Don't mind the huge wait between chapters. I've been busy.
So, here's the rest of the Yuffentine cliché. Shenanigans abound. And, also, if you don't understand the German, it's a-okay. It won't really detract form the story or anything, and won't pop up so often. Oh, and just for reference, Sabado Domingo is a Spanish language television show.
And also, the Highschool cliché is coming up in about... two more rounds of clichés (there's a reason as to why, but, y'know the basic plot between the 'jaunts' is extremely loose at best).
So, enjoy. I haven't really put a disclaimer in the past few chapters, but the basic idea is there. Don't own Bill & Ted references, FF7, or much else.
(Totally the start of the chapter)
There were very few things that Tifa ever considered a matter of life-or-death. In fact, she could basically count them all on one hand. This time definitely counted as a situation that could be ticked off on her index finger when she was busy being all bad-ass and vaguely preachy, talking about all the times she had risked her neck for ideals that were far greater than herself.
That whole AVALANCHE gig wasn't shit though. No matter what happened, she was only a dramatic plot twist or a Phoenix Down away from getting back into the action.
And Heck, all she had needed to do was follow the script.
But this; this was madness. And sure, though she might not be in any immediate, physical danger, if Vincent and Yuffie got to making out, she would certainly die a little on the inside, and then carelessly slay a number of brain and liver cells by drinking until the image was flushed from her mind.
As she and Aerith ran to intervene, she hoped it wouldn't come to that. Luckily for the two of them, though, the two aspiring lovebirds were caught up in that sort of 'highly anticipatory, slow motion effect' which somehow managed to manifest in all of those overly sappy romanciful bits.
Romanciful isn't even a real word. Just goes to show you how bad things have gotten.
Tifa and Aerith were unaffected by the localized time warp, and, if anything, this worked to their advantage, giving them about an extra... five minutes to intervene on the lip-locking.
But they were still running as fast as they could despite the generous leeway, because, come on, can former video game protagonists ever settle something in a way that doesn't require massive preening, trash-talking or over-the-top ass kicking?
So when she vaulted over the table, booting Vincent directly in the side of the head in extra-super-slow-motion, she knew she was making the right decision.
As the gunslinger went down, sprawled in a heap with a possible concussion, time sped back up to normal, and Tifa landed roughly in the seat that Vincent had been occupying only seconds before, getting a sloppy, inexperienced smooch right on the cheek.
With an equally sloppy serving of tongue.
Ah well, those were the breaks of such a thankless task as the one she had undertaken.
"Wie geht es dir!" She asked cheerfully, pulling away from Yuffie and wiping the bucket's worth of saliva from her cheek.
The young, love-struck ninja blinked in surprise at the question, wondering why somebody was interrupting her oh-so-special moment with Vincent to ask how it was going.
And then she wondered why the question was in German.
And then she wondered why she was able to understand it, since, y'know, German didn't really exist as a language in their pixel-licious, polygon-based world.
And then, she got back to wondering about what had happened to Vincent, and glanced up.
"Oh. My. Gawd!" Yuffie squealed in dismay, pulling back and seeing she had just laid one on Tifa. "Like, ew! I just totally, like, kissed you!"
Outdated teeny-bopper language, Ahoy!
Tifa shrugged, glancing past her to where Aerith had Vincent under the arms, and was dragging him away as quickly as possible.
"Ah, das ist okay." She shrugged, patting her younger teammate condescendingly on the head.
Tifa, really, tone it down. You've made your point. You're far more culturally savvy than the rest of us, and we can never even hope to be considered your equals.
Sheesh.
Give us an effin' break here.
"So, uh, what happened to Vincent? He and I were, like, totally connecting, yanno?" Yuffie tried after a second of staring blankly at the other woman.
Tifa shrugged, wincing a little as Aerith struggled to drag the gunslinger from the area and stash his definitely-unconscious-though-possibly-dead body somewhere where Yuffie wouldn't find him right away and try to wake him up with a kiss or something sappy like that.
"Hell if I know. Maybe he flipped out and ran off like the little nancy-boy he is. You know he's not exactly suave around the ladies. Guess he figured it would be a good time to brood and reflect on Lucrecia before taking that next step and forgetting all about her to go bang a skeletal minor."
"Wait, what?" Yuffie asked, her eyes narrowed at her words. It sounded almost like Tifa was... mocking them... or...
"Or maybe he went to the can. Hell, I don't know! I'm not the one trying to roll in the hay with him here! I know for a fact that Aerith and I didn't just knock him out and drag him away to keep this plot from unfolding." Tifa snapped, somewhat huffy over the attitude Yuffie was giving her, and the fact she couldn't really come up with a good, plausible lie for Vincent's sudden departure.
Jeez, you'd think with all of those "lying, vindictive Tifa" stories out there, she'd be better at making things up.
But then again, dropping that very obvious hint about what they actually did do would work just as well. Yuffie wouldn't think back to this conversation for a few more chapters, and by then, Tifa was confident that she and Aerith would be long done with this one.
"Are you sure he-"
"Hey, do you want to go ride all the rollercoasters? Twice?" Tifa butted in, changing the subject in a vaguely bi-polar fashion, positive that her masterful eavesdropping skills would pull her through yet again.
Yuffie immediately brightened in a similarly bi-polar fashion and leapt to her feet, hopping up and down; giddy with excitement. All thoughts of any sort of romantic entanglement fled from her mind, immediately replaced with cheerful thoughts at riding all the rollercoasters in the park. Twice.
"Oh, man, that would be so cool!" She squealed, grabbing Tifa by the wrist, and pulling so hard that it nearly took the older woman's arm right out of its socket. "Let's get on the kiddie coasters first, because I'm still short enough to ride them!" She urged excitedly, dragging her along with a sudden, ludicrous burst of strength.
Tifa went along after her, just hoping that Aerith was holding up fine on her end.
(Totally a scene shift)
Luckily for Tifa, her current comrade in arms was certainly doing just that. And since we've got the power of omniscient narration, we can totally see what's going on with her, though the other characters aren't privy to the goings-on, so there's really no point to this scene shift, because Aerith will have to re-cap everything to Tifa anyway/.
I don't know why we even bother sometimes.
Regardless, Aerith, despite the long and arduous task of dragging away Vincent's unconscious and possibly dead body, had succeeded in that sense, and was shoving him in a Chocobo costume behind the stage in the Event Square.
Sure, she knew that once he woke up... if he woke up at all, that is, finding himself in a Chocobo costume wouldn't really keep him from getting up and going to find Yuffie. But she figured that the shock of waking up and finding himself in such a ludicrous and un-angsty predicament would totally ruin his mood, and then he wouldn't be in the mood for any statutory shenanigans for a good long while.
She only wished she could be so cunning and conniving all the time. Well, except for when it was one of those 'scheming, vindictive Aerith' stories. Man, those ones were a blast.
As she finished affixing the Chocobo headpiece on the costume, she stood off, brushed herself off and checked her watch, figuring that she had plenty of time to go ride the merry-go-round.
Of course, nobody really rode the merry-go-round.
Except Aerith, of course, because she's so fun and cutesy, and adorable, and we love her, we love her, we love her!
And if you disagree I'll break your eye sockets.
Y'know, because nobody can disagree with my all-important opinion on a fictional character. Aerith is so totally the coolest character there ever was, and ever will be. And if you don't regard my opinion with the utmost respect, I'll heckle you and make idle threats with bad grammar.
Murderous tangents aside, yeah, Aerith totally went to go ride the merry-go-round. And maybe get some Cotton Candy. Pink of course, because its so sweet, and that's totally the perfect confectionary snack for Aerith, because she's sooooo sweet.
And if you disagree I swear I'll go through the trouble of finding out where you live, go there, and hurl a Molotov Cocktail through your window.
Dude, I'll totally do it, too, because I'm a fanfic writer, so I obviously have nothing better to do with my life.
No, no. I'm kidding. Time for another scene change. And since nothing of importance to the plot is going on, we'll just skip ahead a few hours. So, we can all assume that many a roller coaster has been ridden, and that Aerith went about with her cute, lovable shenanigans, and that Vincent remained painfully unconscious on the floor, shoved into a Chocobo costume.
(And away we go.)
"So, this went off without much of a hitch, y'know? I'm actually pretty pleased. Usually things get all crazy. I mean, you were there, and pretty obnoxious I'll add, for that Christmas story, so you know what I'm talking about. This is probably the best I've done. You make a great sidekick, y'know. You wanna team up next time we're in a story together?" Tifa prattled on, cracking open another Pistachio, and tossing the shell aside onto the mounting pile of green.
Aerith looked up from her fourteenth Cotton Candy, here eyes wider than normal in pleasant surprise.
"Really? You mean that? I'd be able to kick as much ass as I want to, right?"
"Oh, totally." Tifa nodded, cracking the shell off another nut as she spoke, chewing between sentences. "Next time there's one of those 'love triangle-y' ones, or even 'love quadrangle-y' ones, we'll be in business."
"Alright, cool. I'm up for it."
The two women were sitting in the back row of the Event Square, having ditched all of the others to take in a night of woefully pathetic theater. And, as per usual, since they had come in as a couple, they had been asked to participate in the play itself, because, y'know, these guys never go to the Event Square unless they're looking to gain some romantic entanglement through their poor thespian skills.
So far, they had succeeded in keeping Yuffie and Vincent apart. Tifa had done her part by riding all the rollercoasters, twice, with Yuffie, and then playing Skee Ball and winning thousands of tickets, in order to keep the Ninja occupied with picking out prizes.
Aerith had really just headed off to Illegal Gambling Square, and lost a bunch of money on Cock Fights. But then she won it all back on Dog Fights. Oh, yeah, and she also went on the merry-go-round and all that shit.
"So, anyway, though I'm pretty sure I should be privy to this already, what exactly did you do with Vincent?" Tifa asked, casting her conspirator a sidelong glance.
Aerith rolled her eyes, but indicated towards the stage anyway.
"I shoved him in a Chocobo costume behind the stage. I think you might have killed him, but either way, I think we did a... Crap."
Before Tifa had a chance to ask what had caused the sudden change in the Ancient's demeanor, she looked up at the stage, seeing someone in a Chocobo costume stagger out onto the stage, before falling over, completely ruining the scene in progress.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as a gold claw suddenly burst out through the bird's stomach, stuffing and fiber spraying up from the incision. The stuffed bird rolled and kicked in its death throes as Vincent tore his way out of it, quite possibly too brain damaged to find the zipper that would let him out the easy way.
The gunman stood up from within the belly of the now ruined costume, touching gingerly at the suspiciously boot-shaped welt on the side of his head, blood red eyes narrowing slightly.
He turned and fell to his knees, going into the throes of another trumped up angst session.
"Oh my God! I am so sad and lonely and miserable!" He shouted up to the heavens, as everyone sat, transfixed, while in the back, Aerith was gripping onto Tifa hard enough to cut off her circulation, while Tifa just kept on eating her Pistachios, waiting to see how this would play out. "I don't believe that anybody can blowtorch their way into me heart now!"
There wouldn't be too much of a problem unless-
"Vinnie! Like, oh my Gawd! Tifa said she thought you had gone to the can, or something!" A shrill voice from the left side of the theater called, and Tifa and Aerith's heads snapped around towards the voice, seeing Yuffie bounding exuberantly up the aisle, arms outstretched, and that cheesy bright aura surrounding her again. "I'll cheer you up snuggums!"
"Christ with a Crunch bar." Aerith muttered, shaking her head, looking towards Tifa. "Well, we're fucked. You want to go back to Illegal Gambling Square and try to drown our sorrows?"
Tifa looked at Aerith for a long moment, weighing her options, as they had gone into that weird localized time-warp thing again, and Yuffie was running and flouncing in super-duper-slow-motion.
Hell, at this rate, she probably had time to sleep on it and come to a conclusion in the morning. And hey, maybe the answer would come to her in a dream, and then all their problems would be wrapped up in a neat little package.
"We're not done-for just yet." Tifa nodded, grabbing her Cowboy hat and pulling it down on her head as she got up, Aerith still clinging to her arm like a frightened child.
"What's the plan?" The Ancient asked, glancing up at her, as Tifa pulled out her six-shooter with a grandiose flourish.
"Follow me, and make sure you get very, very indignant. Think you can do that?"
"Oh man, can I!" Aerith nodded, jumping to her feet as well, starting up the center aisle behind Tifa, who was quite possibly the saddest looking fake-Cowboy ever. But hey, if Tifa could work it, who was she to complain?
Yuffie was still moving in super-duper-slow-motion, and a corny, romantic saxophone solo had started up out of fucking nowhere, signaling that, yes, it was love, at last.
I mean, who are we to argue with the 'saxophone solo out of fucking nowhere'?
But as the two would-be lovers came together, embracing, much to the delight of the overly sappy crowd, Tifa jumped up on the first row bench, brandishing her six shooter, and firing into the air, cutting off that saxophone solo, and causing everyone to look up at her in shock.
"Hold it! Celibacy Sheriff!" She shouted, plucking at her shirt to show the 'Sexy Sheriff' badge that Billy the Kid had given her, making sure to cover up the 'Sexy' part of it. "Vincent, Yuffie, you two had best cease and desist with any and all shenanigans, and back away from each other with absolutely no sultry eye contact!"
It was silent for a long, long minute, until a few people in the crowd started booing.
"Oh, come on, can't you see they're in love!" One of them shouted back at her, throwing a half-full box of Junior Mints at her, which she ducked out of the way from.
"In love! How do you figure that?" Tifa shouted back indignantly, as she hopped up onto the stage, ignoring the protesters, and shouldering her way between Vincent and Yuffie, aiming her six-shooter at the ninja, even though it was an empty threat. Really, even if she did shoot her, it would take off, like what? Twelve hit points? It wasn't even worth it.
"Oh come on, they're meant to be together!" Someone else from the audience cut in, causing Tifa to grit her teeth, growling in frustration.
"How do you figure that!" She tried again, wanting some kind of worthwhile answer from their rabid supporters.
"They were the only two optional characters! Surely that counts for something!"
"No!" Tifa retorted vehemently, straight-arming Vincent away as he tried to reach past her to embrace Yuffie. "They barely even interacted in the game. So-"
"Oh, they were just shy! You're probably just trying to break them up and get Vincent for yourself, you ugly, conniving whore!"
Tifa's eyes narrowed, and she brought her gun around towards the heckler, lip curling back into a sneer. NPCs weren't nigh indestructible. She wouldn't have any worries if she tried to off this guy.
"That was uncalled for!" She snapped, wondering why Aerith wasn't getting indignant yet. She was quickly losing this battle, trying to test reason against 'OMFG! They look so cute together!' "I just wanted to sit in the back of the theater and eat my mother fucking Pistachios, not sit here arguing about something so inane! Is that too much to ask!"
But then again, there was no force of reason when it came to romance. After all, she had ended up with Sephiroth an awful lot.
"Oh, come on! She's sixteen, and he's... Well, nobody really seems to know how old he actually is! That's statutory! Statutory!" A woman in the middle of the theater shouted indignantly, pointing at the two of them on stage.
Tifa smiled, tipping her hat in Aerith's direction, grateful for the assist.
"So! Maybe it's not statutory in the Final Fantasy universe!"
Damn it.
"He can turn into monsters! That's bestiality!"
Way to go, Aerith! Even if that is reaching... by a lot.
"That might not be illegal here, you don't know for sure!"
Oh, come on.
Tifa paused, considering their position for a moment. There had to be something they could do to split these two apart. And mentioning Lucrecia just wouldn't work, because then he'd be able to use Yuffie to get over the past.
So what...
Of course!
With a sudden, triumphant whoop, she spun back towards the two would-be lovebirds, who had embraced one another while her back was turned, and were just about to lock lips.
"He doesn't like rollercoasters!" She shouted, half-frantic, hoping that it would at least get Yuffie to turn her head.
But the ninja did her one better, letting out a shriek of disbelief, shoving Vincent away, causing him to fall off of the stage.
"How could you not like rollercoasters!" She cried, staring down at him, her big brown doe-eyes filling with tears of betrayal. "I don't think I want to cheer you up any more. Or make out with you."
Vincent looked up, sulking and scowling.
"Well fine. I don't need you. This half-eaten box of Junior Mints will cheer me up more than you ever could." He replied icily, scooping up the box that had been thrown at Tifa, shoving the handful of mints into his mouth, still glaring at her, despite the saddened, disappointed murmur of the rabble.
Aerith jumped up from her seat in the crowd and rushed up the aisle, a wide grin splitting her features.
"We did it! We're the coolest!" She shouted high-fiving Tifa as the Martial Artist hopped down from the stage, their two sulking, heart-broken teammates paid no more mind.
However, before they had much time to pat themselves on the back, a flash of bad special effects came from the stage as Bill and Ted's phone booth appeared.
"Hey dudette, ready to go back?" Bill called, sliding the door open, everyone they had collected earlier still crammed in the confined quarters.
Tifa nodded, tipping her hat towards Aerith before making her way back up onto the stage. She crammed herself back into the phone booth with all of the historical 'dudes', and in another flash of special effects, they were gone, leaving everyone and their rather tenuous grasp on characterization.
(Back at the Hospital)
Tifa stepped out of the phone booth, breathing a sigh of relief, glad to have made it through another storyline relatively unscathed.
And 'Greg' and 'Jim-Jam' looked awfully happy to see her.
"Oh man, we had so much fun here!" Jim-Jam exclaimed upon seeing Tifa, hopping up out of her bed, almost unable to contain her excitement. "We got to stay up all night watching Sabado Domingo!"
Tifa shook her head good-naturedly and sighed.
"Well, hope you enjoyed it, because there isn't going to be any more of that for a long, long time. We-"
"Say, Tifa, I was wond'rin'..." One of them, from within the phone booth started, leaning out partway, looking at her hopefully.
"Yeah, Billy?" Tifa asked brightly, turning to face him, totally missing the embittered look that crossed 'Greg''s face when he saw the way they were looking at each other.
"Would you like to come back to the old west with me? I mean, how'd you like to be my Sexy Sheriff for the rest of our lives?"
Tifa looked at Billy, smiling, almost ready to accept, when she paused, glancing back at her two cohorts.
'Jim-Jam' was staring, dumbfounded at the exchange, while 'Greg' was sulking, sitting with his shoulders hunched and refusing to look at her, trembling with petulant rage.
She turned back to him, shrugging helplessly, a sad smile coming to her face.
"Sorry Billy. I've got stuff to do, and, y'know, you're going to die young and everything, so it's just... It just wouldn't work out."
She gave a little wave good-bye, before turning back towards 'Greg' and 'Jim-Jam', motioning for them to get up and get ready to go.
"You guys ready?" She asked, as the two of them latched onto her, practically jumping up and down with glee at the notion that she wanted to stay with them, rather than run off with a notorious Cowboy.
As they disappeared in a little poof of cool special effects, Billy just stared after them; crestfallen.
"Hey, wait a sec! Just how young am I going to die! Hello!"
(He's totally not our problem anymore)
"So, uh, what exactly is the plan here?" 'Jim-Jam' asked, looking around as they all re-appeared in the middle of the City of the Ancients, not too far from the pond where Aerith's body had been laid to rest.
"Okay, we just have to sit tight until we figure out what situation we're in, and then react accordingly." Tifa explained, causing the other woman to frown thoughtfully.
"So, it's sort of like Quantum Leap?" She asked expectantly.
"Well, no. We don't end up as different people... unless its from inconsistent characterization. Zing!" She paused, clearing her throat before continuing. "From the looks of it, this is going to be one of those Aerith Resurrection ones, judging by what Cloud is up to over there, and I-"
She stopped short, her eyes narrowing, a dark red gleam sparking in them. Her lip curled back into a sneer, and she brought her hands together, cracking her knuckles.
"Uh, Tifa?" 'Greg' started warily, not really liking the looks of this. At all.
"How dare he bring that miserable wretch back to life!" She screeched, furious, her voice sort of distorted and ominous. "He's meant to be with me! Goddamn it, Cloud is mine, and that bitch I going to wish she had stayed dead when I'm done with her!"
'Greg' and 'Jim-Jam' just stared in confusion, seeing Cloud and Aerith embracing at the edge of the pond, all of the other AVALANCHE members, save for Tifa, rejoicing at seeing the Ancient miraculously brought back to life.
Tifa growled low in her throat and started towards them, muttering to herself about how she should have taken care of Aerith long ago, leaving her two tag-alongs staring at her in open-mouth bewilderment.
"Uh, what should we..."
"Stop her! We can't let her get away!" 'Greg' cut in, running after Tifa and lunging, grabbing her around the waist and throwing her to the ground, jumping on top of her in an attempt to restrain her.
'Jim-Jam' leapt on top of them, adding to the pile, trying to help keep her pinned down.
"Oh, you're on her side, aren't you! That prissy little bitch has ruined my life! Well, I'm going to see to it that Cloud stays with me, and I'll go through all of you first if I have to!" Tifa continued ranting, while 'Greg' and 'Jim-Jam' looked at each other helplessly, not sure of what to do.
"What the Hell is going on?" 'Jim-Jam' asked, eyes wide, glancing over her shoulder to where it was still all hugs and puppies among the other members of AVALANCHE, while Tifa was fighting the two of them tooth and nail, screaming for blood.
"Evil Tifa story, I guess." 'Greg' shrugged; helpless. With their oh-so-knowledgeable guide currently foaming at the mouth, they were S.O.L. for sure.
Unless they figured out a way to save the day. Of course, they were original characters, so it's pretty plausible that they'd be able to come up with a miraculous plan.
Which they would have to, because they probably couldn't just hold her down until the happy storyline ran its course.
"So, what do we do now?"
"Kill that goddamn whore!" Tifa shrieked, pulling her arm free and swiping at them before 'Jim-Jam' could force her back down.
"Okay, yes, that could work." 'Greg' nodded condescendingly, not really wanting to make her any angrier, "But I think we should wait for the next chapter before making any decisions."
END ELEVEN
Ooh, Evil Tifa cliché. That ought to be interesting. Hope the Yuffentine chapters weren't too painful to wade through.
Promise there won't be so much of a wait before the next chapter.