Disclaimer: Alas The OC belongs to The Schwartz and not I.
The boys had wanted to throw her a party, some special welcome home. Kirsten didn't have the heart to tell them it wasn't what she wanted. They'd seemed so eager, desperate somehow that if they invited over a few people, bought in orange juice by the crate and let Seth grill anything he came into contact with, then they could save her from herself. Maybe she owed them that much, some uneasy reassurance that would keep them going for now. But she couldn't help but remember that the last party she'd been to was her father's wake. Her welcome home party had been small, just her boys, Julie and Jimmy, Summer, and not that painful in the end. But she was glad that the party was now over. That she had the calm of her own house back.
She washed a few dishes, keeping herself busy, doing stuff with her hands, things her therapist had told her could help make things that little bit easier. She passed plate after plate through her hands mindlessly, until she came to an ornate crystal champagne glass, rubbing out the orange juice pulp with care, protecting the fragile flute. The set had been her mother's she remembered, a slight melancholy ironic smile gracing her face.
'You Ok ?' She heard Sandy interrupt from the doorway, still wearing the ridiculous party hat that she was sure had been Seth's idea, and the slightly forced grin that had sustained him all afternoon, and probably all summer.
'You're not….' His implicit question tailed off, his blue eyes darkening as he took in the glass, a look she hadn't seen until this year.
'I'm not' she looked up, smiling her reassurance.
'But you're tempted ?' her husband continued, softer now, childlike almost, his twenty-two year old voice, Seth's voice.
'Always' she admitted, wavering slightly. He nodded sadly in reply. She turned back to her dishes, and her silence. After a few seconds he joined her, taking her piles of dishes, and meandering from the sink to the dishwasher. They worked in quite for a while, the physical rythmn of twenty years keeping time, keeping them efficient.
'Thank you' Kirsten half-whispered words she'd been waiting to say since he'd picked her up. Sandy just listening, taking the last champagne glass from her, placing it in the dishwasher with deliberate care, knowing how much it meant.
'You were right, I had too' She continued, strangely nervous with the man who knew her most. She felt an aching absence, the whole painful lack of words, watching the forced, desperate Sandy who'd replaced the irreverent man she'd left behind. She'd always been quite, a crafted reticence that allowed her to enjoy her husband's rambling, and later her son's, and to identify with her foster-son's soft watchfulness. But now was the time for words, words that drowned out her screaming actions.
'Sandy, I want to talk' She said, her voice firmer, more insistent now.
'As you wish my beautiful bride' Sandy continued, his voice a little too sweet, and his hand on her behind.
'Sandy' her voice filled a little with warning, a tone he recognised meant business.
'Alright, alright' he appeased, lifting his hands up in mock defence.
'What do want to talk about ?' his now serious voice asked
'You' she stated with the concerned intonation that he knew too well, her hand on her hip, her head titled, and her blue sky eyes asking questions her mouth had yet to voice.
'Me?' his eyebrows shot up in confusion. He'd become so used to not talking about himself, with everything that had happened with Kirsten and Ryan and Trey, he'd had other things on his mind.
'Ok, we'll talk about me' he said laughing, gesturing to himself in agreement.
'Why is this…I mean why are…you…being weird ?' She finally got out.
'I wasn't aware I was… plus I always thought that was kinda part of my charm' he said meeting her eyes.
'Quiet then, I've never known Sandy Cohen to be so mute' Kirsten half-teased.
'I thought I was being supportive' he justified suddenly sounding incredibly Jewish.
'You were' his wife's voice rose a little, 'are' she corrected.
'Then what ?' he was confused.
'I don't just want you to support me, I appreciate it, I do, but I'm worried too you know?. It's been a long summer for us all, and Sandy I want to know how you are. Yes I've been in rehab all summer, and I don't know if I'm 'cured' or what that means, its always going to be a struggle, but I'm not totally breakable anymore. I won't shatter if you tell me things. I want to support you too'. She now had a hand on his back. Kirsten had been worried about her husband for a while. He'd seemed distracted when he'd visited her. When the boys came to see her they'd expressed their own concerns in their own secret ways. Seth had joked about Sandy sitting up in his office all night probably watching Over The Top on repeat or having surreptitious McQueen marathons, and Ryan, Ryan who seemed so lost himself now, even he'd said it 'Sandy misses you', his voice trying on hopeful, like all the other things he tried to be. But Kirsten had read between the lines. She needed to know how he was doing.
'Honeslty ?' he asked
'Honestly' she reassured.
'It has been a long summer, and its felt longer without you, and its been a battle with everything that happened with Ryan and Trey. I have to almost demand that he talks to me'. Sandy shook his head 'He's been pretty much mute since Dawn told him this was all his fault at the funeral. I mean, on the day they sentenced Marissa, he just locked himself in the poolhouse… And Seth's become more neurotic with you gone, if that's believable. Summer's normally here to calm him down, but I feel him spinning away from me again, just like when he was fifteen'. Sandy sounded defeated. She hadn't heard him using that voice since Ryan had gotten caught looking at Oliver's file.
Kirsten wrapped her arm around her husband, providing the support he'd given her, finally reciprocating the big bear hug that he'd given her the night that they arrived at Suriak.
'Why didn't you tell me ?' her voice was deliberate, asking a question to which she already knew the answer.
'To protect you' he said.
'Well now I'm here to protect you' she countered. To protect my sons and my family she added silently in her head. That's what Kirsten had realised family was these past few weeks, a group of people you wanted to protect, like lions in a pride.
' I love you' Sandy leant in and kissed her.
'I love you' she replied, pulling away gently and wrapping her arms around his neck.
'You know I was so afraid, that night of your DUI. I don't know what I'd do..what we'd do, if you weren't…..here…permentanly' he said, almost warningly. This year had made him look older, Kirsten noted.
'You don't have to worry about that' she reassured 'I'm not going anywhere'.
His silence spoke volumes. 'Sandy, we're not going to fall apart. You didn't give up on me, and I'm not giving up on you, we will make it'
He nodded and smiled, moving back to the dishes.
'Sandy…' she twisted her new wedding ring with her fingers, like she always did when she felt uneasy. 'Did you….did you ..blame me?' she tried, curiosity getting the better of her, knowing she had blamed her mother almost as much as she loved her, knowing her own spikey feelings of guilt, how the drinking had become as much her punishment as her escape, punishment for falling for Carter, for putting herself before her kids, for things she did too long ago
Sandy's faced contorted slightly, his jaw tightening with reluctance. 'A little' he admmited looking down. 'The night of the accident I was angry too. How could you not think of the boys? How could you not think of me? Sometimes over the summer when things got really bad….yeah, I was angry, and I did, on bad days, I blamed you' Sandy let out the breath he was unaware he'd been holding, strangely refreshed by the truth.
'Its ok' she replied calmly. 'I blamed you, too. At least at first I did. I blamed you for Rebecca. I blamed you last summer, for Seth sailing away. I blamed you for bringing Ryan home, for giving me another son that I couldn't keep, for making this family feel complete just long enough to know what it felt like to have it ripped apart. And I thought that if you'd never brought him, then Seth would never have left. I know its awful, right? But I…I don't know, it just kind of made some sad sense to me. And I blamed you for keeping my father's secrets..I guess I was scared that if you started keeping secrets too, then you'd dissapoint me too, like he always did.' Kirsten confessed.
Sandy lifted his head, a little scared by where this conversation was taking him
'But I blamed me, too' she explained 'I guess that's where it started, and I guess this is what ..what you need to know' She knew she owed him insight, he'd done so much for her, and she understood that knowledge was what helped Sandy process a situation, she owed it to the bright eyed inquisitive man she'd fallen in love with, whose favourite word was always 'why?'. ' I blamed myself last summer, for telling Theresa my story…Sandy' she looked her husband in the eye, realising that now was the time.
'I had an abortion' she said the words out loud, finally freeing herself.
'What?' Sandy's crestfallen eyes looked back at her, his happy mask truly gone for the first time that evening.
'I was twenty… its was after the first time we met Sandy.. the first time I'd ever done anything like that.. I'd only just broken up with Jimmy…and I had no idea….that I'd fall in love with this charming crazy Jewish boy that I just done this crazy thing with…You we're Rebecca Bloom's boyfriend…you we're political and read Bukowski ..I didn't really think you'd want to have a baby with some rich Orange County blonde girl you'd slept with once…..and I couldn't…I wanted my degree…I didn't want to be tied to my father's money forever like all the other girls I grew up with …I didn't want a baby just then….and I didn't know how much I'd care that it was gone' Tears were rolling down her face now. 'I only told my mom …y'know..that I was pregnant…and she was happy..I'd never thought she would be, but she was.She didn't even mind that it wasn't Jimmy's baby and she bought me this little bassinette with blankets and everything. The morning of the abortition I took the blankets and folded them neatly away, as some kind of ritual thing.. I don't know … that's when I took off for a little while..started living in the mail truck….I mean, I had no idea that this is how things would turn out…that Seth would be born only three years later.' Sandy had his arms around her, and he was crying too, the first time she'd seen him cry, feeling the loss his wife had carried around for twenty three years. They stood and rocked each other for a while, this odd freedom from the past both hurting and binding them again.
'I know theres's nothing, I can really say, But I'm glad you told me' Sandy intoned softly. Kirsten realised that no matter how much you want to protect you're family, love means knowing when you need to tell them the truth. In that moment she saw the difference between herself and her father, the spectre she would no longer allow to haunt her, the man she could now mourn rather than fear becoming. They continued to hold each other, breathing in time, watching the sun sets as the searing orange sky gave way to the warm embracing violet night. They watched for a while privately picking out the same painted stars he'd shown her the night they first met, in another unvierse, all those years ago.
'You're not angry?' she asked
'The past is the past' Sandy replied, knowing the importance of this moment.
'Good.' Kirsten sighed 'Because now that I'm back I will be the wife that you need, the mother than Ryan and Seth need'
'Oh honey' It hurt him a little that she didn't understand 'You have always been just what I need' he whispered into her hair. 'You wanna know something the Nana once told me?'
'Oh God' Kirsten groaned.
'No C'mon , here me out. She once told this old Jewish philosophy that soul mates are like one soul cracked in two, and when the two halves find each other they're complete, they're not lost anymore…' Sandy explained, turning her around to face her, stroking her mascara stained cheeks
'You always were prone to impressive speeches' his wife's genuine laugh greeted him, replacing her hard bittersweet one for the first time in what seemed like forever, and she kissed him with a fervour she hadn't felt in years.
'Well' Sandy said, as they pulled slowly apart 'on that note we really should get back to the dishes'
'Of course' said Kirsten her mischievous eyes sparkling as she splashed him with the water.
'Oh, that's the way you wanna play it' his tone changed, becoming playful, as he scooped up a full handful of suds and painted a foam moustache across her delicate features.
'Sexy?' she enquired, with a mock playboy bunny pout and come to bed eyes.
'Always' he confirmed, picking her up and spinning her round, as she shrieked with laughter, so glad that they were no longer lost, happy that they were finally on their way home.