Just a few weeks later, Tirza was excited beyond belief. It was Father's Day in two days, to be followed a week later by vacation! And not just ANY vacation either. Disney world in Florida USA vacation! Turned out to be cheaper to go to the US then Paris, with the muggle exchange rate and all!
A few days after their arrival at Snape Manor for the summer, Tirza went looking for Severus in the massive library. "Dad?"
"Yes dear?" Severus called out
"Can we talk?"
"Sure" Severus replied as he got up from where he was reading
Tirza looked at him for a moment, trying to assess his mood. "Are you in a good mood?"
"Of course" Severus replied
"Ok" she sat down on the floor by his chair. "Is this a good time to talk about mom?" she whispered. Severus nodded
"Try not to yell, ok?"
"I'll try" Severus said
She sighed and nodded, leaning her face against his leg. "Mom said it was my fault. That she had to leave and couldn't marry you and stuff. Cuz she got pregnant with me. And I ruined things. Did I?"
Severus sighed, "In her mind you did but for me you made life worth fighting for"
Tirza shrugged "That's good" it was nice that he loved her even though she had ruined things.
"Why did she say that?"
Severus thought for a few moments "She was angry at me because I had said she might have to go into hiding because of what was happening"
"She's been gone a long time now," Tirza whispered. "Almost two years. Why does she still hurt me?"
"She still haunts me as well," Severus told her "I think it was because you were around her growing up and she was all you had"
"I didn't try to be horrible, honest daddy"
"I know you didn't" Severus said drawing her close "your mom just wasn't well"
"All the time?" Tirza asked, cuddling close
Severus nodded sadly "That seems to be the case"
"Are you sure it wasn't me?
" She whispered, "I guess I was pretty horrible sometimes"
"Tirza from everything you've told me I don't see how it could have been you" She shrugged, not sure what to believe some days
"I love you," she whispered
"I love you too" Severus replied hugging her tight
"She said she wished I had never been born," she whispered
Severus shook his head "I wish I could take back all the hurtful words she said to you because none are true of me"
"I wish you could too," she whispered.
"Daddy, is it bad to think something bad of someone else..."
"Depends on the reason"
"I'm glad mommy isn't here right now" she whispered
"Me too" Severus replied
"Is that bad?"
"She and I would be having words that's for sure," Severus told her
"Yeah?" she asked, looking up at him
"Yes" Severus nodded "your mother was very cruel when she said those things to you"
She ducked her head "Are you sure it wasn't cuz I was bad?"
"You are NOT bad Tirza" Severus told her. She cringed, startled by the stern tone he used
"Don't look at me like that" Severus said quietly "you know you are not a bad child"
"True," she admitted. "It's weird when you sound like that though--like I'm gonna get sm---er, yelled at"
"Like your going to get smacked" Severus supplied "I would never smack you"
"I didn't say that!" she snapped defensively
"You were going to say it and don't try denying it"
She looked him straight in the eye "Not uh" her face flamed red
"Tirza keep it up and you will get in trouble for lying"
Her jaw dropped. "You can't prove I am," she stated softly
"Wanna try me?"
Her eyes widened "huh?"
"You forget about the little thing called truth serum"
Her face fell "you think too much. I meant something else..."
"Fine go to your room and stay there till you can decide to tell the truth because I know you are lying" Tirza's jaw dropped and she ran from the room
Severus sighed and sat down. "Why is she keeping all these secrets from me" he wondered aloud
Ten minutes later Tirza came stomping in "Ok, so you sound creepy like that like bad people on TV, ok? Or like you're gonna smirk at me!"
"Tirza until you are ready to tell me the truth stop babbling"
"I wasn't babbling and that is the truth," he did sound like creepy people--like that dude from die hard when he talked in that weird tone
"Whatever you say," Severus said quietly "I know your not telling the complete truth"
"You are too suspicious. You're not a death person no more and I'm not out to get you and----oops" she said "Was I supposed to know that?"
Severus sighed, "I guess"
"Well you told me you were a spy and I had to ask grandpa you know"
"He shouldn't have told you"
"Well you did tell me you where a spy for the good guys, sorry" she plopped onto his lap again "I know you were a spy, that's what counts right? Is that you were good and not evil?"
"Yes but I still wish that he would've waited to tell you"
"Sorry" she sighed "Can't do anything right today I guess, huh? Wanna make cookies?"
"Do you have any questions about my life back then?" Severus asked, "I guess since you already know it wouldn't hurt to say a little bit more"
"Did you ever get arrested? Or kill bad people? Uncle Mike kills bad people--well, only one"
"I never was arrested but I did kill someone once"
"Wow---was it a bad person?"
"Yes a very bad person" Severus told her
"Ok--did you cry?"
"I didn't because this man had killed someone very close to me and was about to kill someone else"
Her eyes went wide "Who did he kill?"
"My sister" Severus whispered, "I didn't even know I had one really"
"WHAT?" Tirza shrieked, "You had a sister!"
"I didn't even know about her till the day before she died"
"Creepy" she whispered
"Someone gave me information in the core group that there was to be a hit the next night on a house" Severus sighed "I took the information home to research over and hoped to get to the house before the others arrived," Tirza listened to his every word, her eyes growing wider and wider.
"I read who her parents were and I just stared in shock" Severus said quietly "her mom was my mom"
"How?" she whispered
"How did I know she was my sister or how did I know what?"
"How did you know she was your sister? And how did she get killed?" Tirza whispered, her face full of anxiety
"As I said I did research into whose house they were hitting and came across the link to my mom" Severus said quietly "then I did more searching and found her birth certificate amongst my parents belongings"
"Didn't they want her?"
"I never got to ask them that" Severus replied. Tirza's lower lip trembled
Severus took several deep breaths before continuing "This is the part that I'm so to blame for everything"
"Why?" Tirza whispered, "Don't cry..."
"I couldn't stop them" Severus replied "I wasn't told that the timing had been changed so I though I had more time"
"Wasn't your fault" she whispered
"I know it was" Severus said, "I shouldn't have waited so long"
"If it's your fault she died, then... then... I killed mommy," she whispered honestly
"I should have done something"
"There wasn't anything," she whispered, her lower lip trembling again.
"I know but I still am upset"
She nodded. "I know daddy," she whispered
"It's hard to think back to those times"
She nodded, hugging him as tight as she could "I love you daddy, please don't cry, I don't want to see you sad"
Severus held her close "I love you"
"I mean it, I do. Wasn't your fault" she whispered
"I know but it's hard"
"I know, I really do dad"
Severus held her tighter "I could've never asked for a better daughter you know that"
"Honest dad?" A few tears slipped down her face, but she was smiling as she wiped them away
"Honest" Severus nodded "I love you so much"
"Love you more" she tweaked his nose and hugged him really tight
"There are times I wish I could go back and change things but I would never trade having you" She burst into tears, hugging his neck so tight she nearly cut off his air!
"Can't...breathe" Severus choked out glad she was holding him but wishing not that tight
She loosened her grip. "Sorry"
"I don't mind the hugging but I have to breathe too"
She blushed "Sorry--breathing is good"
"Yes but so is hugging" She nodded and let him pull her close
"You are nice and cuddly" Severus smiled
She giggled, "That's what I do best!"
"That and keep your old man in line" Severus winked
"I do?" she giggled
Severus nodded "That's a good thing too"
"How do I do that?" she giggled
"By making me feel all better" Severus told her "by making me not dwell on the bad things"
"Oh---cool!"
"Who knows where either of us would be if your mom hadn't have died" Severus sighed "so good things do come out of bad"
"Oh yeah" she said softly. She cringed.
"What's wrong?"
"I always feel bad when I think a certain thing"
"What thing?"
She sighed and hung her head. "Its really horrible, do you really want me to say?"
"It might help to get it out and then it might go away"
"I'm glad that mom died," she said so softly he could barely hear. "And I mean it"
Severus sighed "I'll let you in on a little secret, so am I"
"Isn't that bad though?" she asked, "To be glad your own mom is dead?"
"In time it might dispute but right now it helps us both to get through the hell she put you through" Severus pointed out "Over time I've come to hate my father less and less and just dislike him for his choices"
She nodded slowly. "It makes me feel really guilty though. No one else I know hates their mom"
"That's because no one you know has been through the stuff that you have" Severus pointed out
"True. So it's not really wrong? And it's not bad?"
"No not at all" Severus told her "I hated my dad for a long while"
"Good. I hate to be bad," she admitted.
"You bad? Never" Severus said with a wink "that's what makes you special to me"
She blushed and cuddled close. "How'd you get to be so good?"
"Truthfully before you came I wasn't good" Severus told her "you've brought about a change for the good in me"
"No no not that. I mean to be a good dad"
"I wasn't' at first remember?"
Tirza giggled "Yeah"
"But you coulda been loads worse"
"True but I'm still definitely learning"
"Yeah?"
"Yes but it's getting easier"
"Well that's good," she said softly. "I hope that I'm not TOO much trouble. Mom always said I caused too much trouble for my own good." she sighed heavily. "I was such a bad little kid..."
She spoke of her early childhood as if it was a decade ago, instead of just under two years ago
"Well your never too much trouble" Severus told her "you are a great kid"
"Promise? Sometimes I feel like I bug the crap outta ya," she admitted
"I won't say that some days we have our differences but those are so few that the others more than make up for them"
"I'm glad that you're glad I was born dad"
"If you hadn't I would have never gotten to experience all this wonderful stuff"
Tirza cuddled close, her eyes growing heavy. "Why do I always get sleepy when we talk about this stuff?" she wondered, rubbing her eyes
"It's a lot of wearing out" Severus told her "but it always does us good"
She nodded. "Can I sleep here?" she asked with a lopsided smile
"Of course" Severus replied, "I love you"
"Love you" she closed her eyes, scrunching part of his robe in one fist, and then fell asleep