Genres: Angst
Rating: T
Warnings: Mild HBP spoiler
Summary: What happens when too many years passes between old friends? Can they regain their old relationship?

Author's note: Betaed by the wonderful Mika Bird

Too many years

#12, Grimmauld Place, a few weeks after Christmas in OotP.

"Remus? We need to talk." Sirius sat down hesitantly at the table in the kitchen of number 12, Grimmauld Place, an unreadable expression on his face as he stared at the weary-looking man sitting opposite him. A few moments passed before Remus looked up from the papers he was reading. Not quite meeting Sirius' eyes, he said: "Yes?"

A sad smile flicked across Sirius' features, gone before anyone could have been certain it was there. Despite having known each other for several years, there had recently appeared an inexplicably awkward atmosphere between them that would have surprised anyone who knew them, an atmosphere they always had to fight to keep away while in the company of others. Forcing a calmness he rarely ever felt anymore into his voice, Sirius said: "I've decided to write a will, Remus."

A few seconds passed before Remus said anything. He had barely moved and his voice betrayed nothing as he replied, "I see. May I ask-- Why have you decided to do that?"

A sudden wave of frustration swept through Sirius, and he had to fight down the urge to lash out with an angry retort. Pulling his gaze away from the face that had once held so much emotion when he looked at it, a face he had been able to read as easily as were it a book, the animagus stared at the empty fireplace across the room. A long-forgotten memory of that same face alight with happiness and love floated unbidden into his mind, accompanied by the miserable thoughts of why? Why had they changed so much, when did they become like strangers when they used to know each other so well?

Determinedly pushing the thoughts and memories away, Sirius spoke again: "I've been thinking about what would happen if... If I died. And after what happened with Arthur at Christmas-- Well, I decided to do something about it." Pausing, Sirius looked back at Remus, not able to resist the need to his reaction. Remus' face was as impassive as ever. Sirius held his gaze as he continued, his voice suddenly harsher, "I wanted to know if there's anything you'd like to inherit, Remus?"

For the first time Remus perceptibly reacted, his eyes filling with confusion and hurt. He stared at Sirius while visibly straining to regain his control, and Sirius turned away again as he was inadvertently reminded of the night almost a year earlier, when he had appeared on Remus doorstep after the events of the final task of the Triwizard Tournament. He had taken Remus completely by surprise, and though they had written to each other after his narrow escape from the clutches of the Dementors a year prior to this, they had not had a chance to speak to each other properly, face to face, in more than ten years. Separated by years of distrust and blame, neither had known what to say, and it quickly became apparent that too much time had passed for them to resume the life they had lead before Sirius' imprisonment. They would never be able to get back the relationship they once had.

"I don't really know, Sirius. That is for you to decide." Remus' voice jolted Sirius out of his thoughts, and he quickly looked back at Remus. His voice had sounded just as harsh as Sirius' had a moment earlier, and Sirius couldn't keep a similar look of hurt from crossing his features. It wasn't right that they should speak to each other like this.

Slowly rising from the table, Sirius briefly nodded and said: "Very well, then. I'm going to leave most of my things to Harry, and-- And I'll leave a few things for you as well. Photos, that kind of stuff..." Keeping his eyes averted, he walked slowly across the room.

He had almost reached the door when Remus' strangled voice broke the tense silence: "Don't—Don't leave me anything, Sirius." His heart skipping a beat at the pain in the voice of his old friend, Sirius stared at Remus as he looked up from the table, his eyes filled with tears. "I don't want anything to remind me of what we once had, Sirius, of how happy we were. Leave everything to Harry." His voice broke on the last syllable, and he visibly fought against his tears. Sirius could only stare at him. His voice was suddenly dry as he whispered: "Are you sure, Remus?" Taking a step forward Sirius ignored the urge to walk over to Remus and pull him into his arms. Remus nodded briefly and pinched the bridge of his nose, a tired smile on his face. Before he knew what he was doing, Sirius had closed the distance between them, kneeled down in front of Remus and pulled him into his arms, holding tightly on to him.

He did not know how long they stayed this way, but he didn't pull away until Remus' voice broke the silence again. "Sirius, please… I can't do this," he whispered. Slowly looking up into Remus' face, Sirius frowned, not knowing what Remus meant. "Sirius... There's nothing I want more than to go back to the way things were, but we can't—I can't."

"But why?" Sirius couldn't help from blurting out, a wild hope in his eyes. "We could be together like we used to, Remus, just like in the old days." When Remus didn't answer Sirius grabbed his hand almost desperately, his eyes searching Remus' face for the slightest sign of acquiescence.

Remus briefly closed his eyes and gently pulled his hands out of Sirius grasp. "Sirius... I love you, and nothing will ever change that. But it's just been too long, too many years. There are so many things we should have said back then, things we should have done. But... It's too late now. I can't do it." Slowly standing, Remus sadly smiled and said: "I'm sorry, Sirius." He walked out of the room, leaving Sirius sitting on the floor and staring after him and feeling more miserable than ever before.

THE END