CHAPTER ELEVEN

"all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here there must be something more
bring me to life"

- Bring Me To Life, Evanescence

Anakin made an impulsive decision and he had to do it now before he lost the courage again. He went through to his own medical room and robotically removed his helmet and mask. He glanced in the mirror at his reflection and his old sky blue eyes looked back at him. His new hair had grown back to its old length on his shoulders and curled slightly. It was the same light brown as he remembered. Even the scar that had marked his face near one eye had vanished with the skin grafts.

He clenched his teeth. Walking back down that suite of rooms was far harder than having to tell Darth Sidious that something had gone wrong with one of their projects. He had no idea how she would react to seeing his face after so long.

Feeling light-headed, the walk back to her apartments felt several miles long. She was standing near the news hologram holding a library readout device, obviously looking something up. When he walked in she glanced up and the device fell from her fingers with a loud clunk. Her face looked like she was seeing a ghost.

"Padme," he said in his own voice for the first time in over four years, "it really is me."

The room seemed to swim in front of Padme's eyes and she sat down on the nearby couch. She simply stared for a long time. "It's like… you've come back from the dead," she said, her eyes filling with tears.

It felt a bit that way to Anakin too.

"Why now, after so long?" she asked, the tears beginning to flow.

"I was afraid to before," he admitted. "It was… safer behind the mask after all that time. I didn't know how you would react."

"Was it really easier for you?" she asked painfully. "Because it wasn't for me," she added almost angrily.

With a sob, she suddenly stood up and threw her arms around Anakin's neck and as she held him, she cried harder than she had in a long time. Anakin stood stock still in shock for a moment but quickly put his arms around her. He could feel the soft skin of her face and breathe in the scent of her hair at long last. It was so familiar that a rush of memories and emotions threatened to overwhelm him – all his best memories. He recalled the two years of agony to repair the damage the burns had created to his skin and hair. Right then, it was worth all of it.

After a long time, she finally let go of him and went to wash her face. He followed her to the bathroom and watched her reaction in the mirror when she thought she was unobserved. After washing her face, she leaned against the vanity and closed her eyes. Her face was happy and pained at the same time. She saw him watching her and she went over to him.

"I knew it was you under that mask," she said. "But I had thought I'd never see your face again."

He had removed one glove and he gently traced the skin over her cheekbone with one finger. "I thought I would never get the chance to do that again," he confessed.

She smiled and as he slowly bent his head, she lifted her mouth to his for his kiss.

Anakin could feel his heart pounding in his ears. It had been so long since he last kissed her but her touch was so familiar that it could have been yesterday. When he pulled her against him, she did not resist, even when he slowly began to undo the fastenings of her dress.

- - -

"We could have more children, Padme," Anakin said animatedly as they lay in her bed later. He ran one large hand over the silken skin of her abdomen.

Padme's could feel an iciness infiltrate her veins at the thought. She may love Anakin despite his deep faults but she would never expose her children to his influence. No child of hers would end up a Sith.

She did not tell him that his desires for children with her would never come to pass anyway. Obi Wan had gently broken the news to her that she could no longer have children because of the complications with Luke and Leia's birth. With Luke and Leia alive and healthy, and Anakin dead to her for all intents and purposes, she had not really cared too much at the time. She had felt completely numb at that time in her life.

Padme didn't reply, just moved closer to Anakin's warmth. She couldn't see what terrible thing Obi Wan was supposed to have done to Anakin. He looked and felt very much the same to her as he had before the Dark Side had divided their paths. He was as captivatingly handsome as he had ever been when his charisma and passion had won her away from her more sensible impulses.

"Do you love me?" he asked as he played with a strand of her hair, his tone light and teasing.

Padme knew it was not a light-hearted question. "I will always love you Anakin even if we can't agree on a single thing and I don't like your choices," she said truthfully and without hesitation, her brown eyes gentle as they rested on his face.

"As long as you stay with me and keep loving me, we'll learn to adjust to the rest," he promised, his sky blue eyes caressing her face.

It was that unnerving look again, Padme recognized. It made her afraid of drowning in that blueness, of losing herself in it. She must be careful not to let her love for Anakin blind her to his serious shortcomings or she could lose herself completely and for good.

- - -

Anakin spent the next few days close by Padme's side. It was like their honeymoon again in a sense except, Padme thought tiredly, she didn't know too many brides with slave devices in their neck that their husband had put there. Anakin was relaxed and looked as happy as he had at the beginning of their romance on Naboo. He laughed a great deal and seemed content to just be with her.

"When is the last time you laughed, Anakin?" she asked him gently one day when he had chuckled over her description of some of her neighbours on Sashwan.

He looked at her, introspective all of a sudden. "Not since you left me," he replied without hesitation.

It was on the tip of Padme's tongue to ask him whether perhaps the Dark Side had more to do with it than her absence but she decided not to spoil the day. She knew it would provoke an argument.

"When did you last laugh?" he asked good-humoredly, trying to lighten the mood again.

"When my housekeeper's pet ate her washing," Padme replied and laughed. He joined in and the moment passed.

During that time, Anakin turned off all hologram messaging so that no-one outside the room could see him without his mask. He monitored all activities on his various projects via voice reports only.

After a few days, Anakin become more moody and pensive.

"What is it?" she asked with concern, touching his arm where he sat on her couch.

"It's Sidious. He's on his way back to the Command Ship," Anakin said, his face shuttered.

"Are you sure?" she asked gently.

"Yes, I'm sure. There is a tie between us. We sense each other's movements. He knew when I was… in trouble on Mustafar," Anakin explained, frowning.

Padme was filled with horror. Her beautiful Anakin was tied in some profound way to that monster?

"How does that work?" she asked curiously, almost not wanting to know.

"The bond between a Sith Lord and his apprentice is well known to the Jedi, Padme. It works a little like my bond to you. I can sometimes sense what you're feeling. With Sidious, however, it's more a bonding of purpose and destiny. He is bound by the Force to teach me what he knows and protect me, and I am bound to obey and serve his interests," Anakin muttered, looking away from her.

"It sounds like a kind of slavery to me," Padme commented.

"It gives me enormous power, Padme. I can do so much more than I could as a Jedi," he replied defensively.

"Can you?" Padme asked asked doubtfully. "It sounds like your own plans and wishes are submerged in those of the Sith Lord."

"No, it's more like my plans and wishes naturally flow with his without effort," Anakin attempted to explain.

"Well, he's not going to wish for me to be in your life," Padme said matter-of-factly, walking a few paces away from her tense husband and standing with her back to him.

"He doesn't know about you," Anakin said, watching her.

"Oh, doesn't he?" Padme replied meaningfully, looking at him over her slender shoulder. "Do you think it's a coincidence he's coming back now?"

Anakin looked at her but could think of nothing to say. There was every chance that she was right.

- - -

Sidious was back in the Command Ship the very next day and Darth Vader was back to greet him when he arrived. All the projects under his care were going well and Sidious would have no reason to complain but Padme's words from yesterday had stayed with him.

Sidious and Vader held a de-briefing session on the bridge. From his throne, Darth Sidious examined his apprentice from under his hood.

"All your projects are going well very, my young apprentice," Sidious said smoothly in his nasally voice.

"Yes, my master," Darth Vader replied.

"I sense a change in you," Sidious said after a long pause.

Vader tensed. "Do you, master?" he said respectfully.

"Yes," Sidious said and paused again. "I sense… another influence over you."

"You are my master and Emperor," Vader replied automatically.

"Yes and you are a good apprentice, the best I have had but I think you carry other things in your heart – other loyalties," Darth Sidious responded.

The tension in the room was thick enough to cut with a knife.

"What are you speaking of, my master?" Vader asked.

"Your wife," Sidious said deliberately. Vader visibly tensed under his armour. "She is here now, isn't she? I knew you were looking for her but until the last few days, I didn't realize you had succeeded. I felt some of your loyalty to me divide. I felt some of your focus move away from our plans," he accused.

"You told me she was dead!" Vader said with gritted teeth, anger sparking within him.

Sidious shrugged, not concerned by Vader's indictment. "I thought she was," he said. "That was what we were all told at the time. I had no reason to doubt the reports." Sidious suddenly leaned forward. "But you did, didn't you? You felt her presence using the Force one day and began looking for her. All the time, you were hiding your plans from me," he accused coldly.

"It did not interfere with my work on our plans, master," Vader said stiffly. "You said yourself that everything was progressing extremely well."

"I don't criticize your work, my apprentice. I criticize your divided loyalties," Sidious spat back.

"As I said master, my loyalty is to you and the Empire," Vader repeated.

"Really? And I suppose Padme now approves of the Dark Side and Sith, does she?" Sidious said sarcastically.

Vader stayed silent.

"She has too much influence over you, I don't like it!" Sidious concluded. "She is a weakness with you, a vulnerable spot that anyone could exploit. You will never be as powerful or invincible as you could be with Padme in your life."

Under his mask, Anakin clenched his jaw. He didn't like what Sidious was saying but he had not spent four years in misery trying to find her only to put her away from him again because Sidious told him to.

"I don't believe that is true, master. I know I can reach the highest pinnacle of power possible as a Sith regardless of whether or not my wife is with me," he argued.

Darth Sidious leaned back in his throne and examined his apprentice in silence from under his hood. Vader stood silently under his appraisal.

"You will have to kill her," Sidious pronounced eventually.

"Never!" Vader replied without hesitation or thought.

"If you really want to reach your full potential under the Dark Side certain… er… shall we say… sacrifices have to be made. You cannot have any form of attachment. Your Jedi training should have taught you at least that. It is even more so with the Dark Side. There can be no divided loyalties, no distractions and no attachment. Even friendship can dilute and complicate the purity of your purpose. There is no place for spouses when serving the Dark Side of the Force," Sidious said dispassionately.

"I won't kill her," Vader said through clenched teeth.

"I can't do it for you," Sidious said, taking Vader by surprise. He had been sure that Sidious would attempt exactly that sooner or later and he had been prepared to fight and kill his master if need be.

"The only way for you to reach your full potential is to sever this attachment by killing her yourself. There is great power in this act. If you don't, you are choosing to be less than you can be. The choice is yours alone," Sidious said mildly. "I won't come between husband and wife," he added with one of his odd smiles. "I have to tour the Death Star now," Sidious said, standing up. "I suggest you think about what I said."

Darth Vader nodded once and turned to go.

"By the way," Sidious called out after him. "I am not happy with your lack of loyalty to me in trying to hide your plans for Padme from me."

Before Vader could protest, Sidious had hit him with vicious lightening bolts as punishment. He left Vader lying on the bridge room floor with blue electrical charges running over his helmet and armour, seriously compromising his ability to breathe.

- - -

Anakin staggered back to his rooms and removed his helmet and mask to help him breathe more easily in the pressurized room. His mask would need repairing and probably parts of his life support system too. He gave the mask to the medical droid to get started on.

He stumbled into his control room in his suite and collapsed onto one of the seats nearby.

Padme came through a short time later to use the more comprehensive research library stored in Anakin's rooms. When she saw Anakin's pale face, she gasped.

"What's wrong? Are you ill? I thought you would be with Darth Sidious at least all day," she said, frightened by how awful he looked. In truth, she had not expected to see Anakin for days or weeks now that Sidious was back. She put out her hand to touch him.

"Don't! The armour probably still has an electrical charge," he warned sharply.

"An electrical charge? What happened?" Padme demanded, pulling her hand back.

"Sidious knew about you…" He was panting slightly, still recovering. "He didn't like it. Thought it 'divided my loyalties'," he explained.

"So he did this to you?" Padme asked angrily, her disbelief written all over her face. "How often does he do this sort of thing?"

Anakin shrugged. "It's how he punishes me," he admitted.

"Punishes you? You're not a naughty child, you're a grown man!" Padme almost yelled.

"That's the Sith way," Anakin said flatly.

"And you just accept that?" Padme asked furiously.

"I don't have much choice. I pledged my life to Sidious' teachings. It's not an oath easily broken," Anakin replied with an odd mixture of defiance and resignation.

"That is evil," Padme said unequivocally.

"It's one way to encourage someone not to make mistakes," Anakin replied wryly.

Padme shook her head and looked away. She did not know what it would take for Anakin to realize the truth about the Dark Side.

"He wanted me to kill you," Anakin said in a low voice.

"Of course he did!" Padme said immediately. "He's the Sith Lord and he wants to completely control his apprentice. I might be a distraction to you," she said sarcastically.

It was so close to the essence of what Sidious had said that he lifted his head and stared at her. "How did you know?" he asked incredulously.

"Evil is a very straightforward thing in some ways, Anakin," she retorted.

He wanted to say that Sidious wasn't evil but for the first time, he was no longer sure.

- - -

Darth Sidious' words stayed with Anakin, however. He knew he would never kill Padme. He may do things to her that she hated like using tracking and slave devices to keep her with him but he would never murder her. But he often wondered what Sidious had meant about his 'full potential'. He had grown enormously in the Force in the past four years. If he could hold his own against Yoda and Obi Wan in a light sabre fight, then his power had increased exponentially. Besides that, he could feel it. The power of the Force flowed through him, connecting him to the untapped potential of the Universe. In a way, it was sometimes like carrying the Universe within me, he thought. He couldn't imagine how much more there was. He knew Sidious was still more powerful than himself but it would not be long before Anakin caught up. Would he really be invincible without his attachment to Padme? It seemed impossible. Even Darth Plagueis, Sidious' Sith master had not been invincible. Sidious had murdered him in his sleep in order to become the Sith Lord and Sidious admitted that Darth Plagueis had known more of the Dark Side of the Force than Sidious himself did now.

If reaching his full potential could not save him from being murdered in his sleep by an apprentice one day, why would he kill Padme for it even if could bring himself to do it? He already knew that he couldn't kill her anyway, so it was a moot point. He had a suspicion that Darth Sidious was manipulating him into killing Padme, not so much to allow his apprentice to 'reach his full potential' as to murder every last thing in Anakin that may make him away from Sidious' purposes.

Suddenly, for the first time, Anakin found himself doubting that Sidious was a completely good man as he had always thought. If he wasn't, then why was the Sith Lord putting in place all the plans to 'protect the Empire's interests'? Perhaps it wasn't the Empire that Sidious was concerned about but there was some deeper, darker plan that Anakin had not been made privy to. Sidious could be playing some hidden game.

One thing Anakin knew for sure, his deep and unshakable faith in Sidious had been badly undermined by his master's wish for him to kill Padme.

- - -

Padme was thinking about the same thing as she sat in her suite, pretending to read the research she had done.

There was something in her both relieved and glad that Anakin had not mindlessly obeyed his Sith master and killed her. It meant that Anakin was truly alive and well under all that Darth Vader had become.

His 'punishment' both shocked and angered her. She could not understand wanting to serve a master like that. Then again, she had not understood his choices for a long time.

It surprised her that Darth Sidious should be so easy for her to predict but that Anakin was stunned by his master's actions. Didn't he know his master by now, having served him for four long years? Surely Anakin didn't still believe that his master was a good man? She didn't understand this peculiar blindness that he had towards his Sith Lord. It was as though he wanted the power that Sidious had to offer so badly that he was prepared to contort the evidence of his own eyes and ears in order to cling to the idea that Sidious was 'good'. The thought depressed her. How could you reach someone like that? Their whole life, their entire thought processes were based around a lie that they wanted to believe.

Padme knew that the only person who could help Anakin was Anakin. She sighed and went back to her research.