Many thanks to: fmafan-92, Dark Alchemist15, Feral Alchemist, Terris, and Psiren-Elric for reviewing! You have no idea how much it makes me squeal to see that people care:)

CHAPTER 5

For the next few months Roy Mustang's subordinates observed their commander getting more and more… twitchy. Distracted. They were worried that Mustang might become a fire hazard.

But then something happened, something so unexpected that no one had ever conceived of it actually happening. They were worried. Something was wrong.

The Colonel was smirking.

The Colonel was smug.

And Hawkeye looked faintly embarrassed.

Ed, Al, and Havoc cornered her outside the women's bathrooms. Well, actually, Ed and Havoc did the cornering, Al was just following his brother.

"Okay, spill it, what's up with Mustang?" Ed asked bluntly.

"Yeah, did he have an especially good cup of coffee this morning or something?" joined in Havoc. Then he muttered under his breath, "Gah, what kind of man gets his jollies off of COFFEE?"

Al's eyes widened, and anyone watching would swear he was blushing at that comment, armor or no. Strangely, Hawkeye was also looked like she was blushing faintly. "Brother," Al asked in a weary tone, "what are you doing to the Colonel?"

"Basically, we're depriving him of sex," Ed said, never one for subtlety.

Al choked, staring at his brother. "Why are you staring at me like that?" asked Ed irritably. Then his eyes widened too. "OH HELL NO! I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO SOUND LIKE THAT!"

Off on the sidelines, Hawkeye was getting more and more embarrassed. Havoc finally called her on it. "Okay, what's going on with you?"

After a pause, Hawkeye drew herself up like she was facing the firing squad. "Gentlemen, I am afraid I have compromised our mission. I… had a moment of weakness…"

They gaped. Ed finally groaned. "Please, please tell me that you meant something else by that comment…"

Hawkeye's expression turned frosty. "I am NOT spelling it out for you." And with that, she turned around smartly and entered the women's bathroom.

Havoc and Ed turned towards each other, identical expressions of horror on their faces.

"Our revenge has been foiled!" wailed Havoc melodramatically.

"We thought, surely, of all women, Hawkeye would be able to resist…" Ed moaned. "Where did our plan go so wrong?"

"Um… I'm confused. What did Hawkeye do?" butted in Al.

"Al, where have you BEEN for the last few months?" asked Havoc curiously.

Al huffed. "Cleaning Ed's room."

A pause. "It took you that long?"

"Hey!" snapped Ed.

"Stop trying to change the subject!" demanded Al. "I want to know what's going on!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Frankly, Hawkeye gave in and had sex with Mustang last night."

Another long pause. "Firstly, don't tell me what you're doing anymore. I didn't need that mental image. Secondly, they're married, so it's none of our business what they're doing at home!"

However, it wasn't until a pale and shocked Hawkeye broke the news a couple weeks later that the plotting subordinates realized that their plan had backfired. Backfired so spectacularly that there was no real term for it.

The single word that Havoc said summed up everything that they were thinking.

"SHIT."

In other words, Hawkeye was pregnant.

AN: So now you know how Ed will be tortured for the rest of his life. BWAHAHAHA!