At Cavanaugh Park where I used to sit all alone in the dark
And think about things that I could not say
You always said destiny would blow me away
And nothin's gonna blow me away
I woke up last night at around three or four, I looked next to me and saw his shadow, his chest was steadily rising and falling, and I could hear the faint snoring sound he was making. He wouldn't notice if I left for just a little while. So I gently moved my covers out of the way and stepped down on the creaky wooden floor. My gray sweater was balled up in the floor under the window. I picked it up and the zipper made a clanging noise as it dragged across the hardwood floor. As I carefully put it on I looked over my shoulder to make sure he was still asleep. But who was I kidding; he could sleep through a nuclear holocaust.
I tiptoed my way out of the bedroom and silently down the hallway. When I reached the front door I turned back to the hall and I stared back at the half open door. It was so quiet in our tiny house that I could hear him breathing. I smiled as I turned back around and headed outside.
As soon as I reached the first porch step the November air hit me like a wave. I folded my arms across my chest and a shiver ran quickly through my body. I walked rather fast down the wet sidewalk. The tiny puddles that were formed between the cracks of the concrete were quickly soaking through my thin socks. I should've worn shoes, but somehow I always forgot when I went out like this. I came to the corner of Oak and Cavanaugh and instead of continuing on Oak like I usually did when I jogged in the afternoons, I took a right instead.
I walked on Cavanaugh for a few blocks and then I looked up in front of me and there it was peeking out from behind all the trees. As soon as I saw it a rush of sadness suddenly washed over me. That park had so many awful memories attached that I had tried my best to forget it. But when I saw the lights shining down on the icy benches that lined the pathways through the grass it all hit me at once. Sure, I saw it all the time when I was driving, but that was during the day, it was a different place at night.
I hadn't been here in a couple years, but it still looked exactly the same. The lights by the playground still flickered every few seconds. A couple years ago I used to sit on the bench next to the playground and cry until my eyes were so full of tears that all I saw when I looked up at the flickering lights was a huge bright blur.
I'd forgotten how much this place used to mean to me, it was my little place. The little place that had gotten me through the hardest time in my whole life.
We were way too young to be married anyway. I knew nothing about what it meant to be married or grown up. Responsibility was like a word from a completely foreign language. All I knew is that I was nineteen and in love. No one that young should be thinking about anything other than having fun. I only realize now, at 24 how much I missed out on. I didn't even get to have the dream wedding I'd always wanted. Spin and I didn't have a dime, and our parents wouldn't help, they knew we were too young. We didn't listen to anyone though.
We had possibly the worlds-smallest wedding. I think altogether there were 10 guests. It wasn't the huge fancy wedding I had dreamed about since I was 5, the wedding I swore I would die if I didn't have. I should've picked up on how crazy the whole thing was, but all I saw was him. I was still in University, trying to get a decent education, which was difficult since I was so distracted. Spinner was still working at The Dot; only he was the manager now. So obviously we had almost no money of any sort. Which of course, led to many assorted arguments.
I was going to leave him, I decided one night on the same park bench I was sitting on now. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Everyday I would come home and do my homework, he would come home and we'd have dinner, right around then was when the fighting would start. Then after a few hours if screaming and dirty looks I would just leave and sit at the park until I had calmed down. When I got home he'd be on the couch or at the table with his stupid grin on and I'd forgive him. Then we'd fall into bed and the next morning it started all over again. I didn't want to live like that anymore. It just wasn't fair.
Monday morning, that's when I was going to leave, I had it all planned out. I was packed and all set to go. I had called the hotel downtown the night before; I wasn't sure how long I would stay there. Or where I would go once I was gone. I just knew I wanted out. The next morning when he left for work I smiled sweetly and kissed him goodbye. He rushed out the door just like he did every morning. I watched him leave and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach, it killed me to think about how I was about to shatter his heart into millions of pieces.
You know that park had always been the place I could go to dream. When I was a really little girl I would climb up to the top of the playground and pretend I was a princess; the most beautiful and powerful princess that ever lived. I would boss around all the kids in the sandbox, and tell them how I was their ruler and they had to listen to me.
When I was older, I still had the same desire for control. I loved being worshipped, and if it meant tearing down anyone in my way, then I'd do it. I think the reason things went sour with me and Spin is because I lost control. I'd have him wrapped so tightly around my little finger, and slowly I lost it. Next thing I knew I'd become so desperate to keep him with me that I'd do anything. I'd become dependant on him, and Paige Michalchuck didn't need anyone and suddenly, Paige Mason did.
I didn't ever leave Spin like I had planned. After he had left for work I went through the house and made sure that I had everything, grabbed a few choice items that I couldn't take until the last second for fear of Spinner figuring it out. I was putting my toothbrush in the top pocket of my suitcase when the telephone rang. I was too preoccupied to think of who it might be, or that I shouldn't answer it. But I carelessly answered it, and looking back I'm so thankful that I did.
Two weeks previous to that phone call I had gone to the doctor for a physical that everyone on our campus had to take when a cafeteria worker had gotten Hepatitis C, the University didn't want to take any chances and forced all the students and faculty to go in for physicals and shots. The voice on the phone had identified herself as the receptionist from the campus infirmary. I continued to jam my makeup into a small bag while she rattled off a rehearsed speech about how I hadn't contracted Hepatitis and how I should continue to stay safe. I tried to sound friendly and not rushed as I added an occasional "yes" or "right, of course". Then her tone changed noticeably and I had to stop what I was doing. I could feel my blood running cold before she even finished her sentence.
"Mrs. Mason, we did however find in our testing that you are pregnant"
I didn't even hear what she had to say next, I think it might have been about prenatal visits and information available at the school. I'm pretty sure I hung up in her without even saying thank you, or saying anything at all. I put the phone down and dropped the bag of makeup that had been clutched tightly in my right hand.
I stayed on our bathroom floor, tucked tightly between the bathtub and the sink for about 3 hours. I don't remember if I cried or slept, it's all really fuzzy now. But I do know that I managed to get up long enough to unpack all my things before Spinner got home. He walked in the door that night to find me sitting wide eyed at the kitchen table.
"Gavin," I managed to squeak out
He sighed and set down his hat on the table, "what'd I do this time Paige?"
I looked up at him and burst into sobs, the look on his face went form one of anger, straight to the sweet caring boy I'd fallen in love with. He tried to console me for quite awhile, and finally I got the words out. I stared straight into my lap, fearing his reaction then I felt his strong arms wrap tightly around my shoulders.
"Paige, baby, that's wonderful"
I looked up at him like he was crazy, "it is?"
"Of course! I'm gonna be a daddy! We're gonna be a family!"
A family, me and Spin…andour baby
The next three months all we ever talked about was the baby. We called everyone we knew, people we didn't even know that well just to tell them about the baby. We spent more money than we had on things to decorate the extra bedroom in our townhouse, and more toys than 20 kids could play with.
When Spinner would get home from work, and on the weekends we would sit on the same bench over at Cavanaugh park and watch the kids play on the playground. We had so many dreams for our baby, we planned out their whole life, down to every little detail.
One morning, I don't remember the date, just that it was a Tuesday, I woke up feeling off. I don't know how to explain it, but something just didn't feel right. Spinner was already gone to work, and I had a final in 2 hours. So I drug myself out of bed and got in the shower, I was washing the shampoo out of my hair, when I noticed a steady stream of blood running down my leg and into the drain.
I called Spin at work and he rushed me to our doctor's office. It was then that we found out that I'd lost the baby. Spin was beside himself, he felt guilty, he somehow blamed himself for everything. But me, I didn't cry, I didn't get angry…I just sort of, shut off.
That's when everyone started to worry about me, Spin quit his job so he could stay home with me for the summer. My mom came over a lot, so did Dillon. Calls were constantly coming in, people suggesting this counselor, this medication, that support group. During the day I felt like I didn't need them, I had lost a baby and it didn't upset me as much as everyone wanted it to.
But at night, every single night I would wake up upset. So upset I couldn't deal with anything, I wanted to die. I felt like I had nothing left in the world, nothing to live for. One night in particular, I still don't understand why, but I decided to leave the bed and just go out. I wound up at the park. I stood under a street lamp in my pajamas, and stared at the lone bench that sat on the back edge of the playground. The very same bench where Spinner and I had spent so many afternoons planning and dreaming about the child that we wouldn't ever see.
I stayed the rest of the night, huddled on that bench. I cried until I didn't think I had any more tears. And the next night, I did the same thing. Cavanaugh park became my sanctuary, my thinking place. It's the reason I never needed those support groups, I was self-medicated.
Unbeknownst to me, Spinner had noticed me sneaking out every night. So being the concerned, (and slightly nosy) husband that he was, he decided to follow me. I was sitting on my usual bench, my knees pulled into my chest, with my chin resting on top. I was staring blankly at the yellow plastic slide, thinking my usual thoughts. I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw Spinner slowly approaching me from the path in front of me.
He sat next to me, but I didn't turn to look at him, I kept my eyes where they were. Frankly, I was angry at him for not trusting me, angry that he had invaded my space, that he'd exposed my secret.
"So, this is where you go every night, or is this just one of the places?" he said finally
"This is it," I whispered
"What do you do here?"
"Think, cry, whatever I want I guess"
He scooted closer to me and gently put his arm over my shoulder. We sat that way a long time, we didn't need to talk, just be.
After a long silence I turned to him, "Spin, do you think there's a reason all this happened"
"Everything happens for a reason doesn't it?" he leaned in and kissed my temple
And when he said that, everything sort of clicked. There was a reason that I didn't have that baby. It was the reason I stayed with Spinner, but how long would that have lasted? It was losing the baby that brought us truly back together, it let me fall back in love with him, made me realize what it was that I truly wanted.
I turned away from the park and headed back for home, the memories were ones of love, but they were still painful. I learned a lot of hard lessons, I was in a really dark place, and I wouldn't take any of it back for a second.
I slowly turned the knob of the front door and crept back inside. Just as the door shut I heard a faint whimper coming from the back of the house, it slowly grew into a full-blown cry.
"Paaige" I heard Spinner muffle into his pillow.
I scampered into the bedroom to sound like I'd always been there. "Don't worry Spin, I got her, go to sleep"
Before I'd finished my sentence he was back asleep. I went down the hall to the open door at the end, I approached the crib and lifted out our newborn baby girl, my little Alaina. She calmed down the instant I held her tightly against my body. I walked back to our bedroom, bouncing her lightly as I walked. Inside, I found Spin laying halfway off the bed, covers tangled around his legs, hair everywhere, mouth open. I loved him more than anything in the world, with the exception of the bundle in my arms.
Out the window, the sun was coming up, and there I stood, holding my miracle, and gazing lovingly at my savior.
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next chapter: Craig