she was going to have to tell a cruel lie. "You can't choke a pregnant woman until she's unconscious and expect the baby to live Anakin," she said, her voice hard with an old bitterness.
Padme watched in astonishment as the powerful, frightening figure before her seemed almost to crumple. "No," the mechanical voice said. "You were still alive, I felt it."
"Yes, I was still alive but the baby had been starved of oxygen for too long. Babies are more fragile than fully grown women Anakin," Padme replied, reinforcing the lie. She wondered at how easy it was to tell horrible lies when it meant protecting her children from the Dark Side.
It was painful to watch the large, commanding figure shudder as he clung to the wall for support. He would not look at her, his masked face was turned away and his powerful shoulders were bowed as though in physical pain.
"You… you must hate me," the disembodied voice finally said, the mask still turned away.
That was the final straw for Padme. It didn't matter what Anakin did, she had always hated to see him in pain. She had comforted him after he had killed an entire village once although later, it had seemed ridiculous and wrong to pity someone who could murder like that. But she had.
She slid off the bed and carefully limped over to him. Her ankle was still very sore. She was wearing a very pretty hospital gown but her bare feet were cold on the uncovered floors. He did not hear her coming so he was shocked when she put her arms around his neck. The shock made him still for an instant but then he quickly pulled Padme close, cursing the layers of metal and circuitry that made it impossible to feel the warmth of her skin.
"I never wanted to hurt you or the baby," he said, "Never. I just… hated seeing you with Obi Wan. I thought he was trying to take you from me. It seemed like he had succeeded. I couldn't bear it."
Padme knew there was more to it than that. Anakin would never admit his defection to the Dark Side had been wrong. He would never admit that killing the Younglings and other Jedi was not just 'a necessarily thing'. He would never face the fact that power had been his real ambition all along, regardless of the cost. Padme believed that power was ultimately more important to Anakin than love despite what he had said about the motives behind his treachery. Now that he had all the power he had ever wanted, he wanted his wife and family too. He saw no impediment to having it all. Padme knew Anakin did not (and did not want to) understand that she had run away from him because she was horrified by what he had done and what he had become. It was easier to believe that he old friends had 'turned her against him'. Anakin was not good at taking responsibility for his own actions or admitting when he was wrong.
"The Dark Side has brought so much destruction to our family," Padme stated uncompromisingly, looking up into the dark eyes of the mask. "There has been a heavy price we have all paid for it."
"We don't need to keep paying it, Padme. There is nothing I can do about the death of our son but we still have each other. It would not be hard to get rid of Darth Sidious and then, we can run the Galaxy however we want to. We can establish peace and make just laws, and never have to be apart again," he said, his mechanical monotone concealing his excitement and passion.
Padme shook her head. "I don't want to rule, Anakin. I never have. I still believe in democracy. I still think people should rule themselves. I don't share your dream or your lust for power," she said quietly. "I told you on Mustafar that you were going down a path where I couldn't follow you. That hasn't changed. I don't like the Dark Side. I don't like what it has done to us."
Anakin was very still and the only sound in the room was the menacing breathing. Padme tried to pull away but she found she was clamped against him by an immovable and immensely strong arm. "Anakin, let me go," she said calmly.
"No, Padme. You may not like the path that I've chosen but you're my wife and your place is here with me. I won't let you go. If you won't stay here willingly then you will stay here unwillingly," he said bluntly.
Padme stared at him sadly. "Has it come to this, Ani?" she whispered, tears coming to her eyes. She looked down. She didn't want him to see her cry again. She had cried enough on Mustafar and it had done no good. Tears would not move him from what he wanted. She had already learned that the hard way.
Anakin hardened his heart against her tears. He could not let her go and that was that. She belonged with him. He believed they could work out their differences and be happy together again. She just needed time to adjust, that was all.
"I'll make you happy, Padme," he promised.
Padme looked up at the blank eyes of the mask and wondered what Anakin was thinking. He would not accept that she would never be happy as his prisoner, no matter how pampered. He would never accept that his past choices would always separate them even when they were together.
- - -
Anakin could not believe how frustrating it was not to be able to touch her. There was no part of him that could touch her flesh to flesh, not unless he was completely undressed in his pressurized apartments. The way he looked at the moment without his armour, there was no way in hell he would undress in front of her. He would not even take off his mask in her sight. His whole body was hideously scarred. He had no hair on his head and his scalp was marked with deep, wide scars. The skin was his body was red, blotchy and shiny with scar tissue. He had no legs below the knee, they were mechanical. His arms were both mechanical as well. Padme would not even recognize him anymore.
But that smooth skin and soft hair that he remembered so well - he couldn't touch it. He couldn't even look at her except through the lenses of his mask. He had not anticipated this at all. He had not considered this frustration at not being able to touch her or the shame at his own physical wreck.
He ordered the suite of rooms next to his own to be refurbished for Padme's personal use. He ensured they were pressurized like his own rooms (although he would never take off his visor when with her) and he also ensured they had the tightest security. Deep down, he couldn't make himself believe that she would run away from him but his practical side ensured that she would not be able to anyway. The suite would become her world as Anakin knew he would have to keep her presence a secret from Darth Sidious.