Chapter 13

He had slept little, spending most of his night making sure she was breathing. The rise and fall of her chest relaxed him. Thinking back, he scorned himself for not coming forward sooner. Had he done so. this could have been prevented. The exact reasons she had twirling in her mind was somewhat still a mystery to him, but he resolved to believe that in time, she would tell him.

Waves moved in, crashing on the shore, showing signs of an approaching storm. Joseph was thankful the current had not been that strong yesterday. It was relatively calm then,still it had taken both he and Shades to drag her in. He had done alot of thinking, as well as praying this morning, as he looked from her to the wall of large glass windows ahead of him.

Just one day before, Joseph had thought it was a hopeless case, on both of their parts. Yet, after he turned to leave her for good, his heart told him differently. He had no more stepped twenty feet before he turned around, knowing full well he had to talk with her. This morning he knew for sure it was not hopeless. On the contrary, their feelings were very much alive and in need of each other. It would not take time, not as much as he had feared. They only needed a little time together to talk. Real time, like now.

Joseph took another sip of his coffee, relaxing against the velvet cushions behind him. He wasn't sure what he was going to say to her, or even where to start. She was delicate now, and his words needed to comfort her more than anything. Delicate. That was a word he had never used to describe Clarisse Renaldi. For her to be so vulnerable, she must have been hurting extremely bad, and for some time. How had he missed that? How could he have missed seeing that kind of hurt? Maybe he had, but had chosen to turn away, knowing it cut at him just as deep. This time he could not afford to turn away. He must face the reality of the situation. Clarisse must face it with him.

"How did you know I was here?" She pulled on her satin blue robe as she came to sit next to him. Taking her in his arm, he pulled her close to him, wanting to touch her.

"I talked with Shades a few days ago. He let a few things slip." Joseph knew now was the time for honest answers. "I'm glad I came, I am sorry I didn't approach you sooner." He rubbed her cheek softly as he whispered to her. "I sat on the rock jetty for two days watching you." She lifted her eyes to his. "I did alot of thinking, probably too much. It hurt, watching you cry like that. Too much had come between us, and I wasn't sure if it was fixable. Yesterday evening, right before you went out there, I chose to leave, Clarisse. I told myself it would be for good if I did. I didn't get far before I heard my heart speaking."

"What did it say?"

"The most important words were 'I love her', and then it repeated something Shades had told me. 'I don't know what it is like to be in love with a Queen, but I know it has to be difficult. I also do not know what is it like to be in love with my head of security, but I can imagine that is difficult also.' I know Shades is not known for his intelligence, but this is one time he had a good point. Both of us suffer because we love each other, yet we suffer alone Clarisse. In order to make this work, we have to share everything." His words were gentle and warming, soothing her soul instead of hurting it again.

"Yes, you're right. I've never shared much with anyone, whether it be love, pain, joy, or hurt. Joseph, I want to, but I need help doing it."

"I know love. So do I. Do you think we can take it one step at a time?" He moved closer to her, touching her face with his.

Her tears became evident now as she spoke, "If you still want me." Joseph hugged her, holding her against him.

"Not only do I want you, I need you Clarisse, and you are Clarisse to me." She pulled away from him a little, needing space to see his face.

"That night Joseph..."

Joseph cut her off, "You don't have to tell me now."

"I want to." He nodded for her to continue. "I felt like I had to go, I knew he would not back down, yet I still held hope that he would drop the whole mess. I don't know why I did. Maybe I was looking for an easy way out, any way out. I'm not use to people like Mabrey. Rupert always dealt with them. I knew what was going on, but was never a part of it until now. Now I am the center of it. Try as I might, I cannot be like Rupert, forceful and cunning towards them. I am just not cut out for that kind of politics. I also remembered a promise I made to him. He just asked of me one thing, one thing Joseph; that I secure the crown. I felt like I was a disappointment. I wasn't going to be able to do that. If I couldn't honor his wish, I felt like I would never be any good to you either. Can you understand that?"

"Clarisse, I never knew so much rested on your shoulders. Yes, love, I understand now. I could have helped you, and I want to help you, can you understand that?"

"I do now." She picked up his hand and squeezed. "To finish my story, I went to him, I went willingly. I had every intention of sleeping with him. When I finally got there Joseph, when I was in his room, sitting on his bed, with his hands touching me, I never knew a more disgusting feeling. I took off my clothes for him, and he pushed me down. As soon as his body touched mine, I snapped, and I knew I was wrong. My mind kept calling for you. I tried to push him off, and I told him no, but it was no use. It was too late. I had let it go too far, and he didn't stop. I am just as much to blame..." Her head hung in shame at the thought of what she had confessed to him.

"Clarisse, I don't know what to say, other than this. I can't say I am not blaming you. It will take time for me to let it go. Bare with me, please?"

"Joseph, I will. I promise you." She entwined her fingers with his.

"I was telling you the truth," he added. She looked up at him once more. "He was already lying on the floor, his head cut open and bleeding when I got up the stairs in his home." She sat up, confusion crossing her face.

"Joseph, if you didn't do that, then who did?"

"I'm not for sure, but I have my suspicions." She waited for him to continue. "I don't have proof, actually I don't have anything but a hunch. Clarisse, I think Charlotte did that to him." Clarisse's jaw dropped open.

"What makes you think that?"

"Well a man didn't do it. A man would have killed him with a blow like that. When I got back to the palace I overheard the maids talking, something about you wanting to see Charlotte earlier, but no one knew where she went, but she had been gone, and that was at the same time I was gone. Mabrey has small, smooth pebbles along the pavement in his driveway. I checked, Charlotte had some stuck in the treads of her tires. Now they could have come from anywhere, but all afternoon Charlotte was just not herself."

"I see. Do you think we should ask?"

"It would help to know for sure, but maybe we should do it in a round about way, when we get back to the palace." Clarisse shook her head in agreement. "I had every intention of killing him Clarisse. I did. But when I got the chance to do it, I backed down, because of you."

"I'm glad you did. I don't want you to be anything like him." She moved herself back, leaning once more into him. For the first time in weeks she really felt good, loved. Joseph was beside her, and she had every intention of keeping him there.

"We return tomorrow. Are you up for it?"
"Only if I have you with me." Joseph touched his lips to hers, just enough to warm her. "I don't think it's possible for you to get rid of me now."