Yes, I know…I have a lot of fics out there…but as to why I've not been updating them lately (to save me ranting), just read my bio. I wrote this to cheer me up.
It's my first Harry Potter fic (so plz, don't be too harsh) AND it's my first one-shot.
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is the sole owner of the Harry Potter series. (See? I am totally not bitter) Unfortunately. (Dammit.) But seriously, she is an awesome writer.
Um, I don't know if this plotline is done a lot so forgive me if it is (once again, I'm a newbie in the Harry Potter fandom)
It would make my day if you laughed just once while reading. Please.
From the corporations that brought you SaveTheHungarianHorntail and NoReally,We'reSerious, we have finally deduced from careful trial and error (which oddly resulted in tester employees bringing twigs to the office, totally sure they were these silly 'wands'…weirdos) that reading the Harry Potter series can result in a horribly contagious disease known as (dramatic pause)…Harry Potter Syndrome.
Doesn't that sound cool? Er, I mean, deadly.
Anyways, in order to prevent this epidemic from spreading even further (Honestly, do you want to be carrying a twig to work?), one must first be able to identify that you have the disease. Thankfully, I, against the wishes of MagicDoesNotExistSoThere Inc., have kindly, out of the goodness of my heart (cough)andmy$1,000paycheck(cough), made a list of the symptoms:
1. The obvious symptom: You do nothing except read the book, DUH.
Bathroom, food, pfff...it can wait until you find out who dies. Constipation might be a nasty side-effect but at least then you have an excuse to say 'U-No-Poo!' Tee hee.
2. Any separation from The Book (yeah, capitalization of HBP is another side-effect) for more than 60 seconds results in the feeling that you are missing something direly important in your life.
You might curl into a fetal position, cry shamelessly, and hyperventilate due to the black hole of Harry-Potter-less horror you feel. This is totally normal.
3. You use it as an excuse liberally.
Ex: "Why haven't you cleaned your room?" "Harry Potter." "Aren't you hungry?" Harry Potter."
It might shorten your vocabulary to two words, but it's extremely effective. ("Move, you big lump!" "HARRY POTTER!")
Errr…don't quote me.
4. You look suspiciously at everyone whilst you read, lest they give away who dies.
This could result in screaming "DO NOT GIVE AWAY THE ENDING, DUMB-ASS!" to your brother who was merely asking for you to pass the salt. Don't worry, use symptom 3 to get out of certain disownment from the family, and having your mouth washed out by a nasty bar of soap.
(9 times out of 10 this won't work, and I am blatantly instilling false hope…
Don't worry though! Just hope really, really hard that Dumbledore forgot that he was supposed to send the letter of acceptance to Hogwarts, but will be sending one any minute now…)
5. You subtly include Harry Potter words into your every-day vocabulary! (once you've gotten over the whole two-word thing…)
Ex. A "Mom, don't be a Muggle! I'll clean my room as soon as I get my wand; it'll be loads easier! " Said mother may guffaw at you whilst she locks you in. Screaming for child services on forms of 'cruel and unusual punishment' won't work. I've tried.
Ex. B "That hair looks so over-gelled and oily, it'd give Snape a run for his money. Ha ha ha,"
"Huh?" The intellectual deepness of this profound statement of witty sarcasm may escape your poor friends who have yet to read or see the movie. (When they start claiming they're wailing at the corniness of your joke they're really wailing at the abject Harry-Potter-less void in their life. Pity those poor souls.)
(Friends might become so concerned that they take you to a nice white room with padded walls…Don't worry, you get cookies! And a free jacket!)
Ex. C "U-No-POO!"
Trust me, your English teacher will be proud.
(However, don't expect the SAT's to accept your new cosmopolitan vocabulary...Close-minded buggers.)
6. You hear anyone say 'Voldemort' (gasp) and you immediately faint, have a seizure, or develop an ulcer…or at least pretend to.
Believe me, this is a good move. You get cookies in the hospital!
7. Your household appliances start missing as you are sure that that broom is a Firebolt in disguise and that tub of butter lying oh-so-innocently on the counter- obviously a Portkey.
This may result in jumping off your roof to test your theory, and breaking several of your limbs. Don't worry, although a Healer may be nowhere to be found, you'll get a hundred bucks for winning America's Funniest Home Videos in an award-winning flight called 'the Muggle-Who-Tried.'
As for that tub of butter…really, don't ask. (Just as a note, NEVER think that if you eat said appliance…it'll activate the Portkey…Ugh, too much cholesterol…)
8. You refuse to wear anything but robes, wizard hats, etc.! And you throw out all other forms of clothing...espescially your other family members'.
As you find that your family may not be so willing to this sudden change, especially the male half ("Sweetie...I think you reading HP is cool, BUT THIS IS A DRESS!"), but they'll thank you once you get accepted into Hogwarts, right? Anytime now, Dumbledore…
9. Anyone that fits the description of a character from Harry Potter, you immediately start calling them that.
This might lead to some befuddlement as to why your Science teacher glares icily at you whenever you call her Dumbledore for her ingenuity in physics.
This might be because she's a woman.
(DO NOT mention that she has the beard unless you want to repeat the semester!)
10. And the last one, for all you at home sobbing hysterically to your Daniel-Radcliffe-covered-ceiling, 'I THINK I HAVE IT!'...You read and/or write Harry Potter fanfiction.
So that means we're all guilty of it…but we're damn proud of it!
If you have at least one of the above symptoms (and that means you ALL have it)…you are probably wondering fretfully what's the cure? Will bringing a 'twig' (it's a WAND, I swear!) to work deter my promotion? WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE?
Ah, this is simple. (Not to the second and third question…you're on your own there.)
There is none. Tee hee.
However, I…as a figure of power (CEO of SavetheHungarianHorntail and NoReally,We'reSerious), will exert some self-control! I do not succumb!
…
Bloody hell, that gets boring after a while though…
…
2.5 seconds later
"I found me a twig- er wand! YES!"
Go on and read HP 'til your eyeballs scream for mercy…as will we all. With pleasure.
Maybe I exaggerated the symptoms just a tad…(lol.) Don't worry, I think I have at least two -okay three- of 'em. XD
Judging by this one-shot, should I continue in the Harry Potter fandom?
Plz review- it can be a word to five paragraphs- just do it! (puppy-dog eyes) PLZ.
-Starlet36