The Greatest Show Ever 5
A/N: About the next chapter - I'm not sure when I'll update, don't laugh, because of the heatwave! I feel like a part of my brain got deleted... I hate when it's that hot...
And BIG THANKS to my reviewers – you guys are great!
Disclaimer: I will own GG one day… I have this evil plan to control people's minds and then… the world will be mine! Ha!
(Opening. The new narrator, Lorelai, Rory, Jess and Luke are all sitting in a circle. Rory looks nervous. Lorelai looks intrigued. Luke and Jess both look like they're ready to leave any minute.)
Narrator (in a very official tone, to the gathering): Good evening.
Rory (politely) and Lorelai (cheerily): Good evening.
Luke mutters something. Jess says nothing at all.
Narrator: Welcome back to the show in its completely new form. However before we begin to interview tonight's participants I'd like to set up some rules that will stand from now on. (everybody sighs) I've read the reports about the previous episodes and I've seen the last show personally and I must say that some things must stop. Some of you don't bother to stay for more than a few minutes (looks at Luke and Jess), others don't pay any attention at all (looks at Lorelai) and well… you (to Rory), you're always so stressed that the audience needs a tranquilizer afterwards. This must change. I will no longer tolerate behavior like this. You'll come here for your appointed meetings, you will stay and politely participant and you will leave when, and only when, I say that the show is over. (Rory looks terrorized, Lorelai and Luke seem bewildered and Jess looks skeptical.) Now, I think we should discuss the events that took place the last time. Clear the atmosphere. Relax a little. Who'd like to start?
Silence. Everybody just stares at the narrator.
Narrator: Ok, I'll start. How are you Jess?
Jess (dryly): Peachy.
Narrator: Maybe you'd like to tell us how did you feel seeing Dean again?
Jess: It was as pleasurable as meeting Stalin.
Lorelai snorts. Rory sighs.
Luke: Geez Jess. Would it kill you to lay off the bad boy routine for a minute?
Jess (shrugs): Being nice is overrated.
Lorelai: A little hostile aren't we, Jessie?
Luke: Lorelai please it's neither the time nor place…
Narrator: Actually you're wrong Luke… If Lorelai wants to express her feelings we should let her do this. (gesture to Lorelai)
Lorelai: I just meant that Jess, no offense, is definitely not the nicest guy we know.
Rory: Mom you have to stop blaming Jess for every world's known catastrophe. He's not a devil incarnate.
Lorelai (muttering): He's the older version of Rosemary's Baby.
Luke (exasperated): Lorelai, it's my nephew you're talking about!
Lorelai (winks to Luke): Yes my big devil!
Rory: Eeew.
Jess just looks disgusted.
Lorelai (to Rory and Jess): Wait till they invite Luke's couch… See who's going to eeew who then!
Rory blushes.
Narrator: So Lorelai, you were saying something about Jess' bad side of personality…
Lorelai: It's a pretty large side… More like 99 percent.
Jess (sarcastically): Wow Lorelai, I didn't know that you thought so highly of me. I mean one percent!
Lorelai: I'm getting soft with age.
Luke (to himself): I'm going to need Advil.
Jess: Uncle Luke are you sure you're ready for stuff that strong? How bout some nice chamomile tea?
Luke stands up.
Lorelai: Luke where you're going?
Luke: Find a wall.
Lorelai: Find a wall? What for?
Luke (shouting): To put my head through!
Narrator: Now now let's calm down. Luke why don't you tell us how you feel?
Luke: And why don't you shut up! I didn't sign for any group therapy so watch what you're doing or you won't be able to feed yourself for some time!
Long silence. Narrator looks a little scared.
Jess (cutting in silence): You signed something? (Luke sighs tiredly) No seriously you signed? Coz we didn't get any contract, nothing.
Rory (changing the subject, to narrator): Why don't you tell us something about our new guests?
Narrator (uncomfortably): Unfortunately… Well, tonight's guests… Let's just say that there's a slight problem…
Jess: They met you and run away to Mexico?
Luke (to Jess): Canada's closer.
Lorelai: They got kidnapped?
Rory: They got a better deal on national TV?
Jess (sarcastically, to Rory): Yeah, a spin-off!
Lorelai: They got abducted and now the yellow slimy aliens are making an army of their duplicates capable of destroying our planet?
Everybody stares at Lorelai for a momoent.
Narrator (still slightly shocked): No… They got… they got recycled ok!
Rory (to Lorelai): And suddenly your idea doesn't seem so silly anymore!
Luke (deeply in thoughts): The car.
Lorelai, Rory, Jess: What?
Luke: They invited the car that Jess totaled.
Lorelai: Rory's car?
Luke (to Jess): Did you crash any other cars?
Jess (offended): No!
Luke (to Lorelai): Then yes, Rory's car.
Narrator (finding his official tone again): You're absolutely right Luke. We invited Rory's car but unfortunately we were informed that it's been recycled. We were supposed to invite it in its totality -the wheel, the dashboard, the breaks… but only the rear-view mirror agreed to our offer. Is that right?
Rear-view mirror: Yeah yeah… I needed cash so here I am… You want me to tell you what happened that night? Easy, it was her fault. (points to Rory)
Everybody: No!
Rear-view mirror: Yes! She was constantly distracting the guy!
Everybody: No!
Rear-view mirror: Yes! Stealing glances, smiling sweetely.
Narrator (to the four): Please don't say no!
Lorelai: Hey the no-yes felt just like in Some like it hot! You know the scene where Sugar tells the guys about…
Rear-view mirror (rudely interrupting, not minding Lorelai's pout): As I was saying the poor guy didn't know what to do with himself! She had this look… You know the hoping look. And she was in this cheerleader mood! You know (mockingly, in a girly like voice) "oh Jess you're the best!"; "Jess you can do anything!"
Rory (angrily): I don't sound like this!
Jess: And she wasn't distracting me!
Rory: We had an accident because we tried to save an animal!
Rear-view mirror: Is that how she calls you Jess?
Rory stays mouth opened.
Jess: Look, you obsessed idiot, you know nothing! She saw an animal on the road, she shouted, I swerved, we crashed. End of story. Bye.
Rear-view mirror: Who do you call an idiot you little jerk?
Narrator (desperately): That's it for tonight. Thank you all. Good night!
Jess and rear-view mirror still argue. Lorelai asks Rory repeatedly about the animal. Luke covers his face with the baseball cap.