CHAPTER TWELVE

"I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all"

- Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now

Anakin was away with Darth Sidious for most of the next few weeks. Padme would see him on the occasional evening but generally, Sidious kept him busy. On the few occasions Padme saw him, he looked very serious and brooded a great deal which was not at all like Anakin's old nature that she had come to know on Naboo. Something was bothering him and it was more than just the usual changes she saw when Anakin had been enmeshed with the Dark Side of the Force for a period.

She asked him about it one night as they lay in her bed. "Something is bothering you. More than just Sidious' constant demands," she said quietly, looking into his frowning face. The shadows played over it, emphasizing the beauty of the planes and angles of his cheekbones and jaw.

He glanced at her and then looked away again, hiding his expression. He was obviously struggling with whether to discuss it with her or not. "It's nothing Padme," he said finally, stroking the hair off her face, "nothing that you can help me with this time."

Padme nodded and sighed. She closed her eyes to go to sleep. Once upon a time, she would have pressed him about it but there was so much more between them now that neither could bridge. It was probably true that she could not help him. Even in the days when she had been pregnant and Anakin so fearful, she had not been able to help him. She sighed again when she remembered where that had led and frowned before she slowly went to sleep.

Anakin watched her as she frowned but she did not open her eyes again. In some ways she was different then when they had first married. She seemed more resigned in her attitude to things. Her life had not worked out as she would have hoped or liked, he realized with a twist of his lips. He wanted to give her everything that she desired but unfortunately, her greatest desire was to get away from the Dark Side and he was now irretrievably linked to it.

His disillusionment with Sidious had been at the heart of his brooding and moods these past weeks. It had never entered his mind that Sidious may not have everyone else's best interests at heart, both Anakin's own and that of the Empire. If Sidious was capable of being manipulative to serve his own ends entirely, what else was he capable of? Perhaps his plans for the Empire were simply to serve his purposes rather than establish peace? After all, it had been well over four years since the Senate fell and there was still not peace in the Galaxy. If anything, there were far more wars and violence.

If all of this was the case, why had he not seen through Sidious when he had not relinquished his leadership of the Senate? Padme had seen it and so had Obi Wan and Yoda and the other Jedi. He still did not believe that the Jedi had not their own power to protect and this was the main motivation for their actions but if they had been even partly right about Sidious all along then where did that leave him now? What did that make him now? The thought made him feel sick but he suddenly couldn't escape it.

Why had he been blind to what others saw in Sidious' nature? In some ways, Sidious was subtle beyond belief. He had maintained iron control of the Senate for a long time, all the while appearing as though his only interests were democracy and the survival of the Republic. Yet, he had taken his first opportunity to overthrow it and establish an Empire. Anakin had honestly believed that he had done it because the Senate was failing in its duty to establish peace. Now, he wondered if peace had ever figured in Sidious' plans. He had certainly failed to accomplish it. More and more, Anakin could see the pattern of the Emperor's rule and it was not a peaceful one. Perhaps his actions showed more of his true intent than his words. If that were so, then Sidious could not be trusted with anything, even helping Anakin obtain the power with the Force that he still craved.

Anakin frowned. He wondered what it was about himself that had not allowed him to have healthy doubts about Sidious. Anakin pulled his wife's sleeping form closer, finding comfort and pleasure in her familiar shape and warmth. He had not seen the things that had tipped the other Jedi off about the then-Chancellor's plans. He had simply thought that if the Jedi were plotting against the Chancellor then they were plotting to overthrow the Republic to their own ends. However, the other Jedi had simply seen earlier what he was only beginning to suspect now.

Was he so hungry for power and knowledge of the Force that it blinded him to the truth? Or were there even more sinister reasons?

His past had not prepared him for wielding power in the way that Padme's upbringing and education had. He knew she came from a stable and happy family. He knew she had had the best education available on Naboo. She had been trained from a young age in democratic processes, diplomacy and politics. He had a feeling that although she was a respected, even loved leader; it still did not sit comfortably with her. He saw the talent that others saw and believed it would be a waste for it not to be used but he suspected that she was uneasy with having power over others. She did not like it.

For some reason he couldn't put his finger on, he craved power almost desperately. He knew Yoda said his desire was born of fear. Obi Wan had said it often enough. But he had not had the training that Padme did nor the education and so while his determination and talent had brought him the power he wanted up to a point, he was not sure of the best way to put it to use. Padme knew when to use power and when to pull back least it oppress others. Anakin had never learnt that fine distinction.

It had annoyed him that Yoda and Obi Wan had spoken so much of his 'fear'. It was a criticism that he didn't understand because he didn't feel afraid of getting hurt or of being in battle. He had displayed his courage time and time again as a Padawan. It made him angry again just thinking of it. After all, what did Yoda or Obi Wan know about feeling afraid? Obi Wan had been brought up in a similar way to Padme. It had been all good schools and a well bred, aristocratic family for him. Yoda had grown up in a swamp surrounded by his frog-like siblings. What had he to fear? Neither of them had been chained like an animal in a slave market as a child nor been passed from master to master like a commodity. Neither of them had faced the constant insecurity of never having a home of their own and being dependent on the mercy and whims of their master. Neither of them had been punished for every mistake from a young age and made to feel as though their feelings and thoughts and dreams meant nothing because they really weren't even quite human.

Anakin realized he was trembling with anger over the thought of how hard the Jedi Council and Obi Wan particularly had been on him. They never over-looked a single mistake either. Every thought in his head was subject to the scrutiny and criticism of his Jedi Master. At least as a slave on Tatooine, he had owned his own thoughts even if he was not allowed to speak them.

There were so many things he had not learned as a child because of his slavery. He had not learned to feel that he was important in his own right. His worth had always been judged by what he could do for his master rather than who he was. With a sudden start, he realized he was still in exactly the same position now. Darth Sidious did not care about Anakin for his own sake; Sidious was only interested in what Anakin could do as Darth Vader, his Sith apprentice. If Anakin said that he no longer wanted to serve Sidious' purposes and did not agree with his plans, Sidious would have no further use for him. In fact, Sidious would kill him. Anakin was still spending his life trying to satisfy an insatiable master.

Why was he, as a man, still following the pattern of his childhood, he wondered? He had wanted power in order to be free and make his own choices, not to use them for the purposes of a master. Had his early years imprinted themselves on him so deeply that he could not imagine life without a master to guide him and give him purpose? Was he incapable of setting his own destiny?

He shook his head suddenly. No, that couldn't be true. He had chosen his own destiny. He had left his mother on Tatooine in order to pursue his freedom.

Instead, he had spent the next ten years saying "yes master, no master" to Obi Wan. But he had figured that if he could learn everything he could from the Jedi and become the most powerful Jedi ever then he would have his freedom. He could run the Jedi Council in much the same way that Yoda did, by sheer force of talent and wisdom. Everyone deferred to Yoda. He had wanted everyone to defer to him. In that way, he could be in control and no-one could ever…

Ever what, he puzzled? Ever tell him what to do again? Ever thwart his plans? Or maybe… ever hurt him again?

He shivered. Perhaps his desire for power was really a desire for enough control so that no-one could ever harm him again. Because he had been hurt - he had been hurt by being chained up and sold as a child. He had been hurt by never knowing his own father. He had been hurt by having to leave his mother in order to escape his life of slavery. He had been hurt by never having a real family of his own or any stability. He was ashamed of his own lack of education and sophistication. Perhaps that's why Padme mesmerized him. It wasn't just her beauty or her caring nature, perhaps she simply had had all he lacked and still craved. What was absent in himself, he had found in her.

The things that tormented him when he allowed himself to think of them (which wasn't often) had more to do with the humiliation of his situation and of having to obey others not as clever as himself, and with the fear of the arbitrary nature of his masters. He had not been treated mercifully. It was harder still to see his mother oppressed and the humiliation she endured having to clean the mess that others left behind. She showed more grace and character than her own masters ever did.

He learned to seek approval as a means of escaping punishment. In order to accomplish this, it took a great deal of hard work and discipline and cleverness. He learnt early to excel at pleasing his masters. He learnt early that it was essential to survival to impress his superiors. If he wanted to stay alive and not be treated harshly, he had to be exceptional. He developed the skill of learning quickly and working hard and outperforming those around him. He had taken that drive into the Jedi but they had not understood it. They had called it arrogance and being showy. He knew no other way to be. He couldn't resist the pull to 'be the best' and outperform everyone around him. It made him feel secure.

Padme was perhaps the only person who had played an important role in his life who had demanded very little of him. His eyes caressed the soft curves of her face in the half light. She gave more than she asked for. Even fundamentally disagreeing with his choices, she did not stop loving him. Any of his masters, Obi Wan included, would kill him for the same thing.

Of course, he was suspicious of losing anything good in his life. He supposed that explained his almost uncontrollable jealousy over Padme. Everything that was good in his life had been taken from him at some point; his liberty, his dignity, his opportunities, his parents and even his own sense of identity. He jealously guarded anything good that came into his life as a result. In fact, he believed that Padme was the only completely good thing he had ever had but he had been terrified all the time that she would change her mind or find someone else that she preferred. She really seemed too good to be true. He was not used to good fortune and he was certainly not used to being wanted without any strings attached. He could never quite believe that she really loved him. He was cautious when he felt lucky. He was not used to the feeling.

He was still struggling for a sense of identity even now in his mid-twenties. Padme had been right as per usual. His personality was in danger of being buried in Darth Sidious'. His desires may naturally mesh with his master's but was that really him making the choice or was it the influence of the Dark Side of the Force? Was he willing to give up his identity for the safety of feeling powerful and thus safe from harm? Was it inevitable that someone with his lack of individuality would have naturally been drawn to life as a Sith apprentice? Did that explain why he was drawn to the Dark Side when most Jedi resisted it?

He had never had much chance to develop his independence. He had been focused on pleasing his masters in order to survive. Their appreciation gave him his only sense of self. He was dependent on his master's approval to feel any sense of significance at all, he realized with a jolt. Perhaps that was really how Darth Sidious had recruited him. He was always telling Anakin how gifted and special he was. Anakin had deeply needed the approval. He got so little from Obi Wan that it frustrated him deeply and made him self-defensive in a way that sounded like arrogance. Obi Wan made him feel inadequate. Obi Wan made him feel like a nonperson again. He always needed to prove his worth to Obi Wan and point out his accomplishments. He had needed Obi Wan's praise. It had never been forthcoming very often. Darth Sidious had always made him feel like a somebody.

Anakin wondered if Darth Sidious had known this all along and had played on the weaknesses left over from his past. If so, he was a master at manipulation with a subtlety that Anakin could barely comprehend. However, it also meant that Anakin was remarkably vulnerable in a sense. It made him easily led. He didn't like that thought at all. Anakin liked to think of himself as strong and invincible, as determined and decisive. He did not like to believe that he had been easily deceived and led down a certain path by someone who understood his vulnerabilities and exploited them.

At the same time that Anakin felt lost without the approval of a master and had little sense of self, he also had an enormous sense of entitlement. He had suffered as a child and he had worked harder than anybody else he knew. He was angry that he had had to go through so much - deeply angry. It burned him up and ate at him. He warranted the attention and praise of his masters. He had more than earned it. Not only did he crave the recognition but he also hungered after everything good that life had to offer him. He deserved compensation for all he had suffered, he believed that without question. He would hold onto every good thing that came his way with both hands because he knew with certainty that he was entitled to it after so much misery.

He had lost other things later - his friends among the Jedi when they decided to try and take power from the Senate, his son when he had been born dead, his limbs. All these things had been stolen from him. Now his life was tied irrevocably to his Sith master. He had not minded that so much until recently. Now, with all the suspicions and revelations of the past few days and weeks, it seemed like his freedom was truly gone again and this time, he would never get away.

He looked at his sleeping wife again. Truly, she had been and still was the only good thing in his life, and nothing and nobody was taking her from him. Not even his Sith Lord.

Anakin got up, careful not to wake Padme. He tied a dressing gown on and went over to the portal at the other end of her bedroom. With his arms wrapped around him, he paced with a bent head.

His thoughts were tormenting him. He wasn't able to escape them. Was the mere idea of being told to kill Padme by Sidious suddenly opening all these new doors in his mind like floodgates and making him reassess his entire life? He wanted these new views to go away but his mind ran on with a restlessness that frightened him.

He had not thought of being a slave boy on Tatooine since he left the place. He deliberately had not thought of it. He had pushed it way deep down inside himself, buried it under his merciless drive for power from the Force. He had believed that if he achieved more than any other Jedi ever had that somehow all the shame and humiliation he had felt as a little boy would disappear forever. He wanted that little boy on Tatooine to disappear forever even if he had had to become Darth Vader to do it.

He realized he was shivering again. He had betrayed the little boy that he had been in the same way that everyone else in his life had. He had become the worst tyrant of all the tyrants he had had to endure. When he no longer had real slave masters, his ambitions and his hunger to forget who had been had taken their place. He had driven himself far harder than any master he had ever had. He had punished himself for mistakes with an unforgiving self-hatred. He would not tolerate failure or imperfections in himself.

Yet, for all that, the little boy he had been still looked out of his eyes at the Universe around him. He still saw things through his eyes. He still experienced life with the reactions of his child self. He saw threats to his safety and security everywhere. He constantly expected punishment and reacted self-defensively to everything. He not only expected constant criticism and impossible demands from others, he imposed these things on himself now.

He thought back to when he was very little. He remembered being overly sensitive to the feelings of others which made him hideously vulnerable. He had always been quiet and he enjoyed learning things on his own. What would his life have become if he had not been a slave boy? Would he still have been fearful all the time? Would he still be so concerned with pleasing his 'masters'? Would he have been so driven to be the best in order to become invulnerable? If he had had the stability and education and security and love that Obi Wan, Yoda and Padme had grown up with would he have been more like them? Would he still be a Jedi with the Jedi Order intact and Darth Sidious now dead?

The most tormenting thing of all was how deeply he had absorbed the attitude of his masters, how deeply worthless he had felt as a child and subsequently all his life. Even now, having achieved all that he had, he still didn't feel like it was enough. It still left him feeling empty and ashamed.

He had betrayed himself in this way, lining up with his old masters against himself. The realization knifed through Anakin's brain and he drew a shaky breath. Why had he allied himself with the enemy? Did he hate himself so much? Had they succeeded so well at destroying everything he was - every last bit of identity and self-worth that he even cooperated with them? He stumbled against the wall as the horror of the revelation hit him for the first time like a body blow. He wasn't just shivering, he was shaking. Tears ran from his eyes.

And he knew without doubt that everything he had done with his life had been an unconscious result of this dreadful truth. It was why he had not been able to suspect Sidious and why he had been so hungry for power and achievement that he would even turn to the Dark Side.

He glanced at the bed where Padme was sleeping peacefully. He knew he had desperately wanted to save Padme's life but Sidious had known it as well. How brilliantly he had played his cards, how cleverly he had played Anakin himself. Anakin had walked right into the trap and it was a trap that he could not escape from, not without risking Padme's life now.

Anakin sat down on the couch. He felt like he had been run over. He felt completely off-balance. His world had just crumbled around him. It would take him a long time to adjust to this new view of his own life. Someday, he would have to tell Padme too but not yet. He was still getting used to it himself. His mind was still trying to comprehend all these sudden revelations and his emotions could not keep up.

- - -

There were times in the next few days when Anakin wondered if Sidious knew the fundamental changes that had happened in his thoughts and feelings. There was a bond between them of sorts and if Sidious had felt it when Anakin had Padme back in his life again, then how could he miss such a primary and vast shift in the deepest parts of Anakin's psyche?

If Sidious had felt anything, he gave nothing of his thoughts away to his apprentice. Anakin knew that didn't mean a thing. Sidious would bide his time and use his knowledge to his own best advantage; Anakin didn't doubt that for a moment any longer.

- - -

Padme was restless with Anakin away from their suite so much these days. He had been careful to give her projects which were of importance to the Empire but revealed nothing of the Emperor's plans. She didn't mind. She didn't want to know any longer. Without the ability to escape and put the information to good use, it was not of any importance to her. She knew that whatever Sidious' plans were, people were going to get hurt. There was little she could do about it where she was. She even knew that the work she did on the projects Anakin gave her may turn out worthless if he decided they weren't bringing results fast enough. She had already learned that the hard way.

But the work did help while away the long days in confinement. Her world was now very small. The only glimpse she had of outside the walls of their suites was the stars outside the portals. She would often stand there for long periods, staring at the endless brilliance. She wondered if Leia and Luke were in the system of one of the stars she could see.

She still thought of them every day. If she stayed here for very much longer, she would miss so much of their development. They would both be five in a few months. It would be the first birthday of Leia's that Padme could not attend. Tears came to her eyes at the thought. Would Leia think she abandoned her? Leia knew Padme was her mother although she really had two mothers now with Bail's wife. Padme knew Bail and his wife would try to explain to the little girl but was she too young to understand? Would Padme's absence hurt her?

Perhaps she had been wrong to insist on seeing her children. Perhaps Leia and Luke would be happier if they hadn't known that their adoptive parents were not their real parents. She should have known that even her life of hiding would not last very long. She had underestimated Anakin's skill with the Force and his own determination to have her with him. Perhaps it had all been selfishness on her part all along to want to be a part of their lives. Perhaps it would have been less selfish to let them go completely.

Padme wiped away the tears that had fallen. Crying wasn't going to bring them to her or change the past. The melancholy that afflicted her would not abate however. She missed her children terribly and she could not get past that feeling.

Just then, Padme heard Anakin enter his suite. He came over to her immediately as he always did. "You're upset," through the mask, it was a statement and not a question.

"I'm alright, Anakin. It's probably just cabin fever," she said with a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. Her mind shields were tightly locked.

Anakin sighed in frustration behind his mask. He couldn't talk to her properly with the damn thing on. He strode into his medical room and quickly removed the mask and helmet, and came back to where she was standing looking up at the stars. She stood there like that often, he suddenly realized.

He put his arms around her and she leaned her head on his shoulder. "I could feel your sadness on my way back here," he said questioningly.

"There are things I miss out there," she said, inclining her head towards the vast web of stars outside the portal.

"I would love to take you out there, Padme but you would run away from me and I couldn't bear it," he said straight-forwardly.

Padme didn't bother to deny it. She loved Anakin and she wanted to be with him but with the choices he had made, being with him was very costly to her.

"You've been quiet yourself," she said gently but did not press him.

After a moment, he said, "one day I'll tell you why Padme but for now, it's too hard for me to explain."

"Is Darth Sidious pleased with your work?" she asked, more anxious for his peace of mind than caring a jot for the Emperor's plans.

"Very," Anakin said truthfully.

"Good," Padme said.

"Good?" Anakin repeated in surprise. He did not think Padme would approve any of Sidious' plans.

"It's good that he's pleased. Perhaps he'll go away again. At the very least, he won't give you a hard time," Padme explained bluntly.

He placed a kiss on her curly hair and hugged her tightly. "He's going back to the other side of the Galaxy tomorrow."

Padme smiled.