Pursuing Sanity

By: Max Pilote

Chapter Five – A Family for Comfort

November 14, 1986

James pulled his knees to his chest as he finally caught his breath. The world faded in from black and the scenery came back to him. Staring up at the skies, he saw the clouds float overhead and couldn't help but feel they were mocking him, laughing at his recent failures. He looked from the sky to his discarded wand, and then back to the sky. What happened? Why had he done that?

He removed his glasses and cleaned them on his robes before placing them back on his face. It was a nervous habit he had developed from his school years, just as he ran his hands through his hair when Lily was near. It seemed a silly thing to do now, though, because Lily was his wife. They even had a son. He didn't have to do anything to get Lily's attention. She just gave it to him.

His thoughts were dragged back to his current predicament as a woman came into the alley, staring down at James.

"You let him get away?" she demanded.

The shaken wizard rolled his eyes and muttered a few curses under his breath as got his feet, picking up his discarded wand.

"Yes, I even gave him a boost over the wall," he replied sarcastically.

He sighed heavily and checked his watch. It was ten in the morning. Only an hour into the workday, he had already screwed up.

"James, go home and get some rest. We've got enough people working," she said to him, trying to make it sound like he wasn't really needed. It was a lie, though. They were always a little shorthanded when it came to fighting the Dark Arts these days. Of course, they weren't as much of a threat as they had been when Voldemort was in power. They were more of an annoyance now, all these people trying to bring their Dark Lord back.

He laughed softly at himself as he placed the cardboard box on his desk. It had still been there under the desk since the last time he had left work. That time he had a decent reason. He was forced to go into hiding because Voldemort was after him. This time, he had no such reason. The only reason he had was that he was slowly going insane.

After gathering the last of his things, James Potter held the box in his arms as he decided to walk the distance home. Dumbledore had opted to rebuild the ruined Godric's Hollow for the Potters. James said that he could build it, but they weren't moving back in there. There were too many reminders as it was. October 31st had become a holiday among wizards, a day to celebrate the defeat of the Dark Lord.

Of course, this year had been Harry's first Halloween that he was old enough to go trick-or-treating with some of his little muggle friends who lived in the neighborhood. His father was very thankful for Halloween's tradition of wearing costumes. This kept his identity a mystery to most people; meaning that no one would recognize him as the man who defeated Voldemort five years ago.

The title wasn't one he celebrated, actually. Everyone was always so happy about it. They treated him like a celebrity. The whole night had been a heavy weight on James's mind, though, and it wasn't gone. He still had nightmares and he still felt the pain of Cruciatus curse when he would remember. Remus had told him five years ago that it would go away. He said that it was probably just a phase. Well, it was a pretty long damn phase.

"James, can I see you in my office for a few moments?"

He turned and saw Fudge standing there. James nodded and followed the Minister of Magic into his large office. It felt cold, rather than cozy. There were different pictures of the previous ministers staring down at him as he crossed the large stone room and sat in the chair across the desk from Fudge.

'When was the last time I had been in this office?' he thought silently to himself as Fudge began talking.

November 14, 1981

The flame turned green and jumped from the fireplace as a rather tall figure stumbled out of it. Brushing off his robes, he looked down at Remus.

"Come on, we have to get to the Ministry of Magic, right now!" he said urgently, grabbing Remus's arm and pulling him out of his chair.

"What the hell are you talking about?" demanded the werewolf as he was dragged to his feet. "What news was I supposed to hear?"

"You'll find out at the Ministry! Come on, damnit!" he exclaimed angrily. With a pop, he disappeared, apparating to the Ministry. Lupin knew he had no other choice. He sighed heavily and followed suit.

Fudge looked up as he saw the two wizards appear in his office. "Why, Mr. Potter, this is certainly an unexpected visit. What is the purpose of such a spontaneous action?" he asked, looking up from the papers on his desk.

"You can't just put Sirius in Azkaban like that!" cried James. "For life? What were you thinking?"

Fudge sighed heavily, "Of course, I should have expected this. James, why do you still trust Sirius so much if he betrayed you?"

"He wasn't my secret-keeper! Peter Pettigrew was! If anyone deserves life in Azkaban, it's that chubby bastard!" retorted the already enraged wizard.

Anger and rage, confusion and bewilderment, but also with surprise. These little emotions ran rampant in the room as the three stood there. It seemed the temperature rose as the tensions did. This was actually the first time Remus has heard anything about this. It explained why Sirius didn't come home. It was hardly a surprise, though. He had been expecting the brash young wizard to go over the deep end soon. What he didn't expect, however, was how bad it would be. Fourteen people? Was Sirius even capable of that?

He shook his head. Of course Sirius was capable of that. He spent most of his school days just pissing off the Slytherins. Other times, he got into duels or fist fights. Somewhere within Sirius, his loyalty to his friend was somehow connected to violence.

"You know as well as I do that Sirius Black was sent to Azkaban for the murder of Peter Pettigrew and thirteen others. Him not being the secret-keeper doesn't change the fact that he murdered fourteen people," stated Fudge matter-of-factly.

James turned to Remus, searching for some form of aid. Lupin shook his head, sensing what James needed. He wasn't going to give it to him, however.

"Actually, I do not believe that Sirius is incapable of such an act," he said bluntly, frowning at the glare he received from his friend. "You, too, have noticed the way that he has been acting lately. He even chased that poor guy down the street. I am sorry, but I will not vouch for innocence that he does not posses."

"Mr. Potter, are you listening to me?"

James turned his eyes and stared at Fudge. "Oh, I'm sorry, I got distracted for a moment," he admitted with a frown.

"That is precisely why I asked you in here, James," said Fudge, using his employee's first name as a way to signify that he was speaking with him on the level of a friend. If he were in a better mood, the Auror would have laughed. He wasn't a friend of Fudge, and he didn't take a particular liking to him. "Many of your fellow co-workers are complaining about your lack of enthusiasm in your work."

"That's ridiculous," replied James with a frown. "I happen to pour a lot of effort into my work."

"Yes, I do agree with that, but there is also the issue of your recent panic attacks," continued the Minister of Magic. "There have been several reported incidents where you have either collapsed on the field or attacked one of your co-workers. It is has been decided that you are not only a danger to your co-workers, but you are also a danger to yourself and the citizens you are trying to protect. Thus, we are placing you on a paid leave. You can return once you have been evaluated by a therapist that I assign to you."

There was silence for a few moments. Normally, the impulsive young wizard would have protested or argued with his superior. Instead, he simply took his advice in stride. It wasn't as if he were the first person to tell James that he could use some sort of psychiatric help. Several people had already done so, including his own wife.

At least it wasn't fired. It felt like fired, though. James frowned as he picked up his box and began the long journey home.

"How was work?" asked Lily with a frown as she watched her husband come in the door. It was agreed that she would stay home and take care of Harry until he was old enough to go to Hogwarts. She didn't loathe the idea. In fact, she loved it. It gave her the entire day to spend with her son. How could she hate that idea?

Her husband didn't respond as he put the box containing his personal belongings down and sighed heavily. Silence hung heavily in the room as he crossed to the fireplace and put it out before sitting on the couch.

"Sweetheart?" she asked softly as she sat beside him, placing her hands gently on his knee for comfort. Several more moments of silence followed after, so she moved her hands from his knee and slipped her arms around him, leaning her head softly on his chest.

A smile crossed James's face as his hand began to gently stroke the beautiful red hair of his wife. "You look beautiful," he whispered to her. He wasn't sure if he said it to change the subject or if he said it because it was true. It was most likely the latter. There was no reason for either lover to hide anything from their significant other.

"So you said this morning," replied Lily with a smile, bringing her head up and kissing his cheek softly. "Now, what is bothering you, dear?"

She would be understanding, wouldn't she? James nodded silently to himself. Of course she would be understanding. This made it a little easier for him to tell her.

"They fired me," he said to her. "Well, it wasn't actually fired. Fudge said that I couldn't return until after he had a therapist evaluate my current mental state."

"But you were doing so good," said his loving wife. "It had been weeks since your last panic attack. Oh, dear, did you have another one this morning?"

His head dropped to her shoulder softly and she felt his chest against hers as he sighed heavily. That was a positive and frightful answer. She kissed his forehead softly and gently caressing his back and shoulders.

"I had one this morning," admitted James. "I collapsed again, and he got away."

As Fudge had indicated, that had not been the very first time that had happened. It was merely the first time in a long while. The last one had been several months before that day. James had apparated into the house, shaking and trembling as if he were freezing cold. That was a ridiculous notion, seeing as though it was the end of spring and beginning of summer. Lily had never learned what had provoked the attack, but she knew that it took her nearly two hours to calm the shaking wizard down. After that, it was decided that they not mention it. It was added to the list of many things they never talked about.

It had been just two years after the fall of Voldemort. People were still not ready to forget about it, and James was more than ready to put it behind him. There were always visitors to the house and people were always coming up to James on the street, asking if they could see his scars or get his autograph.

The couple decided that he was in dire need of a safe haven that he could go to where he was treated just as he always had been, a place where James could go when he didn't want to remember Halloween. So, there were rules established in their home.

No strangers as visitors. Lily had informed all of their friends that if they wanted to come visit, they could come by floo powder or apparate. Remus was the only one who ever visited on a regular basis. He was there to play with Harry, filling in the role of godfather while Sirius was in Azkaban. James enjoyed having Remus as a guest, for the werewolf treated him as if he were no different than anyone else. He still treated James the same way he had when they went to school together.

The second rule was that no one was to mention anything related to Voldemort, Death Eaters, or Peter Pettigrew. The latter was the most important, for it served only to enrage James and send him into his own little world. Lily couldn't blame him. She had grown to like Peter as one of her own friends when she began to date James. The concept that anyone was capable of such a deep betrayal was something she would never be able to fully grasp.

Thus, she removed nearly everything that had to do with the former Marauder from the house. Each of the Marauders gave Harry a toy when he was born, but James saw that the mouse Harry had received was burned in the fire. The only things that hadn't been removed were the pictures that had him in it. Not only were they far too numerous, but James had stated that he liked to remember the times when he was blissfully unaware of the worries around him.

The last rule was that James was to be treated as if he was a normal person. He wasn't that powerful and he wasn't as great as everyone made him out to be.

"Maybe you should go lay down," suggested his loving wife as she kissed his cheek, breaking the long silence between them. "Be quiet, though, for Harry is sleeping."

"Since when did Harry take naps in the middle of the day?" asked James with a smile as he stood up.

"Since I started taking Harry to play on his broomstick," she said with a chuckle. "The poor child tired himself out. After lunch, I cleaned him up and brought him up to bed."

James nodded, "I think I'm going to follow his example. Up to bed!" His rather playful nature and cheerful mood was returning. Lily smiled softly and kissed his cheek.

"Didn't I tell you to be quiet?"

The wizard smiled and removed his shoes so he wouldn't make any noise when he went up the stairs. Quietly, though Lily might have hit him, he peered into his sleeping son's bedroom.

The walls were painted as if the room was a quidditch pitch. One wall had the goal posts on them, as did the opposite wall. The other two walls had the bleachers painted where the spectators sat. The ceiling changed colors according to the time day. James had done so much to make this room special. Sometimes, the seeker painted on the ceiling would chase the snitch, catch it, and then disappear. It was on Harry's command, so that the little boy would always be entertained.

The loving father smiled as he silently crossed the room. Gently, he tucked the blanket (a blue sky decorated with golden snitches and broomsticks) around his five year old. Harry was such a beautiful child. Of course, he had inherited the Potter family curse of the most unruly hair in the world. It was the same get black as his father's and it would never be tamed. The little boy's glasses sat on the nightstand next to his bed. He had wanted to be like his father, and he still did. Therefore, he had the same black frames that his own father wore. There was also a bit of his mother in him as well. He had her beautiful green eyes and a bit of her common sense.

It would be a disaster if he turned out to be exactly like James.

Placing a soft kiss on the child's forehead, James realized how lucky he was that his family was alive. The smile on his face grew slightly, "I love you, Harry."

Harry smiled in his sleep and replied, as if James had spoken in his dream as well; "I love you, too, Daddy."

To be continued...

Author's Notes: I know, I know, that was a rather boring and uneventful chapter. Chapter six is going to be much more fun, though! It includes James's first therapy session, letters to Padfoot, more family fluff, and a very angry and disgruntled group of Marauders.

If you didn't catch it this time, yes, Sirius is in Azkaban. Sorry guys, but you will soon understand the madness behind this crazy author's thinking. Now, I'm not sure how many people Sirius killed because I just really don't have the time to look it up and I lost the third book. It's buried wherever my Lord of the Rings collection is. Jeez, I can't find anything! So, if I'm wrong (because it might have been thirteen people including Pettigrew or some other number) please just refrain from telling me that. It's a fanfiction. So, since I am allowed to change most of what I want, I will say that he killed fourteen people. And if you are so dissatisfied with it, you can (a) use your imagination and pretend it's the right number or (b) you can e-mail me at the e-mail address stated in the first chapter (or simply in your review) and I will e-mail you a correct copy of this chapter.

Thanks for the review for chapter four!

brennqt14: Sorry to horribly disappoint you, but Sirius is not going to get out of Azkaban earlier than he has. Please don't let that discourage you from reading the fic. After all, with James around, he does have a hell of an easier time trying to kill Peter and great fun doing it.

Chapter six is coming very quickly after this chapter. I feel that it s my duty because of the fact that this chapter was really sort of a break period for me. Thus, to make this up to my faithful readers (even if they are few), I will probably post chapter six sometime between Saturday and Monday.