Love is like Pi: Natural, Irrational, Important Chapter 4: Givin' up on you, a dawson's creek fanfic

She was mad. She couldn't take it anymore. She thought all this crap was over, all those mixed feelings had come undone, untangled, that they had figured things out, once and for all. They were adults now, so why did they always come back to the feeling of being sixteen? There was no escaping it.

She remembered sitting on his picnic table, watching Lily and Alexander running up to his old bedroom, thinking that history might be repeatingt itself at that moment and wondering if the fate would be the same. And then he had surprised her with his clarity, telling her that what they had went beyond friendship, beyond lovers, that they were soulmates. It had felt right. It had felt free. It had made feel her powerful, as if she could finally be happy, and be with Pacey, the man that she loved, her true, real, passionate love, without it being a reason for losing Dawson, the pure and innocent source of love in her life.

However, once again, he had let those mixed feelings surface. They had gone shopping once they were done with breakfast, after leaving Pacey to take care of a few details at the restaurant. They were just browsing through some paintings in a random store, catching up on the past few weeks. Joey had talked about Pacey, about how completely filled with joy and happiness she was. He had shot her a look. It was a look she knew too well, a look that had made an alarm go off in her head. She had tried to ignore it, trying on focus on the fact that he had said he was happy for them, thinking that he must have meant it, that the look didn't mean anything. However, he added words to that look and said that he was a bit jealous and that he wished he wasn't.

She hadn't wanted to start a fight or overanalyze that sentence because, frankly, they had done enough overanalyzing. So, she had just stared at him, and before he could explain or argue or try to convince her that he wanted her back, she had looked at her watch, telling him that she had to run and would meet with him and Pacey later for drinks, as they had agreed earlier that morning.

And she had walked out, leaving him to stare at her as she did so.

She had gone for a long walk, which ended with her sitting at the docks, wondering why she had let herself believe that it could work out, that she could have them both in her life. "And here I am, again", she thought aloud, sighing. She got up and walked home.

She entered the appartment and walked into the kitchen. Pacey was already there, cooking something delicious once again.

"Hey! Where have you been?" He walked toward her, planting a solid kiss on her mouth and setting his hands on her waist.

"I just walked around for a bit..."

"What's wrong?" He was staring at her, frowning a little.

"Nothing." She signed, resting her forehead against him.

"What happened with Dawson?"

"How do you know it has anything to do with Dawson?" She closed her eyes, her forehead still pressed to his. He kissed the tip of her nose.

"I just know. What happened?"

"He said he was jealous. I left. That's really all there is to it. I don't think I can deal with this. Not again."

Pacey wrapped his arms around her, molding her body to his.

"Jo... I think you have to deal with this."

She moved back, looking up at him, a little puzzled. She was not expecting this. "What?"

"I mean, you said it yourself. He's tied to your childhood and it's a love that is 'pure and eternally innocent'. I think you owe it to yourself and to the past and... " He paused for a second. "Well... do you remember what Andie said before she left for Italy? About the three of us?"

She nodded. Pacey contrinued : "She said we were luckly, because it is so rare to have friends that you've known your entire life. And then she added that we should not underestimate that, because 'in the end, you always go back to the people that were there in the beginning'. Those words stuck with me all these years. Jo, I promised myself that if I got the chance, ever again in my life, to have you back and mend the friendship between Dawson and I, that I would not let that chance go, that I would take it. Honestly, Dawson seemed fine with us together. I mean, I know it was on the phone only and maybe that actually seeing us together was more to deal with than he thought it would be, but I truly believe that this time, we can make this work. Really work. We're not sixteen anymore, Jo."

She was looking at him, amazed. "I know. We'll go for drinks with Dawson later. And I'll talk to him. See what we can do." He smiled. She kissed him lightly on the lips, bringing her arms around his neck. She broke the kiss and leaned back a little, staring at him in the eyes. He made her feel good. "God, Pacey... How do you always know what to say?"

He let out a small laugh. "Ha... not so 'emotionally retarted' anymore, right?", he said that with one of his smirk spreak across his face, still holding her tight against him.

She had to laugh at that one.

XXXX

She was a little drunk. Things seemed easier for her that way, sometimes. Not everything, of course. But expressing her feelings seemed somehow less painful. She could still vividly remember being drunk and lying on Pacey's bed, telling him that he never got over her. She had kissed him. She would have never dared do that if she hadn't been drunk. She thought about that while browsing the songs binder. She looked up at Pacey, smiling.

"Are you going to sing, Potter?"

She nodded. Why not? She was tired of all the talking. She felt it didn't add up to anything. It never had, really. She knew that now. She would make things clear, once and for all. Pacey was staring at her. He knew the situation with Dawson she was bothering her. She wanted to make sure he knew it wasn't going and didn't question their relationship. How could it? She was so happy. She found the song she wanted, knowing it would be perfect. Dawson was sitting opposite to her, pouting. She loved him, but he could be selfish, and that she didn't like. She had put up with that for too long. She deserved better. They all did. She went to the karaoke table, signed up her name and song. The guy told her she'd be next. She went back to the table, sat on Pacey's lap. He put his arms around her waist, naturally. His hands fit there. They fitted perfectly anywhere on her body, she thought. She bent her face toward his and kissed him softly on the lips. She whispered in his ear "I love you, Pace". She could feel him smiling against her cheek. She heard her name being called. She got up, stopped in front of Dawson and looked him in the eyes.

"I'm a little drunk. And I'm going to go up there, and sing this song. And you might want to listen to it, Dawson. I mean, you know, really listen".

She gave him a kiss on the cheek. He stared at her, feeling uneasy. He knew he had somehow messed up things with his attitude. He wasn't sixteen anymore. She could live without him now, if he forced her too.

She got up on stage. Pacey looked at her. Man, that woman was sexy. Her jeans fit perfectly in all the right places. The tank top, the hair. The look in her eyes. She looked back at him, smiled. Then, she locked her eyes with Dawson's and started singing, staring at him the whole time.

Silent and quiet
Again in my life
Far from these moments, I wish I was

Passion and truth
We were about
Before the shadows stole the beat of our hearts

After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love there is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight

Undo this leash
You say I tied
When only our fears are to blame this time
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide

Where do we go
When did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart

Silence and quiet
Passion and truth
I wish I was, I wish I was

She hold on to the mic while singing, never leaving Dawson's eyes. The crowd was cheering on. She was good. Dawson glanced away at Pacey for a second, but Pacey was staring at Joey. She had never done anything like that. She had never been 'in you face' like that about her love for him to Dawson. Dawson had always been some kind of a buffer for their relationship, always in between them, somehow. Quiet at times but always so present, so there. Sometimes, he knew he might have been the only one feeling that presence. She could forget about Dawson, or so she said. As he had told Joey years before, he was afraid of that part of her heart that would always be reserved for Dawson, had always envisionned her life to be with him. Seeing her up there, so up front about her feelings, confronting Dawson for once, he wondered and then realized that her heart was all his. It was his to love and protect. It was his to cherish. He felt this warm and fuzzy feeling spreading throughout his body, finally reaching his heart. The doubts left all at once. A smile spread across his face. Joey's eyes left Dawson's and she settled her gaze on Pacey for a moment. She saw him smile, knew that he understood, that they would be safe.

She left the stage, walked toward the table, took Pacey's hand when she reached him. Dawson got up, a puzzled and desolated look on his face.

"Joey, I'm..."

She raised her other hand, stopping him.

"Not now, Dawson. I think I'm too drunk to have this conversation. We're going home now. I'm tired. You can have breakfast with us tomorrow morning, if you want."

He stared at her and nodded.

She started walking toward the door, Pacey walking close behind her, his hands on her waist again. She stopped and turned around. She looked at Dawson over Pacey's shoulder and smiled, then turned back, bringing Pacey's arm around her shoulder and resumed her walk toward the exit.

They got outside and Joey stopped and turned to Pacey. "You'll have to carry me".

He laughed. "In your dreams, Potter."

"But, Pacey... I...". She gave him the puppy eyes, the ones he couldn't resist. The ones she knew he couldn't resist. He rolled his eyes and bent down to pick her up, carrying her to the car. She smiled a victorious drunken smile and put her arms around his neck, kissing his jaw.

XXXX

The smell of bacon woke her up. Flashbacks from the night before came rushing in. Had she made a fool of herself? She had sang. She had been up on a stage and she had sang. She was mad. Yes. Mad at Dawson. Now she remembered. She felt a small smile forming on her lips. She was relieved. She had been clear, that she remembered perfectly. Take us or leave us. She was with Pacey now, it would last forever. There was no choosing between the two. There never was, really. It had been mostly about confusion. Confusing love and friendship, or whatever it was that she shared with Dawson. She hoped she still shared it. She hoped he would come around and realize that what they had was great and different and, most of all, worth it. She hoped he could accept it, feel that it was more than enough and just perfect in itself. She hoped he could realize that she loved Pacey, that he made her happy. Dawson should be happy about it too.

She turned around to find the place beside her empty. Then she remembered the smell of bacon. He was cooking breakfast. Such a perfect man, she thought, still smiling. She got up, also remembering that the alcohol from the nigt before was now giving her a headache. She walked to the bathroom, turned the shower on, found some aspirin in the pharmacy. She took one, stripped off her clothes and stepped under the warm water. She let the hot water drip over her body, relaxing. She turned the water off after a few minutes, dried off her hair with a towel and plugged in the hair dryer. She wrapped a towel around herself and dried her hair. Then she put it up, washed her face and slipped on a pair of jeans and a purple blouse. She found her flip flops under the bed and walked downstairs.

"Good morning sunshine!" Pacey turned toward her as she entered the kitchen.

"You cooked breakfast. I love you" She smiled, sitting at the table. He put a cup of coffee in front of her.

"How are you feeling?" He kissed her before going back to the stove, where he put eggs on two plates, added bacon, toasts and strawberries before walking back to the table. He sat across from her. Joey looked at the clock. Dawson had not showed up.

"Aspirin, shower, and now food. I feel good". She smiled.

There was a knock on the door. She felt relief wash over her.

"I was wondering where he was", Pacey said as he got up to answer.

He came back to the kitchen, Dawson following him. Pacey put a plate of food in front of him on the table.

"Jo..."

"Let me just make one thing clear, Dawson. I mean, you gave me this speech, about how what we had went beyond love and beyond friendship. What was that all about if you can't even seem to understand that I'm happy right now. Dawson, if even now you can't be happy for me, at least pretend. Or go. Leave. I, for once, have had enough. You either take us together, or not at all" She starred at him, waiting for him to say or do something.

Pacey's eyes were on Joey. Yes, she'd had enough. He also knew, however, that she needed Dawson in her life. She had explained it very clearly. He was tied to her childhood, she loved him. He knew that it was pure and innocent. He was okay with that. He just wanted her to be happy, and it did not matter what she said, he knew that part of her being completely happy went beyond the love they felt for each other. Part of her happiness had somethingto do with her relationship with Dawson. He could do nothing else than accept it. He wanted the three of them to get back the special bond they once shared, such a long time ago. He hoped it was possible to have that again, or at least have something similar.

Dawson looked at her, then glanced at Pacey briefly before turning back to Joey.

"Joey, look. I didn't mean that I wanted you back or anything. I know that's what it sounded like, but what I really meant is that it somehow makes me a little sad. Not that we're not together. I meant it when I said that what we have is beyond love and friendship. I'm not in love with you, not in that sense, anyway. I just wish I had someone. That's all. That's all I meant. I write about love, see it, portrait it in my show but don't really have any. True love, I mean. I work all the time, didn't really have a real, meaningful date in forever. I just miss that feeling of belonging to someone. I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear before."

She smiled, tears swelling up in her eyes. "So... you meant what you said, about being happy for us?" She glanced at Pacey and he smiled at her, reassuring. She looked at Dawson, expectantly.

Dawson looked back at her, then at Pacey. "Yes. I meant every single word of it. You guys... you guys are perfect for each other. I see that now. I should have seen it ten years ago, it would have save us all a lot of pain and trouble. I was just too selfish and immature back then, I guess. So, you forgive me?".

She was crying now. She didn't think she ever felt so relieved in her whole life. She got up and hugged him, whispering "Thank you".

XXXX

A/N: The song is "Givin' up on you" and Lara Fabien sings it. Not by me.

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