A/N: I have every intention of finishing this story, I've just run into a bit of a problem. The real ninth chapter was taking quite a long time to write, and it is a paragraph away from being finished. Unfortunately, as of June 28th, I left my home and had surgery. While my home is being made more handicapped friendly, I am currently confined to a location different than my home without access to a certain file that I need. Thus, this is a filler chapter until the real chapter nine is up. I'm really sorry guys. You must hate me.

Obviously, this will be shorter than most of my chapters.

Pursuing Sanity

By: Max Pilote

Chapter Nine - Of Memory, Hopes, and the Deepest Circle of Hell

It was like comparing two photographs from a past and present. They looked like they could have been exactly the same save for minor details. When we all were students at this school, the three of us would sit by the fire in the Gryffindor common room just the way we were doing now is Remus's office.

Like I said, though, there are differences. My mind was filled with these photographs. In the first one, there were always four chairs instead of three. Each boy in his chair seemed carefree and happy--all except Moony who held his burdens beyond a happy surface. We were wearing the colors of our house with pride, as we always did. After all, we were Gryffindors.

The picture had changed. Those four boys had become men, but only three of them remained in the picture. Neither of us wore the robes we once proudly donned, and our carefree natures were gone. Remus bore his weight more openly, though he kept the reason to it a secret still. Azkaban had taken the light from my soul, so I sat eternally in darkness. Finally James sat in his own misery of uncertainty and fear.

"So, James, how's Lily doing?" I asked. I couldn't keep thinking about those photos.

The mention of her name, however, brought up a new picture in my mind. It hung on the wall above the Potters' fireplace. Before the threat of Voldemort had come to wrap its dark hold around their lives, they had taken one last picture of the entire group together.

Lily looked stunning in her shining white wedding gown, causing her hair to seem even brighter as its color stood in stark contrast to that of her gown. James, despite the fact that it was his wedding day, couldn't be bothered with even attempting to fix his hair. While Remus had no problem with wearing a tuxedo, it was a struggle to get Sirius to wear one.

Not even for your best friend's wedding? Come on, Padfoot! I want you to be my best man, but not if you aren't willing to dress for it.

"She's not talking to me," admitted Prongs sadly. "I've sent her several letters, but she won't answer. Sent me some clothes and my broom, though. Woman might be mad, but she cares."

"I wasn't aware you two were fighting," remarked the werewolf sitting beside him. "Bad row, eh?"

A short laugh escaped from James as if the terms Remus used were an understatement.

"I'd rather not talk about my marriage," he continued.

I frowned as he did, not meaning to have upset him. Thankfully, Moony changed the subject.

"It was an incredibly stupid move to come here," he said. I knew he was going to start on me sooner or later. "They have Dementors all over the place. You're going to get caught if you're not careful--and I know you. You're never careful."

"Always so critical, Remy," I retorted.

A slideshow of pictures of Remus every time he scolded either of us suddenly flashed in my mind and I couldn't help but smile.

Why were we so wild back then? How could we change so much?

Time went on while we did nothing but talk about old times or things we missed.

I couldn't believe I missed so much. It's different to hear things in a letter and then hear the story from an actual person. As we got further into the conversation I realized how stupid I was back then. Due to my insatiable thirst for revenge against Peter I wasn't there for a lot of things.

He's not my son, but he's my godson. It finally struck me how any things I wasn't there for.

I wanted to see them. I wanted so badly to turn back the clock and be able to share those memories as vividly as his own parents did.

I wanted to have those memories to cherish because I knew that he wasn't going to stay young forever. He wasn't going to be a little boy forever.

I just hoped that he wouldn't grow up so fast.

It wasn't just for his sake, though. It was for the rest of us as well. After all, it was the children in our life that kept us young?

What were we going to do if all those children suddenly grew up?

Three young boys smiled as they sat around the fire in the common room, each of them staring into the dancing flames that radiated warmth into an otherwise cold room. Each of them seemed as though they had nothing to really worry about at that moment. The silence between them was a comfortable one, not an awkward one. It was the kind of silence that spoke volumes--the silence that held an entire conversation within its confines.

Finally, words broke into the silence, spoken by a young boy with caramel colored hair and amber eyes. He frowned slightly as his gaze moved from the fire to glance around the room.

"Peter's been flaky lately," he replied with a frown. It felt like something that had to be said aloud.

One of the other young boys, his unkempt hair jet black and his eyes a gentle shade of hazel, offered a reply to the remark.

"Maybe he's studying for NEWTs," he suggested. He sighed and removed his glasses, laying them in his lap.

"He has been acting strange, though," protested another black-haired boy, his bluish-gray eyes moving to his friends. "Wormtail's been a little jumpier than lately. Maybe something is bothering him."

"It's just the test," replied the bespectacled boy.


The three nodded solemnly. In the growing darkness of recent times, each one had their own silent doubts and speculations. Each of them hoped, however, that it was just the test. They all hoped that it was only the test making all of them so nervous.

I looked over at Sirius to see him close his eyes and shake his head as if he were trying to remove some painful memory.

It was hard to convince him, even after twelve years, that all those events on Halloween night hadn't been his fault. I can't convince him and James certainly can't convince him. The only thing that has helped him cope with it is the knowledge that his friend doesn't blame him for anything. Prongs doesn't believe that it was Sirius's fault, even if Sirius can't believe that for himself.

Everything had happened the way it did for a reason.

Everything happens for a reason. At least, I hope things work that way.

That's just a delusion, right? It's like believing that good things happen only to good people, and that bad people will always get what they deserve in the end.

Peter was a bad person! Peter was a traitor, and he still hasn't gotten what he deserved.

But this isn't the end, is it?

Hopefully, for all of our sakes, this is the end.

Revenge was a top priority on the list of things to do for the Death Eaters. While they searched for the man that had taken their master away from them, the Ministry stepped up its own efforts to put them behind bars. With their leader gone, they were disorganized and confused. The task was proving to be quite an easy one.

It was a task that James Potter wished desperately that he could participate in. The extent of his injuries suffered on Halloween, coupled with the dangers the Death Eaters posed to him in his weakened state, prevented him from even leaving his home.

Lily Potter saw the toll this was taking on her husband, but there was nothing she could do to ease his pain.

Her green eyes followed him as he limped across the house, using a cane to support him where his leg failed. When the wizard sat down, his son immediately climbed into his lap and hugged him.

Harry understood. He knew how close he had come to losing his father. Even as young as he was, it scared him.

It had scared all of them.

The red-haired witch crossed the room and sat beside her husband, who was holding onto his son dearly.

"It haunts me," he whispered. "It worries me that I came so close to losing you two."

"But you didn't lose us," whispered Lily, leaning her head on his shoulder. "We're both here and we will always be here with you."

He smiled slightly, then frowned again. "Something else worries me."

"What is it?"

"I feel like there's a darkness inside of me, a growing hatred. I want so much to kill Peter. I want him to pay for what he did to us--for his betrayal," explained James. "But I can't kill him. I can't become the very thing that I hate! I can't become a senseless murderer like one of those forsaken Death Eaters.

"Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me evil?"

Lily shook her head and kissed his temple.

"No, James," she whispered soothingly. "It doesn't make you a horrible person. It makes you human."

I want my sanity back. I want security and justice. I want to see Pettigrew in the depths of hell, burning as he pays for the sins he's committed against my family.

If I have to die to do this, so be it. He's betrayed me when I trusted him with not only my life, but the life of my infant son and my beloved wife.

Traitors cannot be forgiven. Their sins cannot be washed away.

A/N: There is one review that I had wanted to talk about, but my speech will have to wait until my next chapter. Congrats, asshole, you're saved for now.

TO BE CONTINUED! I promise there will be more in the next chapter! Alot more!