Thank you muchly to binx-349, Emmikins for the beta. And thanks to both her and the loverly as ever Lauren who's constant support is nothing short of crazy awesome. Oh and if you know Anna Nalick, you'll know what I'm talking about.

I could have died inside myself and it wouldn't have mattered to you. You could have looked into my eyes and watched me die without saying a thing. I don't know if that's a strength or a well-veiled weakness for you. I'll never know.

"Why now," you ask, looking at me like you're terribly lost. I hope you are; I sure am.

I want to laugh. It's all a game to you, trivial and highly condescending. "Because I've been enlightened, Grissom," I say, smiling that quirky smile I reserve for when I know I'm right. A scientist only gets so many of these moments and I'm going to revel in this one.

I love you, in so few words, I love you so much. It's so true. But I can't stay here, that's also true. Gil Grissom, you are my most prized and coveted mistake. I'll never let you go, I'll surely love you forever because you're the only, the only only one. Watch that hourglass turn and remain stagnant for a second; that second is you dying within me.

But your light is constantly red and I'm speeding at a hundred miles an hour, trying to break through. It never works. It's a perpetual crash and burn for me. I slam into the asphalt, broken and bleeding and still wanting. I should be used to that, but it's just that... I didn't expect you to be the one to break me. Humor has always been lost on me, but if I knew it, I might laugh at this entire situation.

All of those meaningful glances, those double entendres to lead me on… they were all a joke on your part, weren't they? This is so frustrating, to know you want someone so much while knowing at the same time that you're never, never bound to have them.

It's tragic, but hey, that's my life, right? As much as I try to change it I seem to remain cemented here, to this blind space in front of you.

Amazing, and way to go, you had me fooled all along. Go to someone else, to that one you've been holding back on because there has to be someone, you can't be this completely desolate. I know I'm not amazing or gorgeous, but I don't think you'd give up on yourself because of all this. You can't be this alone for this long and still survive.

I came to this city hoping to be found and I'm more lost than ever. Another kind of irony that should be lost on me now but isn't.

I don't begrudge you happiness, though I think that I'm entitled to feel a bit sad for myself. I'm sure I'll find someone else, I don't deny that, I just don't think that I'll love them like I loved, like I love you. How is it you can't even acknowledge how amazing this could have been? We would have been so good. If I told you this, if I confronted you with that awkward truth; would you even take a moment to wonder if you wanted to believe it?

You can think what you want of the attention, of the emotion that I show for you but it's all I know. I could care less now. I'm the one who knows that it's not a fleeting adoration. A crush wouldn't keep me awake all night. A crush would not keep me awake all morning, sobbing into my pillow because for some reason I'm not enough for you. A crush, a crush would not leave me pondering you over a pot of coffee in your favorite diner.

I wouldn't be here, in this office, leaving you if I thought this was somehow fleeting. I love this job almost as much as I do you, and I wouldn't leave without good reason. Crumbling inside, I can't stand to sit here before you anymore, watching you watch me. I've tried to break through, I tried to help, I tried to try and you stood motionless all these years.

You look at me, broken and lost. I almost laugh, after all these years, you finally get it, don't you? "But... but..." and I wait, wait, wait. "But I love you." Humor, god, god I wish I could find it right now. A laugh would be so wonderful right at this damn moment.

You love me? You don't, this is a last ditch attempt to keep me by your side because the prospect of losing your 'comfort blanket' is just too much to bear; the prospect of finding a replacement bears too strongly on this fragile existence you've hastily built.

Nothing I can say will make you believe me; nothing I can do will make you believe, and that's why I'm leaving. That's why I have to leave and take all of this longing with me for the ride.

"Well, Grissom..." I start as I'm getting up out of your visiting chair (visiting, that's all I've been doing all these years) "Maybe some day love will be enough for you." Not today, love isn't enough today. It hasn't been enough these five years. There's a very good chance that it will never be enough for you; I just hope that you don't waste the last years of your life without finding something to fill that void that resides in your eyes.

And there's nothing you could have given me to make me believe except yourself. That's all, all. I could have cared less if you'd given me diamonds, showered me with pearls. You, just you, are all I need. I don't need all the added bonuses; I don't need the complimentary gifts. All I've ever, all I'd ever wanted was you, your body and soul as is. Can anyone else truly say that about someone else?

You'll die alone, I offer absolutely no sympathy for that because it's honestly and truly your own damn fault. I could have been the one… I would have loved you so well...

Better off I sparkle on my own, I think.