A/N: Hello, hello - I've been having some trouble with OTWD lately, and when this came to me I couldn't just ignore it. I'v been going mad not writing something at least. So without further ado - Where I Am. The song 'Away From The Sun' by 3 Doors Down is the companion piece of music to this ficlet. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from TFATF - which is a total bugger. Still, I admitted I don't own them so you can't sue me. So there.
Staring out over the ocean, Vince leaned his head against his knees, his good arm curled around his legs while his right was held uselessly against his chest. There was really nothing he could do with it any more but he couldn't bring himself to allow them to amputate it – he wouldn't be whole without his arm. Wouldn't be himself.
The sun was sinking beneath the horizon and he found himself mourning the loss of its warm glow. It was really the only thing he had to look forward to now. He couldn't drive himself anywhere, had to rely on others to do his running around for him – to be his arms for him. Adapting hadn't been a problem, he'd gotten there but it was realising all the things he was missing out on due to his stupidity that was killing him. He'd been a sheep, a blind, guileless sheep and had merely followed Dominic like a good little boy, no questions asked. He'd been greedy.
He didn't blame anyone but himself for his injuries – nobody had forced him to do those heists, not directly. Encouraged him maybe, but not forced. It was all on him and he knew it, it wasn't his place to put all the blame on somebody else's shoulders. It was his own fault that he'd lost his arm – not quite literally but pretty much - and it was his own fault that he'd ruined his life and the life of four other people. Dominic, Letty, Leon… Mia. They were all on the run now because he'd been stupid enough to get caught on that truck. They could never be safe again, could never go home and see their families again… All because of him.
Leon was a walking ghost, a shadow of himself now. He was lost without Jesse, his best friend of fifteen years and in almost every sense his little brother. He'd been inconsolable when he'd been informed of Jesse's demise and had done nothing but drink for days on end, eventually getting himself hospitalised for alcohol poisoning. His stomach had been pumped and he'd been kept in for surveillance for a few days, the staff reluctantly letting him go home once he was well enough to be up and about. Then he'd been re-admitted for attempting suicide. Vince could still remember the feeling of his cold skin under his hand, the bloody water in the bathtub spilling over the sides and onto the tiles, the faint blue tinge to his lips. His green eyes had been so lifeless, even when he'd woken up after surgery and realised he'd failed. That someone had found him and saved his life.
He lived in the psychiatric hospital a few miles away now – close enough for Vince to be able to jump on a bus or call a cab so he could go and visit him. It still broke his heart going to see him. Leon was a man so full of life and vibrant, always on the go and constantly coming out with something sarcastic and witty – he had an amazing sense of humour before. But now… now he was little more than a shell of his former self, if that. He would talk, smile, laugh – but Vince knew it was all a farce. It was all put on for his benefit so Leon could try to hide just how broken he really was. He couldn't deal without Jesse – he'd been Leon's only family and his life meant nothing now he was gone. There was little to no possibility of Leon ever leaving that place, not without someone to watch over him every minute of the day to stop him from harming himself though.
Vince stared at the sparkling water, the sky a myriad of purples and blues, oranges and reds fading into the sea. The waves crashed against the shore and he closed his eyes, just listening. The sand was still warm beneath his feet, his toes buried in it. They'd been in Mexico for almost seven months now and things had changed. Dom and Letty had married – surprisingly – he'd never thought that would last and Mia… Mia had left them all and was living in La Paz, far, far away from them. She'd not wanted a thing to do with them afterwards – she felt the whole series of events was her fault and in some ways, Vince agreed with her. She'd let the buster into the group, she'd invited him into their home and in effect had set off a chain of events that had ultimately led to the team's demise. Still, he couldn't bring himself to hate her for it – she'd been lied to as well. In some ways he knew it had to have been worse for her. She'd been in love with the bastard, as much as it pained him to admit, whilst the rest of the team had merely been lied to. She'd been used to gain access to them, to their lives. So in a sense, he didn't blame her for not wanting to be near them, not wanting to see what she'd let happen to them. In ways he wanted to hate her for what had happened, for letting them fall apart like they had… He wanted to desperately, but he just couldn't. He wanted to grab her and shake her for what had happened to Jesse, force her to watch Leon further deteriorate with each passing day.. make her feel the heartbreak he felt... But he still loved her. He still loved her with all his being and he couldn't do that to her. Not in a million years. He couldn't hurt her like admittedly she'd hurt him. Even if she had been totally callous and shot him down in a blaze of glory, he couldn't hurt her like that. It wasn't in him to make her cry.
It was dark when he opened his eyes next and though he could still hear the waves crashing down on the shore he couldn't see them. All he could see was the inky black darkness of the ocean stretching out as far as the eye could see and the small twinkling lights in the sky. The stars he'd missed seeing in California due to the pollution. The night was warm and sticky, uncomfortable some would say, but he could have cared less. He was so far away from the warmth of everyday life now that all he felt was cold. The heat was welcomed. It failed to reach him, but it was welcomed. Everything was so dark now, so grey and devoid of any joy in his life but he knew it was all his fault – all on him. He was living in shadows now, a tattered memory of his former life but he was ok with that – because it was all his doing. He didn't know if he'd ever be warm again, ever see the sun for what it was… But he was beyond caring.
He wondered sometimes if people looked at him and could see how he'd lived, what he'd done to people out of sheer malice for the sake of it. Whether a complete stranger could look at him and know what he'd done – that he was a petty criminal and a thug that didn't deserve to have his life handed back to him like it had been. It was those times he thought of Jesse, the brilliant young man whose life had been cut short by people just like him. It was then he thought of Leon, sitting in some sterile environment in a pair of pyjama pants and a baggy white t-shirt just staring at a spot on the wall contemplating death.
Vince dropped his head forward onto his knees again and let out a deep, shuddering breath. They didn't deserve any of this, not like him. He didn't deserve to be seen any more. The world had more than its fair share of thugs like him, it didn't need him. He'd briefly contemplated suicide himself, but unlike Leon he was too much of a coward to do anything about it. So instead he just sat. Sat there on a beach in Veracruz, Mexico in the dark and hid from the world.
He was always a coward anyway.