Disclaimer: Don't think Rowling would ever think of Snape in quite the same way! Or use The Rabbit Test, lol. Thanks to ElspethBates for cluing me in to the test being an old, thankfully obsolescent one where a rabbit was sacrificed to examine ovaries that had been injected w/ a woman's…hormones…ick. I actually got off my arse and went to wordorigins dot com and looked it up. It seems that the misconception that the hormones killed the bunnies led to the phrase "The Rabbit Died" entering our vocabulary as a euphemism for a positive pregnancy test. Now that the discovery channel moment is over, hope the chap makes up for the…Grimm…tale…heh
Don't Call Me Daddy
Chapter 2- The Quest
It was a dark and stormy night…
Leaning low over his broomstick, Severus Snape smirked at the trite gothic description that came to mind. Moments later, he gave an involuntary flinch when a flash of lightning lit the sky, followed by a roll of thunder. Flying over the Scottish landscape, searching the darkness illuminated only by the tip of his wand and the whims of nature, dark eyes in a pale face narrowed…was that his target ahead? Descending, the Potions Master dismounted and quickly shrunk the broom into a twig that he put into his pocket. Striding forward, the determined man evaluated the challenge before him.
The keep stood on a small hill overlooking the desolate countryside. Not a tree or shrub softened the scenery. A moat encircled the small fortress, its drawbridge raised against uninvited guests. The lean face hardened in resolve. Welcome or not, he was going in. Behind that stone wall lay the prize he had ventured forth in the dead of night to seize. Failure was not an option.
A flash of lightning revealed the presence of something swimming in the moat. The man in black used a Disillusionment Charm to blend in with his surroundings. Cat-like tread brought him to the edge of the deceptively calm water. Within moments, an undulating shape passed the spot where the concealed professor stood. Impassive, unseen eyes watched the giant snake-like creature pause to lift its head out of the dark water before swimming off to complete its rotation around the keep. Breaking one charm to employ another, he became visible and engaged a Levitation Spell. The floating on air feeling was one Severus had never liked. Halfway across the moat, thin lips quirked at the irony of a 'malevolent bat' not caring for the sensation of flying.
The piercing shriek drove Snape to hurl himself forward. A stinging sensation made him hiss in pain. Cursing the creature and himself for the preoccupation that had led to this pass, the man dropped to the ground in front of the drawbridge. Immediately, he used a Healing Charm to close the gash on his lower leg. Baleful eyes watched him from the churning water in the moat. Long, dagger-sharp teeth gnashed. Another shriek rent the night air.
How mortifying to prove Dumbledore's saying correct. Assuming really did make an ass out of me. I should have made certain that the guardian was a water serpent. Shrieking eels are much more cunning…and they jump.
Turning his attention to the keep, the Potions Master waved his wand in a series of rune shapes. They glowed red and then faded away. Hmmm… That meant his supposition that wards had been used to deter the unwelcome was valid. Gothel, the witch abiding here, was a competent spell-caster. However, Severus very much doubted that she was 'the most feared sorceress in Scotland'. An idea struck. Stepping away from the portcullis, with the creature swimming parallel to his path, the professor stopped after walking a short distance and lifted his wand again. This time, the runes glowed green, proving his conjecture. The wards were used on the entrance, not the walls themselves. Sparing a single, triumphant glance at the creature now thrashing with fury, he levitated up and over the stone rampart.
Once his feet touched solid ground, Snape re-engaged the Disillusionment Charm and scanned the area. In what had once been an area where knights would train was an extensive garden. Frequent lightning revealed the orderly beds and rows. Focusing on the Campanula Rapunculus that was the goal of his quest, he nimbly plucked leaves randomly in order to keep his appropriations from negatively affecting the plants. Storing the greens in a fresh-loc container that he shrunk to place alongside the broom in his pocket, Severus tossed a small bag of galleons toward the keep's side door. He stared when a silver-haired witch materialized and caught the sack.
"Not many pregnant women crave rampion these days. Thanks for the gold. I've never demanded payment, but it's appreciated all the same."
Becoming visible, he inclined his head stiffly,
"You are welcome. The late hour, and your…precautions…precluded a formal request for the Rapuncula."
Looking down her long nose, Gothel cackled,
"I bet the fools in the village bleated that old tale of children demanded in return for rampion, didn't they?"
Lifting an imperious eyebrow, Snape drawled coolly,
"I pay no heed to gossip, and anyone who tries to take my child will regret it."
The wind picked up, blowing black strands that did nothing to soften the menacing expression on the man's face. Wiping away a tear of mirth, the witch raised a hand to push back flyaway silvery hair,
"I believe you, wizard, but worry not; I have my hands full taking care of my great-granddaughter…"
"Mother Gothel, is it my prince? Should I let down my hair?"
Rolling her eyes, the old witch called up to the insipid blonde leaning out of a window in the tower,
"Don't you dare, Rapunzel! It's starting to rain and that rope of hair takes forever to dry!"
"Ohhhh! It's not fair! I'm imprisoned in a tower in the middle of nowhere and dying of boredom!"
Heaving a sigh at the nasal whine emitting from above, the older witch ordered,
"Go back to bed, child. Some day your prince will come, but it's not tonight!"
After the window slammed shut, Gothel said dryly,
"Some bloke in black leather will ride up on his motorbike and steal her away one day…if I'm lucky." She winked at him, "Not that I blame her for hoping, but it's obvious that you're taken…what's the name of your lady wife? I'd like to record it in my journal."
"Lorelei"
A large smile wreathed the woman's face,
"Marina's daughter…? My, my, how the years have flown… Sirens are known for craving greens. I've been paid a visit from every woman in that family for generations. Feel free to return again. The roots are delicious in stir fry. Your wife probably knows that the leaves are wonderful combined with meslun and baby lettuces in salad. If she wants to try something different, add some chicken and an orange pomegranate dressing, or grilled shrimp and a lemony…" Trailing off after noticing that both his eyebrows had risen, the witch cleared her throat nervously before promising, "I'll bespell the drawbridge to open for you…Mr..."
"Snape, Severus Snape."
The rain began to fall harder, fat drops that soaked his hair and clothing before the water-repelling spell took effect. Bidding Gothel thanks and farewell, Severus mounted his broomstick. He flew speedily through the increasingly inclement weather. Lightning split the sky and lit the way. Rain made visibility poor over the last few kilometers. Thankfully, he knew the route well from his work for The Order. Landing outside Hogwarts' gates, the man ignored the discomfort of sodden garments to quicken his steps. Inside the quarters that had been combined by some facet of the castle's magic after their marriage, Snape found Lorelei pacing restively. Hands that had been twisting the tie to her green satin robe stilled when his wife saw him step through the portrait hole,
"Thank Merlin! I've been so worried." Red lips began to tremble, "You braved the storm to satisfy my craving…what if you'd crashed…"
Placing a finger to her lips to still the flood of self-recrimination, he stated,
"I will always strive to give you what you need."
Slender fingers smoothed wet strands back before she brushed her mouth against his. Easing away, eyes like black velvet flickered over him,
"You're wet!" Her expression changed from concern to something more intriguing, "…and dirty," She licked her lips, "…and sweaty."
Suddenly, her hands were sinking into his hair while her mouth met his in an urgent kiss that revealed a need more pressing than a craving for rampion. His hands molded her curves. The need to touch, to love, consumed them both. Gathering Lorelei into his arms, Severus smiled against her hair, wondering if he'd be able to do this as easily in the months ahead when their baby made her slender body more cumbersome. Snape's heart beat faster even while his stride halted briefly when she murmured,
"My hero"
Several days later, the deep satisfaction he'd experienced became tempered with cynicism.
See the conquering hero comes…
A wistful admission from his tired, expectant wife had caused the Potions Master to volunteer to fetch yet another item Lorelei craved with intense longing. He must have been barmy. It had been years since Severus had ventured forth into the Muggle world. Albus had been more than delighted to scry the exact location of the shop where the desired product was sold. With the detailed image firmly impressed into mind, the head of Slytherin House quickly Apparated to the exact place he had envisioned. Hastily using the Disillusionment Charm, the man crossed his arms and stared at the building before him.
How can this be called a grocer? It's enormous! Muggles obviously trek here from miles around. The sheer numbers of motorized vehicles lined up in the sea of parking is astounding. Do none of them patronize a local shop? Look at those…trolley contraptions…what do Muggles fill them with? Is it mandatory to have one? Everything about this place is unnatural and unpleasant.
On bags that had Sainsbury's printed boldly, Snape read, Making life taste better, and sneered. Overwhelmed by the crowd of shoppers and the thought of entering such an establishment, he made a decision and Disapparated.
Apparating into the back garden of a London townhome, the man in black quickly climbed the stairs that led to the flat where the former DA professor and current Head of Research for Siren Cosmetics resided. Rapping sharply on the door, he waited impatiently to be admitted. Curling a lip at the Chudley Cannons tee the other wizard sported with denim trousers of all things, he brushed past Lupin to stalk into the small, but surprisingly tidy flat.
"To what do I owe this pleasure, Severus?"
A muscle in the black-haired man's jaw began to tic. Levelly, he admitted,
"I require your assistance. Lorelei has a…" Looking away from the wolfishly grinning face, Snape finished, "…craving…for a certain brand of ice-cream. The establishment from which it is sold is Muggle…Sainsbury's…and unfamiliar to me." Brown eyes gleamed when he asked, "Would you accompany me to purchase the product?"
A series of coughs were woefully inadequate to disguise barks of laughter. Gaining control of himself, Remus raked back his gray-streaked brown hair and assented,
"Of course I'll come along. I've been meaning to pick up some ready meals." Grimacing, Lupin confessed, "Tonks likes to cook on weekends."
Nobly refraining from sneering at a man who allowed an incompetent chef to wreak havoc on his digestive system, Severus lifted a brow at the denim jacket the wizard slung on, but otherwise abstained from comment. They quickly Apparated to the supermarket and entered. Once again, the Potions Master felt overwhelmed by the vast space. It was crowded, over-bright, and noisy. Thankfully, Lupin was a frequenter of the market. Trying not to attract undue attention, the taller wizard strolled with him to the frozen foods section. Several customers looked warily at his long black cloak and black clothing. Whenever he caught someone's eye, theirs would widen and look away. It was perversely amusing.
The variety of ice-cream was astonishing. Why did Muggles need so many selections to choose from? Was there really any difference between all the brands? A 500ml container of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie caught his eye. Relieved beyond measure, Snape opened the compartment and withdrew a container.
"Is that all you're going to get? I'd stock up, if I were you…look, here's an empty trolley, let's fill it." Eager to spend another's money, the man began to toss every variety of the desired brand into the trolley, "Chocolate chip cookie dough's my favorite. Hide one from your pregnant wife for me, will you mate?"
Dryly, he retorted,
"Consider it yours for assistance rendered…mate…"
A variety of ready meals were added to the trolley. Newly thankful for house-elves, Severus watched the till assistant scan his items with detached curiosity. Upon hearing the total, fathomless black orbs betrayed the shock he felt. Remus huffed in amusement, watching his former enemy and reserved friend hand over Muggle funds with a scowl. Good naturedly padding behind Snape, pushing the trolley, the were-wolf waited until they'd walked around the side of the supermarket to hand over the bags of ice cream and say,
"Well, this has been an experience. I know interacting with Muggles is outside your comfort zone, my friend, but it will be well worth it- you're Lorelei's hero."
Uncomfortable with the praise, thin lips twisted,
"I am not a hero."
Quietly, Lupin replied,
"The ordinary man is involved in action, the hero acts. An immense difference." Smiling, Remus admitted, "Don't credit me with that wisdom, I appropriated it from a writer named Henry Miller."
Gruffly thanking the other wizard for his aid, Severus Disapparated. Back outside the gates of Hogwarts, he impatiently thrust them open and strode toward the castle. Inside the kitchens, he handed the sacks to Slinky with the admonishment to let no one save Lorelei near the ice-cream. Snatching up a container of Ben & Jerry's and a spoon, he left the amused house elves behind. Inside their lounge, his wife was reclining on the sofa, asleep. Snape bent to pick up the book she'd been reading. What A Witch Should Expect When She's Expecting. Placing the volume on the low table, he cupped his wife's cheek, stroking the soft skin. Her eyes opened. Sleepily, she smiled,
"Severus, you're home. Did everything go alright? I would've gone with you if I hadn't felt so tired."
His mouth curved. Nodding, he held up the small carton. Her fatigue evaporated. Sitting up, she patted the cushion beside her and exclaimed,
"Ben & Jerry's! I've been fantasizing about Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream for days. Accepting the small carton, the siren ate a spoonful and closed her eyes, moaning, "Oh my gods that's good."
Lips twitching, he said dryly,
"I'm jealous."
A peal of melodic laughter earned a fleeting smile. She promptly fed him a spoonful of the dessert. It was bewitchingly delicious. Were Ben & Jerry wizards disguised as Muggles? Within minutes, they had devoured the ice cream. Snape frowned until he remembered the other containers stowed away in the kitchen. Noticing a bit of chocolate clinging to Lorelei's mouth, he considerately leaned close to lick it away. She returned the favor. With an inner smile, Severus gave in to a craving of his own- for chocolate kisses.
A/N: Had too much fun writing about our valiant hero and his quests to satisfy cravings. Hoped you enjoyed my use of the Brothers Grimm's Rapunzel and the guys shopping Sainsbury's. If you take a moment to fulfill my craving for your review- you'll be my hero :D