CHAPTER SEVEN

And I need you and I miss you and now I wonder...
If I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight
It's always times like these when I think of you
And I wonder if you ever think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong and I don't belong
Living in your precious memories

A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton

"To see Leia again, it is time," Yoda said with a nod of his small head and looked at Padme carefully to guage her reaction.

Padme's eyes filled with tears. She had not dared ask the Jedi Master to see her children after the disaster of the last expedition. She knew that Yoda and Obi Wan blamed themselves for her capture because they let her travel unaccompanied but Padme knew it was just a freak chance that anything went wrong.

"Not Luke?" Padme asked hesitantly.

"Swarming with bounty hunters, Tatooine is now. Suspicious it would look, should Luke's family leave for a short time. Poor farmers, everyone on Tatooine assumes the family is. On trips to other planets, poor families do not go. On Tatooine, for his own safety Luke must stay," Yoda said decisively.

"You are right, Master Yoda," Padme said quietly. "Will Obi Wan stay with Luke?" she asked anxiously.

"Necessary it is," Yoda confirmed with another nod.

"Good," Padme breathed.

- - -

So it came to be that Padme was only able to spend time with Leia for the next three years until Leia was four – old enough to only just remember her mother when she was an adult. Luke would have no memory of his mother at all. Yoda stopped even the hologram messages to Luke after Padme's rescue. There were too many spies on Tatooine who may recognize Padme's face in the hologram. Luke was never to hear his mother's voice again after his first birthday.

Alderaan was as beautiful as Padme remembered. She was to stay for three days again as a guest of the Palace. Padme went swimming in the lake on the palace grounds, something she had not been able to do since her final night on Naboo. She was a good swimmer and struck out confidently for one of the small islands in the lake. She reached it in good time and lay on the grass staring up at the sky while the warm sun dried off her waterproof suit. She smiled. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so relaxed. Leia was asleep and so Padme had taken this time to be by herself. Yoda had followed her to the lake but had sat himself down on a nearby rock to meditate with his back to her. Yoda has always been considerate about allowing Padme solitude and space even while protecting her.

Smiling up into the translucent blue sky, Padme could remember the summers by the lake with her school friends. It had been a special school for gifted children and because it was a selective school, it was not very large. They had all known each other well. Most of them had gone on to diplomatic careers and public life. The gifted had always been much respected on Naboo. She laughed to herself as she remembered some of the things they had gotten up to during the summer. They hadn't a care in the Galaxy back then. They all knew their futures were guaranteed to be interesting and fulfilling. They were all healthy and well-adjusted. It had been a halcyon time, a bit like when she had returned to the lake with Anakin. Padme frowned suddenly and pushed the thought away. She had been happy for the first time in nearly two years. She would not allow her thoughts to be darkened by thinking of Anakin even in their happy times.

She thought of Leia instead. Leia was a beautiful little girl and seemed born to command. Briefly, Padme wondered whether she got it from herself or from Anakin. Perhaps both, Padme thought with a smile. Bail was already talking about Leia beginning some of the junior training modules that Padme had developed within the next two to three years. She seemed too little to Padme but then again, Padme had begun her serious training at five years of age. Leia had her mother's warm brown colouring and delicate features. There was surprisingly little of Anakin in her face.

Leia already had strong ideas. She was not even two years old yet and was only just beginning to talk but she expressed herself seriously and powerfully or not at all. She was rapidly heading towards her 'terrible twos' and it showed. She had a quick temper (definitely Anakin) and was impatient (also Anakin). She tended to dominate other children her age but they all liked her because she was generous and kind and fair. If she tended to be a bit tyrannical nobody minded because she was so pretty, charming and giving.

Padme predicted to herself with a smile that Leia would one day lead in the way she had herself. She hoped that Leia would one day be a leader in the Rebel Alliance and use any diplomatic ability that Padme may have passed on to her to overthrow the Empire and restore democracy. Padme suspected that Leia may be prone to rather more direct methods than diplomacy. Leia would probably end up even more skilled with a gun than Padme. Padme's lips twitched at the thought.

Suddenly she frowned. What happened if Leia's early training did indeed lead to a life in the Rebel Alliance? She may one day come face to face with her father or rather, what was left of him Padme thought with a stab of pain. It could be dangerous. Anakin may recognize Leia's resemblance to Padme and try and turn his daughter to the Dark Side. Padme felt agitated suddenly. She wanted to tell Bail not to allow his daughter to get involved in the Rebel Alliance, to help her choose another path entirely. She sat up and was about to swim back to shore to discuss it with him when she suddenly calmed down.

She knew that if Leia was destined to follow that path then no influence from her parents would change that. For one thing, Leia was far too self-willed. If her parents tried to tell her not to go down that path, it would probably make her more likely to do so.

Padme sat hugging her knees and looking out over the vast horizon. In front of her was the palace and behind her was a vast stretch of lake but to each side, a grassy plain expanded out to the mountain banked horizon. It was easy to be still here. It was easy to be calm. It was easy not to think too much. It had been hard adjusting to a life in exile after having led such an active life. In a great many ways, she still felt robbed of her identity. She didn't exactly feel lost without her public office but she felt her skills were wasted being idle. It frustrated her. But for now, she was content let her mind be empty and to drift even just for an afternoon.

- - -

On the other side of the Galaxy on the Command Ship, Darth Vader was waking up from another of his skin graft operations. This operation was to replace the skin on his second arm. It was his third operation in total. He bit the inside of his bottom lip to stop himself from groaning in pain. In order to get rid of the scarring, they had to lift the skin off entirely and graft new artificially grown skin over the muscles and tendons and bones. It would take six to twelve months for the skin to heal completely and become smooth. In the meantime, he looked worse than before. The new skin was extremely thin. It would thicken over time as the capillaries nourished it. Until that happened, the thin new skin exposed to view every blood vessel and muscle underneath. In order to ensure that the skin was all the same colour as it healed, the artificially grown skin was grown over a perfect replica of his body so that it could go on in a single piece each time rather than in patches.

His head and face was done first in an extremely long and delicate operation. When he woke up, he was unable to wear his mask for a full two weeks and had to stay in his pressurized apartments. He looked hideous and avoided being seen by staying in his private apartments and issuing orders by voice rather than hologram. He was given strong pain medication but it didn't prevent the pain entirely. He could not lie down for those first two weeks and had to sleep sitting upright in a special brace.

Once the skin began to really heal however, he could see what an excellent job the specialists and medical droids had done. The scars were completely gone and the one thin scar down the back of his head and neck where they joined the skin was barely visible and would be covered with hair eventually anyway. The skin was already returning to an almost normal tone after just one month.

He had known this surgery was available when he was so badly burnt but somehow, when he thought Padme was dead, it didn't matter at all. Nothing mattered. Apart from that, he had suffered enough physical pain in recent memory. He didn't want to go through a series of painful operations. To what end?

When he realized Padme was alive, all he was focused on was finding her. He didn't think about how the physical damage he had suffered would limit his ability to touch her, to feel the softness of her skin and hair. He also didn't realize that his appearance in his mask and armour would make it so difficult for her to see him as the Anakin she had always known since Tatooine. So often, she had looked at him as though he was a stranger and not just a stranger but a menacing and frightening stranger.

As he lay there recovering from the surgery, his arm felt as though it was on fire once more as it had been on Mustafar. Even though he was on powerful pain killers, he could feel a strange calm. It was beautifully relaxing and he wondered if it was the drugs. They had not had this effect on him before. Then he realized with a thrill of excitement that it was Padme. He had not been able to reach her for over six months. He forgot the pain in his arm. He was extremely careful in how he used the Force to make contact with her this time. It had been such a long time that he would be devastated if she broke their connection immediately. He was afraid that if she sensed him, she would immediately shut him out because she still resented her capture and imprisonment.

Then again, she had saved his life before escaping with Obi Wan and Yoda. That at least showed that she did not want him dead regardless of how much she seemed to hate the Empire and the choices he had made. He clenched his fists and then winced as the muscles in his upper arm moved under the new, thin skin and made his arm burn unbearably.

She did still care for him, he knew she did, he thought fiercely. Her actions with the poison bomb proved it. She may hate the Empire and the Dark Side but she still loved him whether she wanted to or not. It made him feel a bit sick that she probably did not want to still love him but if her feelings for him were dead then there was no way that she would not have allowed Obi Wan to kill him. It was in the best interests of what the Jedi remnant and Rebel Alliance wanted to achieve.

Obi Wan would have been displeased with her. Anakin smiled – a rare occurrence since he had turned Sith. He was glad Padme had thwarted Obi Wan's plans to save him. It showed her loyalty still ultimately lay where it should, with her husband. She may agree politically and philosophically with Obi Wan and she may even trust him as a friend but her heart was still with him, her husband.

That didn't mean that he did not want to kill Obi Wan at the earliest opportunity still. Obi Wan had turned Padme away from him with all his lies about how the Jedi were not really plotting against Anakin, the Chancellor and the Republic. The Jedi had been the enemies of liberty and justice, Anakin still believed that. Anakin also believed that Darth Sidious had plans to restore peace and justice to the entire Galaxy; he just used different (and more efficient) methods than either the Jedi or the old Republic. The Jedi had wanted to hold on to their power and Obi Wan had poisoned Padme's mind with lies that they really wanted to save the Republic and democracy.

He had thought that Padme had betrayed him with Obi Wan. After all, Obi Wan had been visiting Padme when Anakin wasn't there. He knew their secrets about their marriage and their child because Padme had confided in him. He also was able to get to Padme first after Anakin had turned Sith and fill her ears with lies which she had believed. Anakin had believed without doubt that Padme had known Obi Wan was on the ship and she had brought Obi Wan with her in order to kill him. Even her protests on Mustafar that it wasn't true didn't move him. She could have been afraid for Obi Wan's sake alone and that would be why she didn't want them to fight.

After seeing what she had done with the poison bomb, he realized that Padme was not and had ever been involved with Obi Wan. It was impossible. Any woman who loved a man would not thwart him if he tried to kill his own enemy, and Anakin and Obi Wan were certainly now enemies. If Padme wanted to be with Obi Wan, the poison bomb would have been the perfect opportunity. Anakin knew Padme was practical. She would not have saved his life out of pity. Padme herself had killed before and would do so again if need be.

The thought comforted Anakin immensely when he was feeling bereft with Padme out of his reach somewhere in the Galaxy.

For now, he could bask in her wonderful calm. He used the Force to touch ever so gently on her mind. She did not respond immediately. It was like so was sunk so deeply in a happy meditation that nothing was going to move her, not even his presence.

As Anakin lay there in pain, he gratefully soaked up her tranquility. He could sense her mind shields were in place so there was no point probing for information. Her mood slowly lulled him into a healing sleep as the drugs took effect.

- - -

Padme knew the instant that Anakin was there as she basked in the sun on the island. She didn't care. She didn't want to fight him right then. She didn't want her happiness or calm disturbed. Her mind was blissfully empty and she concentrated on the physical sensations of the sun on her skin, the grass between her toes and the sound of the water lapping at the island's edge. Padme knew happiness was fleeting. It could not be held onto. It lighted on you like a butterfly and then was off again in an instant. The only thing to do was enjoy it while it lasted. This time, Anakin was not going to steal it from her.

Padme's three days with Leia were idyllic. She brought the little girl lots of presents although it was obvious that not only did Leia not want for anything but she was also a little bit spoilt. Padme didn't mind. Let Leia enjoy her privilege. She only wished Luke could have the same.

She tried not to think too much about Luke. It hurt her not to know when she would see him again. She would miss so much, especially now that there was no hologram message contact. Yoda had forbidden even voice messages to Tatooine. Nothing must be out of place or unusual. Nothing must draw attention to Luke.

She went back to Dagobah with Yoda with reluctance. She knew it was necessary but she was tired of hiding. It had not even been two years and she was already sick of it. She felt rebellious. She was sure Yoda sensed it and she felt ungrateful for all they were doing to protect her. She was sure that Yoda would prefer not to have her under his feet all the time having the worry of protecting her. Mind you, she wasn't sure that Yoda really worried about anything. At least, he didn't seem to.

Obi Wan was unable to visit them on Dagobah now. He didn't dare leave Tatooine for a minute. Others came to visit Yoda but Padme was not allowed to see or speak to them for fear that the information may be extracted from her by force one day. Padme knew they were members of the Rebel Alliance and she desperately wanted to be included in their plans. She was used to directing armies, overseeing military strategy and planning missions. It was what she was born and trained for. It was intensely frustrating to be kept away from it now when she had so much experience to offer.

A plan began to form in the back of her mind. If she could jump to a neighbouring Galaxy, she may be able to lead a more normal life. Anakin would not expect her to run so far with such a vast number of systems to hide in within this Galaxy. In a new Galaxy, she would have more freedom perhaps. She could belong to a community and have some kind of work. She could make new friends and perhaps even Leia and Luke could one day visit her there.

The only thing that made it difficult to decide was the question of whether the long trip would mean she couldn't see at least Leia as often. Eventually she spoke to Yoda about the idea.

"Long and difficult this trip is," Yoda said contemplatively. "Weeks it would take. Many new things to learn there would be. Understand your frustration, I do. My home this is but your home, it is not. Make a new home, is your wish."

"I know it would be more difficult to see Leia but as I'm only visiting her once every six months or so now, it would only mean more travel for me when I did go," Padme reasoned.

"To cross between galaxies, difficult it is. A vast distance to cross in deep space there is, even using hyperjumps. Accompany you, I can but more inconspicuous in a passenger ship you may be," Yoda said thoughtfully. "Safer it would be for you."

"You don't think I would be recognized?" Padme asked anxiously.

"Travel in passenger ships, bounty hunters and spies do not," Yoda said with finality.

- - -

Slowly Padme began to pack her things while Yoda consulted with some of his Rebel Alliance contacts as to a suitable Galaxy and system.

Finally he chose the Fornax Galaxy which was a neighbouring Galaxy (for ease of travel) and the Sashwan system which was located close to the outer edges and on the same side at her home Galaxy.

"Two weeks travel, it will take," Yoda told her. "Huge is the passenger ship, easy it will be to lose yourself in the crowd. In your cabin, stay as much as possible. Stops in a nearby system, the passenger ship does. To take a small transport to Sashwan, easy it will be. A few hours between the two is all it is."

"What is the planet like, Yoda?" Padme asked curiously.

"Since Naboo and Alderaan you are happy on, this new home similar will be. Blue is sky, green is grass, lakes there are for you to settle by," he described. "Of humans, plenty there are. For you to blend in, easy it will be. A community that is small, that would be best for you for now."

"Thank you, Yoda," Padme whispered, more grateful than she could say for Yoda's thoughtfulness. Her brown eyes turned liquid. "What can I say? I will miss you terribly. You have been a great friend to me."

"Pleasure, it always is Padme. To see you safe, my heart it does good," Yoda said with a bow of his little head. "Miss you too, I will."

- - -

The passenger ship left a week later. It traveled regularly between the Galaxies and Padme knew that she could get back to Luke or Leia within a month if she needed to. In an emergency, she could fly herself within a week but it was a dangerous trip in a small ship flying solo, particularly with the tricky large hyperjumps.

Padme found that she enjoyed the long trip, to her surprise. Then she realized it was the first time she had both been left to herself and was allowed among strangers in a crowd for nearly two years. She felt independent again. She felt almost free.

She wore a veil over the lower part of her face similar to the one she had worn on Tatooine when she had first met Anakin. There were other women who obviously came from desert planets who were dressed in a similar fashion, so nobody paid any attention to her.

She heeded Yoda's advice and stayed in her cabin most of the time. Generally she only emerged to exchange her books at the large library on board and occasionally to buy a snack. She had her meals sent to her room and did not attempt to make any friends on board.

Within two weeks she had disembarked and taken a hired spaceship to Sashwan. Yoda had managed to get Padme a small hologram map of the planet. Together, they had chosen a small and scattered community on the edge of a large lake. It was close enough to a city for Padme to get any supplies she wanted and distant enough for spies and bounty hunters to not bother with.

A local real estate agent was able to rent her a cottage on one of the grassy hills near the lake. There was a well and a shop with local produce within walking distance. Padme would hire one of the locals to clean her cottage for her once a week and tend to the garden. It was a large cottage and Padme did not want to waste her time cleaning it when there was still more units to write for the Rebel Alliance.

It took a few weeks for Padme to feel settled in the cottage. She had regular hologram reports from Obi Wan on Luke and Bail about Leia. She saw Leia via hologram nearly every day. She was getting prettier all the time. Padme made a routine for herself of swimming in the lake, taking long walks, working on the training units, cooking for herself and making sure she was available for reports from Obi Wan and Bail.

Because the community was so scattered, Padme rarely encountered her neighbours which suited her fine. She enjoyed her independence and freedom but found her loneliness grew rather than diminished. She had been surrounded by her handmaidens for most of her public life and then she had Anakin. She was not used to being alone. Even in her exile on Naboo she would see Obi Wan fairly regularly. In the Dagobah system, she always had Yoda.

Apart from the quiet and efficient young woman who cleaned her house (and in some ways, reminded her of her handmaidens) and one of the more elderly village men who was grateful for the income to tend her garden, Padme really did not have anyone to speak to apart from her hologram contact.

From spending her life as the centre of attention and activity while in public office, she was now isolated and alone.