Tifa's Bogus Journey
Chapter Three: Vhat A Gratuitous Violent Revenge!
Hey cats and kids, thanks to all of you who have reviewed. And don't worry. Tifa does dole out an ass kicking in this chapter, and the annoyance of 'Jim-Jam' and 'Greg' is cut down by eighty percent.
So, here's chapter three. They get the show on the road here. Hurrah! We know Greg and Jim-Jam are mine, and nothing else save for this "stellar, original, and epic" plot. And you know what, I'll probably start getting author note clichés in here too. Ooh, scary.
Remember, its all in good fun. No insults are intended.
..........
".....Okay, so then, there I vas, cornered by eighty villainous volves, and they vere all snarling, and snapping their teeth at me, and-"
"Volves?" Tifa asked skeptically, eyebrows up as she lifted the chopsticks to her mouth. 'Jim-Jam' was prattling on and on about all the cool stuff she had done in the past, and it was getting pretty annoying to say the least. The "every word that was supposed to start with a w now starts with a v" accent made things hard enough to follow as it was, but it was the most obnoxious thing since that wave of people that made Barret sound just like Mr. T.
"Yes. Volves. More than one volf." 'Jim-Jam' replied helpfully, giving a long-suffering sigh, as Tifa had been constantly interrupting her, confused by her 'speech impediment disguised as an accent'. "You know, like dogs that live in the vild?"
Tifa blinked up at the blank expanse of the ceiling, thinking to herself for a moment, before nodding finally, the meaning finally clicking.
"Oh. Wolves. Gotcha. Why were you fighting wolves anyway?"
"Vell, I vas orphaned at a young age, after my parents vere killed. So I vas forced to live in the woods around the Icicle Gate area. So, the volves found me one day. Personally, I thought I vas gone for, but they took me in, and I lived vith them for years, learning to survive in the vild." She explained, adding even more to her annoying back story, who nobody really cares about.
For the eightieth time since they had gone into the Chinese restaurant, or rather, Wutaian restaurant, as Wutai is like the China of the Final Fantasy 7 realm, Tifa contemplated reaching across the table and jamming the chopsticks into her eyes.
But then again, 'Greg' had paid for the food, and she did need to eat, as they never really had to in the duration of a plot line. Sure they could to keep up that sense of normalcy. But it wasn't required. Drinking hard liquor on the other hand, was. Especially in the long, drawn-out plots. They always needed alcohol, to take the strain off of them after one of those bone-jarringly horrific battles. That, and Tifa owned a freakin' bar. So why not?
And she didn't want to be rude after 'Greg''s hospitality, and besides, he was being rather nice after all, merely sitting next to 'Jim- Jam', staring into his food, seeming very complacent with the turn of events, and thoroughly enjoying the shoes and clothes that Tifa had begrudgingly lent them. He was sitting pretty in a pair of jeans and an AFI hoodie (pointless pop-culture reference! Score!). And shoes. Shoes that god himself would have loved.
And he would know. Because in the past, he had fought God. And won. Because he was that unstoppable. And everyone just had to keep being reminded of that fact. At least five times per chapter.
".....I see. So, how did you keep from starving or freezing to death?" Tifa asked pointedly, waving her chopsticks towards her, a chunk of some sort of meat trapped between them. The man at the counter, who had looked at her face as opposed to her now proportionate chest, had told them they had been ordering Beef Chop Suey, but really, who knew what it actually was?
'Jim-Jam' sighed easily, nodding as if it were common knowledge.
"Vell, ve stuck around near towns, slaughtering livestock, catching rabbits and cats, eating vhatever ve caught. The cat vas delicious. It really tastes kind of like vhat ve're eating right now-"
She didn't a chance to finish, as Tifa's chopsticks found their way into her neon pink cat-eyes, the martial artist too fed up with her and that speech-impediment thing to put up with it anymore. New door or not, she wasn't going to put up with it. She had gone easy on them last chapter. The people wanted to see some revenge.
Gratuitous, violent revenge.
Even as 'Jim-Jam' clutched up to reach for the chopsticks skewering her vibrantly-colored eyes, Tifa already had her by the hair, hauling her across the table, throwing her through an adjacent table, where a little old accountant was sitting, reading the newspaper (that type of guy always has to be around at least once when a fight breaks out).
Not even giving her time to recover, Tifa seized her by the hair again, dragging her up into a slouched position, Tifa's grip the only thing keeping her up. Once she caught her balance slightly, Tifa let her hair go, and then brought her leg up, booting her right in the mouth, and not worrying about anyone seeing her underwear, as she had changed into that pair of pants that were necessary for this adventure.
'Jim-Jam' staggered back into the service counter, grasping at her shattered jaw with one hand, swinging around blindly for Tifa with the other. The chopsticks jutted out from her face, disturbing and outlandish looking, But it just had to be done. A cliché, one-sided ass kicking.
Easily avoiding her wild swing, she grabbed 'Jim-Jam' by the front of her borrowed shirt again, hefting her up bodily and spinning, throwing her towards the panes of glass making up the front wall of the establishment, allowing herself a cocky grin as she watched 'Jim-Jam' crash through the glass with a resounding crunch as the pane shattered, spraying crystalline shards over her body as she hit the ground.
'Jim-Jam' lay still, save for an occasional twitch now and then, and the clenching of her eyelids, as if she were trying to blink, though blocked by the chopsticks.
Tifa dusted her hands together in a triumphant manner, then simply turned, skipping across the blood speckled white tile floor back to her table, where 'Greg' was sitting, staring at her, pale with shock. Had they still been in the continuity of the plot line, she would not have been able to do that. And the fight scene would have been a lot more drawn out.
And nobody would have taken chopsticks to the eyes.
Ick.
Tifa sat down easily, picking up 'Jim-Jam''s chopsticks and righting the carton of Beef Chop Suey from where it had been knocked over from 'Jim- Jam' getting hauled across the table, and picked out another piece of meat, bringing it to her mouth, returning to the meal like nothing had ever happened.
"Hey, thanks for lunch by the way." She said nonchalantly, giving him a small smile. He merely returned it; weakly, keeping his gaze off of her, eyes darting out towards the sidewalk on the other side of the window he was sitting next to, seeing 'Jim-Jam' still passed out on the pavement.
His eyes darted left and right quickly, before finally lighting on Tifa, and he forced a small smile, hoping it looked more convincing than he thought it did.
"Oh, no problem. Anything for you letting us off the hook so, uh," a quick, wary glance toward 'Jim-Jam' again, "Gently. Really, you're too kind."
Tifa gave a flattered smile, fluttering her eyelashes, before her attention went to their meal, and she tipped the carton towards herself, shaking the contents a little, glancing at them dubiously.
"She said this tasted kind of like cat....." She trailed off, stopping mid-chew, and swallowing the mouthful of food thickly, looking as if she had just attempted to swallow a brick.
"What? What's wrong?" 'Greg' asked worriedly, leaning forward out of his seat to look into the carton, seeing Tifa pull out what looked to be a piece of an animal's ear, which had a few silver hoops pierced through it, the color draining from her skin.
"Oh! Ew!" She cried, blanching away from it, the thing hanging limply from her chopsticks, silver rings glinting in the light.
"Oh, there's my ear!" Someone, sounding exceedingly relieved exclaimed, and Tifa and 'Greg' looked towards the voice, seeing none other than Nanaki sitting there, red-stained gauze wrapped over the little remaining nub of his right ear, along with an eye patch over his right eye.
Disturbed, Tifa worldlessly unwrapped the bandage over his ear slightly, setting the ear back into place, wrapping the gauze around it, slowly pulling her hands away, jerking to catch the severed pierce as it tilted off center of its little perch, bent and cock-eyed.
"What happened to your, ah, eye there?" She asked uncertainly, causing him to shrug.
"Eh. Plot had me with two for a while there. So I could afford to lose this one. Now I'm back down to what I'm supposed to have. See, I came in here to pick up some Moo Goo Gai Pan, and well, the cook got a hold of me and....." He trailed off, Tifa having already seen what had happened to him, not needing further explanation of it.
"You might want to get that sewn back on." 'Greg' put in helpfully, seeing the ear tilting a little more off center.
"Yeah, yeah, I probably should get to a hospital or something. See you around Tifa. We've got some really, really ill-conceived plot lines coming up soon." He sighed before turning, trotting away with the carton of Moo Goo Gai Pan hanging from his mouth.
Staring after him, Tifa and 'Greg' dropped their chopsticks, looking sickened and appalled, seeing a few more gauze covered area's on Nanaki's body.
"Let's go." Tifa ordered, her voice an octave too high, the horror of the situation creeping over her.
"But what about our fortune cookies?" Greg protested, pouting. He was grossed out too, but what about the fortune cookies? They couldn't just leave without them.
"Just toss them in your burlap sack and let's go!" She spat, unable to keep the edge of hysteria out of her voice. Getting their things together as quickly as possible, they all but ran from the little restaurant, wanting to get away from that little cardboard carton of Hell as soon as they could.
Out on the street, they glanced at each other, both soundly uncomfortable with the knowledge that they had unwittingly partially cannibalized one of Tifa's teammates. Well, not really cannibalized him, per se, because he wasn't human. Unless things suddenly became badly clichéd.
Shuddering, Tifa glanced over at Greg, seeing him gnawing at his lower lip uncomfortably, teeth raking low enough to graze over the top edge of his soul patch, as if he was worried that there could be some remnant of that horrid meal left on his mouth.
"Let's get out of here and," A quick swallow, trying to get the taste out of her mouth "Get to work huh?"
"Okay, where do you want to go first?" He offered, extending his arm, crooked at the elbow, offering her to take hold of it.
Because, after all, they'd have to do an awful lot of 'hopping' quickly going from place to place as situations demanded. Luckily, through 'Greg''s latent, bad-ass powers, he could 'hop' them instantaneously from one location to another in the time it took to make a little page break (the little doo-dads separating one scene from another).
Tifa threaded her arm around his, sighing tiredly. Now the real challenge would start.
"Ah, geez. I don't know..... Vincent angst/romance?" She suggested, wanting to start off with a relatively easy one. She knew the pattern, and she already had some plans to steer clear of it.
"We're there." 'Greg' nodded back, tightening his grip on her, and snapping his fingers, 'hopping' them there on the double.
And poor, poor 'Jim-Jam' was still laying on the pavement, out cold and bleeding from the eyes and face.
Oh well. At least they wouldn't have to put up with her obnoxious accent anymore. Her jaw was broken after all.
END THREE
Chopsticks in the eyes! Oh ye Gods! Hate to say it, but over the top crap like that does happen. Sad, but stuff like that is out there. But I don't think it was ever chopsticks to the eyes. Yet.
Poor 'Jim-Jam'. Not that anyone really cares. There's the what-for that Tifa didn't dole out on them in chapter two. We all knew it was coming sooner or later. And as random as it seemed, there is a reason for that whole 'Nanaki and the Chinese Restaurant' thing, other than getting them out of there. But just wait and see.
And please review to let me know what you think. Reviews are exactly what booted 'Jim-Jam' from the group. Though, 'Greg' will be sticking around, not doing much, except for busting Tifa out of a few tight spots and looking for new uses for his burlap sack. Sorry if you hate him.