Disclaimer: not mine.
Warnings: Language, but not as much as before. Sorry 'bout that. It's Lawn Guyland's fault!
Thank you to anonymous, shinu, Jessica Jepson, tiinka, punkrock, windy river, hailey, osa p, dancing wolf, slate grey, starbugkenny, mara202, mc88, tiger jade, chibis unleashed, hikaru, plastic tree, pia barolini, maxwells-demon, camillian, rumplestiltskin, mama-sama and link-worshipper for their wonderful reviews and feedback!
Control Freak part VII
If eating out was always such a process, Heero would far prefer to donate a kidney two than venture to the pizzeria. Furthermore, if patience was a virtue, then he was fairly certain he wouldn't even have to die to be proclaimed a saint. He could perform his three miracles while still breathing and all he had to do was restrain from killing his trio of companions.
Didn't strangle Relena with the strap of her gaudy, over-priced purse. Miracle number one.
Didn't grab Trowa and shove his head out the car window in the hopes of his being decapitated by a convenient telephone pole. Miracle number two.
Didn't gouge Duo's eyes out in an effort to make him stop jeering for three freaking seconds, goddamn it! Miracle number three.
So as his peers bickered about him, he sat docilely in his seat and fantasized about distributing gory and graphic deaths courtesy of his own two hands utilizing the most creative and efficient methods possible. He narrated the process in his mind with all the detachment and impassiveness of a National Geographic announcer.
It has been long known among the animals that they are not to bother the King of the Jungle. His favor is sacred and death is delivered per his whim. The safest way to stay in his good graces is to keep out of his way and not disturb him. This is understood by every and all of the animals -except a special, idiotic few. With these creatures it is only a matter of time before the King's disfavor is incurred.
"Your pizza's getting cold, Heero. Don't you want it?" Relena interrupted his thought processes with her banal inquiry.
"No, thank you," he responded civilly, his consciousness still stuck somewhere in the heart of the Congo. "Would you like it?"
"I'm fine, thank you," she smiled, a half-eaten slice in hand.
The pathetic rabbit mewled, "No, no, kind King. I couldn't possibly eat of your sacred food."
"You certainly didn't seem to have a problem a few moments ago," the King growled, his teeth bared in a feral snarl, "when you were eating from my personal killing grounds!"
The rabbit trembled. "I didn't think you'd mind…"
"FOOL!" thundered the King, gnashing his teeth in a manner most threatening. Reaching out his mighty paw, he--
"I am so done putting up with your shit!" Duo suddenly jumped up from the table, with what Heero was coming to recognize as his customary scowl affixed on his face. "You're the biggest idiot I've met in my life! You make the Rainman look gifted! I'm going to the john. If you can't die by the time I get back, at least have the courtesy to leave." He stormed away towards the restrooms, several patrons staring condescendingly after him, disapproval clear on their faces.
Trowa shrugged dispassionately and took a sip of his drink. "Sorry about that," he told to Relena. "You'll have to excuse him. He's an excellent judge of character."
Heero looked between the two with a baffled expression on his face. "What just happened?"
Relena mumbled incomprehensibly, having just taken an overly large bite of pizza.
"What?" Heero insisted.
Relena pointed emphatically to her full mouth, chewing with all the speed of a herd of turtles.
He frowned impatiently. "I'm waiting."
She gestured helplessly, causing Trowa to pipe up. "You may not be aware of this," he archly explained, taking a breadstick from the basket at the center of the table, "but your body apparently belongs heart and soul to this young lady sitting here." He broke the bread in half as if to drive his point home.
Relena choked.
"Yessirree, she owns you part and parcel. Staked her claim back in preschool, or so she claims," he continued, absently brushing away some crumbs that had fallen beside his plate.
"What are you talking about?" Heero demanded.
"Did you know that you had abdicated your dating rights, Heero, or were they simply confiscated without your knowledge?" he asked seriously, a pseudo-concerned look on his face.
"That's not what I meant!" Relena spoke up, having regained the ability to breath.
"Oh, really? Then what did you mean when you said, 'I see the way you can't stop looking at him, you perverted bastard. Touch him and die.?'"
"I didn't say that!"
"Oh, what was it then? 'I see the lust in your eyes, you nymphomaniac freak. Touch my man and I'll castrate you.?'"
"NO! And please stop. The other tables are staring."
"Oh, that's right. You said, 'I saved my virginity for him. If anyone sleeps with him, it's going to be me.'"
Relena's jaw snapped closed with a click. Lips pursed, she gathered her purse and shoved back her chair, rising to her feet with the utmost dignity. Pulling out her wallet, she tossed a handful of bills on the table without even bothering to check the amounts. "Heero. I'm leaving. Now. Let's go," she snapped.
"If you'd like," he responded, briefly making eye-contact with Trowa. Nodding curtly, he rose from the table and followed Relena's ruler-straight back past the mildly scandalized diners and out into the parking lot. As they waited for Pargon to bring the car around, Relena stood stock still, shoulders quivering with anger.
"I hope you don't plan on seeing them again, Heero," she eventually choked out. "Although I suppose I should be grateful. This afternoon has shown me once more just how much there is to be done in this city."
"They're people, Relena, not some community service opportunity," Heero seethed, patience evaporating. "You claim to organize activities to help the needy, proclaim that everyone deserves a chance, and then you dehumanize them. You don't see them as individual human beings. You see them as one more tally mark on the list of mouths fed or clothes provided or-"
"Stop it, Heero!" she demanded, eyes filled with tears. "Just stop. You're right. I don't see them as individual people, but not because I don't care. Do you know how much it hurts to see these people and know I can't help them all? I want to so badly, but you just can't! There's too many in need and too many who abuse your help. You can only do the best you can and that means not getting close. I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you, but you know what? I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for them and you don't have to understand that because I already do."
"Fine. You work in your way and I'll work in mine. You may see them as two more losers off the street, but they're not. They're people and frankly, they're a hell of a lot more interesting than you," he snapped, nearly yelling. Pargon, having brought the limo around, hovered uncertainly at his elbow, obviously confused with the situation.
"Are you ready to go, young sir?" he inquired tactfully, hoping to defuse the situation.
"No, I'm not," Heero declared. "I've still got friends inside." With that, he glared at Relena a final time and started back towards the pizzeria, his heels slapping definitively against the pavement.
"How are you going to get back to your car?" she called reluctantly after him, hoping he wouldn't need a lift, but too polite to utterly abandon him.
"I'll walk. Good-bye, Relena," he answered, not halting in his path. He threw open the door and strode assertively back towards their table, where Trowa was still sitting. The lanky boy was attempting to balance a spoon on the end of his nose, much to the derision of the waiter who was obviously trying to convince him to vacate the premises.
"Excuse me," Heero derisively informed the man, "but we're not through." His good will grudgingly restored by Heero's designer clothing, the waiter unenthusiastically apologized and backed away.
"Is he still in the restroom?" Heero demanded of Trowa. He received a stoic stare in return before the other boy returned to his flatware acrobatics.
"Christ," he muttered under his breath. "What the hell am I thinking?" At the moment he seriously doubted he was. After all, who was he kidding? He had a prissy waiter, a pissed-off friend, a pissy peer, and a disappearing tutee to deal with. He didn't have time to consider his options.
"You, wait here," he commanded. Trowa shrugged and, hoping he wouldn't return to find him gone, Heero headed towards the men's room.
-end part vii-
A/N: Sorry it's late and kinda short. My boss has been a total bastard lately and I've been spending my free time searching for new employment.