Chapter Nineteen

December third was my birthday--and it was also the day after we went shopping for bridal and bridesmaid dresses in downtown Carmel. This birthday was my twenty-second birthday, which wasn't actually very special, really…

…Except that I was going to go to my mom's house for a birthday party she insisted on throwing, and that meant Jesse would be there, since my mom would more likely die than not invite him to some sort of family function. And if Jesse were there, that meant I could handle a terrible family rendition of "Happy Birthday" and Brad's scoffing at the fact that I was older than him by a matter of a few weeks.

Of course, that wasn't the only thing Brad ever scoffed at where I was concerned. I was successful and in college, he was going to the community college and more or less bargaining with his professors to get him a passing grade. I shared an apartment in San Francisco with Gina (CeeCee lived with Adam), and Brad still lived at home with Mom and Andy.

Even Jake had moved out of Mom and Andy's place, allowing them to convert his room into yet another cheerfully colored guest room, like what they'd done to my old room a few years ago when I'd moved out to share my apartment in San Francisco with Gina. The only other kid Mom and Andy had left living in the house was David, who was going to leave for college soon in the coming August. I couldn't really believe it. About David, I mean. Short, skinny, dorky David had transformed--more or less magically--into a taller, slightly muscular--but still kind of skinny--and somewhat cute Dave, or at least that's what his girlfriend--of five years, I might add; he was the only one of my stepbrothers who wasn't a commitment phobe--Shannon called him.

Brad was also--I think--jealous because I had a boyfriend, while he was stuck lamely trying to seduce any girl he saw. Don't get me wrong, girls---all with about the same amount of functioning brain cells as Debbie Mancuso--still considered him a hottie when they saw him surfing at the beach or whatever--how that happened is completely beyond me--but they quickly saw how immature he was and used their better judgment and ditched him, definitive proof that their brain cells weren't completely dead, as his may have been.

Poor Brad. He was just such a dufus. But that was his own fault, really.

But Jesse would be at the birthday party. Or at least the one at my mom's house. Did I even mention CeeCee and Gina's plans for my birthday?

They were planning a girls-only party, whatever that meant. Oh, come on, I'm not stupid. I know it meant that Jesse, Adam, and the guy Gina had just started dating--she'd given up on rekindling her old flames with Jake a long time ago--would not be allowed to be there. I just didn't know why.

I should have known, however, the reasoning behind that, but when Gina had sprung the prospect of a party-- "Just you, me, and CeeCee," she'd said--I'd been so happy to know that I was going to see Jesse, that I wouldn't have cared if she'd said she was going to the National Enquirer or Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not about my abilities as a mediator to talk to the dead. I mean, lately, that's what the idea of seeing Jesse had done to me--made me oblivious to anything else because we were both so busy, leaving very little time for us to see each other.

Which may have been a good thing because lately I'd been feeling very nervous about the wedding, which was only about six months away, not very long, if you think about it. Plus, I had exams to study for, and stuff to do for my job--working as a freelance clothing designer. Recently I'd been a nervous wreck, and the thought of seeing Jesse kind of made it worse, whenever I actually took the time to think, Oh, wait, I'm marrying him in six months, because then I'd think about things that happen after people get married, and then I'd get scared, and that's when I'd flip out about it.

Which is what happened the day of my birthday party, the day after we'd gone shopping for my dress.

"Oh, God, Gina, what am I going to do?" I whined into my cup of herbal tea, the kind I usually drank whenever I wound up in a shopping mall. Lately I'd been drinking a lot of herbal tea for my nerves. Our kitchen cabinets had a lot of varieties of herbal tea, of many different brands and flavors. It was getting ridiculous, but it was much healthier than other habits people pick up when they're nervous, like nail-biting and smoking.

Gina and I were sitting in the kitchen area, eating a little bit of brunch because we'd both slept in, on account of it being Sunday and both of us were heathens who refused to attend church on any sort of regular basis. Our apartment was fairly nice. It had two bedrooms, one for me and one for Gina, as well as a bathroom, a kitchen, and a living room. The rent wasn't terribly bad, either--I'd even asked Mom and Andy to let Gina and me pay it since I'd started bringing in a little money. They had hastily agreed, since they'd wanted to install a pool in the backyard at the time.

Gina looked at me with her eyebrow raised, the pierced one. She'd been hearing a lot of this lately. I was surprised she hadn't tried to sic a psychologist on me. "Well, today, you're going to go to your mom's house for a family birthday party, because it's your birthday, in case you've forgotten. Then you're going to come back home, and CeeCee and I are throwing you a party. You're going to have fun, and you're not going to worry about It. You are the only person I know who shouldn't have to worry. You two are perfect for each other," she said. "Besides, CeeCee and I are going to help you with one of your problems," she said. "You know, the one about him seeing you in the buff."

I sipped some tea. "Yeah, you're right." Then I remembered what else she'd said, about her and CeeCee fixing my other problem. "What are you talking about? Fixing the problem, I mean."

She grinned. "If you want to know, you're going to get dressed"--I was still in my pajamas--"and you're going to go to that party, no matter how embarrassing hearing your family half-heartedly sing 'Happy Birthday' will be, and you're going to see Jesse, you're going to have fun. Then you can find out."

"Jeez, Gina," I said feeling a little bit better. "Don't you think you're a little demanding?"

"Yeah, sure I am. But what would you do without me?"

"One can only imagine," I said.

"Simon, you are such a dink."

Gina and I walked into the front door. We were late. Almost everyone else had been on time, we'd seen, when we'd pulled up in the driveway. Jake, Brad, CeeCee, Adam, and Jesse--who was never late--were all already there. We were expecting one other guest, but that particular guest said that they might not be able to make it.

"Late to your own birthday party, by thirty minutes," Jake said. He'd become a little bit more talkative--granted he was still always half-asleep every time I saw him--over the past few years. "Are you going to be late for your own damn funeral, too?"

"Hopefully yes," I answered. "Besides, riding in a car with me is not an instrument in rediscovering prayer," I added.

"It's not a swear-fest, either," Gina said. Then she excused herself to the kitchen, where CeeCee was helping my mom put candles on my cake, saying she had a few things to discuss with CeeCee, concerning my other party.

Jesse, sitting across the room from Jake grinned and walked over to where I was. He'd gotten the joke about being late for my own funeral…and the driving thing. He'd once made the mistake of riding in a car with Jake as the driver, and vowed never to do it again. Let's just say that there is no possible way Jake could ever be late for anything unless he fell asleep behind the wheel.

"Hello, Susannah," he said nervously, even though his voice was still smooth. We were both nervous when we were around my family. We couldn't sit together without my mom ogling at us and then going to get her digital camera for "just one more picture."

"Hey," I said. Unlike him, my voice was not exactly smooth. How does he do that, anyway?

In actuality, the party wasn't all that bad. I mean, it wasn't very fun, but it wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be. There was still the cake with all its twenty-two-candle glory, saturated fat and artificial flavors, as David so nicely pointed out. And then there was the horrible family rendition of "Happy Birthday," complete with Brad's stupid voice cracking and messing up on every other word-on purpose, I'll have you know. Then there were the presents. Mom and Andy gave me a nice sweater and fifty dollars; CeeCee and Gina said they'd give me my presents from them later--not a good sign--and David gave me a book on different types of fabric and how to use each one--a thoughtful gift, really, considering my job and all. I was just about to open my last present--the one from Jesse--when someone else showed up. Our last guest had arrived.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Susannah Simon," a familiar voice went, "and her family, this time, along with all the other people who got here before I did." Everyone laughed at him.

It was Paul. Paul Slater had shown up at my birthday party, holding a gift bag with tissue paper popping out of the top. About five years ago, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs for him to get the hell out of my house, but a lot had changed in those five years--Paul and Jesse had become friends, or at least as friendly as they could be, given their shared past. Paul had made it only too clear when he actually began to date other girls that he'd given up on me, and Jesse was now safe from any fights, at least where Paul was concerned. There was still a little bit of iciness between them at times, though.

"So it is," I said.

"Sorry I'm late," he said.

There was an awkward silence. I'd never been able to explain to my mom how Paul and I could be friends now, when I'd once sworn that I'd hated him.

And only now, I didn't exactly hate him. Once he'd finally gotten over his obsession with me, he actually turned out to be not so bad. I won't lie. He still had moments where anyone nearby wanted to throw stuff in his general direction, but he was improving.

I think my mom just thought it was about the student government thing. Now high school was behind us, so we could easily be friends without the worry about one defeating the other in political mud slinging.

"That's alright," I said. "Better late than never."

He winked at Jesse. Jesse nodded at him. God, this was all so awkward. Why did things between the three of us have to be so awkward in front of other people? I mean, I know we were all mediators, but still.

Eventually, I opened up my presents--a book of some sort from Paul, and a cashmere sweater set from Jesse, along with a note telling me that he heard from a reliable source that I could use some chocolate. I looked in the box, and there was a bag of Hershey's Kisses tucked inside.

I looked up at Jesse. By that point, people had become more interested in other things besides my birthday--thank God--and Jesse whispered, "Meet me upstairs." Then he disappeared.

Gina, who was still in the room looked wide-eyed. "Don't look at me, Simon. I didn't say a word to him," she said.

I followed Jesse up the stairs, wondering what he wanted. I figured that he probably wanted to talk, which he did. He wanted to talk to me about a lot of things, actually.

"How have you been lately, Susannah?" Jesse asked, sitting down on the window seat of my old room. We hadn't seen each other in about two weeks. He looked nervous.

"Same old same," I said. "How about you?"

"I have been busy," he said. "And I'm sorry I haven't been able to spend as much time with you as we'd both like."

"I know. It's alright," I said. He was busy working in the hospital. As much as I would have liked to, I couldn't be terribly selfish and demand that he take time off to spend with me.

"No, it's not," he said. "And you and I both know it, querida. I miss you."

Oh my God, is that not the sweetest thing ever? I wanted to drag him over closer to me and kiss him, but I didn't because I knew he wanted to talk.

"I miss you, too. But we're here now," I said. "What do you want to talk about?" I know it sounded tactless, but I didn't want him to feel too nervous about whatever it was that was bothering him. I mean, that's what girlfriends are for, besides making out, you know?

Besides, what if he was telling me he didn't want to marry me after all? I mean, he had asked me over two years ago. That's plenty of time for him to change his mind. And if he didn't want to marry me, he might as well--

"Where do you want to live after we're married?" he asked.

Was that all? It couldn't have been. Why else would he have been so nervous? But at least he isn't breaking things off with me, I thought. Then I scolded myself for even thinking he could ever want to break up with me. He loved me. The very thought of him not wanting to be with me was completely ludicrous. Besides, if he ever did…I have no idea what I'd do--either to him or to myself--but, believe me, it would be pretty, especially considering all we'd been through for each other. If we ever did break up, I would be completely over the edge.

"Your apartment is fine," I said. We obviously couldn't live at my place, what with it being in San Francisco. Plus Gina was there, and that would just be awkward, living as a married couple with any sort of third party around.

"I was thinking of maybe buying a house," Jesse said, "but I wanted to know what kind of house you would want to live in."

"I don't know," I said. "Don't worry about that right now, though."

"All right," he said. Then he was silent, but this time I think it was just because he didn't know what to say. Jeez. Were things going to be this awkward until after we were married? Or would all this awkwardness just continue? God, no wonder so many couples get divorced.

But things hadn't been all that awkward, not until right then when we were talking in my old room at my mom's house. I wondered why. I mean, I know I'd been feeling awkward for some time about post-wedding activities--if you know what I mean--but not right after he'd proposed.

Maybe it was just because the wedding was so close. Just because we were meant to be together forever didn't mean we weren't supposed to be nervous.

I looked around the room, unsure of what to do. They hadn't changed much since I'd left. Most of the same furniture from where I'd lived there was still there, unused. I thought about what to do next. Should I say anything? Should I kiss him?

I still didn't know what to do, so I just kissed him. "Everything will be all right, and you know it."

He smiled, but he still seemed kind of sad.

"Jesse," I said, looking in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

He looked grim, and kind of disappointed. I guess he'd been trying to hide the fact that anything was bothering him, but he answered, "One of my patients died, Susannah."

I knew he felt horrible about it. Why wouldn't he? That completely sucked. "Oh, Jesse," I said putting my arm around his shoulder. "Don't beat yourself up over it. People die. No matter what you do, some people are going to die when you're supposed to make them better. Sometimes there's just nothing more you can do, except let them die," I said.

He sighed. "You're right," he said. "You're right querida," he repeated. He looked as if he felt better.

Then he kissed me. And, of course, I kissed back. What else was I going to do? It was the perfect opportunity to make out. We were totally alone, and no one was going to miss us. Adam had gone home. CeeCee and Gina were back at our apartment, getting ready for my party. Paul was busy talking to my mom about how he and I could be friends now that we weren't political opponents. Jake had gone to his place as well. David was off doing whatever things he did in his spare time, and Brad had mentioned something about going surfing. No one would notice we were MIA.

Jesse must not have looked at it the same way I did because a few minutes later, he broke off and said, "Susannah, we are in your parents' house. We cannot do this."

"It never stopped you before," I said. "Besides, now I have you where I want you, and you can't disappear now."

"Susannah--" he was trying to scold me, but he was also grinning. He stopped trying to give me the "not until after the honeymoon" speech and kept kissing me.

Finally, I looked down at my watch. It was five in the afternoon. It would take me about three hours to get back home. If I was going to be able to go to classes the next day, I would have to get home as soon as possible.

"You'd better go home," Jesse said, voicing what I had been thinking.

"Yeah. See you later," I said. I kissed him one last time and said, "I love you."

Then I went to go tell everyone else good-bye, and left. I wondered what exactly Gina and CeeCee had in store for me. It didn't sound like anythingI would get out of unembarrassed.