Chapter Twenty

"See, Suze," Gina said, "This girl is completely ugly--just look at her face; she looks like a pit bull--and she's completely naked for all of the men who buy this magazine to ogle at her boobs, okay? See? You're much better looking than that, okay? If she can pose naked for thousands of men to see, why shouldn't you be able to let Jesse see you naked? Besides, by the time you two actually got your clothes off, you'd be so into what you're doing you wouldn't notice you were naked. Otherwise, what are you going to do? Do it through a hole in the sheet?"

I snorted. "No. Look, I don't know what's wrong with me, okay? I've been trying for--how long?--to get him to, you know, but he won't. I'm the one that's so hot and bothered to get busy, yet I don't want him to see me naked."

I looked down at the woman's face. She did look like a pit bull. Worse even. Maybe she looked like a chow. Gina and CeeCee had, thankfully, blacked out the rest of her body with a Sharpie marker. I was very glad that they'd had the decency to do at least that much. Five pornographic magazines' worth of naked women might send me over the edge of insanity. I didn't know how Brad--from whom they'd stolen the magazines, and who had a brain capacity of about one cubic millimeter--could have wanted to see so many naked bodies, even in his state of girlfriendless-ness. I mean, gross. Andy wouldn't have been very happy if he ever found those magazines under Brad's mattress, where Gina had found them.

At least I finally had something good to blackmail Brad with.

"See, that's your problem. It's a double standard--you don't mind one bit if he takes his shirt off at the beach, but the very thought of him seeing you like that completely immobilizes you," CeeCee said. "Get over it, Simon. Besides, Gina's right. You'll be so caught up in the moment, you won't even realize you're naked until it's all over with--"

"And you're screaming for more," Gina interrupted.

God, why was I friends with such people who were clearly insane? I mean, why me? Why did I have to be stuck with good friends who obviously thought forcing me to look at porno magazines--thankfully with naked bodies scribbled over--to see how ugly other women were (but still willing to walk around and pose naked for men to ogle at) would cure me of the crippling fear of my fiancé seeing me naked.

"Guys, I really don't think--" I started to tell them I didn't think their efforts were really helping all that much, but I was interrupted by Gina, who'd been looking at that magazine again.

"You know what she looks like? She looks like that stupid cat of Jesse's. You know, Spike," she said. She wrinkled her pierced nose. "Does he even still have that cat?"

"No, Spike ate a bad Chihuahua or something," I said. "He died a few months ago."

"Aw, that's sad. Even if that cat was freaking ugly," she said thoughtfully. "How did Jesse take it?"

I'd never told her Spike had died. Just because we were roommates and best friends didn't mean I told her everything that went on between Jesse and me, although I don't see where telling her that Spike had died would be so bad. "He's still heartbroken. I think he loved that cat about as much as he loves me," I said. "I'm getting him a kitten for Christmas."

"No, you're not. It breaks Dating Rule Number Three," CeeCee said. " 'A girl/guy never gives her/his girlfriend/boyfriend a living object--not even a plant--as a gift unless it is agreed upon first.'"

"Relax, Cee. He wants another cat. He just hasn't found a helpless stray to rescue yet, and he doesn't like the way the animals are caged up at the animal shelter. He thinks it's mean to make them stay in such a small area with only a sheet of newsprint paper to use the bathroom on. That's why I'm going to get him one," I said.

She visibly relaxed. CeeCee doesn't like it when I don't follow The Rules, which included not calling him first (whatever), not paying for anything when Jesse and I go out (Jeez. User much? Who made up those rules anyway?), and not over-doing it with gifts, among many others. "Good," she said.

"Now, if you don't mind," I said, "I'm going to bed."

"No, you're not, Simon. Stay here," Gina said. "I have another surprise for you."

She went into the kitchen, and I could hear her talking on the phone in hushed tones, so that I couldn't make out what she was saying.

"Great," I said, sarcastically to CeeCee. "What is it? A video? You know, I really don't have time for this. I have finals to study for, and class tomorrow, and so do you. Can we please go to bed now?"

"No, you'll love this," CeeCee said.

Somehow I doubted that. Could you really blame me, given the events of the evening? I so would have rather stayed in my old bedroom at Mom's to make out with Jesse some more.

But it seems as if I don't always get what I want.

Hey, I know I shouldn't complain. I mean, I had Jesse, didn't I? That was enough to keep my happy for all eternity.

But the whole let's - make - Suze - look - at - dirty - magazines thing my two best friends were doing that the moment really sucked. I was embarrassed, not only for myself, but for the women in those magazines as well. God, how could they want even one guy to see them naked, let alone thousands?

I guess it's all a matter of confidence, even though I know I'm pretty confident. I mean, I haven't had much practice lately, I know I can totally kick somebody's ass in Prada slides, which is not an easy task. I also know that I'm not exactly a dog. Living in San Francisco has made me very, very aware of that fact, particularly if I walk by a construction site or a truck driver. And I know Jesse loves me.

Plus, I certainly wouldn't mind if he took all his clothes off.

So, yes, I was well aware of the fact that my fear of Jesse seeing me in the buff was completely ludicrous.

But that didn't mean I was going to sit idly while my friends harassed me with pornography.

"Can we please go to bed now?" I said.

I was, not surprisingly, ignored. Gina came into the room, right then, and said, "Behold, our knight in shining armor awaits!"

Then there was a knock on the door leading out into the hallway, and then Adam McTavish walked into the room.

"I heard something mentioned about bed time with three lovely young ladies, and I just couldn't help myself," he said. "Now, I hope you don't mind the problem that I only have one--"

"Adam! You're not here for that," CeeCee said, turning a violent shade of red. "That's next week. You're supposed to tell her how you didn't mind seeing me, you know, naked when we slept together the first time."

"Yeah, see Suze has this totally absurd obsession over whether or not she is going to marry Jesse, and here's why--she doesn't want him to see her naked. And if she doesn't want Jesse to see her sans apparel, forget about it, Adam," Gina said, "you don't have a snowball's chance in hell for that."

"Oh," Adam said with mock disappointment. "Well then. Since you have crushed my hopes and dreams, I suppose I will tell you the painful tale. My therapist advises me to talk about it, no matter how much it hurts me to do so." He winked at me. "It wasn't bad, Suze, honestly. I didn't really even pay all that much attention." He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "I was too busy imagining that she was Cindy Crawford." He winked at me. "Just kidding Cee," he added to keep her from throwing something at him. He continued, "You have nothing to worry about, not with Jesse. He's not going to care, just like I didn't care. Besides, you're not a bad looking girl, and if Jesse doesn't see that…" He stopped and looked at CeeCee again. "But I regret to inform you that I'm partial to Cee, so no hope of getting with me, kiddo," he said. "That said, I want to get on with the rest of the show." Then he started unbuttoning his shirt and humming a stripper show tune.

"ADAM!" CeeCee said, clearly embarrassed by his act.

Adam stopped pulling at the buttons on his shirt. "Ma'am, yes, ma'am!"

"Thanks, that's much better," CeeCee said.

"It's nine o clock," Adam said. "I have to get to my next act. I take it you're staying here for the night, Cee?"

"Yes, it's a sleepover, dorkus," she said.

Gina laughed. "Before you go, hot cakes, we have a little present for you," she said.

"What is it? Do I really get bed time?" he said.

"No. You get these." Gina handed the stolen nudie magazines to Adam.

"Wow, that's even better," he joked. "Let's see, a Penthouse, a Playboy, some other brand, written in Chinese, another Playboy. High quality stuff," he said.

CeeCee through a pillow at him in mock anger.

"What? I can look, I just can't touch," he said. Then he bowed and said, "Thank you ladies for allowing me to entertain you. If you ever change your mind about using my services again, you know where to find me. Adieu!"

Then he left. When he'd been gone for a couple of minutes, CeeCee said, "He can't really look, either."

And we busted out laughing because we knew something Adam didn't: the bodies were scribbled over with Sharpie markers.

"Maybe you guys are right. Maybe it will be okay. He loves me. He'll understand if I'm too scared to go through with it, you know, the post-wedding activities," I said, feeling relieved. "Thanks," I continued. "You helped me. Now do me a favor and never do that to me again, not unless you want me to hire a stripper for your bachelorette parties."

Neither of them replied. They just threw pillows at me, and the pillow fight was on.

"You bitch!" Gina yelled as CeeCee hit her on the head with a couch cushion.

"Hey, don't use that sort of language, young lady," I said, smacking Gina on the butt with a throw pillow.

"And you're not the boss of me," Gina said, throwing her pillow at me. Mistake. I dodged Gina's pillow, and CeeCee and I double - attacked Gina, me with the throw pillow and CeeCee with the couch cushion.

Eventually, we stopped the pillow fight, out of breath and exhausted, and we decided to watch movies. We stayed up all night, watching movies, completely forgetting that we had classes to attend the next day. Needless to say, we did not make it to our morning classes.

But we'd had fun, and that was something all of us needed.