NB – There is a large jump forwards in time in this chapter – it's well marked so you won't miss it. The jump is essential to my plan to stay as much inside the Canon as I can, even in an AU fiction. Also, I think it's far more realistic that the problems between Anakin and Padme are not worked out quickly even taking into account Anakin's recent revelations. The missing chunk of time could be written into the fic but it would extend the story out far too long, mess up the pacing and would also add nothing to the development of the plot or characters that we haven't seen already. Again, thanks to those who have been kind enough to review and leave feedback. It's always fun to hear some of the really great ideas people have. I actually completed the fiction a few days ago so I know how it ends (and no, I'm not telling!). I really wish some of you would write your great ideas into your own fics because they would make fantastic new stories to add to the fanon. Thanks again, guys!
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
"Understand the things I say, don't turn away from me
'Cause I've lived half my life out there, you wouldn't disagree
Do you see me, do you like me?
Do you notice, do know?
Does anyone care?
Understand what I've become, it wasn't my design"
- Cranberries, Ode To My Family
Both Padme and Anakin recovered fairly quickly. Anakin was busy for several days once back on his feet, setting up the projects that Sidious had given him. He knew he could not waste any time if he was to complete them before Sidious came back. He hired a legion of new workers on the Death Star and set specific time limits for each section that had to be completed. He also employed more engineers to supervise the work. If there were any faults in the Death Star when Sidious came back, Anakin knew the price he would pay. He also sent out recruitment scouts to round up the most talented space flight engineers and weaponry engineers they could find. It would take a very skilled team to create a faster and more capable fighter ship, and the best minds in the Galaxy to create a weapon with enough fire power to destroy a planet.
Every day when Anakin went back to his suite, he was reminded why he was doing this. Padme had a painful bruise across her temple and cheekbone that didn't fade completely for weeks. Anakin's own burns took a couple of weeks to lose their sting despite the daily application of burn ointment and antiseptic powder by the medical droid. Every time he moved in his armour, he remembered the consequences of disobedience.
Padme didn't press him as to the reasons for Sidious' displeasure. Anakin had promised to explain to her in time and she didn't want to put pressure on him when he was so obviously preoccupied and stressed.
- - -
Over the next year, Anakin would involve Padme in the new ship's design. She had been with him for almost a year already and he was more comfortable with the idea of giving her access to some of the more minor Empire secrets. After all, if she was going to try to escape or if the Jedi remnant were going to try and rescue her, it would have happened by now. The design secrets of the new ship would not be much of a secret to take back to the Rebel Alliance. It would take too long and be too expensive to build for such a small group. Besides that, it was unlikely that once their own fleet of the new ships was built, the Rebel Alliance couldn't very quickly learn its engineering secrets from seeing it in action.
Padme had been (and still was) an excellent pilot. She understood aircraft engineering from a military point of view and knew what was practically possible and what wasn't. Anakin built the simulator in the rooms next to his own and expanded the boundaries of her slave device to allow her to run through various scenarios there. She was quite happy to test the instruments and make suggestions for improvements. For Padme, it was almost like her old life while she was in there.
- - -
Once all the projects were up and running and also were running to schedule, Anakin seemed to relax slightly. He spent more time in their suite supervising work via the hologram messenger rather than feeling as though he had to be there personally at all hours.
One evening after they had actually been able to eat dinner together for once and Anakin didn't have to rush off to supervise some important stage of the building of the fighter ship (or whatever else it was that Sidious had given him to do), Padme broached the question she had put off for the last six months since the Emperor had last been there.
"You never told me why Sidious attacked you," she said gently, looking at him searchingly.
Anakin sighed. "I did promise to tell you about that, didn't I?" he asked with a wry smile. It was at times like these that Anakin looked almost like his boyish self again. He was not even quite 28 yet and on the rare occasions when he smiled, he looked very young to Padme. Anakin took a deep breath. Padme was not going to like this.
"Sidious wanted me to kill you, as you know. I refused and he was angry. But it was more than that Padme. It shook my faith in Sidious," he said seriously, his sky blue eyes turned inward as he remembered that devastating period when he began to realize the truth. "I realized for the first time that Sidious did not have my best interests at heart."
Padme was tempted to roll her eyes and say, "really?" very sarcastically but she did not want to interrupt Anakin when he was telling her something that was obviously very important to him.
"And then I thought to myself – well, if he doesn't have my best interests at heart perhaps he may not have the best interests of the Empire at heart either," he continued.
Padme's interest was well and truly caught now. Her eyes narrowed and she frowned slightly as she concentrated on what he was saying. Could he finally have woken up to all that Sidious was, she wondered hopefully?
"Then I thought about the past few years as his apprentice and how he had promised to bring peace to the Galaxy with the Empire. I realized that the Galaxy had had more wars and seen more death in this time than in any other time in its history. How then was he keeping his promise? I realized that maybe it had been a sham all along. Perhaps he had always just wanted power for his own purposes. The other Jedi saw it long before the Republic fell. I had thought the Jedi Council was afraid of losing their influence in the Republic because Palpatine did not trust them. I thought that's why they were suspicious of him. I realized on Sidious' last visit that the Jedi may simply have seen his lust for power over the Republic long before I did."
Padme felt a bit surreal. For so long, she had wanted to hear Anakin say these things but she had stopped believing he ever would. Now that he was, she was stunned into silence.
"But there is worse, Padme," he said, glancing at her intent face and then looking away again. "I realized for the first time why I hadn't seen what the Jedi had seen. I realized how Palpatine had lured me, slowly and carefully, to the Dark Side of the Force. I realized how easy it had been for him, in a sense. I was vulnerable to him for all sorts of reasons that I've only just understood."
He paused and took a deep breath. "I had doubts, Padme; very, very serious doubts. Suddenly everything that I thought I knew crumbled around me like dust. The only person that I thought I could trust completely suddenly seemed to have become my greatest enemy. And the people that I thought were my enemies, suddenly seemed to have understood everything that I was blind to. I was no longer sure that I was doing the right thing with my life anymore. The worst of it is that I'm bound to the one person that I now trust the least. I can't free myself."
He glanced back at his wife, waiting for her reaction. He knew she would be pleased with his doubts.
"Sidious punished you for your doubts?" Padme asked but it was more like a statement.
Anakin merely nodded.
"How did he know if you didn't tell him?" Padme asked curiously but she had her suspicions.
"As I said, there is a bond between a Sith Master and his apprentice. He knew that I had you here from the other side of the Galaxy. He felt it. I think he felt my doubts because it meant that I had lost a great deal of my passion for our shared plans. He could feel that through the Force," Anakin explained, watching her changing facial expressions.
Padme was not pleased to share her husband's soul with a foul monster like Sidious. On the other hand, it was good that Anakin had lost his passion for his master's plans.
"What are you going to do?" she asked.
"I have to stay here and finish my apprenticeship, Padme. I don't have any other choice," Anakin said simply. He knew she wasn't going to like it.
"You have other choices, Anakin. I think that although you distrust Sidious, he can still offer you something that you want," she said flatly.
Anakin pressed his lips together. She was right but only partly.
"These things that made you vulnerable to Palpatine's lies, what were they?" Padme asked softly.
Anakin examined his wife's beautiful face. If she was to ever forgive him completely for all his actions, she would need to understand the truth. But it was hard to tell her. She was the one person that he didn't wish to appear weak or gullible in front of. Telling her the truth about his past and how it made him feel and how it led to the choices he had made would be one of the hardest things he would ever do. He had the same feeling as he had when he had shown Padme what was behind Vader's mask. He couldn't guess her reaction but it was a risk he had to take.
Slowly, painfully, Anakin outlined his past experiences as a child slave on Tatooine and as a Padawan. He kept his eyes lowered as he described how it had made him feel, how it had affected his outlook on life and how it had made him vulnerable to Palpatine's interest and approval. He got angry when he remembered how hard the Jedi Council had been on him when he was doing his best and how fed up he had been with the constant criticism. At that time, Palpatine had been his only source of positive feedback.
He also confessed how hard it was for him not to cling to any good thing that came into his life and how it had led to his jealousy over her and finally, his fear for her life had been the final push into Sidious' clutches.
When he finally finished explaining it all, he looked up to see tears running down Padme's face. "I'm so sorry, Anakin," she whispered. "No-one should have a life that starts that way. No wonder you were afraid and so vulnerable."
She got up from her chair and went to sit next to Anakin on the couch. She put her slender arms around him and her head on his shoulder. "It does explain so much," she said softly.
He slipped one arm around her and pulled her close against him. Although it had been horrible to have to relive it all in order to tell Padme, in the end he was glad he had. He placed a kiss on top of her head and they sat embracing for a long time.
- - -
The year went quickly for Anakin. There was so much work to do that he was racing against time. He was satisfied with progress however. He knew everything would be ready in time. Sidious would have no reason to be displeased.
He knew the rest of his life would probably be like this now. Sidious would drive him harder and harder. The more he achieved, the more would be asked of him. But he couldn't fail. He just couldn't fail.
- - -
Thirteen years pass…
- - -
The next thirteen years passed in very much in the same manner. Sidious would turn up at the Command Ship at regular intervals and put his apprentice through his paces. Darth Vader continued to grow and develop in the Dark Side of the Force but he knew his master was holding him back somewhat. Sidious no longer trusted his apprentice any more than Darth Vader trusted his master. As the years went on, Sidious' demands become increasingly heavy but Vader's development with the Dark Side compensated for the extra pressure. In short, Vader became more capable over time of meeting his master's demands.
Both Darth Sidious and Darth Vader watched the Rebel Alliance grow over this period with a watchful and wary attention. It was hardly a strong enough or large enough group to really threaten the Empire that they had built but they were capable of greatly inconveniencing the Emperor's plans at times. They seemed to have a talent for knowing exactly how to create a small amount of damage in order to generate an enormous amount of difficulty.
It was obvious that the group had access to top level military and diplomatic training. Whoever was teaching them their skills was certainly experienced, Anakin thought often to himself with impatience. He had no idea that his own wife was responsible for the sophistication of the Rebel Alliance's strategy. The Alliance was still using the training units she had written on Naboo, and in Dagobah and Sashwan. If he had known however, he would not have been surprised.
There were days when he was furious at the damage they wrought and paced their suite with a dark expression as he watched the damage play out on his hologram messaging system. When Padme asked what was making him so angry, he only had to say, "the Alliance" and she knew what he was referring to. At times like this, she would smile gleefully to herself. It was no secret that Padme thought any strike against the Empire a good one. It infuriated Anakin.
Despite these differences of view, Padme and Anakin grew very close over this long period. They only had each other for emotional sustenance, Anakin because of his position so close to the Emperor and Padme because she almost never saw anybody else.
Of course, there were times when Padme resented this bitterly. Her life had once involved so many people – too many people, she sometimes thought. She was good at attracting loyalty and support from those around her. She knew her handmaidens had served her so well because they had loved her. She had loved them too. She knew them very well. She knew all the members of their families, had visited their homes, had met their friends, knew their individual tastes, remembered their birthdays and understood their personalities. They had known her just as well. There were times she still missed them fiercely although she had learned to live with the loss. She had learned to live with a lot of loss over the past decade.
She was used to running a household of staff as well as having a large staff to manage in her diplomatic headquarters both on Naboo and at the Senate. They looked to her to be kind and generous, and she did not let them down.
She remembered one day seeing an elderly man taking hologram readers to the library in the Naboo Palace. She knew he had a job working in the library and had worked there a long time. "Corde, do you know how long that gentleman has worked in the Palace library?" she had asked one of her handmaidens.
"No but I can find out, your majesty," Corde said.
"Corde, you're supposed to call me Padme when there is no-one else around," Padme had scolded gently with a laugh.
"Sorry Padme," Corde had said with a smile and left to find out what Padme had wanted to know.
Later in the day she had told Padme that he had worked there for over forty years.
"Find out what he needs and wants most," Padme had asked Corde with a thoughtful expression.
"Yes Padme," Corde had said with a pleased smile.
It turned out he had an elderly mother but he couldn't afford a nurse to take care of her while he was at work all day. Padme called him in and gave him a pay rise but also offered to pay for a nurse for his mother for as long as she lived. She also gave him a beautiful painting of the lakes on Naboo with an inscription "in thanks for all your years of faithful service to the people of Naboo". It broke her heart when he almost started crying with gratitude. After all, it was a drop in the ocean of what needed to be done for people on Naboo and it was little enough.
His reaction had stayed with Padme however and she learned how little kindness and recognition it took to make another happy. Power was a constructive thing, if used wisely.
Padme came back to the present with a small shake of the head and looked around the empty suite. She had not seen power used constructively or wisely for a long time. There were times she almost forgot such a thing was possible anymore. All was darkness around herself and Anakin, and it had not alleviated in fifteen long years.
She was getting old, she thought ruefully. Her mirror showed half a dozen grey strands in her hair. It was not surprising, considering she was nearly 45 years of age. Anakin was 40 and had only started showing a strand of two of grey as well. She had fine lines around her eyes when she smiled but she had not smiled often over the past decade and a half. She was too anxious over Anakin's welfare, working so closely with a spiteful and dangerous Sith Lord. She also still felt grief over not seeing her children grow up. She knew that would never leave her. In a way, she didn't want it to. The thought of Leia and Luke brought pain but it was a pain tinged with sweetness. She knew they were out there somewhere living with more freedom than she herself had enjoyed for a long time.
There were days when she just didn't want to speak to Anakin. She got fed up with being kept under lock and key like a dangerous animal and the walls of her suite seemed to crowd in on her. She would retire to her suite at those times and Anakin learned to leave her to herself until she felt like speaking again.
He hated those periods passionately. Not only was he cut off from his one real source of happiness but he felt guilty and conflicted as well. There was a strong and growing part of him that wanted to take the damn slave device out of her neck but there was still a stronger part that did not want her to leave him for good. If she promised to stay, he would take it out. He knew she was a woman of her word but she would not give her word. He had tried to extract it from her on many occasions but each time, she had refused to promise.
"Every prisoner has the right to try and escape, Anakin," she had said uncompromisingly once. "I feel like I'm going mad some days. There are times I just want to see blue sky and green grass just one more time. I just want to go swimming in a lake again and feel cool water and warm sun on my skin. I'm tired of being your little dress-up doll. I know you give me projects to keep me amused but both of us know we're on different sides of the political spectrum and that I would fight to destroy your Empire if I could."
Anakin had been taken aback. "If I wanted a dress-up doll, I wouldn't have chosen one that bites," Anakin had replied sulkily.
Padme bared her white teeth at him with a laugh. "Come over here then and I'll take a chunk out of you!" she'd said with amusement.
He'd laughed and the fight had been over but he knew where he stood. He would not move her nor change her and he couldn't risk setting her free of the slave device.
Other times she was fairly happy to be with him. He would come back after a trip away and tell her all about the planets he had visited. He was good at describing them. He would tell her about what it looked like and what the creatures on the planet were like. He'd tell funny stories about the planet's inhabitants which would make her laugh.
Towards the end of her forty-fifth year, Padme grew very quiet. Her few strands of grey hair alerted her to the passing of time much more so than the standardized Galaxy calendar. The stars outside their portals did not change. She did not see morning, noon and night any longer. She did not experience seasons, the phases of a moon or the tides. She felt in a kind of floating limbo-land and for most of that time and she had thought constantly of escape and what she would do when she got away all these years.
She had harboured some hopes at one point that Anakin may run away with her to another Galaxy much further away than Fornax in order to escape Sidious. She had given up that hope. Whether Anakin wanted to admit it or not, he was conflicted about leaving his Sith life behind. He liked being the second most powerful man in the Galaxy. He did not want to start again as a nobody in a strange system. He had worked hard to become as powerful as he was. He did not really want to give it all up.
But now that she could see the effects of time on herself, she could no longer hold out any hope that her life would ever be any different. She was doomed to spend her remaining years with a slave device in her neck within the same walls that had contained her for well over a decade.
The thought made her quiet and withdrawn. It was hard to let go of hope. It was hard to acknowledge that time lost would not be redeemed. It was particularly difficult to think of all the things she could have done but would now never get the chance. In some ways, it was just as well she had done so much at such a young age. She would not die one day thinking her whole life had been a waste as the past fifteen years had been and as the years to come would be too.